My husband is addicted to marijuana and even though he is aware of it, he refuses to stop or seek help. He says he does not want to stop. It is ruining our marriage and the lives of our children. But since he smokes pot he just doesnt care about any of us. He pays no attention to us and says he has very little feelings for us. He is just so disconnected, depressed, and wont face reality and uses marijuana as an escape from the pain of every day life. He even had an affair with some woman that was getting him high so that she would keep getting it for him because his connection had dried up. We have our own business and he is risking losing it if he ever gets caught because he gets high there most of the time. He doesnt care that he is risking his future...our future and our childrens future. All he cares about is his pot! He says he needs it just to get through the day.
He smokes on average 3-5 joints a day and has been for about the last 6 years. He started using when he was about 16 and is now 40. He started when his parents started having problems.
Anyway, if he does not stop or get help I am out of here. Is there anything I can do? What is the best way to approach the situation?
alrightt, first off, WEED is not addicting at all, its all in your HEAD that makes you think your addicted, i smoked weed all the time non-stop, like 4 bowls in morning, lunch, on way home from work, after dinner, before bed, for a long time also, and then i got caught and just stopped right away, without any problems at all, no craving or anyything, just a little hard to sleep b/c of not being stoned... but its not physically addicting like OXYCONTIN.. which i am addicted to now... physical addicting is something you actually NEED, otherwise youll be in widthdrawll, but weed, you think you need it, but really you dont... once you stop smoking and it gets outta your system more, your head clears up and you relize it. with pills, youll do anything to get them just to keep up your habit, LIE, STEAL, ect... i never done that once to get weed, only now have i ever stole money to go buy oxycontin..
you do have a few widthdrawls from smoking weed all the time, but nothing close to other drugs.... trouble sleeping... Depression, Anxiety, moody, and really BORED!
I disagree, it is addicting. I am tired of hearing that it's not addictive, thats just bull! Even if it is not considered physically addicting it is emotionally and mentally addicting, just like porn/sex, and workaholism. Just because physical withdrawl is not present does not mean that one is not addicted. But newer studies have proven that prolonged use does cause mild withdrawl symtems, but not a severe as other drugs. And if you have an addictive personality, well then, you are easily addicted to many things. And being admited to rehab due to marijuna addiction has continued to rise and is becoming more recognized and is being treated more and more. Yes, it si not as bad as some drugs, but any drug addiction is bad regardless. Making it "less" bad means nothing!
You tell my kids that pot is harmless because it it's all in their daddy's head! You tell them that ! On christmas day their dad risked their lives to get to his harmless pot. He wanted to smoke at a relatives house and it was raining so he could go for a walk. So he comes in the house tells us its time to go. He does 80 miles an hour to get home, in the rain, and runs a red light! We could have been killed had the person at the light not saw us. And as soon as we got home and the kids went inside, he was on the porch lighting up! So you tell me, is it really not that bad?
I agree-it's addicting. My husband smoked pot on our homeymoon.
I was just out of college, and thought "no biggie". He had terrible
mood swings. Now, I realize that those were times he was in W/D.
He's the type, however, that blamed me for everything that put him in a bad mood. The house wasn't clean, etc - but I know now that he was just
lashing out till his next bong. . Our biggest fights were occasions
when he couldn't get a hold of his dealer - and he W/D again.
He would risk carrying stuff on flights, smoke where our kids
kept wondereing "why is daddy always in the attic?". And" what
is that funny smell daddy always has?"
I know that I am responsible for myself, however, I am convinced that
part of my trouble with pain meds came as a result of never knowing
what kind of mood my husband was in. I took meds to "check out".
That was after I spent years trying to "fix" whatever he was going
off about ( clean better, cook better, ..). Whenever I did one thing
he had yelled about, he found something new to diss.
Looking back, I should have left - fast, and faster after my 1st child.
He actually has quit now( after 23 years), and seems to be doing OK..
But, he can still be difficult to live with. It's like it's too late now - I made
my bed..Don't know if this helps, but you are not alone! Lizzie
Yes, I too am tired of this nonsense about weed not being addictive. It's one of the most insidious drugs there are. It works and worms its way into every aspect of your life. Tell the career potheads that it's not addictive.
Of course, they will talk about how they've held down so-and-so job for years and years so how can it be addictive? It robs you of your motivation and ambition. In short, your dreams. I feel like I could write a book about it but I won't.
I feel blessed to be in a place where not only it's very hard to find, but so cold outside I can't even be bothered to try.
I bet when your husband was lighting up on the porch, he didn't even feel a high. Just a tremendous relief from obscuring the lucidity that comes with withdrawal from weed. After a time, you smoke just to feel normal, just to tolerate the pain of knowing what you and your life has become. It's truly an evil substance. At least the harder drugs take a person down fast so he/she can recover and try to get well. With weed, you can actually be addicted to it for years and not realize the damage because it just becomes a part of the scenery.
