I think it's happening again..
Hi everyone. I've had unusual eating habits since I was in elementary school. At lunch, I would give all the food my mom had packed to my friends, and usually only had saltine crackers and juice. I also hid food in my napkin or spit it out in the toilet during dinner, starting when I was 6 or 7. When I was 11, I did gymnastics and ate very little. I weighed about 60 lbs, and was very proud of it. I think this is when I began throwing up, although I have no memory of my first time doing it. My doctor hinted to my parents that they should keep an eye out for anorexia and I remember being SO ****** that she would even think that.
In high school, I was very skinny but I was doing a lot of drugs and was very unhappy, so I don't remember intentionally not eating, rather just not wanting to eat at all. I don't know if this was my unconscious desire to stay thin, or me just hating my body for feeling full. This escalated until the first year of university, when I was exercising every day and eating almost nothing. My lowest weight was 103 lbs at 5'5.
Since then, I've been eating more normally, and haven't thrown up in a few years. That is, until recently. My metabolism slowed down a bit and I have just been hungrier, so I've filled out a bit and my body has become curvier and more womanly. I always wanted to be more voluptuous (but never seemed to realize my eating habits led to the opposite), but now that I'm getting there I've started dieting and vomiting again. I'm afraid that I'm going to get back into it. I'm only 116 lbs at 5'5, which was my goal weight, but I hate it. How can I stop and love my body the way it is?