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Old 09-28-2007, 08:08 PM   #1
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Mother in desperate need of advice, im at the end of my rope

Hi all,
I am on here tonite because i have drove my family nuts with questions on what to do. I have posted here a few years ago. My 25 year old daughter is an addict of oxys,herion,percs,vics,pot. This addiction has been a long road let me tell you. Since she was 18. Last year i thought was the worst, we had to take her daughter, she overdosed on ultram,was in serious car accident,arrested for posession. So when she was arrested she plead guilty and told the judge that she was an addict and needed help.He sentenced her to 120 days suspended all but 60 which she served on house arrest. probation condition was drug testing which she did for awhile then just quit.so the issued warrant & revoked probation. I worked with her po without her knowing it explaining that she needed help not just jail.well they put her in our drug court program where she test 3-4 times week,3 na meetings week,meets po & counselor also each 3 times week. so its intense.plus they all meet with judge every weds. I have totally supported her took her to meetings,helped her get a place to stay,i spent easilly 30 hrs a week taking her to all her drug court activities. she was put on the suboxune program also free of charge in our county. she got her ged. im so proud. here is where my problem lies. our relationship has been rocky at best for a very long time. i have had her in 4 different detox,rehab facilities,i have been there when no one else would. but i am always the one she tears down emotionally. i have had my head split open by her and stitches,ive been called everything you could think of. but im always still there. i do not use anything but i have read,studied and lived with her addiction. anything to save her i have done.but even now that she is clean she still so mean with me. she just got kicked out of where she was living again because she was bringing men in at night and she was told no one could come in with her. she blames me for that.she was about to go to homeless shelter when my oldest son gave her one more chance (she lived with him b4 but od in his house & kicked her out).I just am to the point that i cannot take anymore, her meaness is to much for me to take. it is like evil spills out of her and it is always directed at me. although she has trouble with most relationships lasting long. i thought with counseling our relationship would get better , it did for awhile but she gets upset if i do anything without her. i am 44 and i have been raising her and her daughter. im tired ,i want a life where i dont have to report to her everything i do without her.
Is it wrong for me to walk away for awhile? I just cannot take it anymore, last sat i had so much anger in me because i wanted a couple hours away from her and she threw a fit and called me every name in book. i felt like running my car into a tree and just getting it over with.I have no life I am looking back at all i have done and she dont appreciate it and i feel i have given my life away to her. Nothing i do helps whether it is enabling,tough love i have did it all. Somebody please I need advice. please. Is it wrong for me to walk away and let her be own. ? she said if i do i am causing her to fail.

 
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Old 09-28-2007, 09:45 PM   #2
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Re: Mother in desperate need of advice, im at the end of my rope

ohhhh, i'm so sorry.
your daughter sounds alot like me at one time when I was at my worse.
I'm addicted to percosets right now, that's all I take and all i'm addicted to and i'm trying to stop. But years ago I was doing all kinds of drugs, going to jail and stuff. It killed my mother and she did all she could for me. She cried so many night and my mother has always been there for me when noone else ever was. She would still do anything for me. I cleaned up my act alot.
The best thing my mother ever did, was not be there for me.
She use to bail me out of jail all the time and one time she didn't bail me out. Well, she told me she wasn't going to bail me out and let me sit there for a whole week. I was so scared, mad at myself now because I had thought my mother even gave up on me. The only person that was always there for me has finally given up on me. Well, she finally bailed me out a week later and that changed me forever. Months after that I slowly started turning backwards again, but not as bad.

If your daughter is anything like me, it seems like she's given up on life, on herself, on being a good mom or daughter.
I've felt like i'll never be the "good" one in the family because I alreadly labled myself as the "bad" child. I'm already ashamed at what i've done and caused to the family.
It's a very bad feeling, and once you feel down on yourself, it's so hard to get out of it and you fall deeper and deeper into drugs to runaway from the depression.

I just want you to know that you are being a great mom by not giving up on your daughter. Don't be afraid to scare her though, make sure you give her room, don't always hound her everywhere she goes. Just be there for her but teach her a lesson suttely.
I love my mom for it, but NEVER give up on her because i love my mother to death for never giving up on me because when noone else was there, she was always the angel standing next to me. I love her for it.
I'm sure your daughter appreciates you for everything you've done, but hates herself for making you go through it that she take it out on you.

 
Old 09-28-2007, 10:01 PM   #3
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Re: Mother in desperate need of advice, im at the end of my rope

Im not trying to bust on you, but i just read all of your previous posts...Thats what made me post tonite. I had to do it to respond because I felt there were too many issues that werent explained in this post.
You have been a good momma, but she needs help inpatient, and I hope that she can get it. If you offer her NO OPTIONS then she will have no other choice. I hadnt read your other posts, and then when I did, I felt horrible for you, but more so for her child and she...
In getting her help, you can get some help yourself...Sorry if i offended you, but I hope things work out...
xoxoox,
IZZY'SMOM
Im a mother by the way...

