I just wanted to mention one more thing. In the middle of what happened to my son he was seeing a psychiatrist who had him on Depakote and Lamictal for Bi-polar (which he's not), had him on 5 2mg xanax timed release pills a day and had him on klonopin which is a benzo just like xanax. He was also getting oxycontin through a doctor who couldn't diagnose his stomach problems. Turns out he had ulcers. Anyway the psychiatrist took over the oxycontin so could wean him off it. As she weaned him off he substituted it heroin. I found 44 packets of heroin in his bureau drawer. I wasn't even snooping. He was in bed at the time watching me. I grabbed them and the oxycontin and stuffed them in my pocket. He should stood there. Then I walked into the bathroom and flushed them. I think I screamed a little and he tried to hug me and I wouldn't let him. I told him to start a detox that day or pack his bags and never darken my doorstep again. The thing about my son is he loves his family especially me. Then he went through 7 days of hell. I let him use the xanax to help with the withdrawals. On the 8th day we started to wean him off everything that psychiatrist had given him. She thought he was bi-polar because he would get so angry sometimes. He was just angry when he couldn't get the drugs he wanted. He still has emotional problems but he needs to see a therapist not a psychiatrist. He doesn't need pills he needs someone to talk to. But he won't go or go to NA or AA.
He moved to NY a few weeks ago after his ex girlfriend died of a heroin overdose. We live in a small town where everyone knows everyone. He knows he can't really stay here because so many people know of his past drug problems and he always gets involved with the same people he grew up with who probably still do drugs. But every time I see his name on caller ID, my heart skips a beat because I still wait for that call that something bad has happened. He plans on going to Florida right after Christmas but I think his sister will only let him stay here two nights but he wants to stay a week to give him time to pack his fishing stuff and summer stuff.
It was hard when he first came home this summer from Florida to know he was sleeping in his van in the Walmart parking lot. My daughter wouldn't even let him visit the house unless she or her husband were home but it took the pressure off me. She knew I couldn't do it alone. Thank God for family support. I think someday she will forgive him when he keeps a job for a while and proves he can be responsible. He may not be using but he is still a drug addict and always will be. It's what he does from now on that counts.
Sorry for venting my whole story on you. But it's good for me to write it down again and remind myself I am doing the right thing for us both.
Joan, i have been reading andposting for over a year so i have read other posts of yours. i am familiar with your sons story..I am not too sure about anything anymore, my son was diagnosed as being bipolar a year ago but he too was abusing his doctor and just wanted klonopin i am well educated on benzos and opiates,he was using both at the same time..He is very angry moody person.lots of highs and lows. so im not sure. his doc called him and told him he tested negative for barbituartes and his blood work was absolutely fine. so much for home drug tests huh? anyway, he hasnt tested positive for benzos or opiates in almost 9mths...so i am going to continue to hope and pray that hes clean of drugs..he does drink, which we both know is a drug..but he doesnt see it that way..he has to learn everything the hard way. I agree an addict is an addict and always will be. he can get addicted to just about anything..Again, thanks for your post. i appreciate your honesty. i dont talk about this to any of my friends at all. so, it helps to know somebody is listening to me.
My son is the same way. He learns everything the hard way. And many times he just repeats the same mistakes over and over and over. My son doesn't drink much but smokes pot on a daily basis. As I said he moved to NY a few weeks ago and wouldn't you know it there's a gambling casino nearby that he has been visiting quite often. I can smell a new addiction. I try to just take one day at a time. My therapist says I am way too obsessed with him and what he does and I have to try to not think about him so much. I treat him like a twelve year old and he's 26. Well, this place is a good place to vent. I"m sure we'll "talk" again.
Joan we sound alike..my therapist kinda tells me the same thing..and we live in n.y and im sure i know where your sons new hang out will be. my son has been to a few casinos and would become quickly addicted to that. and he knows it and has told me so. I do tend to treat my son like a 12 yr old too. Because he acts like one. anyway, i am seeing my therapist today. my son is doing ok, hes not using drugs. believe it or not pot was one thing he never cared for..said it made him totally paranoid and scared him. I need to learn how to let go even if it means sittting back and watching him screw up his life. sounds so mean! He is my only son and i love him so much, hes just so thickheaded. I cant change that.
I guess we are alike. My son is my only son too and the youngest of my two children. I love him to the point of over loving him, if you know what I mean. I always did too much for him and now he expects it. But he too is not doing the hard drugs right now and hopefully the gambling thing will not get out of control. But even if it does it's his choice. I can't keep trying to make his choices for him. Because he never listens to me anyway. No, that's wrong, he always politely listens and then does the opposite. That's the one thing about him he has a very sweet nature. Old people love him, girls fall at his feet, he's a charmer, but also a great manipulator like all drug addicts. I'm disabled and when we lived together he helped me when I needed him to, he never stole from me, even if I had money laying around. But we enabled each other. I live with my daughter now and she gets me to do things that I used to procrastinate about. She's helped me in a way my son never could have. I love them both but they are so different. I guess in the end all I want is for them both to be happy.
Joan i know that you dont post often.. but do you read the boards? did they ever get you so down and depressed that you almost just want to delete the board from your computer? it makes me so upset when i read about all the young people with addictions..
