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Old 01-05-2008, 06:46 AM   #1
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AMMAW HB User
Unhappy New at Al-Anon - Alcohol in my 18 year marriage

I'm almost 58 years olds. Today is my first meeting with Al-Anon. My husband has been drinking his entire life (he is 65) and I have been an enabler because I just talked about leaving and never did.

I left home the day after thanksgiving and my hubby finally checked himself in to the hospital for medical detox. I guess I grew a backbone because my sister was here for the holiday and at 11:30pm the Friday nite after thanksgiving, she picked up her purse and said she was traveling back home and would never return. My husband was being obnoxious, as usual, but I had always tried to smooth things out and cover up things. This time I didn't. I simply apologized to her and that was when she said she was leaving. I told her to wait for a second. I went and got my purse and toothbrush and left when she did. I haven't been back. I am staying with my son a few miles from my home and I work so that has been my salvation.

The following day I went back and retrieved some of my neccessities. He is in AA now, but I am not so sure where his heart is.

After he got out of the hospital, the 1st thing he said to me was "I hope you are happy". "I went". Now let's go to dinner and I still don't know why I can have a beer with my meal.

I think he has finally come to the realization that I am not coming home and living that life any longer. He was also addicted to prescriptions pain meds, which he would mix with his booze. That made for a pretty site.

If any of you have been where I have been or where I am, I would love to hear from you. It's nice sometimes to hear someone say....I know where you are. Thanks, if you have taken the time to read this. There is so many more issues, but this is helping just by typing what I have. Thank you all.

 
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Old 01-05-2008, 07:14 AM   #2
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Re: New at Al-Anon - Alcohol in my 18 year marriage

I must have dyslexia bec the first time I saw your username and that you were from CLT, I could have sworn it said "Mamaw"!

First, I am so proud of you! Now, stay strong and stick to your guns. You are worthy of a joyous life on sane terms. So do not settle for anything except a complete committment to sobriety. Demonstrated. If your son doesn't mind, stay with him long-term and ensure your husband knows you are just FINE staying with him.

Since you said you had enabled him, I'm going to take that tactic with you and tell you my opinion is to end that for good. Take the "it's either the booze or me" and then stick to it.

My brother, who I adore, has been on/off sober for years. (he's 49). The hardest thing i've done (besides trust him and then get let down again and again, including my wedding day) is say, "Until you make healthier choices I can not be in contact with you."

My father was alive then and actually told me "someone needed to say it".

He went to rehab (in patient and then half-way house) for a YEAR last year and then started up again 3 months later.

My sis-in-law has actually divorced him to protect herself and her credit but he's back in the house since he was sober when he moved back in. He's obnoxious but thankfully not violent.

Of course, I'm one to talk, I'm addicted to pain medicine.

you're not alone and I will pray for your continued strength. i've got to believe your sister will help you anyway she can and is also very proud of you.

Live YOUR life.

 
Old 01-05-2008, 12:19 PM   #3
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Smile Re: New at Al-Anon - Alcohol in my 18 year marriage

Thank you so much for your reply. I went to my first meeting today and I intend to continue. I met an elderly gentleman there who has been attending al-anon for 32 years and his wife has been attending AA for 32 years.

It was an amazing day and I received some great reading material. My prayers are with you and your family and hope that 2008 will be a better one for us all.

My husband was not only drinking these last 3 or 4 years but was mixing vodka with hydrocodone, zanex and ultrasets. When I would get home from work, he didn't have a clue what day it was or barely knew who I was. He had always told me that he would never quit drinking and that he was not an alcoholic. He also showed me the door and told me not to let it knock me in the butt on the way out. I really don't think he ever thought I would really do it. What am I saying? I never thought I would do it.

I did and I am glad I did. He did infact go into the hospital for medical detoxing and he has been in an out patient recovery group. I'm not so sure if being an out patient is the right thing, but this is what he chose, as I chose not to be there any longer.

Gotta run. Thanks again for your encouragement and kind words. I wish you and your family nothing but the best. I hope to hear from you again.

