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Old 08-29-2012, 04:50 AM   #1
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OA and insight

Just some questions regards OA, my ex girlfriend has binge eating disorder. We have a very good relationship and I have supported her while we were together in relation to trying to get over her disorder. I had no idea about binge eating until when she told me about it, I looked into it. I insisted she went to therapy and have just been there for her and supported all her plans to get over her disorder. She has been going to OA over the last 5 years with up until this point limited success. i was with her tow years. She has very black and white thinking and is drawn to the extreme to help her solve her eating issues. Example therapy works for others not for her she needs something more drastic than talking about it. also Cut out people, places and things from her life and it will solve her problem.

On the cover and from what I can see OA and the way you should live life is great, be good to one another, support each other, spiritual etc, and I think we could all get something from it. Currently she seem to be getting success with and has been abstaining for 2 mnths.

But recently on advice from her sponsor she believed we should break up so she can focus on herself and her recovery. When she has called me she has said that we probably shouldnít be talking as her sponsor says she is regressing by doing so. Obviously stuff like this I find a bit alarming. Before anything is said im am and have been completely supportive of her recovery and it was me who told her go back to OA as if it works for others why not her and as I mentioned therapy. She has immersed herself in OA the people and the culture. Now if it helps her get over her problems than who am I to argue, she is the one who lives with this everyday and the addiction is hell for her. Before she got the current abstinence she talked about how everyone is supportive when you are not bingeing but then when if you binge they distance themselves from you. She also talked a bit how it sometimes feels cult like to her and one or two of the friends she has made there. She is now talking about her sense and higher power, which she never had before. How anytime that she wants to contact me that, that is her trying to enforce her will on the situation rather than doing the right thing which is not to contact me? Also she has contacted me after a binge and said she gave herself a free pass as she had all ready binged?? I kind of feel why am I now associated with a binge and your binges that you all ready messed up so calling wonít make a difference as she already messed up??!! why am i being asscoiated with her enforcing her will. Im finding some of this a bit disturbing, maybe im not enlightened enough to get it or maybe im seeing stuff that is not there. It seems to be working for her the last few mnths so I should just let her at it.

She is talking about us getting back together when she sorts herself out and also talking about this will all help us in the long run (which if she does get her issue cleared up of course it would) but what do they do in OA if you are married? What happens if there are children involved. It seem to be that she is following a sponsors advice who has a certain view, it seems that all the girls she now hangs out with in OA are single and according to her there focus is on their Higher Power, so now she is oding that. Its all very black and white thinking which I would have thought she would be trying to get away from, but instead OA seems to be reinforcing it.

Anyway I guess my question is, is the above normal? I know they say no relationships for the first year, but she was all ready in one. But also the sponsor advising her on things like this. I donít know has anyone else had experience of this.

Donít get me wrong, I donít contact her, Iím leaving her at it as this is her wish. she needs to get over this and this si what she belive swill do it so iam letting her do just that. Never the less it does worry me. I am letting go of the relationship as Iím respecting her wishes and what she believes will help her. At the end of the day right now I hope we do get back together but Iím just thinking to myself this is all a bit nuts how extreme it all is!! surley she should be trying to get over it while living a normal life, that being still having same friends, boyfriend and not having to cut things from her life.

In my head i have a cutoff point at which point Iím writing the whole thing off. But honestly I have all ready started writing it off right now as it really is not doing me any good.

Anyway just curious if anyone else out there has had similar experiences. Or alternately can shed some light from an OA perspective what is going on.

 
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Old 08-29-2012, 12:36 PM   #2
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dogcito HB Userdogcito HB User
Re: OA and insight

hi
Just read your articles. I know what you're talking about the same thing happens in A.A. I think sponsors have to be chosen very carefully. the 12 step programme is good but you cannot trust everyone there.

 
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Old 08-30-2012, 06:02 AM   #3
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Re: OA and insight

Quote:
Originally Posted by dogcito View Post
hi
Just read your articles. I know what you're talking about the same thing happens in A.A. I think sponsors have to be chosen very carefully. the 12 step programme is good but you cannot trust everyone there.
thanks for replying, unfortunately itís a bit late for being careful in picking sponsor as she is working with this person and if itís working in terms of her not bingeing, that is a good thing. But what part of the same thing happens in AA. So this is normal what is going onÖor what part are you referring to? Im sure her sponsor has her best interests at heart but her view on things seem to be different to what her therapist might be saying to her who incidentally I would agree with.

Your saying the 12 step program is good, as in what parts or why specifically

If you could take a bit of time to maybe go into what you are alluding to with a bit more detail it would be appreciated.

