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Old 05-12-2012, 10:39 AM   #1
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Anorexic girlfriend, need help

I won't beat around the bush and give a too long story, especially since this is my first post on this forum. I have actually posted the same thread on one other forum, so you can presume that I am really looking for help and advice.

So I've met this girl last year and from the beginning of this year we have been dating. We fell for each other very fast and thoroughly got to know one another, which developed into a really strong relationship, so much in fact that we are already planning a future together, getting married etc.

From the start she was really open with me and I was fully aware that she is anorexic, being introduced to the story why she thinks she has that particular disorder, also having access to a website where she posts pictures of anorexic girls, etc., in general, knowing the whole lot of things about the subject. I was/am literally the only person at the moment that is aware of her condition, so I really have to say that I feel really privileged for that fact and I realize that it is a huge step for her. Knowing that she has an ed never made me question whether I want to be with her or not, I love her and would stick around with her no matter what. Also, she eats normally when I am around (and also at times when I'm not), but at times I find out that she is starving herself for days, eating only crackers. On certain occassions she also purges.

In the past we had a couple of "fallouts" due to her ed, in the sense that she gets really angry at me for basically saying wrong things at the wrong time... nothing too intruding or controlling, I never did that, but sometimes it just takes one particular word for her to snap. She really hates her body, though at times says that I make her love herself more. For a while things went really well, until it fell apart a couple of days ago. She is blaming me for her weight gain and for being an additional burden to her ed with saying the wrong things and not being able to comfort her. I'm aware that she is just trying to protect herself and I can really stand my ground through her insults and never fight back, but I know that she has it way more tougher than I ever could. I also secretly hate myself for not being good verbal support at times, especially since I am the only one who knows about her condition and I don't want her to be hurt, feeling alone and hating herself. I know I am making her happy with millions of other things, but at this particular aspect of her I am at the moment of no use. I've read numerous blogs and will soon start reading a book on anorexia, so I'm well aware that I can only try to listen and avoid making her guilty or trying to control her, but I feel like I'm still not doing enough. Numerous times she tells me that she feels "ugly" or like a "fat failure", which sometimes I don't know how to handle...if I give compliments it's no use, since she doesn't feel like that and it doesn't matter if I think that way (which she herself said), or if I go around the subject and give arguments why she shouldn't feel like that most of the times it backfires, since as I said one specific word could make her trigger.

I am also aware that the most important thing is for her to wish to recover and actually take the first step toward therapy. My question is, how can I go about and supporting her enough so that she starts thinking in that direction? A while ago we actually talked about therapy/going to the doctor, where she explained a really horrible idea where she wants to "fall into the bed" and end up in the hospital and then seek help...because she wants the people surrounding her to see that she is sick. You can imagine how horrified and scared I was then. The problem is that she is in a really weird place, as far as people go, and they are extremely ignorant to her situation, especially her own family. One additional problem is that we currently live in different countries and we see each other once a month for a duration of two weeks or so...thus I am not always with her and am not the support that I could actually be, especially since talking to her about these things over chat with written words is really limiting. We are in fact planing to move in together, but it could really take a while... I will be going to her soon and I really would like to do something about it, but I'm scared of overdoing it. At the moment, since we are in the middle of a "fallout", she says she wants to exclude me from her ed and that she actually regrets ever telling me her problem, also saying that she started keeping a lot of "ed issues" away from me. I would really appreciate any suggestions and help, since she is seriously the most wonderful person I ever met and she deserves to be happy. The thing I'd love most of all is for her to be alright and I would really do anything it takes for that.

Wow this turned out to be long...sorry for that. Either way, thanks to anyone who replies to this.

Last edited by crawler; 05-12-2012 at 12:16 PM.

 
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Old 05-15-2012, 07:38 PM   #2
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Re: Anorexic girlfriend, need help

Hello crawler,

Her ED is always going to put you in the middle,feeling like walking on eggshells at one point and accepting abusing yet defamatory comments the next.

As ED's in general have an emotional component to them,expect the fluctuations in mood.

She may love you but the ED will get in the way time and again and you will be to blame,as you are the closest to her situation.

She would really benefit from seeing a therapist or going to an ED clinic,as the nature of these disorders dictate that professional help is warranted.

I agree that she deserves to be happy;you both do.

She will not be comfortable in her own body until she deals with the underlying issues which brought on the ED in the first place.

I truly hope that she can find enough hope and/or desire in herself to gravitate towards therapy.

If there are any specific questions,please feel free to ask.

Respectfully
Phoenix
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