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Old 01-17-2007, 11:56 AM   #1
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Unhappy My boyfriend is an addict and trying to stay clean but can't stay clean

My boyfriend I have been together for 7 years. When we started dating in our early 20's, we partied all the time. Using drugs and drinking heavily. As a couple years pasted I decided I didn't want to use anymore but when it came around I'd give in and same for him. I made the decision to leave him after 5 years and seperate. We tried to work on us after I left but things just wouldn't work. After about a year of being seperate my boyfriend made the decision to get clean and a month later I called him and wanted to work things out. He stays clean for a month or so and then relaps. If he's not using drugs, he's drinking. I'm lost and don't know what to do. He's such a great man and I feel helpless. I moved to North Carolina from Ohio for a job, 9 hours away from him and I worry more and more. He doesn't understand why he keeps failing over and over. Can anyone help me save the love of my life. He doesn't know what to do and either do I. Sometimes love just doesn't seem like enough. Help!!!

 
Old 01-17-2007, 07:49 PM   #2
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Re: My boyfriend is an addict and trying to stay clean but can't stay clean

I am sorry to hear about this, Colie.
I know how love alone doesnt always help a person. I used to think my father didnt love me because he would never get off the speed, but then when I hit my own addictions, I realized that in fact he didnt love himself!
I think it would be best to see a therapist and go to NA meetings for the victims. I am not sure what the name of it is.

I remember what its like to love someone who doesnt love themselves, but now I am on the other end and having to do something about it.
God Bless you for loving him anyways!

Last edited by amithyst; 01-17-2007 at 07:49 PM.

 
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Old 01-18-2007, 12:14 PM   #3
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Re: My boyfriend is an addict and trying to stay clean but can't stay clean

Are you addicted to drugs or are you with someone who is?

 
Old 01-18-2007, 04:30 PM   #4
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Re: My boyfriend is an addict and trying to stay clean but can't stay clean

I have noticed that you have said nothing about going to AA, seeing a therapist or going to detox?

Is he trying to do this on his own? Is he going to meetings for a while then stopping the meetings then drinking?

Is he resentful of AA or doesn't want to have anything to do with those drunks?

How bad does he want to stay sober? More than he wants to drink?

Has he seen any therapists?


 
Old 01-18-2007, 04:49 PM   #5
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Re: My boyfriend is an addict and trying to stay clean but can't stay clean

He's trying everything cold turkey. No help, no theropists. I've offered to go to meeting with him but he said he can beat it on his own. I moved to North Carolina 3 months ago for a new job and he's there alone. All his friends use and his family is tired of him falling over and over again. If he's not using, he's drinking heavily. Last week he went through over 4 cases of beer. I need some guidance to pass onto him.

 
Old 01-18-2007, 05:43 PM   #6
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Re: My boyfriend is an addict and trying to stay clean but can't stay clean

I wish I had some magic words for you. This board is proof that it can be done. Addiction is hard it sucks you back in over and over. Its until you can fend off the cravings and not use that you will not replase. I have relapsed cause I told myself I can control my addiction YEAH RIGHT! He needs to be strong and fight the urge find something to bz his mind til the craving passes. Either pick up the phone and call you. Try to get him to figure out what his triggers are and maybe he can avoid them. Other than that theres nothing more you can do. He will relapse until he is truley done. Thats the bad part of this disease it will control you until you decide to control it.

 
Old 01-18-2007, 06:06 PM   #7
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Re: My boyfriend is an addict and trying to stay clean but can't stay clean

Thanks for the tips. I just don't understand why it was so easy for me to walk away from the lifestyle. He feels and says the sames things I said before I quit. I feel so helpless... I'm more in love him today than I was seven years ago. I don't know...I just don't know

 
Old 01-19-2007, 06:03 AM   #8
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Re: My boyfriend is an addict and trying to stay clean but can't stay clean

Hey colie, Addiction is a funny thing. Not HaHa funny .... funny by not being able to put an actual face on it. Being in recovery for awhile (April will make 6yrs.) I can say funny because I've seen it work for some, and others, does nothing. The following is only my point of view of the way addiction affected me, and what I've Come to Beleive.

The answer to why you and not him is, your BF hasn't hit his bottom and you have. Some people lose everything the have before "getting it". Whether his bottom will include "jails, institutions, or death is totally up to him. As much as you try, and it sounds bad or hardcore but you can't fix him ........ YOU have to save YOU. We addicts are master-manipulators, we're liars and horse theives. We will do or say anything to stay the course.

I ran the streets for next to 30 yrs and after (I guess) hitting my "bottom" gave up my playgrounds, playmates, and playthings, I say "I guess" because I KNOW I can never say "I'll never use again" addiction is that strong. While I was getting healthy, returning to school and getting an education, getting the relationships within my family that I had squandered .......... I beleive Addiction has just been sitting back waiting ....... doing push-ups, running, and sit-ups to make IT stronger so whenever I give it even one smidgen of a chance it'll be back. I KNOW it will. As many addicts that have gone before me will testify when and if you relapse, addiction hits you harder and stronger than ever before. You go back to the same place (using-wise) that you were before taking your hiatus. You smoke just as hard, you run just as hard and you drink just as hard.