I do read the boards and I know what you mean but I always feel if just one thing I say helps one person than I've accomplished something. When my son's ex-girlfriend died last month of a heroin overdose our local newspaper had an article about her and readers could make comments. I noticed many people saying she deserved to die, she must have been white trash. Well, that made me a little crazy because most of these kids don't go into it thinking they are going to become addicts. They think they are so strong they can control it and none of them deserve to die. Well, I had to put my two cents in and through my writing I met an 18 year old girl who knew my son's ex. They had worked together and this girl was devastated by the death. We ended up e-mailing each other. She can't seem to talk to her mom and dad so she has been opening up to me. She sounds very depressed with lots of ups and downs. I'm no professional but I have been trying to get her to talk to one. She doesn't do heroin but does drink and smoke pot. It tears me up to see these kid's ruining their lives and the lives of their families. Three years ago, one of my son's friends committed suicide because he gave up on himself. He couldn't get off the opiates.
I did just talk to my son a few minutes ago. He sounded good and said everything was going fine. Such wonderful words to hear. It gives me some hope for other young ones--that one day they will see the light and get help.
I can not even pretend to totally understand what you live with daily as parents of these sons. I have three adult children that I love dearly and even when they get jarred with life's problems with work or money or more expected stuff, I continue to be a 'mom' in that their problems do affect me greatly.
I have been reading this thread lately with so many thoughts goingthrough my mind. Most of today, I have been thinking about that TV show "Taxi" in connection with your boys. You guys know the show? Old one. There is a character on it named Jim... one of the taxi drivers. Jim is a man of extraordinary talents.. the biggest, perhaps, his ability to accept and love so many people. He tried a marijuana-laced brownie unknowingly in his college days and turne from a straight A nerd student into a hippie drug user. He became isolated from his family, dropped out of college and began a career as a taxi driver.
Here and there along the course of the show, he had infrequent encounters with his Dad. The love between them was always obvious, but the connection just never seemed to last.
So in one episode, his dad sadly dies. A trunk of stuff is sent to Jim at the request of his Dad and in it are mementos of family life. Jim sits and finally opens the chest and examines the stuff. The realization hits him how much his Dad always loved him and how special he always was to his Dad.
I think of you guys in relationship to that episode and all day it has been on my mind. Jim maybe screwed up a part of his life, but he was surviving. And nothing, nothing, could take away the sweet essence of him. There was love and caring and compassion and good in him. Just like in your boys.
Jim's dad disconnected from him entirely and never let Jim know after his mistakes how much he truly loved him. That was a TV show and this is real life that you deal in. And in real life, I see how you two continue to love these boys and do things that allow them to know it. You do what you must as parents to try and force them to wake up and I hope that neither of you ever gives up hope. I admire you both very much in that you have made hard choices, but never stopped being a parent and caring. I do see much hope for both boys. I do not know the whys or hows of why some slip into addiction and others not. None of us can know. But it takes some mighty mothers to continue to care and hope for our children no matter how bleak things look today. Tomorrow always comes with new hope. But just as you probably didn't expect addiction to become a part of your child's life, I hope that tomorrow takes you by surprise someday and you find the addiction is resolved.
Reader's Digest.. this month's edition...has an unbelievably insipiring and hopeful true story of a young woman, now an elementary teacher doing great things in helping kids. This young woman was once an active, in-the-street addict that everyone in her life had deemed as hopeless. I hope you can get ahold of the digest and read this story.
There is never a time to give up hope as long as we live and breathe. You moms and your children are all in my prayers and thoughts often.
Reach you are such a great person. you see the good in things and i have the utmost respect for that..after all we have been thru with these kids its so hard to not see negativity..but im slowly learning. i just today told my son that he has come a long way in a year and he smiled..that was agood thing as little as it might sound..it made his day.
Your son keeps fighting the fight because you have instilled good values in him. he has a base to work from and that will work for him. That smile he gave you? It is evidence that you continue to be a force in his life.
My firstborn son made me crazy with never sleeping... I mean NEVER sleeping. He did not sleep through the night until after he was in kindergaten. I thought I would go out of my mind sometimes from sleep deprivation. I am not being silly here, but totally serious. An older mother told me once that he would start sleeping by then. He was two at the time. I wanted to freakin scream. No way could I endure three more years like this. I had a job and a second kid. But you know what? I endured and finally, FINALLY, he learned to sleep through the night.
I am sure there are time when it feels like a never-ending deal with your son. You wouldn't be too normal if a LOT of negativity didn't creep in. And I know there has to be embarrassment and hurt that he is presenting himself to the world in less than the bright light you would hope he would shine in. Sometimes when my kids were jerks, the consequences of the embarrassment I pauid for it were much worse than any punishment consequences they paid. I would have this extreme guilt that I had not done something right in parenting them. It took me a long time and a lot of listening to older parents to understand that all kids are total jerks at some points in their lives. They make choices that absolutely do not take us into consideration because they have not matured to that point yet. It is not a reflection on our parenting... it is a reflection of the growing up and accepting responsibilty process. I guess there were times I was a total jerk also. But when we have solid bases to start from, wwe then have the ability to pull ourselves up again.
You have given him the base, Jules. His smile to you shows that he finds happiness in knowing that he has accomplished something you would approve of.
Reach, I have read many of your posts and they are always honest and true. You are one of the inspirations on this board. You always give advice from the heart and I am sure everyone appreciates it. You are honest and to the point and that's what makes this board so valuable. As a parent I have always tried to do the right thing but have many times done the wrong thing. Al Anon has helped me to realize my mistakes and deal with them. I have high hopes for my son and always will because a positive attitude gets you everywhere to all the good places in life. Peace and hope to us all.