nshwartz

Hello everyone,

I'm new to these boards so first of all a very condensed history: I've had anorexia since I was 16 (now almost 29) and about 3 years ago I was 110 lbs at 5'5". I know that's really not the worst case at all but I also had quite a bit of muscle mass so consider that weight lower, technically.

A couple of years ago, my boyfriend intervened and made me see a nutritionist and a counsellor. They helped me get my weight up and deal with it as well. I eventually stopped seeing the counsellor because I had very little time, money and I was dealing well with everything.

Currently, however, I am struggling a lot. Despite eating healthy overall (gluten free except weekends, low sugar and no junk again except weekends sometimes and that's usually things like a cookie here and there) and exercising 3-4 times a week, I seem to be growing in size.

I don't weigh myself because that's a vicious cycle, and I am trying not to measure myself either because every time I do, I have a breakdown over gaining yet another inch everywhere.

I realize that mirrors are not a reliable way of gauging my size but I see myself getting bigger. Last year I was at 120-122 lbs, my normal weight and everything was ok (I wasn't happy with myself but that's not surprising, I rarely am). This year, however, none of my pants from last year fit me and I have to change my entire wardrobe. I've gone from size 3/5 to 5/7 and I seem to just be growing. Last time I weighed myself a few months ago and I was 126 already. I'm fairly certain I'm over 130 now.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Today was a bad day for me, I spent most of it crying and wondering what's wrong with me. I wanted to see a nutritionist but my boyfriend told me if I did he would not be able to be with me because that would be giving in to my ED. I eventually made an appointment with my former counsellor but I won't see her until next week and until then, I am on my own.

I love my boyfriend and I know he is doing everything because he cares for me and because my emotional reaction is in no way normal or healthy but I also feel trapped and blackmailed.

I'm not sure what I am looking for... advice, support, understanding, anything. I don't have many people to talk to about this. Actually, I have none. This is what's really hard about it. I don't want the ED to win but I feel out of control, inching (literally) towards being overweight and I don't know what to do.

Please help if you can. I feel very lost and alone.

Thank you.