Contrary to popular belief, It doesn't matter what kind of dope you do or don't do. Addicton constantly changes shape and size, it doesn't care if you're rich or poor, it will take you sraight from smoking crack to sex addiction. From using a credit-card to overeating and from the penthouse to the outhouse. Addiction for me was a direct manifestation of crap that was deep inside my being.

Through 12 step meetings, I had to come to believe that all the things I relinquished during my downward spiral usage, had to be brought back. The simple things, I learned growing up had to be relearned such as: You don't lie, cheat or steal. I prefer to call them spirituality

It sounds sad, and it will be extremely hard, but you have to save yourself. You just aren't in the same place as the he is. He has to come to the realization that this is bag of chips. He has to carry it, by himself .... and in the meantime, you also need to come to the realization that what you had could very well, and more times than not .... be gone.

You have to stop being an enabler ........... Save yourself.

-peace
Boris

Last edited by Boris58; 01-19-2007 at 06:07 AM. Reason: misspelling errors

 
Old 01-19-2007, 04:18 PM   #9
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Re: My boyfriend is an addict and trying to stay clean but can't stay clean

The odds of someone successfully recovering from drug addiction and alcoholism is small enough with a 12 step program.

The odds lower tremendously when a person tries using their Church or only self-help books to sober up.

Then if a person is using a big fat nothing, no group, no therapist, no Church or self-help books then that person has almost NO chance of successfully becoming clean.

Using "NO HELP" is usually just another bottom level for the addict to reach their final bottom. It is just another way to prolong the evil truth that they need help.

To avoid 12 step meetings I have heard all sorts of excuses. My favorite one is, "There is a waiting list, honey!"

Last edited by Dantheinsane; 01-19-2007 at 04:23 PM. Reason: Improvement

 
Old 01-19-2007, 05:09 PM   #10
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Re: My boyfriend is an addict and trying to stay clean but can't stay clean

Boris- WOW. That touched me and deep and I really felt that inside. I told my BF about this website last night and he's really interested but he doesn't have internet access. I'm going to read him your response tonight when I talk to him. Do you think that's a good idea. He said he wished he could talk with people who were going through the same thing so maybe it would be in his best interest to get internet access. Talking with someone like you I think would give him hope, not a cure, Hope.. Thank you so much and you should be very proud of yourself, you have accomplish what some would consider the impossible. Best of luck to you in your continued recovery.

 
Old 01-20-2007, 08:30 AM   #11
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Re: My boyfriend is an addict and trying to stay clean but can't stay clean

Dear colie,

In 1990, when my brother passed away, I overheard my parents saying that it was my fault and I carried that guilt around for years.

Since I saw him stabbed and eventually was the one to identify him in the "crimson pool" I literally distanced myself from my family members.

As I was vulnerable at the time, I allowed myself to gravitate towards unsavory individuals, who eventually introduced me to "the miserable world of drugs."

I carried the guilt and as I did, I brought drugs along with it.............on and off; off and on.

I went to the rehab clinics (inpatient and outpatient) on my own and I learned a lot but never really listened, for to listen would mean that I would have allowed it to stick, which it didn't.

I touched upon the subject of the onset of my drug addiction and links to my brothers death with a cousin and he told me that I should share this with my father, since my mother passed in 2002.

I spoke with my father and explained the entire situation and it is then that he realized that there was nothing I could do.

As we spoke, it was brought to my attention that they were not blaming me at all; they were upset that I didn't stand and fight with him.

This all boiled down to a failure to communicate.

They respected my distance and we never talked about his death.

When I found this out and explained the entire incident, a weight was lifted, metaphorically speaking.

It helped me tremendously.

I am not debating the effects of NA, CA or Rational Recovery but I do believe if a person remembered the point they were (mentally) in life when they were first using, it may be helpful.

This is my take on things as I share my experience with all. In no way, shape or form is it my intention to belittle what works for certain individuals, for we are all different, like the snowflakes in winter.

Take care all
God Bless all
FTM

 
Old 01-20-2007, 09:46 AM   #12
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Re: My boyfriend is an addict and trying to stay clean but can't stay clean

My deepest sympathy goes to you. You've had so many losses and still you have survived and continue to live. You should be very proud of yourself. I barely know you and I am very proud of you. You've honestly touched me. My BF, Dave, started using when he was 16, when his dad passed away. They say that when someone near to you dies there are two paths at which you can take. The one that obviously starts off to be the easiest..the path of drugs to run and hide and not deal with the emotional greave. The other path is to grieve, cry and cope, and the ultimate goal to move on.. I know Dave has regrets and has said he so used to running he doesn't know what else to do. He's been running from his feelings and emotions for over 12 years. He doesn't talk about the regreats that he has but I know his father and him didn't talk for many years and than re-kindled thier relationship for about 6 months before he died. They didn't talk for 4 years because his father broke up their family and cheated on his mom and was with another women. This new women became Daves's dads new focus, not his children. I'm sure theirs more to the story but I'm sure that all had a huge play in to his addictions today. Do you think he needs someone to talk to? Other than the people close to him? I do but he thinks he doesn't need it, not to mention he says he can't afford to go the doctors, that it's hard enough trying to afford "our" mortage. Considering I moved to NC and he is doing it all on his own I'm sure we can add that one to the list of issues he has to cope with ( I can blame for that one).Thank you again for sharing your personnal thoughts with me. I look forward to the Dave is in your shoes..

