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Old 08-03-2007, 08:46 AM   #1
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Son is quitting but..........

I hope there is some recovering meth addict out there who can offer me advice.

My son has used pot/cocaine for nearly 15 years. The last few have been crystal meth. I don't have to tell you what a mess his life is in. No job, back child support, warrants for arrest, raging outbursts, other family members avoid him at all costs. He's always had a girl friend picking up the slack and taking care of his business.

3 weeks ago he said he was done with it. He needed help and had to stop!

He went into detox and chose an outpatient program. Made one meeting and decided it wasn't for him. Now, he proclaims he's been clean for 3 weeks.

He looks good (eyes clear) and talks a good talk. But........

He has raging outbursts just like when using meth. They aren't as often, but he still has them. I've seen a daughter and hubby work through recovery and go through overwhelming remorse at all the people they've harmed.

My son has shown none of this. He called me yesterday to let me know he'd been 3 weeks clean, and after a calm, nice talk. I said, "How are you feeling? Do you feel like you might need meetings or some help." He promptly hung up on me.

I'm still walking on egg shells when I talk to him. Half afriad he might show up at my door.

My question is......Without a recovery program, wouldn't he be getting better just being off the drug for 3 weeks? Or, does recovery not happen simply from abstinence but he must work a program?

He looks better, but that's all. I haven't seen a single symptom that he is doing better or doing anything to take care of himself.

I feel guilty because I think this is all a con, but that's what I think.

Am I crazy!

Sad_Mom4

 
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Old 08-03-2007, 08:58 AM   #2
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Re: Son is quitting but..........

Quote:
Originally Posted by sad_mom4 View Post
I hope there is some recovering meth addict out there who can offer me advice.

My son has used pot/cocaine for nearly 15 years. The last few have been crystal meth. I don't have to tell you what a mess his life is in. No job, back child support, warrants for arrest, raging outbursts, other family members avoid him at all costs. He's always had a girl friend picking up the slack and taking care of his business.

3 weeks ago he said he was done with it. He needed help and had to stop!

He went into detox and chose an outpatient program. Made one meeting and decided it wasn't for him. Now, he proclaims he's been clean for 3 weeks.

He looks good (eyes clear) and talks a good talk. But........

He has raging outbursts just like when using meth. They aren't as often, but he still has them. I've seen a daughter and hubby work through recovery and go through overwhelming remorse at all the people they've harmed.

My son has shown none of this. He called me yesterday to let me know he'd been 3 weeks clean, and after a calm, nice talk. I said, "How are you feeling? Do you feel like you might need meetings or some help." He promptly hung up on me.

I'm still walking on egg shells when I talk to him. Half afriad he might show up at my door.

My question is......Without a recovery program, wouldn't he be getting better just being off the drug for 3 weeks? Or, does recovery not happen simply from abstinence but he must work a program?

He looks better, but that's all. I haven't seen a single symptom that he is doing better or doing anything to take care of himself.

I feel guilty because I think this is all a con, but that's what I think.

Am I crazy!

Sad_Mom4
You're not crazy.

People who quit drugs (meth, coke, alcohol whatever) without trying to change their behavior aside from getting high have this problem a lot. There really isn't anything you can do about it, aside from pointing it out when your son is behaving badly. You shouldn't be a doormat for him.

A lot of people don't respond to AA/NA type programs. That doesn't mean there is nothing for him. There are other groups - Rational Recovery is one. One on One counseling with a psychiatrist/psychologist could help too. The problem is, he needs to want that.

Some people when they stop taking drugs think that is enough - everyone should be grateful they quit. Unfortunately, if you take the booze out of a drunken horse thief, you still have a horse thief. I'd suggest alanon for you - it will help you base your satisfaction on things within your control. Whether your son's behavior changes is not within that category.
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Old 08-03-2007, 09:07 AM   #3
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Re: Son is quitting but..........

I'm so sorry to hear about the circumstances with your son. I am a recovering heroin addict. I was sober until March when I abused my pain pills for 10 days but i am now back on the road to recovery.
your son is experiencing a "dry drunk". without some sort of help for his emotional issues and the underlying causes of his addictions he will have a long road ahead of him. Drug addiction is a symptom of an underlying problem. Why do we take drugs to "not feel" and "not deal". most of us never even knew that's what we were doing. i never believed that i was taking drugs to numb my feelings. i honestly believed i took drugs because they made me feel good !!! i chose aa to help me. by working the steps i was able to forgive myself and to come to terms with many issues i had in my past. i am by no means completely free of all my problems, but i can deal with my life and the people in my life responsibly and with a measure of maturity now. i couldnt do that for such a long long time. our emotional maturity ceases to grow when we begin to abuse drugs. we've got a lot of growing up to do when we get sober.
aa or na isnt for everyone. but there are many other means to help someone in recovery. phychology, addiction specialist, phychiatry.
if he doesnt deal with his issues he will use again. i am not saying this to be cruel. i honestly am just trying to help. i pray for his recovery and i wish you well.
i hope you can encourage him to see someone and get help. it will mean a world of difference for him... i promise....

take care. please keep us posted.

michelle

p.s mario's suggestion of al-anon or nar-anon: please go. it will help

Last edited by oh-notagain; 08-03-2007 at 09:10 AM.

