I usually post on the PM board, but I jumped to this board because I'm going thru a divorce after 11 years of marriage to an alcoholic/addict.
Your stories break my heart and also help me realize I am doing the right thing. I too have been blamed for things that could not have possibly been my fault, but I love him, so I start thinking maybe it is my fault. IT'S NOT!
And it's NOT yours either. I understand that you love him, but you can only do so much for someone. If he has no desire to quit, he won't! No matter how much you beg and plead. Trust me, I finally gave up after 12 years, 2 rehabs and too many unkept promises. I have a 7 year old and I have to put her first. It's sad when your daughter says "Mommy I'm glad you divorced Daddy."
I guess I just want to thank you for putting your story out there. It helped me realize I'm not alone in this. I hope you take care of yourself first. That was one of my big mistakes. Always worrying about him, my own health went to hell.
Take care of yourself,
Thanks for writing...and I'm sorry that we have something such as this in common. Yes, I agree with you about all those broken promises. Like you, I have just simply grown weary of being my husband's scapegoat & whipping boy. I have tried to shoulder all of our problems pretty much all by myself with little or no effort from him to make this marriage work. I guess it is time to put my old-fashioned principles aside and do as the psychologist recommended MONTHS AGO..."Know when to fold your cards..." I've never quit anything in my life. It's just not my nature. My shoulders are sagging from the weight of all this stuff and my heart feels so heavy. Guess it's taken it's toll on me. Now I must let the chips fall where they may with my husband and focus on myself. I feel for you, I really do. Thank God my husband and I haven't had any children - that would make all of this so much harder to deal with. You sound like you're a strong woman, too. Feel free to talk with me any time you need someone to talk to.
I can't emphasize how much I have learned on this board. I truly feel I've made some beautiful friends here. I know addiction is an illness and a tough one to tackle. I do so admire the people who try. I sat in on an NA meeting last night and my heart truly went out to the people there. It sort of makes me wish that I could scoop up every single person and put them under my wing and try to help them along & protect them, because I care so much. Yet I understand that this is something each addict must do themselves. To hear these people admit their mistakes and how hard they are focusing on turning things around for themselves made me want to applaud each one of them. More than once my eyes filled with tears listening to their stories, which were very similar to mine. I sat there also realizing that, since my husband is not spiritual at all and that is a big part of NA, it is even more unlikely that my husband would gravitate towards help such as that. How sad.
You hang in there and stay strong. Focus on yourself and your little girl. We can do this. It's not going to be an easy road but we can navigate it with the right determination.
You are very strong also, and sound like you know what you need to do. I know it's hard, it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Mainly because I do still love him. He has moved about an hour away and is working, so that is better for him, but I'm sure still drinking. The hardest thing for me to understand is how he can go so long without seeing or talking to his daughter. He claims to love her soooo much, yet he can go a week without even calling to say hi, yet he can send me 5 messages a day! I hate seeing her heart broken.
Take care of yourself. You have to do what's best before it gets worse, which it almost always does.
I'm here if you need me also, if I don't see it here, pop on to the Pain managent board and drop a note!
You can do it!
I think what made me realize I had to find a way to quit was that I saw my wife separating herself from me mentally and I knew it was only a matter of time before she walked out on me, if I didn't take action to end my addiction. Now that I'm clear headed enough to understand her point of view, rather then selfishly think only of my own needs I can see that I was a 100% pure, royal pain in the azz. And it is hard for me to think about these past two years and the monster that I allowed myself to turn into. I can never give my wife back those two years, additionally it is two years of my life that I simply wasted, and who knows how much time I took off of my life span by abusing percocets. I haven't made peace with myself yet, I haven't been able to accept the person I allowed myself to become. But when I start trying to, it's going to be very hard. Right now, all I'm concentrating on is doing whatever my wife needs me to do to rebuild her trust in me, I'm sure it's along road. But when I'm alone, and get to thinking about these past two years, I fall to my knees and cry like a baby at what a shell of a man I've become. But while I'm on my knees, I thank God that he gave me a woman of extraordinary strength who stood by me. Don't get me wrong, she was thinking very seriously about leaving me. But she gave me just long enough to realize I was about to lose everything that is important to me in life and give me the time and the emotional support to try and become the man I once was. And as long as I don't lie to her, even if I slip up in some way, she can deal with it. I give her honesty and she gives me loving support to get through this. I'm sorry it didn't work for you, but I think most relationships don't survive a serious opiate addiction, I'd say you are more the rule than the exception. Take heart in the fact that you gave this addict some inspiration to keep on trying.
