cant stop binging
Its been so many years of this disease (11) and although I go extended periods of time symptom free, it always seems to come back.
After this recent separation and becoming a single mother again! the pressure of looking good to find a job, keeping up with my son, workouts, my folks are always stressing over me wondering if im on task with the mountain of things i have to get started (since moving back to my home town)and yet I'm wasting energy and time binging and purging.
its like what i do instead of stay on task. melina did you get a po box? melina did you enroll kiddo in school, melina did you clean out your old house and move all your stuff miraculously from 2 hr drive away while your son is in summer camp until 3? on top of that there are 20 men who are trying everything in thier power to sleep with me like im some sort of amazing catch. If they only knew. but the surmounting texts
"hey beautiful when are you going to let me take you out" crowding my blackbery makes me feel li ke my only repreive from the stress and pressure is a sexual release or binging and purging.
sometimes i can redirect that into a healthy amount of exercise and busy work. but sometimes i get ahold of something sweet and next thing you know im at the store buying 20 dollars worth of crap to mindlessly eat and vomit. its terrible. Bulimia has got to be one of the worst mental diseases because its shrouded in secrecy and theres no "excuse me for my complacency...im mentally insane and i just binged on an entire birthday cake, ice cream reeses pb cups, and chips..> spent an entire hr vomiting it back up and no, i cant leave my house right now because im passed the hell out and shaking uncontrollably when i try to stand, please call back later"
anyhow, im trying to get my crap back together, found a low paying "simple life" job as a cashier at the local hardware store. Im happy about having an easier job than media advertising sales and fitness instruction but i will miss my fitness clients so i think ill join the local gym.
my point is...starting over is a time to focus and do stuff that i have to do... but the stress from family and friends and men and everything and my crazy ex is enough to make me self sooth. and my self soothing habit is so devastating to my body and future.
I see a therapist every week and it helps. ( i know i sound like a wreck right now but you should have seen me before)
i had to quit my job becasue i couldnt stop binging and i realized that it was causung weight gain and i realized that i was one of the fattest trainers at the gym and i ate and ate and ate and no matter how much a person purges those calories wil stick and you will gain! and i did. untill one day, a breaking point came along and i binged and binged and binged so hard i couldnt even make it up the stair and when i went to vomit it all up...it stuck. i cried for hours and kept drinking water and kept trying to throw it up but it wouldnt budge, it sat there in my belly for days like a baby. that was my worst episode ever.
a bulimic's biggest fear: not getting the food out!
it was horrible and i suffered for days and gained literally 10 pounds.
and now it seems l ike im out of control again. I need to refocus and i dont know how, everywhere i go there is food and it distracts me.