MissingRay

For all who wanted to know....this is my story of Ray.

It all began back in 1995 when I was pregnant with our daughter, Colleen Rae. How excited Ray was but always disappointed when I got my ultrasounds done. For some reason the lights in the ultrasound room would make Ray black-out, so he would never go in. We never thought much of it. From 1995 to 2000, Ray always complained of certain lights and blacking-out. "Maybe you need glasses?", I used to think. Whoever would have thought that Ray was showing signs of epilepsy?

In January of 2000, Ray woke up one morning and had a severe grand mal seizure. He was in the hospital for three days. All tests came back normal. "We don't know why Ray is having seizures", said one neurologist from the hospital.

From January 2000 to January 2002, after hundreds of doctor appointments, ambulance rides, emergency room visits, hospital stays, changing medications, Ray's seizures got progressively worse. Some doctors' would not even treat Ray because he did not have health insurance. After getting doctors' notes stating that Ray could not work due to uncontrollable grand mal seizures, again and again, Ray was turned down for Medicaid which is a state funded insurance for disabled people. It finally got to the point that Ray would be in the hospital at least three to four days out of the week. "I'd rather have cancer than to go through this", Ray had once said.

A couple days before Ray's death he ran out of one of his medications, which helped little with his seizures. Ray called his doctor and tried to make a doctor's appointment and also get his prescription refilled. His doctor refused to see him because he had a balance with the doctor's office. After that, we found Ray another doctor but the new doctor couldn't see him for another week. I took Ray up to a local hospital to get his prescription refilled. Since it was a valium that needed to be refilled the hospital said that, by law, they can only give him 10 pills which would only last him five days. "What about the other two days?", Ray and I both thought. "You'll be okay Ray. It's only two days", I told him.

The first day that Ray was without his medication he had a severe grand mal seizure in his bed when nobody was around and suffocated in his pillow. I still cannot comprehend how something like this can happen to somebody so young, so innocent and so wonderful. Ray loved life, Ray loved his daughter but Ray did not love being sick. He told me a day before his death "I'm going to die from this." And I said to him "Ray, you're not going to die from this. You have your whole life ahead of you." Maybe Ray knew that it was his time? Maybe Ray was trying to tell me goodbye?


I also wrote a poem about Ray and what happened on that day:

It was Thursday, January 31, 2002,
I was sitting in work not having a clue.
Wonder where Ray is, why didn’t he call,
Is he having a seizure and hurt from a fall?
I picked up the phone and dialed his number,
He said he was having convulsions in clusters.

“Don’t call the ambulance, I’ll be alright,”
“I just didn’t get much sleep lastnight.”
“I just took my medicine so I’ll be okay,”
“It’s just another ordinary day.”

After an hour I got kind of worried,
I picked up the phone and called Ray in a hurry.
“Bridgette, I need you to come right away,”
“I am having none stop seizures today.”

“You’ll be okay Ray, I will call your mom,”
“Don’t get upset, please just stay calm.”

An hour later my phone started to ring,
The EMT’s said it’s a very bad thing.
They could not get Ray to start breathing again,
“We think that he suffocated in his own bed.”

My precious Ray, why did you leave me now?
I have to tell Colleen but I just don’t know how.
“You’re daddy’s in heaven my darling Colleen,”
“Daddy was the strongest man that I ever did see.”

He suffered from seizures for nearly two years,
He told God to please take away all his fears.
Although I am gone don’t cry, don’t you see?
No more seizures I’ll have, no more epilepsy.


Bridgette

------------------
Grieving over my boyfriend, Ray, who passed away from epilepsy on January 31, 2002 at the age of 23.

Ray suffered from myoclonic and grand mal seizures.

Loving father to our seven year old daughter.

[This message has been edited by MissingRay (edited 10-18-2002).]

__________________
Grieving over my boyfriend, Ray, who passed away from epilepsy on January 31, 2002 at the age of 23.

Ray suffered from myoclonic and grand mal seizures.

Loving father to our daughter, Colleen Rae.