Hello, I hope some of you can offer advice/suggestions. My new husband & I currently live apart because he's been mentally/emotionally abusive towards me. A close friend of his contacted me recently to tell me he thinks a lot of our problems are due to my husband abusing his 80mg oxycontin prescription - shocking news to me as my husband has always been 'anti-drug abuse'. It all makes a lot of sense now....mood swings, volatile behavior, depression, suicidal threats, frequent use of nasal spray (his friend said he crushes & snorts his pills), frequent nausea & headaches, serious financial problems that bewilder me (how much do these pills sell for on the street?), dental problems that he refuses to see a dentist about, paranoid & dillusional behavior...to name a few. His friend is concerned that he could be using so much that he fears one day my husband will not wake up. I'm still shocked at how well this problem has been concealed from me since I met him 4 yrs ago. During a recent depression period, he was openly biting off a piece of pill about every hour & a half. I did (gingerly) threaten to take them away & he informed me the bottle is hidden. My husband is currently out of town until Jan. 11th. I want to confront him yet somewhat fear doing so because he's been so volatile at times. I did contact his dr. today and left a message & briefly mentioned the nature of my concerns - begging that my phone call be kept confidential. The dr. has not yet returned my call, which would allow me to make him aware of the above behaviors and then some. I hope someone can advise me as to whether or not I am taking the right approach here. I love him dearly in spite of the way he has treated me & he says and seems to love me. He will probably deny all if I confront him & could possibly explode. Would it be best for me to leave the matter between him and his dr. for now? Or should I conquer my fears and gently approach the matter, reinforcing the fact that help is available? I've also considered contacting the psychologist that we (then just I) see to ask if he'd contact my husband's dr. I have even thought about an intervention but fear his reaction to that - it would embarrass him. I do not want to shame him but I want him to realize how this addiction has been slowly destroying his business, his finances and his marriage. Please help me figure out what, if anything, I should do in my situation. Any advice will be tremendously appreciated. I know this is his problem to conquer - I am not consumed with it & do take care of myself. Yet it is hard to do nothing...now that I know what I know...when you love and care about someone with all your heart.
If he is crazy now, WAIT till he FINDS OUT that you called his doctor!! take cover! I would go totally nuts!
That is exactly what I was thinking. He is not going to be a happy camper. The dr will probably cut him off. If I was still addicted and my spouse did this I would be totally ******. I don't think I would perceive it as a loving caring act.
I empathize with you in this situation. Have you heard of Al-anon? I would suggest trying Al-anon immediately. You can most likely find a meeting today if you want. Try 5-10 meetings before making a decision about them. I would also contact a counselor or helping agency that specializes in addictions. I think I would wait until I did these 2 things before making a decision on whether to confront him. The more information/support you have the better chance there is that he may accept help.
My advice....well.....tell him that you will have no contact with him until he goes to detox then rehab(at least 28 days). Tell him you love and support him but you just can't sit there while he slowly kills himself. Tell him that you'll go to "family day" when he is in rehab. Al-Anon meetings are a must for you right now. They'll tell you what to do and what not to do. The AA Big Book has a chapter called "To The Wives". You might want to read it and substitute the word "alcohol" with "dope".
Thank you all for your advice. I will definitely look for a local Al-Anon meeting to attend. I feel so shocked - and stupid for not putting two and two together. Yet he has always been "Mr. Anti-Drug Abuse" since the day we met, with very little sympathy towards those who have these problems. So needless to say, I am shocked, concerned, worried, angry - as I have been accused of being the liar in our marriage yet I've never lied once and quite scared. Scared for him and for us. Yet I love him so much that I do not feel I'd be honoring my marriage vows by turning my back to him. Thank you again. I will keep you posted on how things progress.
What a lucky man your husband is to have YOU in his life. I'm not sure how you might do this, but it would be great if he could check out this Board. He'd probably be so relieved to know he is in no way alone! Am not sure how you'd "introduce" this website!....but maybe Al-Anon has some suggestions. Keep us posted.
Thank you so much. Just an FYI, my husband 'surprised' me and came home yesterday. Had a nice evening with him - dinner & movies. Yet he is now biting off pieces of his pills right in front of me and actually chews them. I expressed concern about this and he said taking pieces of his pill every 2 hrs 'makes everything better'. Is he trying to make me aware in a round-about way? I do love him, yet cannot help being afraid of him. He seems to think I'm the one with the mental/psychological disorders. Yet a licensed counselor & then a psychologist have assured me that I am normal and feel he is not. I am now learning of several lies he's told. I didn't mention anything last night since he'd driven 20 hours to come home. I feel compelled to have a talk with him but fear how it will go. I will keep you posted. Thank you for your support and kind words.