I just posted previously about my daughter. I am also wondering since she is on suboxune program if she is messing with her dosage would that cause her behavior to change. The reason i am wondering is i know she is clean im going with her to her ten panel testing and she is not asking for money like when she was using. but her behavior at times is like she is using. She has talked to me about others in na group that are selling there suboxune, which i have suspected she may be doing because now that pill is being dealt in our town like the rest of the drugs. also her dr said because of how long she has been an addict and her cravings that she may have to be on suboxune the rest of her life? is that right? she started out at 2 a day but her boyfriend who is also on them and selling them told her tell dr that she still had cravings and they upped her to 3 a day. sorry for 2 post tonite . Im trying to get some info.
she may be sober, but she is not actively trying to change all the behaviors that come with addiction. it sounds to me like she really needs to participate in her own recovery. she may be going to meetings, but i will tell you with absolute certainty, she is not actively participating in those meetins. she's sitting in the back and not absorbing anything about the group, what it means to do the 12 steps, getting a sponsor, giving back. she's just as selfish and self centered as she was when she was using. i am not trying to be cruel. i was like your daughter, before i finally "got it" and starting to work on my sobriety, got a sponsor, and actively did the 12 steps. she's got the drugs out of her system, but thats it.
i dont blame you one bit for wanting to take a step back and get some peace and serenity into your own life. With all you've been through, you deserve it.
She's an adult now and its up to her to help herself and get the help she so desprately needs to start really living.
Please know that you and your daughter and your grandchild are in my prayers. keep posting. i really care and want to know that you are doing better.
Wow your response was an aha moment. What you said in your response is true, she has been going to na for good while but has yet to get sponsor. I bought all the 12 step books,ive been to so many meetings with her that i formed friendships with these poeple and really care about them. But I do see that in her, her behavior is still that of an addict except that she doesnt ask for money anymore. Now it is I need babysitter,place to stay,ride here,ride there. But she is still with a terrible attitude and has temper tantrums. But she is telling me they (counselors) do not think she needs relapse counseling I began to wonder what is she telling them. She has been an addict for close to a decade and she dont need relapse prevention. She has not worked the 12 steps at all. She says she does her recovery her own way and that is fine but I have taken a step back since last weekend when she threw a terrible tantrum with me. I didnt take her anywhere this past week, first time in long time that i didnt. I felt guilty but i gota tell you it felt goood monday when i didnt have to run her around. Yes i worried how she would get places but she did and she got even angrier with me when i wouldnt respond to her text & phone calls of threats and anger. I am going to get help for myself, but i have weak moments where i am worried constantly , my son says im addicted to keeping her clean . that may be true. But the way i feel right now the cost is to high for me. I want it more than anything and will never give up hope and encourage ment but i am taking a break from my daughter. Kinda feel like crap even saying that but there is nothing left for me to do that i havent did.THANK YOU SO MUCH,You really hit the nail on the head with your response and it opened my eyes to alot.
Michelle is exactly right. Just going to meetings does not "fix" things. Unless the attitude and commitment to recovery take place, the only thing that is different is the not using. And Tami, if she does not get committed to her recovery she will use again. I don't mean to preach gloom and doom, but if her mind set doesn't change, neither will her behaviors and you can't change her mindset. I think you do need a break. And I can almost promise you that her counselors are not telling her she doesn't need some kind of relapse prevention treatment. Relapse is a very real aspect of addiction.
It disturbs me to hear that her NA members are selling suboxone. How do you know this? Have you seen it, or just heard it from your daughter. Doing that goes against everything that I've learned of NA. If it is happening, then you need to look at getting her into another NA group, possibly in another town close by. Meetings are everywhere, you just have to find them.
I know the things your daughter says hurt you. Just keep in mind that we addicts can be master manipulators. We can smell a weakness in someone, and we pick up very quickly on what buttons we can push to get what we want. Don't fall for it. It's almost like a child that throws a fit in the grocery store for a candy bar. If the parent gives in and buys one, the child will continue to throw fits at any future resistance. However, if the parent doesn't give in, the child soon learns that particular technique won't work. It does not mean that the parent doesn't love the child, only that they won't give in to the manipulation. So...don't feel guilty about not giving in to her threats, cries and anger. It doesn't mean you don't love her. And I read on your other post about her getting physically violent with you in the past. Do NOT put up with that. Don't let it get that far, and if it does have her *** taken in.
Hon, you cannot control her. She is an adult. Let her face natural consequences. I know you love her, but this is not your fault, nor can you fix her. She has to be willing to help fix herself. You've provided her with all the resources...meetings, books, counselling. All you can do now is love her and pray for her. Take some time and take care of YOU. You've been through hell, and are hurting too. If you don't make sure that you're OK, you can't be there for anyone else. I'm praying for you and your daughter. I know this isn't easy, believe me. I wish there was an easy and guaranteed fix for all of this, but the fact is there isn't. The serenity prayer isn't just for addicts and alcoholics. Say it, and understand those words and live by them. That's all that any of us can do.
