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Old 03-31-2013, 10:12 AM   #1
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purple leaf HB User
recovery...

Hello all, i feel alone in this area and wanted to know if there were others that have had similar experiences. A little back story: I was in a toxic relationship that was emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive. Under the stress of it all, my body started reacting oddly to food, so I say a doctor and she told me I had food allergies and was instructed to cut out a pleathoa of stuff... in the end I had no such allergies, it was stress. But as you could imagine, that started a downward spiral. As my relationship went out of control my body was something that I could control. My weight decreased more over time, lasting about 3 years. I carried guilt and shame and my ex contributed to those feelings as well. I found the strength to leave and did so. When I left, I weighed 89 lbs at 5'5". I sought professional help. My lab work was all dangerously low, my body had shut down different parts. I hadn't had a period in 4 years... Once I decided that I didn't want to die, there was no turning back. I moved back to the area my family lives and started to work on my recovery. That was July of 2011. It has been a huge struggle. I feel that while I have been to a dietitian, seeing a therapist, have had numerous doctors appointments and lab work, there is still something wrong with me. I have been working on the stress that my body has been through on all accounts, yet still feel like I'm stuck in that flight or fight mode. Truthfully, I feel sooooo exhausted that all I do is freeze.

So right now, I am working, but that takes it out of me. My body had drastically changed. I now weigh 155 lbs, and carry feelings of guilt and shame. While before I used food as control, I now use food for comfort, when I'm bored, tired, lonely, hungry or not... I feel like I have no energy so when that exhausted feeling comes, I feel like my body is wanting nutrients... doesn't matter if I ate an hour ago or not. I sleep and I'm tired when I wake up. I find it exhausting to be around people, partly because I have no energy to invest and another part is I feel that I can't deal with people's crap (and I tend to notice that a lot in people). I really want to be social, feel connected to my body (I still suffer from the fogginess and almost see everything in a grainy way), feel inspired (I struggle to do amy of the art I love, or even read), feel whole, I want to be able to have better digestive balance, I want to exercise (when I do, my exhaustion makes me feel very clumsy... it's not fun, I've actually fallen at the gym)... I want my period! I feel very stuck. I've been on this recovery for almost 2 years now and have not gone back to restricting or over exercising or any of those past anorexic habits. I feel at my wits end. I have done everything "right" and still feel like crap... and huge... and too tired to do anything about it.

Has anyone else felt or experienced any of this??? If so, it would be nice to hear from you, this is a pretty lonely feeling.

Thanks

 
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Old 04-01-2013, 10:43 AM   #2
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 31
kaylalala HB Userkaylalala HB User
Re: recovery...

I can relate to body changes in recovery. I've cut way back on purging, still do it maybe once a month but that is nothing compared to where I was. And I've gained about 30 lbs, more than I wanted to for sure. It's hard sometimes for me to look in the mirror. I got used to being very, very thin and now I'm not.

What I keep telling myself is that I am healthier than I was when I was deeply into my bulimia, and that is true no matter what is happening with my weight at this point as long as I am working to keep the purging and restricting under control. Weight gain is a normal thing when you get into recovery from this, and I think it can take a while for the body to find a new equilibrium.

It sounds to me like you are doing all you can to get well, and I have a lot of respect for that. Keep it up because you deserve everything that a healthy life has to offer.

Kayla

 
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