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Old 10-07-2005, 01:26 PM   #1
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My Brother

Well is here my story. This story is about my brother and my mom and dad and myself. The last month has been hell for us. I am 32 and my brother is 35. My brother got divorced 2 years ago and he hasnít been right since. All his life he has been a bit different. Well anyway, my brother met up with an heroin/crack addict a few months ago. He supposivley fell in love with this girl and quickly became obsessed with helping her. Mind you, my brother has his own addictions to pot and also has used crack in the past. He moved back home about a month ago and my parents have been going crazy with him. He had some break downs and we thought we was ready to get away from that girl but it has not happened. This girl has been in at least 4 detox's and does not last more than 3 days. He is trying to help this girl and my and my parents are trying to help him, its like a snowball effect. He is seeing a therepist and had one session already. We have backed off him some the past week. Last night he had me on the phone for an hour, he was crying to me, where did he go wrong, why cant I help her. I cant believe the things he is saying. He is so depressed and admits it. My parents have done SO MUCH for him and also tried to save his business also, but they are starting to give up, because he is not showing signs of getting away from her, and when he is with her, he is a different person. He worries about her constantly. Both my brother and myself have OCD and many obsessions. I seek help on my own and it works for me. I have become obessed wih trying to help him but there is really nothing more I can do. Now all I think about is my parents, how can they cope? Should they kick my brother out? He is so selfish. Will tough love work? Well speak of my brother, he just called me at work and GUESS WHAT? He is with that girl again. I am sick over this. I am mad at him too. Do I tell him that? Kind of, its hard. He just wont stop helping this girl. My poor mom and dad. They are devastated. What could we do?

 
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Old 10-07-2005, 02:41 PM   #2
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Re: My Brother

Cut him loose.

 
Old 10-07-2005, 05:02 PM   #3
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Re: My Brother

well its getting vey close to that BUT...what if he becomes suicidal because he thinks his family gave up on him?

 
Old 10-07-2005, 05:16 PM   #4
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Re: My Brother

From a newly recovering addicts point of view (my opinion only). He is most likely using crack too. He fits the pattern. Crack is my drug of choice also. If he's tried it and she's using and he's with her, 99% sure he's using. There is nothing you can do for him. He must do it for himself. An addict will bring anyone and everyone around them down with them. You must protect yourself as well as your parents must protect themselves - emotionally and financially. You can not be responsible for him. If he chooses to commit suicide, there is nothing you can do to stop him. If that were to happen, it is his choice. He can't get better unless he want to. He can't do it for your, your parents or anyone else. He must do it for himself. I've been there personally with my now ex-significant other. I had to let him go over 50 days ago when I decided to get clean. Please read all the post you can here and we'll give you all the information/advice we can.

 
Old 10-07-2005, 05:28 PM   #5
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Re: My Brother

I think tough love is the answer. Stop mending the broken fences for him. Let his business fail, let him find himself without a place to lay his head at night, change the phone number if you have to. I know it's hard. I have a father who drives me insane - he's been sick his whole life in either a mental, physical or spiritual way..or some combination there of. It sounds cold, but I pretty much cut him out of my life. I can't handle the negativity and problems it creates in my heart, mind or life. He never had any consequences for his bad behavior. Controlling everything and everyone in his life in every way always was and still is his only way of dealing with life. I can't handle it.
Your brother is a grown man. I can completely understand helping someone who really wants to help himself...but it sounds like he doesn't really want help. It sounds more like he wants someone to cosign his bad decisions, console him when things go wrong and then help him put the pieces back together. That's called enabling. You and your family enable him to continue his behavior every time you repeat the cycle of helping, consoling & forgiving. How will he ever reach a bottom of any kind if someone is always "helping" him out of the hole he digs for himself?
I don't mean to sound cold hearted...but sometimes that is what it takes to get through. I can fully relate to cutting family out of your life. I have 6 aunts & uncles I do not associate with since I have been old enough to decide for myself..I haven't seen them in many years. They are all dealers, addicts and thieves who refuse to admit there might be a problem in their lives. I have a father I tolerate only when absolutely necessary - I do not agree with his madness, I do not go along with his schemes, I do not listen to his insanity, I refuse to be pulled into it all. I have cut myself off completely from those who I feel would harm my attempt at recovery and a shot at some "normal" life with my husband and kids. They are truly the only "blood" family I have. It was a hard decision...after all he's my dad. I love him, but I must love myself more.
As always...this is just an outsider looking in with limited information. In the end we make our own decisions because we are the ones who have to lay down with them at night.
Best Wishes.