Last edited by IZZY'SMOM; 09-28-2007 at 10:19 PM.

 
Old 09-28-2007, 10:25 PM   #4
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Re: Mother in desperate need of advice, im at the end of my rope

Dear MY,

It seems to me that it may be time for one of those "heart to heart" moments; the type that defines where you stand and what you will not tolerate.

As I was coming off the "throws of addiction," my father sat me down and said: "son, I am tired of argueing with you and it boils down to this one thing;if you want to live your life like this, I am not going to stop you."

I was angry for a long while after that, until I realized that he was right but yet wrong; the life that I was living was merely categorized as existing.

I still fought with addiction but had a purpose after that; I wanted my life back.
-----------------------------------
Of course you may have your own words but I needed to share that with you.

Take care and God Bless.

Phoenix
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Old 09-28-2007, 11:58 PM   #5
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Re: Mother in desperate need of advice, im at the end of my rope

mysissygirls,
In addiction the people around the addict become sick or sicker than the addict. That' where you're at. You didn't cause this addiction, you can't cure her addiction so stop your enabling right now. Today!!!!!!!!!!! It is not your problem!!!!! Tell your daughter in a firm but loving way that you will never again take any abuse from her and she is now resposible for her oun life. She will have to make all arragements for UAs, apts, drug court whatever; that you are done and run to the nearest Al-anon meeting that you can find. There you will learn from others how to set boundries and how to get rid of the guilt trip she's laying on you while still supporting her and loving her. I've got a son that tried the same trip on me but not any more because I got the help I needed in Al-anon. Get thee to a meeting now!!!!!!!!!!!! and start getting well.

God Bless,
mlfoley

Last edited by mlfoley; 09-29-2007 at 05:50 AM.

 
Old 09-29-2007, 12:10 AM   #6
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Re: Mother in desperate need of advice, im at the end of my rope

Dear ml,

I respect your opinion but please do not direct your post towards me.

"Some" people get sick or sicker, not all.

Al-Anon is wonderful but it meets with mixed reviews.

Let us not debate on what we feel is best and focus more on helping MY.

Take care.

Phoenix
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Old 09-29-2007, 03:06 AM   #7
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Re: Mother in desperate need of advice, im at the end of my rope

Hi Mysissygirls, I have a co-worker and friend of almost 30 yrs that has been going thru the same thing you have with your daughter. Sounds exactly like her. The daughter was diagnosed with ADD as a teenager and has always been a challange. We're not sure when her addiction to pain meds started but it may have been when she was pregnant and was prescribed pain pill for a gall bladder flair up. My friend thought having the baby would straighten her daughter out but is now raising him and he's almost 1 and a half. She paid for rehab twice, took her daughter and the baby in when he was born. Her husband came home one day when the baby was about 2 months old and her daughter had fallen asleep on the sofa with him - he was screaming because she was out cold on him and almost sufficated him. That was the point that Mom took full custody of the baby and the daughter was glad to let her so she could go out and have fun "like a teenager is supposed to" - she's 24.
She has burned her bridges with almost her entire family because of her addiction and horrible temper. Blames her mother for all her problems and threatens to take the baby when she wants money for drugs. She's called her mother every ugly name in the book. She's now working at a strip club - claims to be a "bar tender" -hah. Anyway, my friend had to let her go. She had done all she can for her and the baby is her biggest concern and love. The daughter is renting a room at one of her friends mothers house who told her that the daughter's addiction is getting worse. She's moved onto hard drugs. I really don't have any advise for you other than love that child of hers. Hopefully she will reach a rock bottom and come clean. You've done all you can for her and should not be taking her verbal or physical abuse. While it may break your heart, you may need to let her be on her own - kick her out after a heart to heart. Write down all the things you've done for her and all the things she's done to you and tell her you deserve a better life and will be glad to have her back when she's clean and treats you with the respect a mother deserves. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
JB

 
Old 09-29-2007, 09:31 AM   #8
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Re: Mother in desperate need of advice, im at the end of my rope

I tried to help my son for years but it wasn't until I told him to stop drugs or get out of my house and my life that he finally did stop. That was 2 1/2 years ago. Since then he had a small bout with crack cocaine which only lasted a few weeks and then he got help and has been clean from hard drugs ever since. He still smokes pot. He went to Florida for the winter and when he came back up here for the summer I wouldn't let him live with me and I started Al Anon. He still is only doing pot and has kept away from the hard drugs but I won't let him live with me if he is not completely sober. He's 26. Time for him to take care of himself and time for me to take care of myself. I am finally learning after almost 5 years that his drug addiction problems are just that--his problems and he has to solve them. I have finally learned to cut the apron string. I love him and he knows it but I want my life back and I've taken it back. He moved to New York this week. He's looking for a fresh start. He knows if he stays in this town his friends will drag him down. As one woman said in Al Anon this week "Let go or be dragged"

