I need some advice.
I have a 16 yrs old daughter. I know she was doing drugs in the old town we lived in she told back then "she did marijuana a couple times" I believed her sort of. I have been talking to her quite a bit. She is pretty honest with me about telling me things, If she tells me stuff I dont usually punish her for it cus she is telling me, an i try to help her as much as I can and try talking some sense into her.
We moved to the new town a couple months ago. My DH and I suspected she was doing drugs, when I asked her, she said "I only did once but when I lived in the old town I did it almost every day". One day while we are talking she tells me "I like doing marijuana, I going to keep doing them and there is nothing you can do to stop me!" Ok so now I'm worried.
I felt as though she is challanging me. So I say "well I can put you in rehab" she says "I'll run away" I say "I can put you in some sort of class you know like AA but for drugs" she says "go head, I'll go, but I WONT STOP I like it and there is NOTHING you can do to stop me". OK so I like a good challange sometimes, so I think about it (I know she wants drives ed badly) the next day we went to the store and I asked the woman at the pharmacy if they had any drug tests, the woman said "no". My daughter asked "what do you need with drug tests for?" I told her "that I going to start doing random drug tests and if she fails that I will take drivers ed away, if you are in drivers ed I will remove you from drivers ed class, if you have a permit I will take it away, if you have a drivers liciense I will take it away and turn it into the state and you wont get it til your 18, I can not in good conscious allow you to get behind the wheel of a how many ton vehicle and be on the road while on drugs and kill someone or yourself". She says "well you cant test me yet cus i just did it 2 weeks ago" I said "ok well Ill test you in 2 weeks" she says" you have to wait a month, that I know of it take a month to get out of my system and i just did it a couple days ago". I said "fine Ill give it a chance to get out of her system". I did just put this rule down and i want to give her a fair shot at stopping so she could have drivers ed. Ok so I thought this would help right?
Well the month time frame to get out of her system passed and a couple more weeks later was yesterday. She came home I said " do you have to go to the bathroom" she said "no". So I kept her with me til she was ready to pee. I gave her the cup and I said " you dont like privacy when you pee do you?" I stood in the door way of the bathrrom and watched to make sure she did what I wanted. She gave me the cup and I took the test and I said " I don't want to hear the test is wrong" while I was doing the test. Test is done and she failed!!
Ok so driver ed will be takin way.
What do I do to stop this behavior? Talking isn't working, take what she wants away isn't working. What do I do? My health insurance doesnt cover for inpatiant rehab, we do not have the money to put her into rehab. I have 2 younger boys here. She told my 10 almost 11 yrs son last night, that mom drug tested her and got grounded for doing drugs. That might be an incentive for him not to do drugs, but at the same time I dont think he should know about it either.
She talks to school counselor, she sees a pyschitrist, she is taking cymbalta for depression (it runs in my family), I dont think its a good idea that she is taking cybalta and doing marijuana.
Please I need advice and ideas of what to do to stop this.
Thank you in advance for any help you can give me.
It's awful, isn't it? You can see what they are doing to themselves and you just want to shake them.
Maybe you would like to show her my post history. My son has now been diagnosed with SZ after spending four months in a mental hospital. He is 22.
He took various drugs but mainly smoked MJ and this, according to his docs, was the culprit. He had a sever psychotic episode and thought he was posessed by the devil among other things. I doubt he will ever be right again, this happened in Feb of this year and he is not able to work or live on his own.
40% of MJ users will have at least one psychotic episode, a high percentage of those that do, will keep having them, even when they stop. If she could have listened to how scared he was, I am sure she would never touch it again.
You are right to punish her...perhaps ground her for a certain amount of time every time the test is positive, take away all priveladges for a couple of weeks at a time...was it only MJ the test showed positive for?
well, alot of us have been there with our kids..when my son was 2o he went into a rehab willingly. but he was also into drugs other than pot. shes young and im sorry to tell you this but im sure most of her friends are smoking pot too. not that , thats makes it right..it doesnt.. she cant smoke and drive a car so keep taking away her privlidges. cell phone next. thats the only advice i can give and also keep testing but not just for pot..buy the test that tests for other drugs too. they are expensive tho. keep on top of it and dont look the other way, like alot of other parents do. and also let her pdoc know. my son is 7 mths clean of drugs now and we still do random tests.