You may have wanted at one time to do so-and-so, this and that. Eventually, all of it can be dispensed of, why bother when ya got a bag of some nice weed, why even bother to try and engender the good feelings that come with achievement and success when you can get it just by lighting up.
And you know what else? He didnt even care that he risked our lives! The kids were terrified. I had to calm them down and tell them everything was alright while their daddy drove like a maniac because he had to get home to gt high. Well, it wasnt alright and it's not ever going to be alright! I have to tell them daddy is too busy to be with you EVER because he has to go off and get high...you dont matter, only his pot matters. I dont matter either...no one and nothing matters cause he is numb...permanently stoned. Even when he is here he sint here! He doesnt care about anyone or anything and has no dreams. And since he has no dreams he wants to make sure none of us do either. But yes dear, everything is alright now that daddy has his weed to make him feel better.
I want to run and hide! I am ashamed that this is my childrens reality and my husband doesnt see it...my husband doest care! I am ashamed that I am allowing this to happen. That I dot have enough balls to walk out that door, to do the right thing by them. Lord know my husband will never do the right thing. He doenst love me, he loves his pot and his pizzeria, I am there for looks. Having a wife and kids makes him "look" normal. I am being used..I am an object that fills a needs, nothing more.
Where the is my self worth, my self respect?
I'm soo sorry, you sound soo distressed. I can somewhat relate to your situation, my ex was a pothead too...among other things. It's a horrible feeling to have someone in our life who is never 'there', their bodies are, but their minds are off in places we can't imagine. My ex actually decided he didnt want to have an apartment with nice things...free of cockroaches, a car, a job...or a future...all he wanted was to be able to get high and not feel bad about it. I wish there was something I could say, but im afraid there isnt. I do know that you need to do what is best for you and your children, whatever the case may be.
As for pot NOT being addictive...that is a crazy notion. It is a mind altering drug, of course its addictive. And it may not be as harsh as some drugs, but the negative effects it has on a persons mental state is very real. Your ambitions, your dreams, everything takes a back seat to being high...that is no way to live life. Weed is a crutch, just like any other addiction...its a temporary fix for problems people dont want to deal with..and sometimes, the fix becomes our livlihoods...and its all downhill from there.
Take care pizzalady...i wish you all the best
Thank you for your kind words and understanding. I can tell that you have "been there" where I am right now. I am seeking help from a counselor for my codependency. My first appointment is tomorrow. I can no longer take the mental and emotional abuse of living with an addict...someone who is there but not as you say. I need to make some good choices for me and the kids and I am very distressed. I love my H, but my kids need me to be there for them, especially since he isnt.
I started experimenting with pot near the end of high school. I found it to be fun and uplifting. After entering college my intake increased rapidly and I too became "addicted" for the first two years. I somehow managed to get good grades but I have to say I really don't remember much of those years (they say pot effects your memory. This is probably true to some extent.).
When I made a choice to quit, it wasn't difficult physically at all. But it was difficult emotionally because my world was centered around it. Most my friends, as it turned out, were my friends only because we smoked together, the same way drinkers, dopers, athletes, nerds, etc, stick together. Looking back, I realized that, at that time, I was using pot as a crutch, my way of softening my insecurities/fears about being away from home and on my own.
The change came when I decided to be strong and move forward with my life. I had bigger goals and wanted to get serious about them.
I have smoked occasionally since then and still occasionally smoke now (25 years later). I enjoy it's effects and feel they are definitely less harmful to myself and those around me than alcohol would be, especially behind the wheel of a car. Like everything, the key is in moderation.
I have been-there-done-that, and I have seen the effects it has on other smokers. From this I can assuredly state that the negative effects felt by a person are not by the pot but by the individual. Marijuana can be an uplifting, happy, positive, creative, inspirational tool. It can also be a euphoric escape. That depends on who is smoking and why.
You will not like hearing this from me, and I suspect that deep inside you know it to be true, but your husband's troubles are not pot. They are psychological. Pot is the way he escapes from them, masks them, or makes them easier to accept. To blame them on pot is fooling yourself (you yourself said that pot was a crutch he uses to escape the pressures of life, Pizzalady, then went on to blame it on the pot again instead of addressing the root cause which is emotional or psyhcological). What your husband needs is therapy to find out what is troubling him, what he's afraid of, what he's hiding from, or why he feels the need to escape. I will not speculate on what he's escaping from...maybe it's deep insecurity, maybe it's an inability to cope with pressure, maybe it's an inability to communicate with you or others, etc. With some of you I suspect that it may be relationship problems. Again I am only guessing and trying to help (that's what this forum is about).
