I have been married for only fifteen months and recently discovered my husband is addicted to cocaine.
When we first met, eight years ago, he told me that he does it occasionally and used to have a "problem". I told him that I am strongly opposed to the drug and if he wanted to pursue a relationship with me, he had to comit to NEVER using the drug again. He agreed and it was not an issue. Over the course of the eight years, I found that he did coke at least once a year at some special occasion, where it was impossible to refuse. Everytime I found out about a time he'd used, it was NEVER from him. I hated being lied to and I hated that he was always so weak to the drug. But, I forgave him, every time, because once a year wasn't the worst that could happen.
Well, we got married last Spring and it's been one hell of a first year. He started working at a new job right before the wedding and immediately bonded with the guys in his crew (he is a carpenter). We started to socialize with his work friends and their wives on a regular basis. Nothing seemed uneasy to me until this past April. His paycheques were significantly decreasing and he was working more often...then he missed a mortgage payment. The last thing I thought was cocaine, I had no idea what it could have been, but never once did cocaine cross my mind. Until my dad passed by and discovered a rolled up $5 with cocaine reminents still inside...sitting by the toilet in the guest bathroom. I approached my husband when he got home from work that day and discovered a baggie of coke in his pocket! I kicked him out immediately.
Two weeks later, he admitted to using once in a while with the guys at work, but that it wasn't a "problem" and the missing money was because he was loaning it to his coke friends to support their addictions. I immediately called one of the friends wife, I wanted her to know what my husband was accusing him of and to get an honest answer. That was a huge mistake, the wife didn't believe me, the husband denied everything and my husband said that it was all true. Knowing there was little I could do at that point, I decided to support him and we went to marriage counselling. He professed on and on that coke wasn't a problem, he was only using socially and that the marriage wouldn't survive if I didn't believe him. So I did.
But no matter what I wanted to believe, the signs and symptoms were obvious. He'd blow his nose ALL NIGHT LONG, he'd barely eat dinner, he'd stay up late when he'd normally be sleeping by 9:00pm, he was irriatble and energetic and extremely aggressive during sex. I promised the marriage psychologist that I would respect his privacy and stop searching his belongings to find evidence, but I couldn't help it. One day I was making the bed and a baggie of coke fell from between the mattresses. This started a seaching frenze, I checked every single inch of our home for more evidence. I found baggies of cocaine hidden every where, the bathrooms, jacket pockets, behind picture frames, under the couch, EVERYWHERE. When he got home from work (this is now two months later), I confronted him again and he FINALLY ADMITTED HIS PROBLEM. He's been heavily addicted now since February and spends at least $100 on it, DAILY.
I love him, I will support him, I will stand by his side through this until the end, but that is so much easier said than done. He is eighteen days sober today and I want to strangle him. My patience is worn out, I am so hurt and bitter now that I am the last person he should be exposed to while trying to recover. I try my best to support him and bite my tongue, but when do I get support? His recovery is ALL ABOUT HIM, that my suffering has become insignificant. Now I've lost my husband, he's not here for me at all. It's all about him. We are in financial crisis because of him. We are on the brink of divorce, I am terrified and I can't show it to him, because he's trying to recover. I am running out of patience and support and I've started biting back...telling him what I really think of him and his choices. I know I'm not supposed to take this personal, that the drug has taken over and this isn't my husband speaking...BUT IT IS. Unfortunately, I AM in reality and this is it...I am angry, I am fed up. I JUST got married and this is what I'm left with. I am not a wife, I am his therapist, his sounding board, his rock, his pillar, his friend, his cook, his maid, his sex partner...and I have nothing. He is not a husband, he is not a support, he is not reliable or trustworthy and he speaks horribly now because he is jonesing for cocaine. I can't take it anymore. Should I just throw in the towel and let him go? Will he ever recover or will I be back here in years from now facing the same scenario? I love him, but I can't handle any more of this either. Please help.