It really makes me happy to hear that you are doing all that you can to put effort into your marriage. God, if only my husband would do SOMETHING along those lines...anything. Maybe divorce paperwork will open his eyes? I can't say for sure. How I would love for that to be the case. I doubt he can see past his own suffering & maybe even guilt to see how this is killing me. I love him and care about him...in spite of the lies, in spite of the unexplained money problems. Right now though, I just cannot help but feel that he no longer cares about us. I really thought I'd hear from him for my b-day last weekend and didn't. Until he can be truly honest with himself about himself, I am left with no choice but to take the steps I'm taking - and that just eats away at me each day. It hurts - it's a disappointment. I've never quit anything in my entire life so that in itself makes it hard. Add on top of that the feelings of love I still hold for him and it's even tougher. I thought I was marrying someone who was honest and loving...and who valued my love for him. I thought I could believe in him. He swore he would never ever hurt me (my previous relationship of 14 yrs ended terribly - my ex chose the day that I was putting my horse to sleep to move his pregnant new girlfriend into our home). I put a lot of faith in this man only to end up feeling used & taken for granted and I cannot help but question if he ever loved me in the first place. You don't know how much I've resisted the urge to try to contact him. But after hearing him say that the suit I bought for him for our wedding would always serve as a reminder of how the day he wore it was the day his life went down the sh****r, I just can't do it. It's always been me crawling back to him and I just can't do it anymore. Those words cut like a knife. I'm hardly what you'd consider wealthy and HE comes from a wealthy family. He sent me an email with an attachment but no text. I didn't respond because, as hard as it was not to, I could not consider that an apology. It wouldn't have flown with him if the situation had been reversed, that much I do know. I see he signs onto the internet here & there and logs right back off. Maybe he's disappointed that I'm not IMing him and is afraid to IM me. I don't know. I cannot take the guessing games anymore. I never gave him a reason to fear contacting me - I merely picked up and left without saying a word that night. I hope I'm handling this whole situation the right way.
Please keep up the great work you are doing. Your wife is worth the effort. I am happy that she has stood by you, and that you recognized that she was doing so. My hat is off to you. I wish you were my husband's best friend so you could try to show him the light. I really hope my story benefits you and anyone else who may be struggling for motivation in fighting their addiction. I have every respect for you for trying. Please be proud of yourself - because you have come a long way down a long hard road.
Hi - I have been married barely 2 months and only now do I realize my husband has a serious drinking problem. It has totally broken my heart - we have been together 3.5 years and waited a lifetime to find one another (we are in our late 30s). Neither of us have been married before. I have been so anxious to begin the family I have yearned for all my life - and now it is all blowing up in my face.
I spoke to someone today who told me she gives me credit - that many women wait years and years and I can certainly see how that can happen. I love him very very much - when he is sober. But when he drinks I see a horrible, mean person I have never seen before.
You women are a huge inspiration to me. I am finally realizing I need to get myself help. I am very discouraged and feel hopeless about the situation frankly - because he will not admit a thing. Says I am crazy, that I drink too much (which I do not -) accuses me of drinking when I have not, sneaks his drinking and has now begun to come home drunk which means he is driving drunk.
Anyway - thank you for sharing your stories with me. I have a long road ahead of me to recover from this pain and hurt, but I am encouraged by your words.
Our situations sound so very identical. My husband and I were married in late October, 2003. Within 3 weeks of returning from our honeymoon, he seemed to change. Our newlywed months were hardly typical of newlyweds. He immediately became immersed in his computer day & night and preoccupied with a long-lost buddy and his computer woes. My Friday & Saturday nights were spent on the couch alone...while he 'played' upstairs on the computer either by himself or with his friend. I remember by Saturday night #3, I asked him if he'd like to join me to watch a movie that sounded good. He grew agitated at such a simple question & responded with, "What do I need to do?! Go out and get you a Frank doll to put beside you on the couch?!?!" Wow! Talk about making a new bridge feel special, eh? With his business, I started noticing a decline in his professionalism...poor decisions regarding the employees he hired, handing them keys to a customer's home (something he'd have never done in the past) only to have the place get robbed by his employees. If he wasn't playing on the computer, he was sleeping off a migraine or other ailment. Most of my non-working hours were spent dozing on the couch out of boredome & depression. Before I knew it, I was being blamed for everything going wrong with his business - things I had no control over whatsoever. If I was guilty of anything, it was taking pro-active/damage control measures (i.e., meeting him & the homeowner at a home improvement store to use my credit card for replacement locks after the robbery - because he claimed he didn't have the $80 and I sure didn't want a lawsuit to come our way). He accused me of sabotaging his business, yet I was the one paying for ads in our local papers, peddling flyers whenever I walked my dog and posting business cards on local bulletin boards.
