Well, for all who remember me, son is 22 and taking the xanax AGAIN. a couple weeks ago we noticed he was acting strange and husband took a drug test for him to take. He wouldn't take it. So, my husband told him to get out. Our rule in the house is, drug free occupants............and he knows that. but chooses to not abide. He's on probation and had a meeting this morning. He got someone's urine to use. put it in a condom and taped it to himself. He is supposed to go for weekly drug tests, but hasn't gone at all this month. I tried to call the probation office after he left to tell them to check him for the condom. No one answered, too busy I guess. I think the only way he's gonna see the light is if he gets caught and fails a drug test and the judge court orders him to rehab.
My husband is in Houston with his mom getting cancer treatment. My son pulls this everytime he leaves. i am not going to let my husband know until he gets home because all he would do is worry...and he's got enough to worry about right now. After using xanax, my son gets very aggitated, maybe when coming off it. I've been through him ranting and raving and cussing me and hitting doors 3 times before. I explained to him if he ever pulled that again while his dad was gone, I would just call the police and that's what I'll do this time.
i may just call the probation office tomorrow and get in touch with someone, maybe call the judge and talk with him about what's going on. This judge is very strict with probationers and if he finds out what he's doing, it won't be the outcome my son wants. he thinks he can get by with whatever he wants. Sometimes I think he's bi-polar.....the drugs are killing his brain as well as his relationship with this family. I am now to the point I don't care what happens to him if he choses drugs. I am done and have been for a long time. any suggestions people??
Sigh. I am so very sorry that this struggle is renewed in your family. You are a very put together woman in a very jumbled mess. I think calling Probation and talking to them is wise. If it is not too late, maybe call them now about the fake urine sample and let him get caught in the act. Even if it is too late for that, by letting Probation know the situation, a surprise sampling can be ordered tomorrow.
Flintrock, a parent's suffering with a kid's behaviour is so very painful. I just want you to know that I think you are a wonderful mom. You have stood your ground in a lot of adversity here. There is a promise in the Bible that I do believe in solidly and have had to stand on myself as a mom. "Lead your child in the way he should go. he may stray from the path, but will come back to it." As you continue to stand firm in your parenting, your son is getting the message. I hope the day comes soon that he is able to really absorb and put into consistent practice the ways you have shown him. because you stya consistent, then he can see that it is possible. His rants and raves are not acceptable for sure, but to me, I see them as a sign more of rage against himself for his bad decisions even though he is aiming them at you. HE has got to find the way to cope with his issues in life, all of them, and you and Hubby are being the force that pushes him in this direction. Like Newton's Law... for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. I hope the day comes soon that he starts pushing with you instead of against you. Until that day comes, you are a great mom, a great parent.
oh flint, i feel your pain,,my son is 21 and been thru a rehab, his drug of choice was any kind of opiates but he was abusing benzos tooo. does your son have a sponsor and go to n.a meetings? you know im constanly reading how addiction is a disease,i get it...but dont you think they have to be responsible to help their disease?
he was going to N/A and the judge even ordered it. they will see today that he hasn't been. he has to get a sheet signed when he goes. he was supposed to go to 20 meetings this month, he went to 2....if he really went. We can't believe anything he says. My husband bought a used truck for him to use to get to work, meetings and probation. he's been abusing that too. Says he's going one place and when we check the mileage, it's way too many miles for the place he should have been. So, today, i take the keys and will take him to work tomorrow. had to do that before because his license was suspended. Now he has a permit to go only to certain places...he's abusing that and doesn't care that if he gets stopped, the car will be towed at our expense, not his...........so, his non-caring attitude gives me the non-caring attitude. I also have a 16 yr old who sees what his brother is and has been doing. it breaks his heart because he is more responsible at 16 than the 22 yr old. Youngest son wouldn't touch drugs for anything. He sees the results. thank God for that.
He will have to wake up one day, and I'm not sure i will let him stay here for that to come. he will not be allowed to take anything else from this family. We'll see what happens today at probation, if he went. I tried to call them but no answer. they have the meetings with the judge there, maybe the judge will decide to lock him up and court order rehab...if not, he still has to go if he's using. And the sad part is, he has nowhere to go. he's lost his girlfriend and any decent friend he had. Very sad for him. but I can't change that, he can...........thanks for all your support, I come here for that. and always hear what I need to.........thanks everyone!!!!
Flint, you are right you cant change that..he has to take responsibility for his actions..i have been there, checking mileage, checking cell phones and shutting off his service..there is an underlying cause of his problem..just like with my son..nobody WANTS to live their lives like that..at least i dont think so,but maybe im the niave one here.
Flint, this board is great but at times like this you need live support, I hope your life is filled with them.
I don't know if this what happens to you but recently I realized my sons only support system is me. No wonder why he fails. No other relative or friend helps him or watches over him. I hope your son has a big support network and not just you.
Now, my support system is social services. A tough system to crack but once you are in, you are in. They provide him housing, food, money, transportation, all day intensive o/p (for his bp and addiction), meds and drs. When social services doesn't have him I pick him up to keep him busy. Once this is all over, he will move out of this state again.
I would call probation if I were you, only you can make that decision but you may be saving him in the long run. You have to ask yourself when is it the begining of the end? When I called the cops on my son, I decided to force the begining of the end. What a learning process and I have regretted that decision in the begining many times but thankful now. He has been in and out of psych wards and jail and I have been brutally honest with everyone, no more excuses or covering his behavior. Right now he is the best he has ever been, is he out of the woods yet, no, but he has a good shot.
This time I am trying to save his life, period, and hope it works. Because what I did and what he did over the past few years didn't work. No more rose colored glasses. Or false hopes for the future. What have you decided to do with your son? Hope this helps, I am in a rush today. Big hugs, flint!! cram315
Hey Cram...I was hoping you'd post. I think my son is also bi-polar. He just told me an hour ago, that some days he feels good and some days, like today, he gets up to go to work and he hates the world, he hates himself and could care less what happens. he said, I think I need to go to the doctor. I said, you need to go see a psychologist or psychiatrist, someone to talk to that is not in the middle of all this. He has no one really to help him but me and his dad. He resents me some days because I watch over him like a mother hen. and he knows I am watching him. I do that for me, not just him. he went to probation yesterday and although he hasn't been to any drug tests this month, should have had 4 already, they just said you need to adjust your work schedule and get in here. Nothing said about not attending his n/a meetings....it's a joke. I am glad now that I didn't call them yesterday and get them to lock him up. i think right now he needs help, badly. He said he would call my therapists office today and make an appointment. he has insurance so there's no reason he shouldn't go. I told him he'd be amazed at how much he feels better just after talking to someone. I think the psychiatrist will evaluate him and maybe some meds are needed. i think he is so unhappy and depressed, and maybe bi-polar, and that's a bad combination without help.
I told him also that I believe those xanax make him feel this way. I have seen it before with him. they are a very dangerous drug and I think they are damaging his mind and body more than he realizes.
I will keep you posted, Cram, and I appreciate your input. We've been through it all haven't we?
flint, absolutely xanax can make him feel depressed. my son was diagnosed by 1 doc as bipolar. than another as just depression and anxiety.. some days hes good some days hes very down on himself..depending on circumstances. to be honest with you court ordered n.a. meetings are not a great thing..i think that if you go it should be because you want to go. not forced to go! thats the thing with addiction, we cant help them with that..it has to come from them...yes i agree he needs help, all the help you can possibly give him..my son is on antidepressants and topamax (for moods) he sees an addiction therapist. and an addiction pdoc. I also have to tell you that bipolar symptons mimic drug abuse symptoms and vice versa.. its a total nightmare..he cant be helped for any of the mental problems until he stays off drugs..the meds dont work well with illegal drug use. it makes a huge mess out of things. believe me i am a mother hen too.. i quit my job so i can keep my eyes on my son ..i was worried for his life..
Jules, I can relate with everything you're saying. I don't like the court ordered NA either. He started going to NA before he was court ordered. Now that he's court ordered, he doesn't want to go. It's like if you tell him to do something, he won't. if he thinks of it on his own, it's a different story, even if it's the same thing you told him to do. Strange. He has a real problem with authority. he relates very well with my husband, except when he's using. My husband has recently gotten in his face and threatened to kick his ?(*&*....and then told him to get his clothes and get out. he's never done that before. he left for a little while and came back later that day and apologized. he has NO WHERE to go if we kick him out and he knows it. I truly believe he wants to better himself, but he just doesn't know how. He wants to do it HIS way instead of letting us help. and that's OK if it works. I am going to talk with him again tonight when he gets off work, and see if he will call for some help.
unfortunately i think he is on his own for this one. nothing you can do can really help him. he has to help himself and he won't do that until he is ready. all you can do is offer your support when he wants to get clean.
flint, they sound like they could be twins..my son has a horrible problem with authority too. and that could lead to trouble and scares me to death...he also only gets along with my husband when he stays out of his buisness. when he was in the rehab, his therapist told me that alot of the younger opiod addicts have problems with authority. i know your son went thru a period of being clean..for how long? my son is almost 6 mths clean and does go to meetings and is trying. he had 2 seizures coming off drugs so that scared the heck outta him. but, im always waiting and looking and i want that to stop..but i cant. he uses the word bored alot and thats not a good thing. i really dont think i will get any trust back with him and he knows it. hes working and staying clean but he doesnt look so happy to me..
Again, Jules, I can relate. My son has no friends....real friends anyway. He has cut all the ties to the drug head people he used to hang out with. he now has one person he hangs out with. My son used to go to church with me every week. Our church is full of the kids he went to high school with and there's a lot going on for the youth there. I want him to start going again so that he can start to change things in his life and thinking. He needs some positive input from everywhere around him. So does your son. He really has no life, except work. he needs to find and do something he enjoys. he loves to box, I tried to get him to sign up at the community center to start doing just that and he thought that was a good idea...but hasn't done it. I know my son can get through this and I won't give up on him. but I will make him responsible for his actions while he lives under my roof. there's no changing that. The last poster said he has to want to do it himself. I know that...believe me I know that. This has been an off and on thing for us for 6 years.......I know what has to happen and whose choice it is.....but you can't just abandon someone who has no one....I can't do that unless he decides he doesn't want to be drug free. I have been to counseling myself and I know what I have to do and I do it. I just came here to some input because that helps me...and Jules I appreciate you so much!! My son has been clean for 5 months...untill 3 weeks ago, he slipped...but he has to get some help, counseling or something cause he can't do it alone..........thanks again!!!!
flint, i have to tell you they sound so alike..my son has cut all ties with drug friends and really only has a couple left..and they are going back to college this week. my son would have been going into his 4th year but he doesnt want to go back. this is killing us.. he does go to n.a meetings ,but they are mostly older people and he really cant relate to alot of them..they were users 20 yrs ago stories like that. he too needs to find a niche somewhere.
You have to fix what ever it is that made him fail again. If you think it is bipolar or anxiety or depression he will never be free of wanting the calming feeling that xanax gives him or he thinks xanax gives him.
Find a psychiatrist through recommendations. They are the only ones who can assess him and monitor his medications.
Relapsing is hard on them and us. Flint becareful, as I understand it when they relapse they pick up where they left off and their bodies aren't used to it, he could od.
We are their safety net but are we hurting them or harming them? My son held me hostage for years with the fear in my mind that he had no where to go. He has rented rooms and now he is being housed by social services. There are options. And if he has a mental illness, there are many options.
I have walked in your shoes, I am walking in your shoes, I will walk again in your shoes. You are me and I am you. But one day we will be sitting on a porch, watching our sons as fathers playing with their children and this will be a distant memory. cram315
I am not going to pretend I understand the whole situation that you moms are living in everyday because I have not had to live in it everyday. Two of my adult children screwed around with pot and drinking as yopung people in high school and college and that was a nightmarish time for me.
My dealings with young people involved heavily and steadily with drugs has been more as the 'third party." Sadly, in my work in the high school, this was an issue over and over again. Alcoholism as well as big time, steady drug use. I have talked with families about these issues, but not having any professional skills, my job was to guide the to community resources.
What I observed and recognized over and over was that these young people hd so boxed themselves into a corner. Because I am not a certified teacher, but a paraprofessional, I had lots more time to just talk with the kids about personal stuff when it was appropriate... sometimes even after school hours by phone or even at my house. ( remember.. these are teens up to twenty years old I am talking about and not youngsters). So often these kids talked about how alienated they felt from their parents and siblings because of the things they were doing. In those corners they had backed themselves into, the came out fighting and spitting for lack of being able to cope in any other way from that position. They could not find a balance or a comdfortable spot in the family unit again. They understood the lack of trust and actually usually accepted it as something they had caused. They understood why the parents felt it and that it would be a long road to ever regain it. That never seemed to be the issue for them. The issue seemed more always to be that they didn't feel a welcome part of their families anymore. They didn't know how to find their way back into the fold.
So how do we regain any sense of family fold again when so much hurt and harm has transpired? I can only share some of the things I have tried in trying times in my own parenting. After a bitter time of arguments and fighting with my own kids, I would sometimes have to create a situation that coukld bring about a bit of lightnes to the situation.. an opportunity to connect again outside of the problems. Like I might start off telling the kid to come out and help me wash the car. We would start off not talking to each other usually. Then I would turn the hose on the kid or throw the bubbles at him ( and her). Even if it irritated them, I would keep it up until they retaliated. Then I would laugh and get a slop party happen. Laughter could happen then. Oh, it does not in anyway solve the bigger issues, but it allows the kid the opportunity to be a part of the family again, to feel a part of the family. Sometimes I would ask them to help me cook something and use the opportunity to deal with them in a lighetr way than the confrontations about drugs or whatever they were currently involved in that was harmful. Open the door to a more noral relationship and pray to God that it could be the start of solving bad situations.
So just my thoughts here. I guess what I understand is that sometimes our kids put us into such a state of worry and upset that it can be hard to remember how to unite again as a family. And sometimes that time away from each other is needed for healing. But sometimes, we have to create situations to try and make the healing begin, you know? 20, 22... these are still pretty young people who can often feel so lost in life and not figureout a direction. Having the disapproval of parents, even when warranted, is a hard spot to get out from under.
Sigh.. we really did sign up for life when we had these kids, huh? I don't know if this will be a consolation or an aggravation to you but my kids are now 28, 31 and 35... and I am still very much parenting. Chuckles.
Sleep well, Moms.. tomorrow is another chance
And you are sooo right. I do the same things with my son. He does feel aprt from the rest. He has always had low self esteem and he still does. I am going to make sure he gets the help he needs mentally..........i know that's the right thing to do!!