Last edited by lostnewwife; 08-13-2005 at 04:06 PM.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. If you read my thread you will learn about my situation also. Drugs that I suspected broke up a 5 year relationship. I believe my ex has such a bad addiction he can't afford to live anywhere but a hotel. I know what your going through. I kept taking my ex back all the time and finally I got pregnant and figured if I wanted a good life I would have to leave him behind. It would be different if he had admitted his problem and gotten help but obviously he doesn't want it!
Thank you, Nancy005. I read your thread and appreciate your perspective. My husband has decided to move out for the next two weeks and seek professional help, or support groups at the very least. He fully admits to his addiction, his deceit, his destruction and wants to return to the man I married. I think the more space he gives me (while he is so miserable and suffering withdrawls and cravings), the better it will be for both of us. Right now I am not supportive and vice versa. I hope he continues to stay off and seek help, but most importantly, that he is no longer living here, continuing to make my life hell. For six months he has destroyed everything we've built, and as a result of his destructive behaviour and choices, I am completely spent. I have nothing to give him, and right now he needs support more than ever, I simply don't have the strength. I read on another thread that a woman referred to her son's addiction as a full-time job and it is, and then some. I don't mean to be selfish, but at this point, I have no other choice. I have neglected myself and focused solely on him this entire time, and now I think he needs to recover from his addiction and I need to recover from the pain and devastation. Am I wrong? Should I let him stay here? Am I expected to tolerate his behaviour during his recovery? I feel guilty, but I know this is what is best for me.
Lostnewwife: Yours is a sad story, but you are not alone. Nearly everybody who has an addict in their life feels the same way as you. You have been lied to so many times and there has been so much havoc in your life. You did nothing to deserve this pain.
Lost, there is nothing NOTHING as selfish, self-centered, self-serving, or manipulative as an addict.
There is also NOTHING you can do to change him or to get him clean. What we call being supportive usually fuels the addiction and prolongs recovery.
You are correct that you need some support. A good start would be to find a local Alanon group. This is a group for family and friends of alcoholics and drug addicts. It is hugely helpful for most people who attend. There is no fee and everybody is welcome. Usually they pass the hat to pay for coffee (throw in a buck or two if you have it). Almost every community has meetings. Check your phone book or do an internet search for locations.
You are lucky he moved out. It saves you the trouble of kicking him out or you moving out yourself. Don't be surprised to find out that he moved out so that he could go back to drugs.
Spend an evening or so reading the posts on this website from people in the same situation as you. You will find that you have plenty of company. You might think that somebody has re-written your post or lived your life already. Follow the whole thread and you may find some of the answers you are looking for as well.
Last edited by thghtsreal; 08-13-2005 at 11:38 PM.
listen to this stupidity!!!! i was married to an alcoholic for 22 years. divorced and married a cocaine addict. had no idea he used the stuff because i never did any drugs and didn't know what to look for. big difference in the 2. the alcoholic was very obvious the cocaine addict wasn't. it took me a year of marriage for the light bulb to light up. i knew there was a problem but didn't know what. i should have suspected because i had the feeling. you all know the feeling. somethings wrong and you lie to yourself so you don't have to face it. he stopped years ago and now is abusing vicodin. same old story, no difference. mood changes, mean and denies having a problem. right now we are in a bad financial situation that should change within a month or two. i ahve to make a decision. go on my own again or know that his problem is his and not make any plans around him. sort of go about my own business, take advantage of his financial help but make a life for myself. am not sure yet how this will end.
Im sorry to hear of your situation..its tough..but i thought it may be helpful to look at this thru the eyes of an addict..
i must say..that first-this is an addiction and recovery board-so many people here have abused/used drugs..there are also-those who come here for support for recovery-having used drugs-gone thru the process of getting off-them..and need support.
And like yourself-folks who need support becaused their loved ones are addicted..and need support to help coping..
I am not abusing drugs-now..i am on a med that relieves w/d..and have been in treatment for a few years-therapy/meds..outpatient grps..etc.
ive been clean from my d.o.c. for 2 yrs.