I started getting somewhat suspicious about these situations after about 4 months of marriage. How can one person have so many runs of 'bad luck' I'd ask myself. I guess I was in my own denial and for too long. The R&D manager where I work had him out for an estimate to build a new garage in May. My husband dragged his feet with the written estimate for 2 weeks. In the midst of this, he decided to ask me to leave. After listening to him cry all winter long about the lack of work/money in our area, you can imagine my surprise when he told my manager that he was 'too busy' to take on the garage job. Yet I'm the one sabotaging the business???
You are undoubtedly feeling the same way I am...heartbroken, disappointed and worried. If any of my experiences ring a bell with you, PLEASE do something to protect yourself financially now, if nothing else. Within 7 months of marriage, my decent sized savings account was depleted by 50%, money I had worked hard to save by pinching pennies & doing without this or that. I don't even want to go into how I was suckered into using my credit cards for the wedding/honeymoon expenses. Do not take the abuse. Find a safe haven for yourself - even if it hasn't gotten physical, the mental abuse can be just as damaging. Take it from me, I know.
Take care and good luck. Keep me posted on how you are doing. The steps we must take aren't always easy. Unfortunately, the time comes when we must stop following our hearts and start using our heads.
Dear scared wife
What is going on with you? Have you heard from your husband?
I cannot believe how similiar your complaints are like mine. I , too, was suckered into paying for a trip to cancun and a cruise with my american express. He said, "lets use your card cause we will get discounts if we use the express card. I will pay you back when I get my "big check" on friday" Then on the cruise when we would go to the ATM, "Man, I cannot believe they did not deposit my check, those a***holes, who do they think they are! I will straighten it out when we get home" Ok that NEVER happened. I too saved him from many instances, usually buying his prescriptions. I would run to meet him with my card to save him. Then IF and when he paid me back he was ALWAYS short the amount. He was a mess and made me miserable but for some reason I adored him.
The only good thing is NOW, 6 years later, he is still around but now he showers my daughter and I with expensive gifts, like this whole computer system I am typing on now, and he gave my daughter a lap top! He has given me thousands of dollars in the last year. WHY? all for his own guilt. He is trying to make up for all the bad he did.
He is trying to get me back but I have NO feelings for him at all. I do take the gifts and probably should not cause then he has a "in" with me but I don't care as a single mom and a teacher damn I need all the help I can get! He literally put me into bankruptcy 5 years ago. Little did I know he had gone through the whole thing before I met him. That is why he "lived" of me as soon as he met me, he moved right in!
Anyway, I would love to know how you are doing and if you are stronger these weeks later. I hope so. And who knows maybe down the line years from now he will do the same thing my guy is doing. I never thought that would happen. But everyone says I deserve it!
Well, just to update you, I still have not heard one word from my husband. My family & friends are pretty amazed and yet, at the same time, relieved. I bounce back & forth in the emotion department. One minute I'm sad and depressed over it, the next minute I'm focusing on all of the deception and lousy treatment I've received and feel angry. Maybe hanging on to that anger will keep me from softening much if he does call? I don't know - maybe these feelings are normal for what I'm going through. I am not an angry person - so the anger usually doesn't last too long. It's there just the same though.