Yes pot is all she tested positive for. I order 25 test online they are a 5 panel test it tests for marijuana, cocaine, amphetemine, methamphetamine and morphine/opiates.
I did talk to her pysch doc he said "I have to tell her it's either depression meds or marijuana she cant have both and that i have to take her to see him at our normal vist and he'll will talk to her and try and stress the point to her. That she is like an alcoholicand wont get help til she is ready, so basically you are just going to have to deal with it til she is ready to get help."
I'm not just going to deal with it and let her do her thing, I need to do something. I called her school counselor today she gave me a place here in town that might be able to help, I have to wait to get hold of the woman there til later this afternoon or Monday.
Yes I know her other friends are doing drugs too, she even met a drug dealer here in town, I banned contact with him, I dont know how far that will go though.
That I know of there is no bipolar. I have dealt with severe manic depression since I was a kid. I have always tried to keep a close eye on my kids to make sure to get them help if they needed it, which is something my parents refused for me (treatment).
I told my daughter last night the next test you fail you will not get off that easy as you did this time.
The reason I asked about the BP after you had mentioned her being treated for depression is that so many kids who are later diagnosed with BP start out using marijuana in an attempt to cope with the symptoms of their "dis-ease." Some of the other posters who responded to you hang out on the bipolar board as we have all been through this.
My son smoked pot all through high school in an attempt to get some control over his life. His pdoc in college refused to treat him unless he quit all street drugs. For awhile he elected to keep on with the drugs, but that didn't work out too well and he is now clean and sober and on presciption medications that keep him stable and mentally balanced.
Pot is so common these days and it is so much worse than it was in our day.
As Xant has said, it is fairly common for it to contribute to psychosis. But how you get a 16 year old kid to understand the dangers is the million dollar question.
I hope others will chime in with more suggestions for you. You have my sympathy -- it is really hard to get through to some kids and I don't have the answer.
That I know of there is no bipolar. I have dealt with severe manic depression since I was a kid. I have always tried to keep a close eye on my kids to make sure to get them help if they needed it, which is something my parents refused for me (treatment)
Bren....hi I am sorry that you are going through this. I have been there myself with my 16 year old daughter...she started out being treated for depression and things only worsened, she started with the pot and became quite irritable and as Toshl shared with you, it turned out that she has Bipolar and was on the wrong med. An anitdepressant will actually trigger more defiant and impulsive behavior called hypo(mania) in somebody who is Bipolar so you may want to keep an eye on that with your daughter.
You say that you have "dealt with severe manic-depression" since you were a kid. I am not sure if you are aware of it but manic-depression IS another name for Bipolar so they are actually the same disorder. I thought that I should tell you this because if you are manic-depressive chances are that your daughter could genetically predisposed to it.
I think that you are handling things well and keep up with the drug testing.....it will get the point through that so long as she lives in your house she is to be drug-free.
Good luck to you ~ Goody
Last edited by goody2shuz; 09-21-2007 at 01:20 PM.
I may be extreme to some, but when I discovered my daughter hanging out behind the local strip mall smoking pot with her friends, I explained to her, that I had always trusted her to make the right choices, when she was away from home, out with her friends and obviously she had proven me wrong, so since she had violated my trust, I explained to her that I could no longer trust her to be out of my sight, no longer trust her to make good choices without me, so therefore she would spend the next two weeks NEXT to me.
She immediately balked and told me she would run away, I told her then, that if she managed to slip away and do that, that I would eventually find her and in the mean time, I would contact the family's of each of her friends and explain the situation and inform them that if they took her in, I would have them arrested and prosecuted for harboring an underage runaway, which is illegal in the state I live in.
