Originally Posted by SianxX
My name is Sian and important 20 years old. I have suffered with an eating disorder for roughly 8 years now. I have never been admitted for it nor have i ever received help because i never thought i was worth it.
You see what happens is my eating disorder comes and goes. It can get really bad then i decide that i want to recover which i do alone then it comes back which clearly means it isn't working.
A few months back i relapsed again and feeling sick and tired of this constant cycle that never fully goes i decided to visit the doctor and ask for help. I don't know what i was expecting, but i did think it would be quick to start recovery. So when i received a appt for a psychiatrist i thought this was it and i would be on my way only to find out he was just assessing me and he would refer me. He referred me to a clinic and sent me a copy of the letter he sent which stated 'Patient looked very slim but she was wearing baggy clothes so it was hidden, I would say she has Atypical Anorexia and would like you to see her'. When i saw this man i was wearing fitted skinny jeans so i wasn't wearing baggy clothes.
anyway a few months passed and i still hadn't received anything from the referral so i continued living how i was.
yesterday i received a appt for the referral to the clinic. It wasn't until then that i realised how much i am not ready for this. I feel like it was a stupid idea to have asked for help in the first place and now it is nearly here it feels a bit too real and important actually quite worried/scared.
I really don't understand because only a few months ago i was ready for this, and now... now i am everything but ready. I don't know what part it is that i am not ready for, I mean, i don't want to have Anorexia for the rest of my life, but i guess the idea of not having it really worries me? Important feeling so overwhelmed and just want to cry and hide.
Is any of this normal? I mean i have never had to go through this so now i don't know what is right or wrong when it comes to how to feel but i think it confuses me more that i was the one that asked for the help.
It took courage to seek out help! I saw a therapist for one year and a half (every two weeks). Before the appts., my heart would beat fast and I felt dizzy, anxious, and wanted to throw up.
It's OK to not be 100% sure that you want to recover before you see a therapist or psychiatrist.
I had NO intentions of recovering before I went to therapy. I only went because my college was making me attend.
I stuck with it because my therapist took things slowly. We selected one or two goals during the appt. The goal were breathing, walking slowly for meditation (instead of focusing to burn calories), ordering food from a restaurant etc..
My advise would be to not focus on what he wrote. I did not see my therapist when I was at my anorexic weight. I saw him after I developed bulimia. It was a huge setback to get a bulimia diagnosis and not EDNOs.
Before your appt., write down something you want to tell your psychiatrist like
(you are nervous, you aren't sure you are ready for recovery, etc...) and take it with it to your appt.
If you get nervous or feel like backing out-remember that you have the note and could just give it to the psychiatrist.
I listen to relaxing music on my ipod-usually the same song on repeat and wear comfy clothes and sneakers before and after my appt.
Have a plan for after your appt. You will probably feel like you didn't get to say everything you wanted and overwhelmed with emotions because you said IT.
After my therapy appts., I walked slowly around campus while listening to music and then I found a quiet spot and wrote in my journal.
There are going to be times in treatment were you feel like you want to go back to your disorder because it feels safe. (I didn't know how it would be to live without an ed.)
In the past, you got better and then relapsed over and over. With treatment, you will have setbacks, but your psychiatrist will help you prepare for the setbacks so that they don't lead to relapses.