Eileen - wow! You and I were both suckered in my eyes. I, too, fell for a lot of 'stories' that were believable. We went to pick out a suit for my husband before our wedding. Initially his father was supposedly going with him but changed his mind at the last minute. So I went with him and the salesman got him all fitted up in a really nice suit, shirt, shoes, tie - the whole 9 yards at a grand total of $530! (My girlfriend had found a nice formal white dress on a clearance rack at Fashion Bug at a price of $50 - that was MY attire.) My husband said he really hated to take the money out of his business account because his crew would be working while we were on our honeymoon & he wanted to be sure there was enough money in the account for his dad to buy materials & pay the guys. Seemed reasonable to me...I mean, heck - we're getting married in 2 weeks and since he's doing this big addition job, paying off that portion of my credit card shouldn't be a problem, right? Wrong. Now I look back & think to myself, "His parents are supposed to be millionares. Funny how he didn't want to risk not being able to pay THEM back as was the case with me." Next came the honeymoon itself. We booked our airline tickets & confirmed the rental car with my credit cards again. When we got to the car rental counter, guess who stood there looking at me to pull out my credit card to pay for the car? Certainly not my Mr. Wonderful. No problem, I thought - we're married, he's working a big job so paying this won't be a problem. In the meantime, his parents had given him $1,000 in travelers checks for the honeymoon.
The night before the wedding, we were reviewing our money situation for our 'big day'. I noticed that while we'd be on our honeymoon, the rent would be due. He said he didn't have enough to cover that (I'm thinking he's planning to pay for the dinner with all the money he had laid out in front of him). So the morning of our wedding, I ran out to the bank to transfer money from the savings to the checking in order to get the rent check in the mail before we left.
Our wedding was small, which ended up being somewhat of a blessing in disguise. It was immediate family and a handful of close friends - and his employees. The dinner tab came to over $700 and guess again who stood there looking at me when it came to be time to pay the tab? I cringed inside at this point and pulled out my credit card yet again. How do you plan a wedding for 6 months and not put so much as $500 aside towards ANY of these expenses?! Even your own attire?! In the meantime, I'd paid for the cake and the flowers. I cashed a $500 bond 2 days earlier to have extra spending money on the honeymoon...well, that was used to pay the photographer and the minister. When we came home from the honeymoon, I took the monetary gifts we received and put them into my checking account thinking we could maybe find a nice piece of furniture one day, etc. So much for that idea...I used it to pay the next month's rent. At this point, I'm sitting here wondering what the hell have I done here? He's building this addition priced at about $40,000 yet always seems broke. The homeowner was paying for the job in thirds or something. The labor can't be that much...and neither can the materials. What's going on here?
So...here I am today...with credit card balances higher than they've ever been and a savings account that in 7 months of marriage was half of its value. It really hits you when you see it in plain black and white...my attorney faxed a draft of the paperwork to me last Thursday and there it all was in writing. As I reviewed the paperwork and saw the figures, that's when it all hit me. I wonder if it will have that same effect on him when he receives it? I am anxious to see what information he provides on the financial *****avit that we're both required to complete. Because I don't even know how much he made last year - or the year before for that matter. He sent me to my own accountant to get my taxes done, claiming that his accountant thought it best that we do that since we married so late in the year of 2003. It seemed unusual to me that his accountant wouldn't want to actually see what my earnings/deductions were and that he wouldn't be interested in preparing my taxes either way. Now I sit here wondering if my husband even has an accountant...and if he even filed a tax return last year.
So, to answer your question, I guess on one hand I'm still being strong. On the other, I find myself wanting to call him and beg him to get help and come clean with me on these matters. Now I question whether or not he even loved me in the first place - or if I was nothing more than another safety net in his life, like his parents are? Either way, it still hurts like hell. So when I get to feeling down about it all, I read through that paperwork again.
To make matters worse, I kept dreaming about him Saturday night & in the dreams he was telling me over & over again that he loved and how much. I woke up wondering if maybe he'd been thinking about me and that subconsciously I was aware of it maybe. How desperate is that on my part? More wishful thinking I guess.
Well, you hang in there yourself. Maybe my husband will end up doing as yours is doing for you. Be sure to let me know how you're doing as well and maybe we can swap more horror stories. It sounds as though we have both been taken advantage of in our relationships. I'm sorry I wasn't on here at all during the weekend. I stayed off the internet intentionally since he seemed to be signing on & off quickly - almost like he was checking up on me or something & maybe found relief in the fact that I was at home on the computer instead of out somewhere. So my sister told me to try to stay off the internet and let him wonder for a change to let him see how it feels.
Hey Scared Wife
You've been on my mind alot but have been having computer problems........you should see the one he has pieced together from spare parts just so I could get online........the things we do!!!
