My daughter’s father is a recovering addict and is currently in a half way house. He started with heroin and quit that and replaced it with oxy's and replaced that with vodka. He was a heroin addict for 10 years and has yet to find anything to replace that ultimate high that he received from shooting up. He is a wonderful person when he isn’t under the influence or detoxing though. We have been back and forth for six years.
We have been in many physical altercations and has lost his temper on numerous occasions. We really do love each other and I find it extremely scary to try to make it work with him again now that our daughter is 5 and understands and comprehends more.
I have tried to move on and have dated these last couple of years with nothing to show but heartache. I haven’t told him that I have seen anybody else because he will kill himself.
What I’m asking is….should I try to make this work with him (take another chance) now that he has been clean for 6 months or should I continue to live lonely?
ive been on and off heroin for the best part of my life. i had a long period clean (of heroin - though i habituall smoked weed - took other drugs - though not to the extent/detriment i did heroin) about 10years. i relapsed 3 years ago and apart from going through a rough mental time due to my mother becoming seriously ill (the reason behind my relapse) - i had everything to stay clean for - great job,nice house, beautiful wife - who'd just found out she was pregnant. to cut a really long story short - i split with my wife, we are now back together - but only after a long time free of heroin. she stuck by me - but she wanted/needed to see me make the effort.
if you love him and think it can work then go for it - but dont be a push over - you have to tell him that its GOT to change - and for the right reasons He's got to really realise that he's got everything to gain from staying clean. i wish i could verbalise/type my feelings a bit clearer. i knwo that love can help beat a habbit - but i also know how much hurt an addict can cause to a family. maybe if i think about this for a while i may have some cleare explanation/answers for you. i'll post back soon. i hope this hasnt confused you too much. hang in there and keep us posted to whats going on.
back soon-ish
yoss22
keep on keepin on
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yoss
"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."
Thank you so much for your response. Congratulations for staying clean and making a productive life for yourself. This, I would have to say has been one of the hardest things that I have ever been through. He is my first real love and I honestly don’t believe that I will ever find anyone that loves me, honors the little things that I do and accepts my bazaar family. (Which is really hard to do.) I miss talking to him although I do not tell anyone because of our history. He has become physical with me several times and is very controlling but I love him. I don’t know if I forgive so easily because I was a foster child and never knew what unconditional love felt like.
He is also my precious daughter’s father. She is very mature for her age and is okay with visiting daddy in the hospital. She doesn’t know details but knows that daddy like to drink and brings me the bottles that he hides under her bed. I guess that I have been the ‘wife’ for so long and just want to cook for somebody!! Lol I know that that sounds stupid but, my daughter deserves a father figure and I’m ready for a brother or sister for her. I know that I should move on for her sake, (she has endured enough) but I’m loosing my tolerance for the amount of tolerance that I’m suppose to tolerate!!
I don’t know if I should try again and risk hurting our daughter any more or move on and compare every man that I meet to him! I know that I’m not making any sense and rambling but I’m just lost…
You are one in a million and i have absolutley no doubt in my mind that there are plenty of men out there who would love you unconditionally, put up with you family, love your daughter - and MOST importantly! never EVER get 'physical' with you. You're worth way more than this. Once domestic violence starts - it doesnt just dissapear - it gets worse! I know. I watched my father get worse. You dont want your daughter to see/live with this - its amazing how long that sort of stuff stays with you - 30 yrs on and im still 'dealing' with it. You wish/hope for your man to 'come back' and be the guy you fell in love with - i wanted my father to come back and love me like other kids dads did. How long do you wait? Until he's been more physical? Controlling! - this isnt an aspect of love that you'll find in most relationships. You and your daughter dont need this! she may need a father figure - but im pretty dammned sure that you're the best/strongest mother that your daughter could ever wish for. You need to take a massive step back from your feelings/emotions and look at this situation from the outside (like i am trying to) - i know this is a dificult thing to do. My mum was foolishly guided by the church into staying in her marriage and to take it. 15 years of abuse. she never recovered from it. she is now dying in a home aged 63.
i would normally give as neutral advice as possible in this situation as i wouldnt ever want to advise someone to 'make the break' from a loved one. But! in 2 posts you mention the word 'physical' twice and the word 'controlling' - this isnt the kind of love you need or deserve. At the end of the day its your decision and no one elses.
As for being lonely - someone who can openly talk/type the way you have in your posts - im sure will not be lonely for too long - though if you're looking for mr right - why rush - he is out there. You just need to be strong. And if for some reason your ex decides that he's gonna 'make things right' - you want to see a whole LOT of proof before you even think about going out on a date with him - clean for a year at least - if he loves you he will - if he's a liar, then get him to do screens twice a week for you and your daughters sake. just be careful and dont confusion your emotions - dont settle for a life of possible hurt when you could have so much more.
i'm ranting now - i can tell! im sorry if i've over stepped the mark - but i feel that you posted here to hear the truth. and i just hope my words can somhow make a difference in your life
i really do feel for you. be strong.
post back soon
keep on keepin on
yoss22
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yoss
"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."
I gotta chime in here. I am a daughter of an alcoholic, addict. Now I'm an addict too. Though I thought I'd never be like him so I chose the prescription drugs that they gave me over ten years ago for a broken rib. Growing up I always said I understood. I always told my mom what she wanted to hear because I was afraid. I watched my dad come back again and again saying that this time will be different. It was for a while, once even for a year. I started to get mad at her, maybe I was too afraid of him because he would beat her all the time. I couldn't stand it. And she kept taking him back until I was 13. It started when I was four. I by that time had given up. Thought I was going to end up motherless because of him. It did not happen that way. She got us out, for me it was a little too late because it started with me by then. I left when I was 17, I thought if I made myself "sick" they would see what they were doing to me. They were still going back and f'orth. Anyway, it didn't work, the only good thing was that I got away. Though my father never talks to me anymore, that's ok.
