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Old 07-08-2012, 03:07 PM   #1
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fifferoni12 HB User
Unhappy My weight is always on my mind

Hi,
Idk I feel foolish for coming on here but I've already been complaining to my family and my husband and I'm running outta option before I decide to do something drastic. I'm 5'8-5'9 and right now I weight 142. I go to the gym mon-fri doing an hour of weights and after I do high intensity cardio(Insanity). I usually take a day off (wed, but I always feel really guilty when I do) and I also do just cardio sat and sun. I don't understand why I weigh so much. I want to be down to like 130, but have lots of lean muscle. When I was 19, I'm 25 now, I went through this faze which is still on a constant motion in my mind. I was working at a plant 12hrs a day 6 days a week and we never got breaks for food so my body got used to not eating and I noticed I started to lose weight and I was going through a really hard time so it felt good to me. I continued to not eat and I would only eat cereal for breakfast and maybe have some green bell peppers for dinner and then I started working out ALL the time. Eventually I went from a size 31 in BKE jeans to a size 26 and everyone at work started calling me stick and making fun of me saying I had an eating disorder I wasn't even really trying to lose weight at first it just kinda happened. It did get to the point though where I made myself throw up once and then I stopped doing that and just didn't eat. Only cereal. Eventually, I gained weight back and I wasn't a 26 anymore...I was a 29 and I felt so huge and disqusting. I was eating anything and everything and I was still working out though. I eat healthier now whey powder and stuff like that, oatmeal and whole wheat stuff I'm very aware of what's going in my stomach. I wear a size 28-29 BKE jeans still and I really want to be down to a size 25 but still be healthy. No matter what I try nothing works and I stay the same size. I always think about it and I always touch my stomach in hopes that it's like a 6 pack and flat. I'm to the point where I just want to starve myself again to be thin...but I don't want to be just thin...I want to have lean muscle and look like a fitness model thin. It's an obsession that I can't stop from being in my mind no matter how hard I try. It's affecting my marriage because of how gross I feel all the time I don't even want to look into a mirror and I never want to have "relations" with my husband because I feel so fat and gross and I think he's gonna feel all my fat jiggle and be grossed out. Both of my sisters are like size 2 5"6 and 5"2, I feel like a giant! After any food I eat I feel so guilty after and I get terrible anxiety all day cuz I always have this hanging around in my head what I want to look like. People tell me,"oh your so skinny and pretty your not fat." I don't believe them and they don't understand....I don't feel pretty and I feel fat. When I look in a mirror I see imperfections all over and I always look at other people and compare them to me and wish that I could look a certain way too. I know that everyone is different so you shouldn't do that but if I see someone with awsome arms or legs I wish that mine were that way too. So maybe I could wear cute clothes and not stay in my house all the time because i'm too afraid to see people cuz I think they are judging me. It doesn't help with my social anxiety problem but I have no one else to talk to and no one else understands how hard this is. My husband said why don't you just stop...you can't just stop...it's an addiction. Any advice or any kind of help to cope with this is appreciated. And please don't be mean.

Last edited by fifferoni12; 07-08-2012 at 03:52 PM. Reason: I forgot something

 
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