I don't know if this site is actually active, but I just need to let all this out.
I have been trying to recover for so many monthes now, but everyday I b/p at least once. It's not even getting better, I am actually going worse everyday- the binges are bigger and more frequent. I tend to binge in the evening. Today, I thought it was going to be my first day without b/p in ages, but I failed again as usual- but had the worst binge I've had in ages. Afterwards, I couldn't even purge. I feel so bad and disgusting right now, all the future fat inside me. I just want to cry, give everything up die. I just don't think I deserve anything better, because I'm a failure after all. Also, I'm afraid of what's going to happen when I wake up tomorrow. I'm gonna be so terribly fat I just won't be able to stand it. I hope I wouldn't wake up. I'm too much of a coward to face myself being fat. Oh how I wish it would just go away.
The following user gives a hug of support to scientist0: Phoenix (05-17-2013)
I have had those thoughts before. I am now totally recovered from bulimia and haven't binged in 3 years. (I haven't purged in 5 years.) Those thoughts are painful, but they don't have to be the end of your story. During my recovery, I had relapses that lasted for months and I got worse and worse during those months. I didn't know what I could do to turn it around and didn't think anything would change. I had spent three months in the best inpatient treatment program that I knew of and had relapsed. Each taste of recovery changes our brain circuitry a little. Even if we relapse, if we have tasted recovery, it will be that much easier to get back to.
But some things helped me recover. I saw a psychiatrist and tried various medicines until one started to help. I began seeing that my urge to overeat was cyclic and that I could let myself eat a little too much when cravings hit for a few days (or even a couple weeks!) every month and then easily get back on track when the cravings let up. That meant I had to learn to live with feeling slightly out of control sometimes and have hope that it didn't mean the same as a relapse. Over time, I have been able to ride out those cravings even better. Being healthy means not having strict control over every single bite, but instead being able to relax and trust our natural hunger and satiety.
I also had fewer cravings to binge when I let my body get up to a weight that it naturally wanted to be at even though that was 15 pounds more than I wanted to weigh.
I also challenged myself to keep living and spending time with people even when I felt embarrassed of how I looked. (I called those my "brave" days, when I would go out in spite of being afraid I was ugly or fat.)