 
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Old 08-30-2012, 10:46 AM   #4
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dogcito HB Userdogcito HB User
Re: OA and insight

Hi
Any of these anonymous organisations are very difficult for the outsider to understand. Yes they are a bit cultish. Have you been to any open meetings? Or you could go to overeaters anon if there is one. Personally if I had a sponsor who told me to cut links with friends or told me to get rid of my husband I would tell them where to go. Members are not trained therapists! The program helps people if they can actually believe in god or a higher power. For example I go to A.A - aspects of the program are good e.g. put yourself first i.e look after yourself, combat negative thinking, help others, dont worry live in today. I limit my contact e.g. I go to only one meeting a week, I see my sponsor every two weeks for two hours and I would only contact my sponsor if I felt in need of a drink and couldnt fight the urge. So I treat it as I would a normal therapist. And I've found a sponsor who sees things the same way.I intend to go this year and then hopefully I won't need to go back again. A friend from A.A went or 12 months and did the programme than stopped. He's still not drinking. She is under no obligation to be there unless she wants to be. If she's saying she doesn't want you don't hang around, she sounds in a terrible mess and probably can't give you the love you need and deserve just now. it's sad.
Some people make A.A or O.A their life and from my experience, They are the ones who've had terrible alcoholic histories. I am not in that category an frankly I'm going only because it's free and I am in a difficult life situation full stop at the moment.
My advice would be get on with your own life as you have a life and don't waste it waiting around for an addict(that what she is) . She may never recover fully and probably certainly will have relapses. I am also bulimic and I have had relapses.
This sounds hard but I am trying to help you. Addicts are notoriously unreliable and change their min every 10 minutes.
You are a nice person. I'm not trying to upset you or hurt you. It's what i know! TAKE CARE

 
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Old 08-31-2012, 12:59 AM   #5
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Re: OA and insight

Thanks for your reply. Yea that is what I told her, her sponsor is not a therapist itís just a person with her personal opinion and that she should take advice from a therapist who is trained to deal with various situations and knows all her history, but she sees what the people in OA have and that is what she wants so she is doing what they do. She is believing in the higher power now, and she is a spiritual person.... but I wonder how much of the higher power belief is now down to her current abstinence and becaus eeveryone else belives. All the things you mention in the prog about looking after yourself etc those are good things that we should all do. And if she is doing that then great. Also maybe that is what the sponsor is trying to get her to do and the relationship is just not as important as her sorting her issues out. Which in reality is true, what good is being in a relationship if you are having all these issues, the relationship wonít last and it will only be frustrating for both parties. I just donít like the whole im regressing when I talk to you, itís a negative thing to do, my sponsor is encouraging me not to be in a relationship side of things. She seems to be OK mess wise in that she is abstinent and attending therapy so im hoping the therapist is dealing with her deeper issues, which is what I believe will really sort her out. As long as she is free of the issues and dealing with the deeper issues that is good. I guess i just wanted to get an insight into OA from someone in the organization and who attends meetings and the thinking behind some of the decisions that seem strange to me but might have very, very good reason behind them. Many thanks again for taking the time to reply and best of luck with your own issues, life is short and u deserve to be happy and i wish you well.
If there are any other people out there who attend OA or have experience with OA feel free to jump in at any stage.

 
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Old 08-31-2012, 03:34 AM   #6
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dogcito HB Userdogcito HB User
Re: OA and insight

Quote:
Originally Posted by Echo2012 View Post
Thanks for your reply. Yea that is what I told her, her sponsor is not a therapist itís just a person with her personal opinion and that she should take advice from a therapist who is trained to deal with various situations and knows all her history, but she sees what the people in OA have and that is what she wants so she is doing what they do. She is believing in the higher power now, and she is a spiritual person.... but I wonder how much of the higher power belief is now down to her current abstinence and becaus eeveryone else belives. All the things you mention in the prog about looking after yourself etc those are good things that we should all do. And if she is doing that then great. Also maybe that is what the sponsor is trying to get her to do and the relationship is just not as important as her sorting her issues out. Which in reality is true, what good is being in a relationship if you are having all these issues, the relationship wonít last and it will only be frustrating for both parties. I just donít like the whole im regressing when I talk to you, itís a negative thing to do, my sponsor is encouraging me not to be in a relationship side of things. She seems to be OK mess wise in that she is abstinent and attending therapy so im hoping the therapist is dealing with her deeper issues, which is what I believe will really sort her out. As long as she is free of the issues and dealing with the deeper issues that is good. I guess i just wanted to get an insight into OA from someone in the organization and who attends meetings and the thinking behind some of the decisions that seem strange to me but might have very, very good reason behind them. Many thanks again for taking the time to reply and best of luck with your own issues, life is short and u deserve to be happy and i wish you well.
If there are any other people out there who attend OA or have experience with OA feel free to jump in at any stage.

 
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Old 08-31-2012, 03:54 AM   #7
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dogcito HB Userdogcito HB User
Re: OA and insight

Yes I know what she's saying about seeing 'what the other people have'.tthat means that they are well and coping with life . It is true that no one understands the pain etc. of a particular addiction except people in the same boat as yourself.
I stiil think it's best to follow the advice of a therapist -about major issues anyway. Good luck to you and her.

 
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