Last edited by BeginAgain; 10-07-2005 at 05:30 PM.

 
Old 10-07-2005, 09:54 PM   #6
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Re: My Brother

jojotigerlily,

Hope you had a good day and listen to BeginAgain. Her post have helped me so much over the last 50 something days.

BeginAgain,

Thanks for that post. There are things there I need to apply to my family also. And their not addicts/alcoholics just negative people in my life who will impede my recovery. Hope you're enjoying your quiet time.

Your friend
Arememom

 
Old 10-08-2005, 02:26 AM   #7
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Re: My Brother

Thanks everyone, keep the replies coming, I am reading all of them. Last night was pretty bad. It was my parents 38 wedding anniversary, they went out for a nice dinner and went home. I was home with my husband watching TX, relaxing. At about 9:00 PM my cell phone rings, its my brother pretty much yelling at me. "what is going on with mom? why is she yelling at me and freaking out?, YOU NEED TO CALL HER blah blah blah. I said Look brother, I dont know what to tell you. I didnt baby him. I talked in plain tone. I hung up and called my mom. She said her and my father had "words" and he went to bed. That killed me, I feel so bad. My mom said that my father and her cant agree on the situation. I THINK my mom wants him out, My dad is still trying to help him. My mom said she will never ever ever except his girlfriend no matter what, even if she did get clean and get help. It would never happen. My dad on the other hand gives everyone a second chance.
So last night my brother said he was at the hospital with this girl because she was very sick, her pancreas was going bad. She was puking and very sick. My husband is yelling at me telling me to get off the phone wiht him, he is a liar and I am sick of it. My husband comes from a long history line of drug abuse in his family, he says tough love is the only way.
Right now, its 530am, I wish I could talk to someone, mom, dad or my brother, just to make sure they are OK. but its too early. I hope the night went ok, especially for my parents.

 
Old 10-08-2005, 02:24 PM   #8
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Re: My Brother

Good Afternoon,

As a recovering addict and having to deal with other addicts/alcoholics in my family all my life, I tend to agree with your husband. Look at what your brother and his girlfriend are doing to your entire family. As long as you talk to him, he and she will reak havock on your life. It is very hard to let someone go. I encourage you to talk to your brother and tell him how much you love and care for him, but for now you must let him go for your own sanity. If you decide to do this, you will also have to tell your parents that you do not want to hear or talk about him and his problems. It's tough to do but I let my baby sister go over 30 years ago. I only see and talk to her at major events in our life (ie funerals). Each time I see her, I hug her and tell her how much I love her and If she ever wants to change I'll be there for her. Over the years I've given her my phone number numerous times at these events and tell her to call me if she's ever ready. She has never called me and has been a very violent raging addict/alcoholic all her life. I, myself became an addict within this calendar year and it only took me six months to hit bottom and know I didn't want this craziness in my life. I hope you are having a good weekend and keeping strong.

Your friend,
Arememom

 
Old 10-08-2005, 04:30 PM   #9
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Re: My Brother

Tonight my brother is by his girlfriends bedside in the ER. I guess they are doing a cat scan, something is wrong with her stomach. Its hard for me to believe. I hear sometimes addicts go to the ER just for a night to stay for a bed. I want to believe my brother, but its hard. My dad did bring hime something to eat at the hospital. My Dad is a softy, I love him so much. I dont know whats going to happen, thats whats so scary. I will keep the board posted.
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Old 10-17-2005, 07:46 AM   #10
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Re: My Brother

Well, my brothers girlfriend has been in a rehab since last Thursday. She has been clean for about 2 weeks. She is staying in a sober house and they come pick her up for counseling and sessions. My brother is still obsessed with helping her, as of right now things are OK. EXCEPT my Mom and Dad, they are having a hard time dealing with it. My Mom is worse than my Dad. My Mom is devastated. She will never except this girl even if she does get clean, NEVER! And my brother just recently moved back home due to finances so my parents see his every waking issue. I understand its hard for them, my Mom tells me I dont understand because I dont live with them. I told my mom that her and my father need to get some counseling. I tell her, if your going to let him live at home for now, then you need to get yourself some help to learn how to deal with things. Any other advice?
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Old 10-17-2005, 11:51 AM   #11
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Re: My Brother

Hey jojotigerlily,

I'm glad you told mom around getting counseling. Don't be surprised if she doesn't. Life is about choices. Just a little something I picked up lately. lol I've gotten really good at detaching from my families ongoing drama. I'm the addict getting well, but my family who choose everyday to stay stuck in the same ole crap, look at me like I'm the crazy one when I tell them. You make your choices and you will live with the consequences. I have 2 sons (twins) who disagree on most everything. They always have put me in the middle for advice. I no longer let them do that. I have told both of them that they must work it out themselves or not. But I must take care of me at this point, so not to go back out and use. Funny!!! They don't know how to act or what to say when I cut them off when one of them starts whining about the other (they're 27 yrs old, Men). Hope you have a good day.