Last edited by ReadyToBeDone; 09-29-2007 at 04:37 PM.
just wondering how you're doing today. i just read ready's post and her/his advice is so right on. your daughter is an adult now. and the only way that most addicts, myself included, begin the long process of recovery is to experience the consequences of their own actions. you have been there for her, going to meetings, court, everything that she needs to do to fulfill her obligations to the drug court, po, etc. she had to learn to start to be responsible for herself, and when she sees that its going to take more than begging for rides and treating you harshly to get her way; maybe she'll finally buckle down and do what the rest of society does - work hard, act courteously, learn determination and how to treat others as she would like to be treated herself. earn respect. her self esteem will skyrocket with these achievments, and she so desperately needs that to happen. she wouldnt be treating you or others with such desrepect if she loved and respected herself. let her learn to be honest with her counselor, you cant do that for her. let her suffer the consequences of her own actions, dont take it upon yourself. thats not your job. it does her more harm than good.
have you ever gone to alanon or narcanon? they are meetings for the loved ones of addicts. they teach you how to set your boundaries and stick to them. how to love her enough to let her find her own way in recovery. you can take her to the water, but you cant force her to drink it. she's got to decide she's thirsty enough to drink it herself.
i hope today has brought you much joy and happiness. i am praying for you and your family. please keep me posted on your progress.
I just wanted to post to you regarding your 1st post below. You said that your daughter is on sub. and is acting angry/volitile still. Just wanted to share with you that I am on sub. (currently tapering off though) and so is my father (recovering addict also, but taking long-term for headaches/migraines).
Anways, I noticed a difference in my mood when i FIRST started the sub. I was way more irritable and easily annoyed.
I knew it was the sub. bcuz i'd notice that it got worse right after i took it and would last a few hours then taper off. My Father also was very irritable when he first started it. Everyone that worked for him told me of his anger and yelling fits. I knew it had to be from the sub. and told them to be patient.
Thankfully it did get better and my Dad has leveled off and is more stable with his moods.
It seems like your daughter has had issues with tantrums even B4 starting the sub., so i'm not making excuses for her, but it could be worsened with her starting the sub. also.
As far as how much your stressing over her situation...I can tell u this from experience. My Mother (who is my best friend), TRIED to help me for YEARS. She tried so hard to do whatever she could think of to help me with my depression/addiction/heartbreak/anger...you name it. But bottom line is that I can tell her now with total assurance that "There was nothing u could have done" and that i realize now how absolutely true that statement is.
She couldn't help me until I wanted help. I DO believe in being there for your daughter and telling her you'll help in any way....but i DON'T believe that she'll get any better INSIDE until SHE'S had enough.
I suffered so badly for so many years....and i put my Mom thru living hell having to watch me and feeling so hopeless. She worried about me constantly and tried to help me in so many ways. But there was no way i could get well until I had reached a point where i knew it was GET BETTER OR BE MISERABLE THE REST OF MY LIFE.
My parents forced me into rehab....i went kicking and screaming (literally), but when i got there and tried to escape from rehab (completely unlike me) and the staff came out to get me, for the 1st time in my life i knew i had to make a choice. And yes, going home would be "safe" , but I also knew that i hated my life....I wanted to die most of the time, and I was totally depressed and angry at the world. Today i can say that that moment was my life-saver bcuz it was ME who realized i needed help...not my Mom.
I still feel guilty at times when i think of all the stress and hurt i put my Mom thru. But it feels good to have her be able to finally relax and see me happy. So i guess what i'm getting at here is that all u can do is pray.....it may have taken my Mom YEARS of praying to get me to that point, but it did happen. And i was thankful for all that i'd been thru and all the pain i'd endured bcuz it made me a more kind, caring, compassionate person in the end.
Your daugther needs to realize this on her own. Otherwise she'll be doing these things just to appease you and won't be truely healing inside.
So hang in there, and trust in your higher power that he/she/it will lead your daughter in the right direction.
sorry to make this so long.....and i'm sure most of it's rambling.....i was just letting words come from my heart and i kinda went overboard.!
Thank you very much, I appreciate you opening your heart and story to me. She has been on suboxune for about 2 months now. She takes 3 aday not sure of milligram and not sure if she is taking them all. I know they are testing her to make sure its in her system but she told me her boyfriend sells almost all of his and she said she has sold some of hers for cigarettes. She told me poeple want it to stay out of withdrawls from oxys. I read all the info on the drug when she first started taking it and feel that it is great for her cravings and drug dreams (as she calls them). I will keep praying. She is not talking to me again. She told me last week she wanted nothing to do with me again because i would not babysit for her, I had had my grandaughter for 5 days and wanted a couple hours to myself. She wanted to go out and play poker with her friends and since then she got kicked out her living area,her brother took her in. she will send nasty text to me but i am not responding to any of them. I look for her to try to get to me this week because she has meetings or appts every day and God forbid she has to walk even though is in the 80;s and sunny all week. I am just not gona respond. I would just like to write her a letter as soon as i figure out what to say to her.lol.
take care and good luck with you and your father, my prayers are with you