I also informed her, I would be drug testing her daily and if she failed one test, I would drive her myself, to the local sheriffs office and have them test her and arrest her on the spot and send her to juvenile detention, if I had to go before the judge myself and ask for NO REHAB.
She was 16, she was a child, I was responsible for her and was not in any way shape or form, going to tolerate drug use, when she was 18 she was free to do as she pleased, but as long as she was my responsibility, I had a responsibility TO HER, to make sure she did not do drugs.
For two weeks she stayed by my side, literally right next to me, she ate next to me, she slept next to me, I went to school with her and sat right next to her in every class, she sat in the bathroom when I showered and I did the same when she showered, for 2 solid weeks she never left my sight for a single minute.
After two weeks, I told her she would now have to EARN back my trust, she was allowed to go to school without me, but after school she had to either be with me or her grandpa or sister when she went anywhere, other than school it was almost 3 months before I allowed her out alone again.
And I thank god everyday that it worked, to the best of my knowledge and I did randomly drug test her until her 18th birthday, she never did it again....
So many parents seem hell bent on being their child's friend, afraid that their "baby" wont love them....I don't have the time or the desire to try and be best friends with a 16 year old, they are more than capable of making their own friends, but I do make sure I KNOW where my kids are, who they are with and what they are doing at all times, I stay active in their lives and they know I am there if they need me.
wow, merely that is some great story and im right there with you. I had alot of issues with my 21 yr old son using drugs, depression,anxiety,anger,rage etc... I always said i can deal with any mental illness but i would not tolerate drugs in my home. believe me its not easy to see him depressed and full of anxiety, im sure if i put my head in the sand he might not have stopped his drug use. he knew he was using to numb himself, thats not the case with everybody tho. I think you are a great mom and your daughter is a great kid because of you.
Against her will I took my daughter to a Treatment program where they take them into the mountains and they have to learn to survive...with counselors that talk with them as they do there daily hiking and whatever and learn about themselves. On the last night they had to set up their own camp site and spend the night by themselves.(of course someone isn't far away) She was 15 at the time. She stayed in the program a month and when she came home it was like a new person! She stayed clean and sober for ....well she is 30 now with 5 children of her own and home schools all of them while they travel around the world with the military(husband is an officer). I have never been more proud of her than I was when she returned from that 'torture'. She had gained self respect and confidence and was so excited to tell us all about it. She had made such a turn around and was such a joy to be around.
I put her in the treatment program as soon as I found out she was doing drugs...she didn't get a second chance and I wasn't going to deal with empty promises. Meanwhile, while she was in the mountains one parent(me) had to spend a week in-house with 8 hours a day classes to learn all about our little darlings and how to deal with them and we were given all the tools to continue their recovery...we stayed at the facility...it wasn't a fancy place just a place that worked. It was such a good program. If you can't get your daughter into a locked facility where she can't run then YOU get the book Tough Love and follow it's advice. Good luck to you! Doesn't matter if it is drugs or alcohol...they are both a drug.
You know kids are going to experiment with drugs and alcohol no matter what you say. Humans are naturally curious and that's just how it is. Marijuana really isn't so bad either way. At least she isn't doing the harder drugs that can really mess up your life.
I have always required that she tells me where she is going, if she changes location and who she is with. When she brings her friends by and she has to if she wants to go out with friends. She hate this cus she says " I hate when you interrogate me friends", when they come in, I ask for full name, address, home phone, cell phone (if they drive) license plate number, age of car and type of car they drive. I keep all this information in a book and lock it up, so if anything happens I have ppl to call to look for her. I check my cell phone bill every month for her phone and she has to account for every number on the cell bill, if she says "I dont know who's number it is" I say "well call it and find out and you know the infomation you need to get for me!" So as you can see I dont let her run wild I try very hard to keep up on whats going on in her life.
i have checked into those treatment programs where they take them out in the wilderness, but they are very expensive and we can not afford that unfortunately.