I wanted to tell you this is NOT a moral issue..this is not a personal vendetta..toward you-your husband has addiction issues-that need to be worked out w/ the help of therapy..or perhaps AA/NA support grps..where he can get to the bottom of why he uses..
Hes an adult-and knows the differance..but thats not going to stop the "monster" from rearing its ugly head..this doesn't just "go away"..i believe in professional help-addictionologists..therapists..
It can take a long time-working out these issues-but its very hard to do it on your own..nearly impossible.
Cocaine is one of those drugs-that for years-were considered pretty harmless-almost likened to marijuana-party drug..in the 80s-seemed as though it was everywhere..
Now-we know better-extremely addictive-and now cheaper than ever.
Your husband has to want to quit-for himself-for health/family/finances..his world..
You will need support too-to deal w/ his emotional state..etc..
If you have insurance-there are # on the back of the card-for mental health/substance abuse..call-make an appt..for YOU..
And he needs to do this for himself as well...
When your addicted-you do become extremely selfish-your world becomes so small-its all about getting/using drugs..not much room for anything else.
The fact is-that cocaine has serious effects on the brain-causing extreme behavior-and chemical changes that may be permanent..
You can tell an addict-clean up or your out..but that doesn't stop the craving/and abuse..
And tolerance to the drug-means he needs more to get the same effect-so the 100.00 dollar a day..habit(approx-2 grams) which is ALOT.can increase.
There are options for treatment-can he get time off?
Please let me know how i can help..
Last edited by goddessgrl65; 08-14-2005 at 06:45 AM.
thanks so much!! and good luck on your recovery. i don't look down my nose at my husband or anyone else. i have never met an addict that wanted to be one or who wasn't one of the kindest people. i know my husband needs help i just wish he knew it.will i leave him? i doubt it because i do love him very much. i just get so frustrated sometimes that i don't know what to do and at the same time knowing i can't do anything. just need to detach myself from it and believe.
thank you so much; angel54, goddessgrl65 and thghtsreal. This website is so helpful because it offers support in so many ways. What I am finding most useful is the insight into an addict's mind; I am learning so much and it is helping me support my husband. Thank you for your feedback, I appreciate your support and concern more than words can express.
My biggest fear is that my husband will use while he is living at his parents. They are clueless about his addiction and the symptoms of him using, so he can get away with it there much easier than he can with me...but that is a risk I am willing to take right now. I purchased drug tests online that I can use when he returns home, to ensure he didn't fall off the wagon...I know I can't trust him, so this is comforting in a weird way.
Right now my husband cannot go into a full-day rehab program because we can't afford him to be off work for 28 days. Since this habit is SO EXPENSIVE, he's wipped out every cent in our accounts. I believe that rehab is the only solution that can help right now, but unfortunately, something we cannot afford. I will wait until he comes back home in two weeks and hopefully in September, he can get the fulltime help he so desperately needs. I do believe that he is nineteen days sober; his appetite is back, he sleeps again and he is no longer blowing his nose...I just hope this keeps up AND NEVER RETURNS. The fact that he quit his job and is no longer exposed to the people who encouraged him to start using again is a blessing. I called his boss and told him that everyone was abusing drugs and the whole team was fired. It was hard for me to rat out my husband, but I did it with the best intentions. I am glad it's helped in his recovery.
What worries me now is the physical signs of w/d are significantly less obvious and I wonder why. So, if anyone can provide insight regarding the w/d signs and how to tell if he still, in fact, is 19 days sober, it would be greatly appreciated. I have never used cocaine, I know very little about this drug other than what I've researched online and read on these message boards.
Again, thank you to everyone for your feedback and support, I no longer feel so alone and helpless.