 
Old 08-03-2007, 09:20 AM   #4
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Re: Son is quitting but..........

I appreciate your posts so much!

I've been totally confused with this one. I've seen hubby have dry drunks and "stinking thinking." I kept thinking this may be the same.

My daughter never went to meetings or any sort of rehab but was still over-whelmed with everyone she'd harmed. She called me on a daily basis to apologize for things I didn't even remember. This was several years ago.

Hubby was pretty much the same with only a few days sober, overwhelmed with grief over past behavior.

So my son's behavior was such a surprise. In fact, I had warned him that he might have those deep feelings of remorse when he entered detox. He said, No, he hadn't done that much. I was totally surprised. The fact that he was a meth user speaks for itself. He's hurt many many family members and others.

It is good to know that he could be clean and still showing the same behavior. I just assumed he was using and "conning."

It gives me a better idea about boundaries for myself.

Thank you so much!

 
Old 08-03-2007, 05:01 PM   #5
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Re: Son is quitting but..........

Hello there Sad Mom,

My name is Chrissy and I am a recovering addict. My drug of choice was Methamphetamines. I used Meth mostly and other drugs for 20 years.

I was introduced to 12 step programs in 2000 and managed to stay clean and sober for almost 4 years.

The desire to use like other people who could put it down when ever they wanted became stronger than that to stay sober and I relapsed. Thank God for only 60 days. In that 60 days I was close to death. I will celebrate 3 years of recovery in September of this year.

All my life I had a temper and struggled with "reaction angry violent" Behavior.
I was always in jail for beating people up and yelling and acting out in public places.

Many people here have already said great things I i support what they have said. Especially the Al-Anon meetings or Nar-Anon meetings for your family.

The one thing that I want to express from my own personal experience is that untill I fully accepted my problem I could not enter into the solution and begin to change the old ways of thinking or lack there of, and the attitudes and behaviors.

I went to 12 step groups the first time and in the end I decided I did not need them. I have found that for myself I was not going to be able to stay clean and sober untill I went back and had a complete overhauling of the above mentioned things...thinking or lack of...attitudes...behaviors.

In no way am I saying that your son HAS To do 12 step meetings. Only sharing my experience.

When I came back to the 12 step groups I decided that I was going to surrender to the disease and really honestly work hard to change the things I did not like about myself. I did this through the 12 steps with a sponsor.
The one thing I have always disliked about myself is my temper. I have done so much work and no longer act out the way I did in the past.
This is not something that Happened OVER-Night or in a few weeks. It is and always will be a work in progress. I am much much better than I used to be.

Your son is going through a lot of stuff and like others in here have said..you do not have to be a doormat!!!!!
It is very important to take care of yourself at this time. I personally can understand how the trust has been broken and how skeptical you are.
For sure proceed with caution. Please go to the Al and Nar-Anon meetings. They are there just for you.
It is very hard to have healthy boundries in these kinds of situations. Even harder to practice them. The key word here is PRACTICE.

I have harmed my family and those around me in so many ways just as your son has. It took some time before they would trust me and then I had to go back and get honest and tell them I had relapsed and needed to go back to treatment. They supported that although they were very skeptical of wether I was lying to them. They live a few hours from me, so it was easy to lie to them because they could not physically see the way I looked. Not proud of that!!

After much work on my self I can tell you that I have the best relationship ever with my family. It far out weighs what I ever had imagined.

Please keep yourself safe and take care of you.
One thing that I really believe.... is this ....my mom prayed for me for many many years and I am not sure if you are spiritual in any way but just keep praying for your son.

Keep us updated....Sending and angel your way..
Chrissy

Last edited by skych; 08-03-2007 at 05:07 PM.

 
Old 08-03-2007, 07:36 PM   #6
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Re: Son is quitting but..........

Chrissy,

Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I have much admiration for you, relapsing and picking yourself up to work the steps again. I know it's hard work, from watching my own daughter. I'm so glad you had the determination to see your problem, accept it and change your life.

You have given me much introspection into my son's feelings and fears. I appreciate that. It's so odd, he was the sweetest child, never a problem. It broke my heart to watch him rage and push everyone away as his drug use escalated. I think after awhile, I'm just worn out from walking on egg shells and measuring every single word before I say it for fear that I'll say the wrong thing and set him off again.