I got hold of the school counselor yesterday and she gave me a number for Young Service Bureau for the county we live in. I called them yesterday and they have a substance abuse counselor that she has an appointment for this up coming Thursday. They also have a program that goes for 16 weeks that helps them learn to identify the thinking errors and tactics used to avoid accountability, as well as teach them the responsible replacement thinking that is necessary to change behavior. As soon as that program starts up she is already signed up. She will have to go to this program and counselor or she will not be able to go out with friends or use the phone!
I can not sit back and allow her to destroy herself or her life. Yes I know kids will experiment but she has gone past experimenting, experimenting is a couple times not a regular basis and not to where she thinks her body needs it.
A friend of mines mom has 2 younger kids which i have know since they where in kindergarden/1st grade, they are now 17 and 18 yrs. 1 of them has dropped out of school as a sophmore, the other dropped out as a freshmen in high school and both are on drugs, its started this MJ and has turned into heavier drugs niether are in school. Their mom knew what they where doing and figured they would stop and turned her head.
Well I can not allow this. I have 2 younger children myself and there will be to dropping out of school and no drugs. This is my house and these are my rules. I want the best for my kids and I want them to have what I didn't have. I want them to know I love them and that I want them to have a great happy life. I have been a stay at home mom for 16 yrs so that we knew that they were raised the way we wanted and do what we thought was best for them. Finanial it benn tight but its been worth it.
Please dont get me wrong my daughter is a good kid. Sometimes I just dont know what to do, that is why Im here asking advice and opinions. I will figure out something to get things back on track, I unfortunately did not find much online or talk to ppl in person so I figured I could get more advice and opinions this way.
I very much appreciate all of your advice and opinions please keep them coming.
bren, you have every reason to to be concerned because most times pot smoking leads to harder drugs..and it is incredible what these kids can buy out there. stay on top of her, her money and her phone ..try to nip this before it gets out of control.
Hang in there and don't stop fighting, this is YOUR child, if it means going to the ultimate extremes like I did, it's so well worth it, my daughter was the oldest of 4 kids, not only did it make an impression on her, but her sister and brothers too, they now know just how far I will go, to see that they grow up happy and healthy.
I tell my kids all the time, "it is YOUR job to DREAM and it is MY job to get you there"...
I'm here for you honey
Hi Bren. I have 2 children.....7 & 4. Obviously I have yet to go through them being offered drugs. I do think about the messages I send to them now and believe they strongly affect their decisions later. 1st of all I try not to be too controlling. I don't know if it works b/c I came from a controlling mom/grandma, and it's a learned behavior for me. But I do desperately want to them to respect me and feel that I'm there (in their hearts) at all times. I don't want them to resent me or to be their enemy at all, which is what I feel controlling their lives would eventually do when they're teens and trying to be unique individuals. I've observed parents of grown children and the most successful kids had parents who were open in communication. The kids could talk openly about any subject no matter how uncomfortable--but the parents didn't seem uncomfortable Which was odd to me b/c I was made to feel that I couldn't even mention certain things, therefore having to supress my feelings sometimes. They seem to give their kids room to live and kind of respect their teenage feelings. I don't see how I can ask my kids to respect my wishes if I can't show them the same respect. If it embarrasses them to have their mom drill their friends(and I know, it can!) then maybe find a more subtile way to get that info. My mom did the getting the phone # thing and always having to know where I was, etc. She was very strict in her disciplining(sp?), but she also was addicted to pills and didn't give a very good example. No consistensy. But the embarrassment of it really had an affect on my self-image. I don't resent her now, being a mom myself I see how delicate a job it is, and it's not easy! But then I wasn't experienced enough to understand why she was doing those things and it caused me to act-out. Like I didn't have her trust anyway, so I didn't have a healthy incentive to make the right decisions. I do wish she would have put down the drugs and worked harder on parenting, which is not the case here, I know. But I guess my point is that kids need openness, examples, trust(given free and not taken away easily), and understanding that they're working hard to find themselves and need room to do so, and proper guidance of course.
I know this is a totally personal view, but hopefully someone w/an open mind can get something out of it for themself! We've all got a tough job, that's one thing that's for sure!! Take care.