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Old 11-04-2007, 04:56 PM   #1
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SusanGene HB User
Unhappy How Do I Handle This??

My daughter, 42, has been smoking crack for months. She left her numerous jobs, gave her son, 9, to us for the second year, (gave him to her sister for last year), had her car impounded (it was a gift; she didn't buy it),
sold her tv and leather sofa, has her other things in storage in another state, has warrants out in our town, has no money but STILL is arriving in our city tonight ASSUMING the drug detox place will have vacancies tomorrow. She usually leaves these places thinking they're too confining.
She is chronically depressed, her boyfriend has done everything to get rid of her for 2 years (this move should do it) , her son loves us and loves being here and she can't even get him in school. She makes wisecracks about how big our house is as if that means she's ok with us to be here, on her cell phone day and night (lifelong habit). She is not one of these sweet, lovable things who got on the wrong track. She is insulting, hateful, aggressive, spoiled. Very self pitying. She will be downtown and her old friends here are into the same stuff she's been into for years. Should I put her up at a cheap motel or let her find her own way? She has a real estate license but quits all her jobs or gets fired. We are keeping her son, he's very happy regardless of her neglect of him. She's the type who would rather move in with a male buddy than into a motel. She feels she's "too classy" to live in one of those. I was doing well before this happened. I had been caring for her son for a month. Her father lives so far away there's not much he can do. Besides, he's so disappointed in how she's turned out I doubt he'd do anything. What should I do? I won't even get into the kinds of persons her son has been around his whole life. thanks.
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Old 11-04-2007, 05:07 PM   #2
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eddie1971 HB User
Re: How Do I Handle This??

If she is 42 years old and can't shake the wonderful world of causing pain to everyone she is in contact with, then she needs to find her own way.
It sounds as if she has been comforted into thinking this is acceptable behavior.

I'm sure if the son has seen this, he is destin to a life of the same abuse to his peers and self destruction.

I watched my "mom" self destruct throughout my entire life until she had an accidental overdose that left her 2 young boys homeless.
I, on the otherhand, was raised by my grandparents, and if I had not been taken in under their care i would be just as worthless as she was.

The fact is, people have to WANT to get better.
No matter how much you talk, yell, scream, etc...

If they don't want to better themselves, it never ends until THEY decide.

not meaning to be harsh, but that's my experience.

 
Old 11-04-2007, 05:27 PM   #3
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river525 HB User
Re: How Do I Handle This??

Let her find her own place to stay.........until she hits bottom and I mean bottom she will never learn. Plus the added stress of her being in YOUR home wouldn't be pleasant for you or your grandson (who your daughter gave up). It's tough saying "no" to family but it sounds like you have done everything you can do and she has not done anything to improve her life.

I had a "somewhat" similar situation with my step daughter when her mom literally dropped her off at our doorstep (2 days after our honeymoon). She was 10 years old at the time and we lived through some teary nights when her mom made promises to visit and then didn't show or even bother to call or show up completely "out of it" We finally went to court after living through this for 2 years (with my step daughter's blessings) and her mom lost all of her visitation rights (yet could call once a week and come to her high school graduation) but we have not heard or seen her since. And.........I'm happy to say my step daughter is now 21 and is doing great in college, working a great job, and living on her own and obviously her dad and I are very very proud of her.

Your grandson is lucky to have such a great grandmother to show him love - TRUE love and stability. Hugs to you and him and I would just concentrate on raising him and not letting him see his mother in these circumstances.

And on a side note - take notes and keep them. We did this and it helped when it finally did end up incourt.

Take care of YOU and your grandson

 
Old 11-04-2007, 05:52 PM   #4
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mudbone HB User
Re: How Do I Handle This??

2 words needed here-"TOUGH LOVE"! See that the little one is taken care of and put her out on her arss to learn to live. Or baker act her...

 
Old 11-04-2007, 06:04 PM   #5
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jponline HB User
Re: How Do I Handle This??

Hi Susan,I too am the mum of an ungrateful daughter, stand back and let her go, it's the only way forward, at this moment I don't know if my daughter is dead or alive and it's breaking my heart, but I know if this addiction is to come to an end then it will be because I have stopped enabling her, I feel I am pushing her to rock bottom but that's where she has to go and I wish I had done this sooner. Please find the strength to do this and seek support and help on this board. Your daughter sounds as selfish as mine and this will be in her favour, I,m sure she will survive.
Stay strong.

JP

 
Old 11-05-2007, 06:59 AM   #6
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Unhappy Re: How Do I Handle This??