 
Old 01-20-2007, 10:21 AM   #13
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Re: My boyfriend is an addict and trying to stay clean but can't stay clean

Quote:
Originally Posted by colie View Post
My deepest sympathy goes to you. You've had so many losses and still you have survived and continue to live. You should be very proud of yourself. I barely know you and I am very proud of you. You've honestly touched me. My BF, Dave, started using when he was 16, when his dad passed away. They say that when someone near to you dies there are two paths at which you can take. The one that obviously starts off to be the easiest..the path of drugs to run and hide and not deal with the emotional greave. The other path is to grieve, cry and cope, and the ultimate goal to move on.. I know Dave has regrets and has said he so used to running he doesn't know what else to do. He's been running from his feelings and emotions for over 12 years. He doesn't talk about the regreats that he has but I know his father and him didn't talk for many years and than re-kindled thier relationship for about 6 months before he died. They didn't talk for 4 years because his father broke up their family and cheated on his mom and was with another women. This new women became Daves's dads new focus, not his children. I'm sure theirs more to the story but I'm sure that all had a huge play in to his addictions today. Do you think he needs someone to talk to? Other than the people close to him? I do but he thinks he doesn't need it, not to mention he says he can't afford to go the doctors, that it's hard enough trying to afford "our" mortage. Considering I moved to NC and he is doing it all on his own I'm sure we can add that one to the list of issues he has to cope with ( I can blame for that one).Thank you again for sharing your personnal thoughts with me. I look forward to the Dave is in your shoes..
Dear colie,
I believe that there is one other path that a person can go through; pure denial and supressing it as well as one could within one's consciousness; until it imbeds in their subconscious, locked away.

Alright, Dave began when his brother passed away; this definitely needs to be explored. It could quite possibly be that he didn't have a chance to express his frustrations verbally before his passing.

It seems that he has some displaced anger still and could be related to his mother still being around and being able to still see the hurt iinside her.

When you are 16, you can yell, shout and scream but are still under your parent's rule. There are simply some things that will be out of your conrol, no matter how you feel.

Family does not tend to really understand addiction and it's psychology.They may be around him but I wonder if they are enabling him.

He can also send you a letter with questions and you can post them here.

I am a male and being a "man" is not about the machismo, it's about knowing yourself well enough to realize that "once one's life is spinning out of control, that the need to seek some type of assistance is necessary, in order to improve one's quality of life."

Post anytime.

Take care all
God Bless all
FTM

 
Old 01-20-2007, 01:19 PM   #14
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Re: My boyfriend is an addict and trying to stay clean but can't stay clean

Since your bf Dave has been drinking even when he has not been using street drugs, he has never been clean. Alcohol is a drug. The GOOD part about that is that he can't say he has failed because he has never tried.

For most people, including me, 12-Step programs work the best. People who try to stay off just one drug while using another (including alcohol, or prescription drugs such as valium or methadone, subutex, etc.), usually end up just as bad as ever in the long run.

I would recommend getting him into rehab., then 12-Step meetings, but only if he is willing. While they say that only about 1/4 or 1/3 of people in 12-Step programs make it clean and sober for any length of time, my own personal statistics are:

0% of those who do not want it, will make it.

100% of those who want it, CAN make it.

 
Old 01-20-2007, 01:49 PM   #15
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Re: My boyfriend is an addict and trying to stay clean but can't stay clean

I guess "hitting rock bottom" is a belief that's here to stay. My daughter's BF you would assume has hit rock bottom many times; made no difference. Twenty one years on and off IV coke/heroin, jail time, prison time,
waking up in far away places not knowing how he got there or where he was and it made no difference. What does he own at 45? Lots of nice clothes and SS jewelry (many from women) and a car. Maybe that's what the average 45 yr old man owns; I don't know. I used to think they owned a house. I guess I was wrong, looking back over my daughter's boyfriends and 2 husbands.
On a brighter side, she has never sounded happier. But, unlike 99% of the posts on the Addiction Board, there is a CHILD involved here. Rarely do we hear a child mentioned for some reason. This eight yr old boy is so beloved by everyone I cannot stress it enough. My daughter appears or says she loves him but.....he isn't living with them. She sort of "loans" him to her sister who has two other children. This started when she met the man in question.
My grandson seems to have settled into the idea that he'll spend Spring Break with them and possibly summer vacation. She claims it's because "I love him sooo much and don't want him in gangs" but that's exactly what she said in their previous town--that there were young gangs. Her sister, his aunt, is providing many things he has Never had: 3 meals a day, clothes that always fit him, regular dental care, a strong father figure, a spotless house, karate lessons, counseling, a huge (his only)birthday party in April.
I could go on and on. I am glad to know that few addicts have kids they worry about and neglect. Seems that's the case reading this msg board.
__________________
Susan Gene

 
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