fitnessmama

So I have struggled with eating disorders for most of my life. I was anorexic for about a year and then switched to. Ultimate for 9 years. I recoverd for over 5 years and have relapsed over the past year. I hate who I have become. It all started wi wanting to lose 10 pounds after my third child. I started going to the gym 3 days a week and over the past year that spiraled out of control and I was up to 12-14 hours a week. I have lost 34 pounds and am smaller then I have ever been before.

It's so weird..I look in the mirror and see one thing yet when I see myself I pictures I look so skinny and gross. I knowi need to be healthy for my family and I want nothing more then to be normal again but for whatever reason I just can't stop binging.

I have started therapy for about 2 months now and got on pristiq. It really helped me the first month! Then I started binging again.. My exercise addiction has gotten much better and I am much more relaxed with little to no anxiety but I still look forward to binging. I can't get over my love hate relationship with food. I know I must stop before I kill myself or it effects my children.

It's like my head tells me to give in to my urges and binge while my heart I pleading with me to stop... I know what I need to do but I can't do it. I am such a perfectionist yet I can't perfect loving myself enough to stop this.. Anyone have a similar situation or advice... ?