I really cannot thank you guys enough for your posts and advice. She is now in town but 25 miles from our home. She called at six thirty this morning (it could be she wanted to catch us not getting her son ready for the bus but he is always on it) asking my husband what she should do. Then she got her son on the line and was crying and asking him if he missed her and loved her and would I take him into town to see her and I said NO. He is gone nine hrs per day with the bus ride included and by 4pm dinner is ready and the bus gets here. I've been awake since three thirty a.m. thinking about this and the impact her phonecalls will have on our lives. If she gets a ride out here she will simply walk in the door. If it isn't by cab I'll have to get a license number . I found out she stole $40 from her boss last week (of course, he is asking me to pay it). Extortion. She had a lady write a check out in Her Name instead of to the business and she spent it. This is not my husband's grandson. He is 66 and diabetic and I HATE doing this to him. He does not want to raise another son. I wish my other daughter would take him back but she doesn't want him because her sister would be calling THEIR family.
She kept him for 3rd grade and I could tell she was more tired than usual. She is upset too and has eczema and psoriasis, a full time job and 2 kids.
So she feels it's My time to keep him. I can now look back over the many years of her life and see that she was never quite 'right' mentally. So many things that happened come into my memory from the very beginning that make me think she was born ill. This is a living nightmare.
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Old 11-05-2007, 07:35 AM   #7
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river525 HB User
Re: How Do I Handle This??

You and my step daughters grandmother would so be able to support each other and she could give you so many ideas/suggestions on what they finally had to do to stop the insanity. My step daughters grandparents ended up having to move to a new home and get an unlisted phone number so they could just return to a "normal" life without the constant phone calls, etc from their daughter. Luckily my step daughter has a wondeful relationship with her grandparents and basically the entire family is fine and loving - except her. So......no one deals with her and she has moved on and even though none of us hear from her we believe she is now working and living with some other new guy.

I like your husband had some problems with the situation of having to raise a step daughter as "that wasn't in the deal" when I married her dad. BUT>>>> I would not trade the experience or the love that occurred while we raised her with her mother completely out of the picture. I realized quickly I was resenting my step daughters mother for just disposing of her child like a piece of trash. Now granted your husband has health issues and you are the grandparents so that does make a difference of sorts but thankfully your grandson has you and your husband - just think if he didn't.

Where is the childs father? I think you said he wasn't in the picture is he worth finding?? Or that side of the grandparents? Could they help some?

If your daughter is upsetting your son this much I strongly suggest you get a court order keeping her away. Do you have a CASA office in your town? They work for the children and are great. It can be a temporary order but you must keep your grandson safe and from having her manipulate his mind with all of her nonsense - that will really destroy him and boys (I have one) tend to not exhibit what they are feeling inside too well until it is too late or much later in life.

Good luck my dear - you're in my thoughts and prayers. And keep posting
Take care

Last edited by moderator2; 11-05-2007 at 10:30 AM. Reason: discussing what's not allowed is not allowed

 
Old 11-05-2007, 07:51 AM   #8
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Re: How Do I Handle This??

thank river. The child's father just visits him every few years. He lives with another woman, is poor and has never paid any child support. The child's grandfather lives far away with his girlfriend, 52. So my GSon was born with 2 dysfunctional parents. My daughter told me, "I want a baby; my friends all have one." So she got PG and then kicked the guy out. So far I don't need a restraining order because my daughter has no transportation; her car was impounded. She just called again and her phone "went out" whatever that always means. Her dad has a couple hundred acres with a vacant house on it and he won't even consider letting her go there. That is how destructive she is.
I'm sure my husband will get a restraining order if she comes out here at all hours. We won't move away, though. WE are settled in this house that we love and my husband has his regular activities here. An unlisted phone # sounds great, though. thanks so much.
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Last edited by moderator2; 11-05-2007 at 10:31 AM. Reason: please do not quote posting policy violations so that you are not also banned

 
Old 11-05-2007, 08:48 AM   #9
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river525 HB User
Re: How Do I Handle This??

Quote:
Originally Posted by SusanGene View Post
thank river. The child's father just visits him every few years. He lives with another woman, is poor and has never paid any child support. The child's grandfather lives far away with his girlfriend, 52. So my GSon was born with 2 dysfunctional parents. My daughter told me, "I want a baby; my friends all have one." So she got PG and then kicked the guy out. So far I don't need a restraining order because my daughter has no transportation; her car was impounded. She just called again and her phone "went out" whatever that always means. Her dad has a couple hundred acres with a vacant house on it and he won't even consider letting her go there. That is how destructive she is.
I'm sure my husband will get a restraining order if she comes out here at all hours. We won't move away, though. WE are settled in this house that we love and my husband has his regular activities here. An unlisted phone # sounds great, though. thanks so much.
oops what I really meant to ask was do you have legal guardianship for your grandson? Whether it be temporary or permanent - that way if he has a medical emergency, etc you can sign the necessary documents, etc.

BUT>>>>a restraining order is something we ended up having to do also.