I'm not an expert in psychological problems but I am an expert in marijuana. As such I VERY HIGHLY recommend you get your husband to a therapist, a marriage councelor, or both. And, even more importantly, you MUST work with him together on this issue with equality, compassion, patience, reassurance, acceptence and love, then be prepared for any revelations/changes that happen as a result. Without these, all the help in the world is worthless.
Yeah, having a wife and kids to maintain a normal outward appearance is something i understand very well. My "father" is a hateful (edited) who never paid any mind to his wife or kids, but just figured he had no choice but to have such things in his life as that is what society expects, and who would go see a middle-aged doctor who's single and has no kids (that's his diseased thinking)
For me, personally, I am not remotely interested in marriage or kids and I never will be. But to my credit, i don't want to wreck other lives over it.
Last edited by AddictionMod; 01-11-2006 at 02:50 PM.
Reason: This board is for those who are trying to quit drugs and alcohol. Do not discuss current use of drugs.
hey hunny, i hope you are having a better day. i just read the response from 'tsoup' and i must say im a little confused about it. lol. i agree that we shouldnt blame pot entirely for our counterparts behaviours...but at the same time i disagree that is has nothing to do with it. mind altering substances are just that...mind altering, they cause us to think and do things that we wouldnt normally think or do. pot offers people an altered reality, it replaces our realities with a non fictional book inside of our heads, if that makes any sense. and it is very hard to live with someone who would rather enjoy their 'book' so to speak, then live their lives with us.
to tsoup, i ask this...when a stoned reality becomes better than a real one...what is to blame?? if a person would rather get stoned then enjoy their life with their family..what is to blame..the drug, or the person themselves??
and to pizzalady, be strong and think of yourself...we all know he is
I feel you are both correct. My H was messed up long before I met him and I didnt know it. He started using pot when he was around 16. It was recreational use, experimenting with friends like many other teens. But he also knew back then that it was a euphoric escape from his dysfunctional family life at home with his parents.
When we got married and eventually got our own business he started using more becuase he said he had a hard time coping with the long days. At that point he smoked only after his day was done (once a day). But then he started smoking more and more after he had a car accident about 6 years ago. I dont know why he started smoking more...pain maybe, or escape, I have no idea since he doesnt communicate his feelings anymore. He now smokes on average about 5 times a day, so he is pretty much permanently stoned 24/7. Only when he became addicted was when it started to affect the relationship. Prior to that maybe things were not always perfect but the realtionship was good and we were solid as a family. The pot addiction really changed all that. He started staying longer and longer at the pizzeria after closing to get high, and relax, and have a few beers. He started coming home later and later, never wanting to talk about anything...just wanted to eat and go to bed. No more intimacy, no more serious conversations, none of the things that really bonds a couple together. No time alone to go out, no time for the children, he was pushing us all away. But the thing about living in a altered reality is you dont know what you feel anymore and have no way to espress it. He even got to the point where he said he felt nothing for no one, not for me and not for the kids. He felt more connected to the customers than he was to his family. And that is when he had an affair. The woman was a customer and she supplied him with as he says "killer weed". He was lured by the drugs! He couldnt resist them. And maybe even at that point they were doing more than just pot (And sex), maybe harder drugs were involved. I dont know. But when he finally got out of the affair and he said we could work this out, I thought we had a chance. But with him still smoking pot and not willing to face reality, we dont stand much of a chance. If he is still using pot to mask his feelings the feelings cannot be addressed, therapy will do no good to get to the root of the problem as long as he is in a drug-enduced fantasyland. What he feels in that state is not real, it is perceived. He needs to get off pot in order to find the reason why he needs it. But if he could deal with those feelings he would probably not have started smoking it in the first place...therefore it is like a catch 22.
You smoke more to feel less, the you need more pot to feel less, the more you do the more you feel you need it. How do you stop? It is a viscous cycle. Thank you for your input everyone. I really do appreciate it.
How do you stop? A good question. Some people hit bottom and are forced to stop by the law, finances, loss of freedom like jail, or some serious health problem.
A lot of people never do, though. it's the type of thing where after a time you need it to feel normal.
i haven't smoked in two weeks. that's the longest i've gone in eight months without smoking. went to the slum to try and score some today and was unable to. i really am lucky to be in a place where i am just unable to get any. i hope and pray i will be unable to until i finally get some sense in me. not bloody likely, though, as i have been waiting for that sense for about fifteen years now to no avail.
verytired...im sorry...but waiting for sense is going to be a long wait. good decisions dont find us...we make them. you have to find it within yourself, if you wait for good sense to find you, you will be waiting forever.
pizzalady, he has to want to stop or he wont. bottom line. unfortunatly it is his call and not yours. you can decide to stay with him, or to leave, but you cannot choose his lifestyle for him. i do wish you the best of luck