You have enlightened me that he could very well be sober, but not yet back to his old self (or a new better self.)

I do pray often that he will see the reality of his situation and reach out for help. I agree, whether therapy, 12 steps, whatever works is fine. I just hope that if he isn't using, and his thoughts get clearer, he will realize that he needs some help. There is more to recovery than Not Using.

I guess, I thought if he wasn't using -- every thing would be suddenly clear to him. Realistically, there's no way that could happen, especially after so many years of neglecting responsibilities and blaming others for every issue in his life.

But, you have given me new hope. It can be done. I pray that he will begin to see his problem, attitude, behaviors........and want more for himself.

I'm praying! Setting boundaries....and crossing my fingers.

Thank you Chrissy,

sad_mom4

 
Old 08-04-2007, 06:48 AM   #7
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Re: Son is quitting but..........

Good Morning Sad MOm,

Thanks to you to!!! I get so much out of reading and corresponding with people.

There are many people on this board that come from both sides of addiction and probably more than you will ever know......your story has helped me too.

I also will be saying a prayer for you and your Family!!!

It is all about HOPE today.

Thanks and hang in there and let us know how things are going for you>
Chrissy

 
Old 08-04-2007, 07:45 AM   #8
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Re: Son is quitting but..........

Hello Mom

I have been following this thread a bit and thought I might add something to it if I may.

When any of us , for whatever reason, comes off opiates or benzos (like valium, Xanax, etc), there is a period of true depresion that follows. It has to do with the brain restoring itself to a natural balance and producing its own natural chemicals that help keep us balanced.

Depression itself is another whole issue to be reckoned with and is a huge cause of relapse for many of us. It is so important for us to understand the whole proces of detox and recovery. Understanding it is what can be the difference between success and failure. I am refering too true depression... not just the blahs we all feel at times in our lives.

Men and women react differently in depression. Both feel an overwhelming sadness, but display in different ways. Women tend to cry more and sit aimlessly. Men, on the other hand, tend to get angry and gruff and lash out. It is not a hard and fast rule, but a general observation.. not just by me, but by the medical community. Maybe it has something to do with how we are wired, I don't really know why, just that it does seem to be true.

A huge study was done a few years ago concerning men in abusive relationships where the spouse was either abused physically or emotionally. The men in the study were put on an antidepressant. After a few weeks, the majority of them had stopped displaying the abusive actions! The conclusion drawn is by the administrators of the study was that many abusive men suffer from depression and that depression was the largest underlying cause of the abuse they dished out. I actually happened to see a documentary on this very same study after reading about it. This one guy really stands out. Videotaping was done in the actual home and showed the interaction between the guy and his wife. As the weeks progressed, he physically changed in his body language. The tension and aggressive body language actually could be seen easing up and his general tone of voice changed from constantly gruff to more normal. His actual language changed and the words he used were less aggressive all around. No more "you did this" or "you did that" in a fingerpointing tone of voice. Just more normal conversation between a man and his wife.

Depression and drug use are so intertwined. It is often the underlying cause that leads to abusing drugs or liquor. It can stem from chemical inbalance or from life experiences that have not been resolved. It can be from a combination of the two sources. It is often the pathway into using and is always part of the pathway as we detox and strive for recovery.

Depression in no way has to be the obstacle that keeps us from real recovery and a restored life of happiness. It is treatable. It is vital that it is treated. It does not mean that an antidepressant must be used, but it may be if needed. It does mean that the person must find a way to rid himself of depression. And as with addiction, the first step is recognizing and acknowleding it.

We can not cure another's depression any more than we can cure another;s addiction. What we can do is learn about it and be supportive within boundaries.

So, that is what I wanted to add. I wish your family well. It is a long road for all involved in the addict's life.

Good wishes
reach

 
Old 08-04-2007, 08:24 AM   #9
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Re: Son is quitting but..........

Reach,

What a great observation. I wish I had seen that program on depression. I definitely do believe it plays a part in his attitude and behaviors, going back many many years.

We've just been totally baffled. Both my daughter and hubby, when off drugs were totally wiped out, weeping, solitary, over-whelmed with grief from their past bad behavior. This is what kept us thinking that he was still using. He never reacted in that way.

Yet, when we saw him, his eyes were clear, his facial expressions changed and it seems obvious that he isn't using. He could sit for hours and carry on a normal conversation, yet explode over some trivial thing, or hang up on me if he perceived a reaction he did not expect. We were just baffled.

But, he has had problems with depression ever since his abuse began more than 15 years ago.

I'm so glad you replied. I had no idea that everyone reacts differently to being clean. I had only seen two people get clean, and thought all reacted the same.

This information is invaluable to me. Thank you so much!

Mom

 
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