I don't know if this site is actually active, but I just need to let all this out.
I have been trying to recover for so many monthes now, but everyday I b/p at least once. It's not even getting better, I am actually going worse everyday- the binges are bigger and more frequent. I tend to binge in the evening. Today, I thought it was going to be my first day without b/p in ages, but I failed again as usual- but had the worst binge I've had in ages. Afterwards, I couldn't even purge. I feel so bad and disgusting right now, all the future fat inside me. I just want to cry, give everything up die. I just don't think I deserve anything better, because I'm a failure after all. Also, I'm afraid of what's going to happen when I wake up tomorrow. I'm gonna be so terribly fat I just won't be able to stand it. I hope I wouldn't wake up. I'm too much of a coward to face myself being fat. Oh how I wish it would just go away.