I feel like I understand that a addict doesn't wanna hurt people intentionally and is stuck in a world of using and abusing. Should someone stay if that person won't even admit their problem? Or doesn't even think they have a problem? I hate to say this but I doubt my ex will ever get off the drugs. Everywhere he goes and lives is full of drugs. My ex told me that he used to do cocaine but didn't do it anymore. I'm not so sure about that anymore. I have wanted to help him for so long but he doesn't wanna help himself so I can't help him. I am only 18 years old and have lived a life with stress and anxiety. I couldn't take the stress anymore. We have a child that will be born in march but that doesn't change him or fade him the least. That's why I had to get away from him and stop talking to him. I want the best for my child and I know that he won't be able to give us a home because of his using. He can't even afford to take care of himself. My ex has no support system. His dad was never there for him and his mom and family just don't care. I just feel like passing him off on some other chick, I know that sounds wrong but i'm so hurt by all the lies and i'm not so sure I can forgive him. I have forgave him time after time and I asked him to get help and he will not. He has no insurance, no car anymore, all because I know hes using. I have accused him of using and all he does is call me a ***** and hang up on me. He will not listen to what i have to say. I have brought this boy food the day after he got paid and didn't have any money. I want to have a life, I want to be happy and I know I will never be with him. Hes not a young boy either, hes 26 years old. He just won't grow up for this baby, its like he doesn't care. So why should I?
Sorry to jack your thread!!!! I know you asked if you thought it was wrong and selfish to leave your husband? I don't think it is, I think if you have taken all you can take you should just get on with your life, if he doesn't wanna get help.
at some point that is exactly what you have to do. i did it once with my first husband the alcoholic. it's not being mean and it doesn't mean you don't care about them it's just gooing on and living your life in the best way you can. no one can live their life around an addict. they are too unpredictable and you either feel bad and want to help and can't or are so angry all the time that you can't function on a daily basis. at least that is what it is like for me. anger and sadness, loneliness. no way to live.
That's exactly how I feel, I am so angry and have been for a long time. I'm so angry because he has basically abandoned me financially through this pregnancy. I have no money for clothes and other things. I live with my parents which don't have a lot of money to help me out they do what they can. I'm in my last year of highschool, last year was supposed to be my last but I had to do another year. I have no job right now because I'm in the process for trying to SSI for my mental illness. He has chosen his drug friends over me and this baby I just don't understand this!
You can do nothing to save him, you must save yourself. Go to alanon,NOW.there are some where all they do is *****, you want to find one where they use the 12 steps and get into the solution. If you do talk to him again tell him that he needs to get into treatment for at least 30 days and then he needs to go to n.a. meetings all the time. If he is not willing to do this cut your loses and move on.lizard50
nancy i totally agree with lizard. things don't always work out as we intend or want. you sound like you are young. learn now how to take of yourself and as lizard says cut your loses. if you have no money which i understand(been there) go to your local library and take out every book you can find on addictions and co-dependency. read,read,read until you get some understanding that it has nothing to do with you or your baby or love for that matter. it is a horrible disease that has no bounderies. lizard is also right about meetings. some are good and some are not. find one that fits with you. there is no easy answer but you have to start somewhere to make yourself more comfortable and not worried and angry all the time. best of luck.
Thanks both for replies, I'm 18 years old so yea i'm young! Too young to deal with crap like this lol! I have been reading a lot about addictions and I am having some understanding about it. I already knew what it could cause though. My uncle is addicted to crack, and I see him looking like he is going to die everytime I see him. He lies, steals, he has bad health problems now also. He goes to the hospital in an ambulance once a week, sometimes just to get meds to sell. Tough road, hes never really had the help he needs. My family sent him to a rehab center a couple months ago but he signed hisself out within a week. I just think i'm too young to have to deal with this guys problems. I'm now gonna have another human being to look after.
when i left my first husband after being married 22 years, 3 children and dating 4 years before the marriage i remember sitting in MY apartment the first night alone and thinking how peaceful it was. knowing i did it for myself and my daughters meant the world to me. i have never looked back with regret. stuck it out so long because i loved him and had hope. we have been divorced for 15 years and he is still the same. i cannot imagine living another 15 years with the same situation. i thank God i got out when i did.