As for you comparing other guys to him, it's hard, my best friend is in a similar situation. I would like to tell you that my mom and I have a great relationship now and she is remarried to wonderful guy who could not be any nicer. I love him. Wish he was around years ago. My dad was her first love. Her parents didn't know what unconditional love was either. For my mom it took lots of time. Lots and lots of time. She waited for a prince to come knocking on her door. But that is only in fairy tales. My dad remarried and she lost it!!!! I mean lost it!!!!!! By that time I was 16 they were still going to court over child support, custody whatever they could find to fight over. But it took my mom time to get over him.
Now she's happier than ever. I am telling my story because I watched my mom take my dad back over and over again with all these promises that kept being broken. I really started to believe he would kill her so I started to lie to her to keep her happy.
I would talk to your daughter now, have her draw how she feels going to see daddy, how she feels with him home, with him not home. You can get alot out of drawings. Kids seem to make an impact with art and there feelings at this age. I do it for the girl I nanny for when she gets upset. I choose different things and compare the pictures. Sometimes it breaks my heart to how sad she is at mommy going to work but by the end of the day she doesn't want me to leave. They have a very different background then me, and it's hard to watch a loving family. But in my own little way I feel a part of it since I have been with them since the seven year old was 8 months old. Sorry for the book, i tend to get carried away.
Thank you both for your responses. Captnanny, you really made me think. I know that kids mimic what they adapted to as children and that’s probably why I stayed with him for so long. See, my mother’s bf was an addict that liked to verbally and physically abuse me and my three siblings. I took to that role of the ‘caregiver’ at an early age. I learned that that was normal and I do not want my daughter to grow up believing that’s okay.
I read my previous posts and didn’t like the way that I presented myself. I do not pity myself nor do I want people to pity me. I do not feel as though I am a victim and I am not always depressed. I have done quite well for being a 22 year old single mother. I am young but am pretty structured and not really a partying type. I recently went to a club for the first time! Lol..Although I feel asleep on the speaker. I have a full time job working in the corporate office of a five star automobile dealership. I have a nice apartment/I’m good looking and just bought a car with out child support or any help.
Today is our daughters 5th birthday and she is having THREE parties….Iam incredibly exhausted from making over 50 cupcakes last night. Anyway, I tend to focus all of my attention on her which is good but, I would like some adult time as well.
Yossarian22- I’m sorry to hear that about your mother. Have you ever become violent while detoxing? The reason why we became physical most of the time was because I was detoxing him at home because no matter where he was sent to, they would put him on other medications and become addicted to them. I understand that you should be put on something while detoxing because of the risk of having seizers but, at that point in time I knew that he would be able to survive a detox at home as long as I held his meds. I had his meds/he was detoxing…so theres where that went.
It’s hard for people to understand as they think that heroin attics are monsters or zombies but they are real people…he is my family and he has a beautiful mind. He is incredibly smart just a bad sense of direction. He has changed with in the last couple of years and has really cooled down but it’s hard to keep up with his moods. When he is high, he has energy and is happy. When he drinks, he is emotional/depressed and angry. When he is sober all together, he is easily agitated but for the most part, wonderful and loving. He is a great dad. He loves her terribly and I think that it took a lot of guts to say, “I don’t want you or her to see me like this so I have to admit myself”. I’m trying but I just get lonely and find myself getting hurt because I’m no fun! Lol I am boring….but that’s just the way that I am…
in answer to your question - i have never had a problem with violence whilst under the influence of 'drugs' - i can get quite aggressive after alcohol - if ifeel provoked. i find it hard to think of why anyone would become agitated during detox? its during this time that you need 'ALL' the help you can get!? you feel helpless/pitiful/weak etc and at most maybe need some time alone. but not aggression. thats my point of view - you may get six posts from people now saying the opposite - but as a heroin addict who knows a lot of heroin addicts - i have never come across this type of behaviour.
it all depends on you really. how long have you taken/put up with the abuse? how long do you truthfully think it will go on? how long can you put up with it?
do you think you'll ever be able to walk away? how much do you think your daughter notices? do you think he will change? do you think it will last? do you think the aggresson/violence will subside? do you think you and your daughter deserve more/better?
the list could go on - and i could tell you 'yes leave him' or 'no stay with him' as i can see good reasons for both. but at the end of the day you KNOW what to do in your heart i think -you need to weigh it all up.
you will not be lonely 4 long - if thats what you're apprehensive about! a good looking career girl who is also a great mother!?!!?!?! if i was 10 years younger - i'd be on the next plane over the pond
i hope this has helped - keep us posted with whats going on?!
a problem shared is a problem halved etc
yoss22
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yoss
"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."
I have to agree with all of Yoss's post. Those are great questions to ask yourself. Also imagine your sibling, best friend in the same kind of situation, what would you sa to someone else. What would you have said to your mom? Your daughter is five, I know he loves her, but you can love someone and still have problems. I know that addicts are not monsters or demons. The addiction or drugs are. They also can be a symptom of an underlying issue. You said he gets angry while detoxing, maybe he has pent up anger that he is not aware of and he would explode and continue to until he talks about it.
I would urge you to think about the year sober thing. Ask yourself all the questions Yoss posted and look at your daughter, is she happy talking about him? Does her facial expression change? All clues to what you need to consider for yourself and her.
any disputes about my post please let me know, Im not here to offend anyone.