 
Old 09-30-2007, 05:48 AM   #9
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Re: Mother in desperate need of advice, im at the end of my rope

Hi Missy:

I so feel your pain. I'll share my story with you and you can do with it what you will. I am the baby of 7. I was raised in the most loving family you can ever imagine. I have a brother who died at 33 from Chirosis (sp) because he just couldn't give up BEER. He never drank anything stronger than beer. My entire family went thru counseling and at that time I was between the ages of 20-25 (the years that he was really bad). A few times he'd clean up, and he even became a peer counselor with other Alcoholics. He knew (intellectually) that he was killing himself, but he couldn't kick that addiction.... some in my family were not strong enough to "cut all ties" and give him no support, monitarily, and/or emotionally, even after months of our counseling.... in the end, a tearfull phonecall to my oldest sister that his electricity was being shut off, and he needed 50 bucks to keep it from getting cut off was what killed him...he used that money to buy a six pack of beer...and when he was found he had only popped the top on one of the beers and gotten half of it down before sinking into a coma. He died the next day. He was 33. His Jaundice was so bad due to his failing liver that when he bathed, his bath water would turn yellow, so you can get a sense of how serious his condition was. He had already lived thru three alcohol induced comas, none of which the doctors said he would live thru.

My sister has had to live with a LOT of guilt for allowing him to manipulate her in that way, and then had to work thru all these years of what ifs. When you enable, you are basically signing the death certificiate, IMHO.

I have another brother who is also an addict....and just recently the family did an intervention with him. He chose to refuse our help, and the end result was that his belongings were removed from my 80 year old moms house, (he moved in to "help care for her") and the locks changed on the door. He now is a 54 year old "big boy" that basically has to figure it out on his own. He has chosen a 30 day in-patient rehab, then will live in a half way house. He will not be able to move back into moms home until he is one year sober. His drinking and drugging had my already frail mom's blood pressure thru the roof when he's home from working offshore.

As callous as all of this sounds, sometimes when you leave no hope to an addict, you are giving that person the gift of life.

I have two very different experiences, with two very different outcomes. Well, the second hopefully will be a much happier ending. I'm not trying to paint the darkest picture there is, however, I do belive that if you continue to "give, give, give", you will continue to be "used and abused.

I will say some extra special prayers for your daughter. God Bless you and good luck.

Sea
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Old 09-30-2007, 08:04 AM   #10
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Re: Mother in desperate need of advice, im at the end of my rope

seafaringlady,
Thank you for your response. First I want to tell you im sorry for your loss and all the pain you and your family has been through. After a decade of trying to help I am realizing especially from these boards that I thought I was helping but she holds all the power in life and recovery. I believe it is time for me to let her go and do this on her own. I need help of my own because Im addicted almost to saving her. Sounds sick to even say that but it is true. I also have a frail mom who has alzhiemers and my dad keeps telling me to spend more time with her because next year she will not know me. I was always doing for my daughter. I am going to spend as much time with my mother as I can and start to do things i enjoy. I am 44 years old and have a good family that i love but am so lonely because I dont even know who I am anymore.I appreciate all the prayers for our family, espcially my daughter because I am putting her recovery in her and Gods hands now.The thing that I am second geussing myself on is she is tested clean for 3 months and that is what i have wanted and now she says Im setting her up to fail. She is clean other than suboxune but her attitude is that of an addict. I dont for a minute think after she is off probation she will remain clean because she said as soon as she is off she is gona smoke pot and that is all she is gona do. from past experience she cant just smoke pot she moves her way up the drug chain. And isnt pot also mind altering , that is not clean to me,but she feels pot is harmless.
Thank you for sharing your story ;It means alot to me.
Good luck with your brother also and I will also say a prayer for your family.
tami

 
Old 09-30-2007, 08:23 AM   #11
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Re: Mother in desperate need of advice, im at the end of my rope

Quote:
Originally Posted by MYSISSYGIRLS View Post
The thing that I am second geussing myself on is she is tested clean for 3 months and that is what i have wanted and now she says Im setting her up to fail. She is clean other than suboxune but her attitude is that of an addict. I dont for a minute think after she is off probation she will remain clean because she said as soon as she is off she is gona smoke pot and that is all she is gona do. from past experience she cant just smoke pot she moves her way up the drug chain. And isnt pot also mind altering , that is not clean to me,but she feels pot is harmless.
Dear MG,

So, the only reason she remains clean is because she is on probation and she states that when she is off, cannibus will be her main focus?(rhetorical)

You are not setting her up to fail; she has already done that to and for herself.

It's like she is steadily building a house "brick by brick" and on the last day of probation,it will be completed; thus a reason to celebrate in the manner she is predisposed mentally to.

Take care and God Bless.

Phoenix
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Last edited by Phoenix; 09-30-2007 at 08:55 AM.

 
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