Hello (: I'm new here. Actually I'm new to online forums in general, I guess i just never got around to joining any. I decided to join one after it was clear that i wasn't going to get any support from my friends and family in real life (and I've tried being open, talking to them. They just seem to find that ignoring that I have a problem is the best solution.) I guess I'll just start with a little history? (I'm not sure how this works, so please forgive any mistakes (
I guess it started when i was 13, close to the end of the year. I started cutting certain foods out of my diet and as time went by, the foods that i "could" eat dwindled until i was basically starving myself i guess. However, i never fasted or did any cleanses etc. I just was very strict with my diet. This lasted for a little longer than a year. I felt alone. It felt like there was this invisible wall around me and the people around, you know? i hardly talked to anyone during those times. i was a very quiet child, no friends and with my eating issues, this worsened. so basically i just isolated myself from everybody. Even now, i find it extremely difficult to just connect or make small talk with people, because i've never done that in my entire life. I feel like a kid sometimes, in that aspect. Then i went to see a doctor who wasn't very good, but i started eating more, just to please my family.
Then the binges started. It began as midnight binges; i would sneak down at 2am in the morning and basically clean out the fridge. They became more and more common. I was so disgusted with myself. How did i go from having an iron will to one that was non existent? I used laxatives initially. Later on i found out that they didn't do anything to the calories that I've ingested, but i still took them anyway. I've tried to throw up, but it's never worked. I've only ever thrown up once in my entire life, when i was 5. Then i just couldn't anymore. My body wouldn't allow it. I'm not sure when i started counting calories (it was after I "got better") but now i can't imagine life not doing it. I also have to weight almost everything i eat so i can get an "accurate" calorie count. Weird thing is, even when i binge, i still count calories.
Now, I'm still binging. I've tried to cut down on laxatives. I take it once a week, on Fridays, because i can't go to the bathroom (sorry, too much information?) without them anymore. I used to be on a binge starve cycle. At one point, it was so bad, i was binging almost everyday for months. Recently, I've tried eating throughout the day, and allowing myself one treat a day, so that i don't feel deprived and go overboard at the end of the day (did i mention that for me, i can be good throughout the day, but come night, it's like all hell breaks lose. i become uncontrollable.) It lasted for about a month and a half? Then i broke down a few weeks ago and have been binging since, with each binge becoming progressively worse.
It's hard to compress everything in one post, and maybe I shouldn't, but i really want to know that somewhere out there, someone feels like this too. That i'm not alone, that this will get better, that i shouldn't stop hoping and keep trying.
It's been like this all my life, i'm balancing the line between normal and outcast. I don't belong anywhere ...
I'm sorry for the looong post, and thanks to everyone that bothered to read until the end! (: