kimmisofla

Newbie here I have lost faith.....I am at the end of the road with my husband of 15 years. I have a long story, one that begins from child hood. Both of my parents were addicted to opiates. My father was a manic depressant. At his time the only medication that they gave for manics was Lithium, which he was allergic too. To make a long story short he substituted drug after drug until he finally took his own life when I was 10 years old. Then there was my mother, the innocent beautiful perfect women who was absued by my manic father. He basically turned her into an addict as well. She OD when I was 24. Now there is my husband of 15 years...we were married when I was 18 and he was 19. We had a great marriage, we were eachother's best friend. We did everything together from partying and playing. He always had some type of vice but I never paid them any mind. When we first got together he was a pothead, then he got hooked on opiates. He has been battling his addiction for over seven years. I never thought it was a problem....I just couldn't accept that he had a problem. About 4yrs ago, our world changed forever! He went on a drug rampage for four days, he did everything from cocaine to meth, I could not find him....i called everyone I knew looking for him...i finally got him on the phone and he was livid...i could not talk to him he was going to kill himself...i felt it in my bones.....when he came home he shot off his gun and kept threatening to kill himself. At that point he was eating Zanax by the mouthful and they still weren't doing anything for him. A few weeks later after this episode after he was curled up in a ball on the bed shaking b/c nothing was working...i decided that he had to go to rehab. He went to rehab for 21 days, where he continued the outpatient program for a month thereafter. When he left rehab the doctors put him on all kinds of other antidepressants, I don't even remember anymore. He started to feel better over the next few years. In 2005 we had a little girl. We decided to together that it was time we had been togetehr for 13 years. When we started trying to get pregnant, we found out that his testosterone levels were on the floor (he abused steroids as a teenager). In order to get preganant he had to go on an extensive hormone therapy, in which he experienced mood swings from one extreme to another. We finally got pregnant and he had been clean of opiates since he got out of rehab. I thought this is the life that I have always wanted. A great husband a beautiful child, our house on the water, our own business ect.....I thought to myself I did i broke the cycle of my parents...but it was all an illusion. Six months after our daughter was born i caught takeing percs....i felt so disgusted he promised that he would get help...he did he went on suboxone which he took up unitl about three months ago. We discussed that he is still not happy, that the only bit of happiness that he had was when he was on the percs. I thougt if it is going to make him happy and he going to function then I was fine with it. It has been all down hill from there the cycle had returned. He was speedballing all day, eating handfuls of percs, taking sleeping meds at night to sleep, drinking coffee eating diet pills, testosterone....he was a mess...again i am there to pick up the slack, run the business by myself, take care of my daughter, take car of the house cook, clean, take care of the finances....EVERYTHING! About four weeks ago, he decided to wean off of the meds by himself...He weaned off them but once he got off them, a violent side off him appeared, one that I never seen, one that i had enough fear to take is gun away from him. i spoke to a friend of our's who is also a Sergeant, he told me that I should not be concerned with him at this point, my concern should for me and my daughters safety...he is a ticking time bomb waiitng to go off. I never looked at this siutation as I did at that moment when my friend told me I should be concenred with mine and my daughters life. I thougt my husband...No ..NEVER....My biggest fear was him killing himself...everyday i live in fear that he will take his life. This time i saw rage in him that would take out everything in his path...he was looking for a fight...he would drive his truck like a madman...looking to start somehting with someone. He took a bat to his truck after the transmission blew...the next day i called his brother and told him to come over that I was scared that he was going to do it. He laid in bed with his earphones on listening to Staind...listening to "Nutshell" and "Sober"...Usually I could get through to him but this time I couldnt...I couldnt break through....we had a pastor come to the house to speak to him...to bless our home...to bless our family...nothing worked! He would come in out of his misery...then his mother mentioned that his uncles from S America (who are doctors) would help him, they they would detox him...help him find himself...the next day he flew to S America. He has been there for three weeks now and is sober....but that angry enraged man is still there. When I speak to him, he is very angry and he verbally abusive. Very commanding in which he has never been like this. He will tell you himself he has been a "doormat" most of his life. I don't know what to do...I never thought that I could be be one of those "Codependant"I can't let go. I dont want to give up on him. I still feel if I let go he will die and I dont know if I can live with that. I see myslef alone as a single Mom and it scares me....i dont want my daughter to go through what I went through. I NEED HELP!!! I don't know what to do...he is already manipulting his uncles and me. He is not respecting their home and he doesn't seem like he wants to try, eventhough it was his first step to detox and fly to S America. I am so scared!