Have been thinking about you and it doesn't sound like much has changed since I checked on you last. You know I had more faith in the boy than this, but our addictions are so self serving so very important to us.......WE THINK!! I want to keep sending you good thoughts..if I could only shake some sense into him.
Thanks for checking in on me and for your kind thoughts. I'm sorry to hear about your computer problems and hope they get fixed real soon for you. Isn't that an aggravating thing to deal with?!
You are right, not much seems to have changed with my situation. In spite of my anger, which even the psychologist says I'm justified for feeling after all that I've endured, I still feel so frustrated, bewildered and hopeless. Like you, I wish I could get my hands on my husband and shake some sense into him. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I have not said or done anything to him to make him reluctant to call or write - so I'm not sure what that means. My mom is 81 and was married to my father for 56 years when he passed away - so she has quite a bit of wisdom and said she's thinks he's sitting around with a guilty conscience after the hateful things he has said to me. She said he has to know somewhere deep inside of himself that his attitude and behavior towards me are wrong, cruel and unjustified. It's hard to say what might be going on in his head these days - and I am oh-so exhausted from trying to guess and figure things out. Only he has those answers. I am wondering if the paperwork he should soon be receiving from my attorney will open his eyes as it did with me. Seeing the math of it all sure was a big reality pill for me. I wonder if it will be the same for him?
Anyhow...I certainly hope that you are doing well these days. How are things going in your life? I think about you often and have you in my prayers. By the way, I have been attending some NA meetings here and there and it has been a very good experience for me. It really helps me to understand and feel even more compassion to anyone who is dealing with an addiction problem. I highly, HIGHLY recommend it to anyone who has yet to sit in on a meeting. I go with my girlfriend's teenage daughter who was recently released from an in-patient rehab center to support her along with her mom. I have learned so much about behaviors, etc. I feel so much better when I go home from the meetings because they have helped me put 2 and 2 together in a lot of areas.
Well, enough rambling from me. Please write soon and let me know how you are doing.
Your Mom sounds like an alright lady........it took me alot of years to learn it but there ain't nothing like genuine good old down home LIFE EXPERIENCE. It's sad it took me so long to learn it, I'd not have had to make all the mistakes I did if I'd only listened........and I have to agree with her 100%. I'm betting he doesn't really know how to approach you after all the crap he has dished out. Stay Tough Hon,........I know that you still love this man deeply, and I so admire the strength you've shown thru all of this. My thoughts and prayers are with you everyday........
You are so sweet to me all of the time. I sure wish you lived next door to me. We could cry on each other's shoulders daily, weekly or whatever! lol Then again, I'd probably get on your nerves.
My mom is a great, strong lady - the family rock. She's been through some tough times in her day (growing up on a farm during the depression, making a marriage work for 56 years and raising us 3 brats through those years). I'm no less guilty than you or anyone else when it comes to not listening to my parents with all of their experience in life. Hindsight's always 20-20, isn't it?!
She saw things right from the start that I either did not see or chose not to because I was so smitten with my husband from day one. Yet she's a lot like my dad in so many ways...doesn't try to run your life for you or anything like that. She'll just say subtle little things to hopefully make you think a little and figure things out on your own. Sometimes we hear them, sometimes we don't - for whatever reason. She's also got a great sense of humor (she signs the cards for her sons- and daughter-in-law "Mother Outlaw" LOL), loves Lynyrd Skynyrd & Aerosmith in addition to her country music and watches American Chopper faithfully each Monday night. So you can imagine my surprise when my husband would make the hateful remarks about her like he did. Everyone else just adores her and thinks she's totally cool for an 81 year old.
Yes, I do still love my husband in spite of everything. Somewhere in there lurks the man that I first met and fell in love with, who would do anything to help a person out and always seemed to have his priorities well in order. If nothing else comes out of this marriage, I only hope that he one day will get the help he needs. Maybe one day if he gets himself back on track, who knows what could happen with us. I sure don't want to get my hopes too high though.
Well, you hang in there and lean on me any time you need to. You've been an angel to me and I owe you oh-so much for all of your support. Believe me, I don't always feel like the strong person you describe. You sound so much tougher & stronger than I am. I really don't think I could've made it this far without you & everyone else...I'd have surely lost my mind by now. Don't worry about those life experiences we tend to be blind to for so long. We'll learn through them together!
PS - I only wish you could've known my father during his lifetime. He was awesome, too!