Thanks everyone for your replies and helpful insights.
This is pretty long so thank you for sticking with it long enough to get my "message".
Do many of you deal with all this too? Maybe I can quit feeling so unique if you do, but sorry that you must endure these things as well.
These are just some of the things I deal with daily: depression, "mental-pause" my nickname for the rigors of menopause and the cessation of normal life thereafter; CFS, EBV, Migraines 4-6 days a week, PLUS mental fog, brain "glitches", FM, Bi-polar, but not as often as I used to be: I guess I am too busy with all the rest.
My problem is that I am not really sick. Just all this crud above! So..I should be fine, right? I don't have cancer or some of the other horrendously constantly severly painful conditions I have read about on this healthboard.
I haven't been abused as a child, or raped, or some awful other situation. Yet I went through life feeling as though I had, but felt as though I couldn't remember what trauma caused the mood swings and depression etc...
Then over a year ago I got very ill and the doc thought I had the mumps, but I tested negative, so I self diagnosed myself having mono and was 3 months later diagnosed with Epstein Barr and mono having been a given at that point. I have been somewhat worse physically since then: little to NO energy and worse migraines and daily headaches.
I just wonder if I am on the right track...because along with all this I am really susceptible to anger, depression and extremely susceptible to whatever you call the emotion where someone has been cruelly mistreated and you get sick (physical nausea and pain and headache & filled with fearful dread) with the horrific injustice and inability to change or fix or take away their sick and twisted, horrible situation or circumstance. For example: When I considered becoming a foster mother I talked to a CPS officer. When he told me what I could expect to deal with in fostering infants to toddlers--such as sexual abuse that gave physical damage to the child--That literally made me nosedive into a sick and hopeless state of mind and body that the word "depression" doesn't even begin to cover. I could not bring myself to deal with that kind of a situation with a poor helpless child being so horribly treated and nothing that could (if anything would!) ever be done would change the fact that it happened and that it would impact that childs life for-ever, for-ever!!
If I had that poor child I'd want to go rip some hide off the person that dared to do this unthinkable horror to anyonel, much less a child!! And I wouldn't do it, of course, so I'd be boiling in my own impotency to help, to change, to better this poor childs life. Then I would be so depressed about the horror, pain, and fear that this child has had to live through and probably would again have to deal with again(because the system is so awful that children go back to the same situations again and again!) that I couldn't deal with life knowing what fate each child would have awaiting them the moment they left my home ...... and then would I be a much haven if I was constantly crying and mortified...I have no strength when it comes to this.
As it is I often have to wonder if my children wouldn't be better off with someone else as a mom, and my husband with someone else as a wife! I am not saying I'm necessarily suicidal now. But that it would be more fair to them to have a normal mom & wife!! But then....what the heck IS normal anymore??? I can look around and see that as bad a shape as I am in that at least I love my children and tell them! I make sure they are clean, fed, in safe environments and not around dangers or possible ones. I talk to them, listen to them, (not as often as I'd like to nowdays, though) I try to do something with them as a family once a week. I am teaching them that God is their creator and loves them. I teach them right from wrong. Kindness, not meanness. So on and so forth. I can honestly say that I don't beat my children, don't foster a horrible type of lifestyle that could be harmful to them. They have their real Dad who loves them & he lives at home with us. We don't do drugs(not illegal ones, anyhow. Just medication...which can be almost as bad in side effects sometimes), and maybe once a year we drink alcohol on our anniversary--an not in front of them. But I am not the mom I want to be for them! I am not able to do things with them, and spend enough time with them. I'm not the wife I could be...if only...if only!!
You know the "If only's"... If only I could go back...
I had a life 20 years ago that held the potential of being & doing what I dreamed of and felt was normal and right.
Then a bad 1st marriage that included but was not limited to: mental and physical abuse, and later finding out that my nervous breakdown was aided by the fact that I was coming off of some kind of drugs that I didn't even know my ex-husband had been secretly slipping me in my tea or pop or food or whatever!!
I know now that I lost the real me I was supposed to be waaaaaay back then! And now, no matter how hard I try...I can't reach back in time or recapture what should have been for all that has occured and because of what has been driven from me, or taken from me in one way or another.
I keep trying to move forward, but when I cannot accomplish that as I am always exhausted quickly, walk in and out of mental fogs, deal daily with mental "glitches". I always irritated easily, and migraines are quickly brought on my stress or loud noises, or just normal kid noises and then I have to hide away in my cool dark room for my pain's sake and for my families sake: so I won't snap at them and end up yelling maniacly because of the effect that their sounds and normal fussing has on my headaches and nerves. It literally can make stabbing pain and lights and buzz my body from the noises, or stress, and that amps my migraine into nausea....oh sheeesshh!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/dizzy.gif
Oh crud--just listen to me whine!!! Gosh dang it! I only want to be heard... not to whine. I want someone to understand where I am coming from. NOt that they must be experiencing it too, cuz I wouldn't wish it on them. I want friends and family--someone--to tell me that I am right; this is NOT normal, that they understand that I am not just a "grossly obese female" that is lazy and suffering from self pity!
This chemical imbalance--or whatever is wrong--needs changing--fixing. I don't feel that anyone really does understand the full scope of what I hide and deal with...not even my friends--although my hubby is wonderful and loves me and supports me, and believes me even if he doesn't always understand.
Can you hear me? God: how I hope you have a cure for me in this Lithium Orotate stuff! If you don't...what then??
I finally saved up enuf $ to buy it and started it today. I have been clinging to this one glimmer of hope for over 3 months now. It has kept me coming back up for air from the depths of despair--Ick--Now I am rhyming!! I am not suicidal...but I just do NOT want to plummet into worse than I feel now!
I am praying so much for help. But it is up to God to guide me and bless me. I am only asking for encouragement and understanding till and while He does.
I almost wish I had the euphoric manic part of bipolar so that at least I could be deliriously, joyfully HAPPY for at least a short time once in a while. Now all I get on my manic side is anger then I slam back down to depression...or just floating in nothingness feelings--which in itself is depression. Or wack up and down and cry or not sleep or all the above. Or on my good days, I somehow keep the irritability and headache down to a minimum and stuff the rest all under the surface, and am able to interact with my family and they think I am doing much better, but it is just bubbling there waiting to boil over…
Even when I am “happy” I just feel fake, and embarressed and guilty to laugh or joke: like I am putting on a plastic smile or a half convincing laughing sound to "look" or "sound" normal when I really feel like saying: I am too depressed to be cheerful dad-gum-it! I try to go & do the needed 2 B a mom & wife, but I brain glitch and have mental fog and people somehow don’t seem to be aware of it except for my stuttering or stumbling over words, or my apparent “not with the program” functionality. I want to say "can we talk later or can I call you later when I feel better?" But when would that be?? Life is supposedly too short to “WAIT” till I feel better or normal--but it seems to be dragging on and on forever. PMS labeling can NOT touch this mess! I don't know what I am asking...just...hear me. My comic question goes fiber optically out into the universe: W H Y ??!!