I have been married for 10 years and my husband has a drinking problem. I am not sure if he is an alcoholic or a problem drinker, though. He used to work nights as a bartender and he would usually come home either drunk or get drunk once he would get home. (I would drive him to and from work because I didn't want him driving drunk.) Now he is working a day job and he usually starts drinking either on Thursday night, then goes to work Friday, and then drinks for the rest of the weekend, or he starts on Friday night and drinks all weekend. Generally, he drinks for two days straight (or until his vodka runs out). However, he does not let his drinking affect his job.
Although he is not physically abusive, he fights with me about the dumbest things, then he accuses me if other things. Basically, he is the most annoying person on the face of the planet when he is drinking and no one else likes being around him (my family and friends, etc.). He lies to me about how much he drinks and hides the booze from me. I am constantly finding bottles around the house. I also notice that his hands shake the day after his binge is over. I have told him more times than I can count that he needs to quit or I will leave, but although he says he will quite after his weekend binges, he always goes back to it. It is difficult for me because the days of the week when he is not drinking, I really love him, but then I am always disappointed when he drinks again. Lately, I find that even when he's not drinking I don't feel the same way about him. I actually almost cheated on him earlier this year, but I didn't do it because I know that will not solve anything.
I'm sorry that this is so long, but I will go back to my original question: Is he an alcoholic? After 10 years of threats, will he ever quit or get help? I keep thinking lately that I should just leave.
Thank you in advance for any advice you all can give me.
Having lived with an alchoholic on the family my whole life, by what you are saying, he has classic symptoms of alchoholism. You must know this deep down. The Lieing, hiding alchohol, the negative changes in mood, the negative effect on everyone around him, finding bottles around the house, binge drinking, shaky hands...it is all symptoms dear, sorry to say. It is already having a HUGE affect on your marriage, which is a big red light that something is very wrong. Do you really need someone to tell you that he is an alchoholic? You already know he is. So what will you do?
You have already tried and failed with getting him help, which by the way you can't do, he has to help himself. But at one time you were willing to support him. Are you still willing to support him? If so, it is time you made some drastic changes. No more threats. It is time for an intervention with his family. If that doesn't work, For your own sanity, leave until he gets help. I have gone through this myself I know. Mine was a family member. And it was very painful to have them choose alchohol over us. The threats never worked. If they aren't ready, they aren't ready and there is nothing you can do about it. The family finally got together and said, "We love you, but we can't watch you kill yourself. Here is a list of places to get help. This is as far as we are willing to go. If you decide to get help, great, let us know and we will attend counseling or whatever it is that your program wants us to do for support. But until then,we can't talk to you anymore. We need to think about our own life and our own health because we care about our lives, and we care about yours much to much to stick around and watch you destroy yourself." That is all you can do. That is all anyone can do.
I have been on both ends. I know that addiction runs your life, and you have to realize that his life isn't his own anymore and he needs to get help if you are to have any kind of relationship with him at all. It sounds like in your case, it could have gone too far already. If you love him and want to the marriage to work, I would take action before you get to that point where you dont care anymore. And then it is too late. I unfortunately got to that point and I don't talk to this person anymore. I can't even stand to look at his pitcure and he is family. I miss him, but it was for the better. I wish I had made a stand earlier and maybe he would have gotten help sooner and we would still have some kind of civil relationship. Live and learn...