Keep strong and take care

 
Old 11-05-2007, 08:53 AM   #10
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SusanGene HB User
Re: How Do I Handle This??

no. His mother refuses to sign anything this time. For the 2nd grade she did but now she won't. The school didn't bat an eyelash. They have a big file on him .
Of course, we could do the lawyer thing. Thanks.
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Old 11-08-2007, 09:19 AM   #11
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Re: How Do I Handle This??

I feel your pain. My drug of choice was crack. As a recovering addict, I can assure you the stranglehold of addiction is so powerful that the user loses all concept of life and begins to live for the drug. The drug makes the user numb, a hollow soul. The saddest part is there seems to be no way out once you find yourself in this situation. Unfortunately, some users never quit. But, there are also those who have won the battle. The first step falls upon the user and until they take this step no one can help. They must first accept responsibilty for their actions and reach out for help. Everyone that is affected by their behavior is given no other choice than wait it out.
I am today faced with my sister's addiction to crack. I tried to help her quit, and I have lost that battle. I, too, have to wait it out. I have agreed to go as witness against her in family court for the safety of her children. I do not know if the judge will "take it well" to learn about my past. I do not want to do this to her or the kids, but my conscience tells me I have to. If something tragic happens to those children, I can never forgive myself if I refuse to testify. My family doesn't understand why I feel I must do this. But, I don't understand how they can sit back and do nothing. They say she will lose the kids forever, but I disagree. That threat is an excuse. The real issue is she doesn't want to give up the crack or the kids. However, that is not acceptable. The kids have been abandoned on several occasions as she goes on her binges. They are in danger. I know she will use this as another excuse to continue using. She will add me to her list of people "who made her do it". If I didn't care, I could look the other way and let what happens happen. But, I do care and I love these people.
I will say prayers to all of us who are faced with the burden of addiction -- the user and their loved ones. God bless.

 
Old 11-08-2007, 09:35 AM   #12
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SusanGene HB User
Re: How Do I Handle This??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sodapop68 View Post
I feel your pain. My drug of choice was crack. As a recovering addict, I can assure you the stranglehold of addiction is so powerful that the user loses all concept of life and begins to live for the drug. The drug makes the user numb, a hollow soul. The saddest part is there seems to be no way out once you find yourself in this situation. Unfortunately, some users never quit. But, there are also those who have won the battle. The first step falls upon the user and until they take this step no one can help. They must first accept responsibilty for their actions and reach out for help. Everyone that is affected by their behavior is given no other choice than wait it out.
I am today faced with my sister's addiction to crack. I tried to help her quit, and I have lost that battle. I, too, have to wait it out. I have agreed to go as witness against her in family court for the safety of her children. I do not know if the judge will "take it well" to learn about my past. I do not want to do this to her or the kids, but my conscience tells me I have to. If something tragic happens to those children, I can never forgive myself if I refuse to testify. My family doesn't understand why I feel I must do this. But, I don't understand how they can sit back and do nothing. They say she will lose the kids forever, but I disagree. That threat is an excuse. The real issue is she doesn't want to give up the crack or the kids. However, that is not acceptable. The kids have been abandoned on several occasions as she goes on her binges. They are in danger. I know she will use this as another excuse to continue using. She will add me to her list of people "who made her do it". If I didn't care, I could look the other way and let what happens happen. But, I do care and I love these people.
I will say prayers to all of us who are faced with the burden of addiction -- the user and their loved ones. God bless.
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Old 11-08-2007, 09:48 AM   #13
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Re: How Do I Handle This??

sodapop, my daughter left the state where she was smoking it and her boyfriend drove her 25 miles from where we live to his mother's. My DD refused to go to rehab so the mother dropped her off at the bus depot. She called her dad who called me and demanded I find her a cheap apt and he'd pay half (right) but she found one for $300 all bills paid. She moved in yesterday. It's furnished with a view of downtown and very quiet. I gave her lots of blankets and some food and ten dollars. My H gave her $20. She has an old friend here, a sweet guy in an electric wheelchair who she made instant contact with; he lives near her apt. I like this guy but he has a monthly stash of pills. ))-; She spent the day with him and went to a job interview yesterday (restaurant hostess); she has no car. It is still back in another state. She also signed a custody agreement for us for her son, 9, for the school year. There is a little bus that can pick her up and take her to a 2 hr NA type meeting once per week and drop her back at the apt. So at this moment all is ok. We only need a judge and/or lawyer if she attempts to keep her son but she is fine with us doing that job. And it IS a job. The only real problem evolving now is she thinks she will get to keep him each weekend but my H says no way. She walks the streets at night and hangs out with this guy and it just isn't wholesome. It isn't illegal or immoral it just doesn't ring true to us even though it's a real small town. So I threatened her with CPS and she backed off real quick.
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