Your friend,
Arememom

 
Old 10-17-2005, 12:09 PM   #12
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Re: My Brother

Thank you Arememom

My Mom actually got out and walked today. I was so happy to hear she got out and got some exersise like the old Mom from before this started.

I hope she continues to take are of herself, and I hope my parents take care of each other, they have been married for 38 years and I think this is ONE of the worst things they have gone through with there kids yet. They have been enjoying life and BAM my brother is home and they feel like its chaos. I dont know, I am not there to see it all, but I wish they would just find some peace. It could be MUCH worse than what it is...
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Old 10-17-2005, 07:54 PM   #13
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Re: My Brother

Quote:
Originally Posted by jojotigerlily
Well, my brothers girlfriend has been in a rehab since last Thursday. She has been clean for about 2 weeks. She is staying in a sober house and they come pick her up for counseling and sessions. My brother is still obsessed with helping her, as of right now things are OK. EXCEPT my Mom and Dad, they are having a hard time dealing with it. My Mom is worse than my Dad. My Mom is devastated. She will never except this girl even if she does get clean, NEVER! And my brother just recently moved back home due to finances so my parents see his every waking issue. I understand its hard for them, my Mom tells me I dont understand because I dont live with them. I told my mom that her and my father need to get some counseling. I tell her, if your going to let him live at home for now, then you need to get yourself some help to learn how to deal with things. Any other advice?
The only other thing I can offer is when she starts sharing her concerns, to ask her boldly but lovingly "what are you going to do about it?". This allows two things, it puts her into the solution instead of the problem mode and it also will allow her to realize she may need to get some outside expert advice.

Good luck.

 
Old 10-28-2005, 11:43 AM   #14
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Re: My Brother

#3 10-28-2005, 02:40 PM
jojotigerlily
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Re: My brother

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Its been awhile since I posted. My brother is still living home, he stays in his room most of the time, comes out to eat. He works but he is in his room when he is home besides dinner time or outside smoking a cig. My mom is STILL having a hard time, My dad too. This past month I have only been to my parents house twice. I am supposed to go tomorrow, I havent seen them in TWO weeks. I really dont even want to go there tomorrow. Is that normal? Things are not normal there. My husband is NO WHERE near ready to go there. I can understand, it hurts but I have to understand.
IF I dont go tomorrow I know my mom will lay her guilt trips on me. She said today that I should be there for my brother more. I call him EVERY day a few times, some times he calls me back sometimes he doesnt. WHAT MORE COULD I DO? I live 40 minutes away and sometimes on the weekends I am busy. My mom said this is a time when family comes together. Well, I am doing all I can. I dont know what else I could do. She made me very upset today. Saying that she knows I call him but I need to try harder. I have a husband at home that needs me too, he has his own things going on. HELP ME PLEASE. I know this ALL stems from drugs...My brother is an addict and his girlfriend in rehab is, just in case some of you dont know the siutation thats posted in this thread.
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Old 10-29-2005, 01:44 AM   #15
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Re: My Brother

Hey jojotigerlilly,

Sorry to hear that things aren't really much different or better. Sounds like your parents house is depressing to you. And I understand why. I wish there was something I could say that could make you not feel guilty. You absolutely must take care of yourself. And you are also absolutely right about needing to be there for your husband and what he's going through. Sounds like brother is really depressed. I have pretty much cut off almost all contact with my sister and one son. They have their own issues dealing with my being an addict. I love them and tell them so, but I must focus on my recovery. I can't and won't be around or talk to such negative people. I have encouraged them to seek help through counseling or Alanon. But they choose not to do anything. Hopefully somewhere down the road both our families will get better. But if I let negative people keep me upset it will put my recovery in jeopardy. And that's NOT gonna happen. I hope you have a good weekend and hope to see you post again soon.

 
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