Thanks, Ammaw

 
Old 01-06-2008, 02:36 AM   #4
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Re: New at Al-Anon - Alcohol in my 18 year marriage

You sound so positive and I'm glad. It's so empowering to take care of yourself.

Your husband is downright destructive and I'm glad you have left him behind. What he chooses to do, past or present is just that -- his choice. I'm so glad you are in a safe and healthy situation now. Al Anon sounds like a safe haven and I'm proud of you. Those people will gladly encircle you and keep you pointing forward.

I also pray for you and yours and thank you for your prayers - we can use them, too...

 
Old 01-06-2008, 06:16 AM   #5
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Re: New at Al-Anon - Alcohol in my 18 year marriage

Thanks once again for your reply and kind words. If it's okay, I will keep you posted.

 
Old 01-06-2008, 06:27 AM   #6
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Re: New at Al-Anon - Alcohol in my 18 year marriage

Of course it's ok - we want to know how you're doing!

 
Old 01-06-2008, 09:36 AM   #7
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Re: New at Al-Anon - Alcohol in my 18 year marriage

Hi Ammaw,

I hope it's okay to jump in on your post. I just wanted to say that, having read your story about your hubby, I think I might finally be ready to call time on my relationship with my mum. She has drunk all my life - I'm 34 now. My father was an alcoholic and died when I was eight. My mum remarried when I was eleven - another alcoholic. I have been around it my whole life and I'm just about at the end of my rope. I've not been in touch with my mum for a while now but I still feel sorry for her and make excuses for her behaviour to other people. I see what you mean about 'enabling' - I guess all the time I 'let it slide' I'm really making the problem worse?

So thank you - there are a couple of things she did last year that I should have gone to the police about and didn't. Perhaps now I ought to. I feel stronger for reading your words (and DroopyEyes) and think that maybe I have been too forgiving for too long.

I hope you're doing okay. Thanks for sharing your story.

 
Old 01-07-2008, 04:41 PM   #8
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Thumbs up Re: New at Al-Anon - Alcohol in my 18 year marriage

Hi Picali....Please feel free to write when you wish. I am so sorry to hear of your problem. I can't begin to imagine what it would be like for my parents to have been drinkers. My heart goes out to you. I must say that I had a wonderful childhood

I went to my first al-anon meeting Saturday. It was very enlightening. I am definately going back. They have some really good reading material and are a really good support group.

I know that we feel and are the victims. I was going to a meeting tonight and I just feel apart. I cried so hard, it was impossible to go and let people see me like that. My thoughts are......I shouldn't have to be going to this meeting, if it wasn't for my husband and his alcohol addiction. But then, I guess that is what Al-Anon is all about. They help you get through this and continue to reinforce the fact that we are not to blame. My hubby thinks I am the one with the problems. Whatever!

If you haven't already been to the website, there is a worldwide phone number...800-344-3666 or go to [url]www.al-anon.org/members[/url]

Take care. My prayers go out to you and yours. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Ammaw

 
Old 01-09-2008, 04:02 PM   #9
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eric's ma HB User
Re: New at Al-Anon - Alcohol in my 18 year marriage

Hello Ammaw

My sister was married to someone who sounds exactly like your husband. She was married for 32 years. She stayed till she was an emotional wreck. The straw that broke the camels back was him being very mean to one of her grandchildren. She packed a bag right then and left.
Her husband went into treatment then also but not for the right reasons, he went because he thought he would get her back. Well she resisted his insisting she return because he wasn't drinking. Two months later he was drinking as if he never stopped.
She too attended alanon and continues to do so today. She has told me many times that it saved her sanity. I know she would tell you that to wait before you make any major decisions because you and your husband are both just begining the journey into sober living. She told me even in alanon they told her to just keep bringing the body around that the mind would catch up.
I am glad you have taken your self out of your sitituation, take care of your self. Get yourself healthy and happy the rest will come around.

Eric's Ma

 
Old 01-12-2008, 03:50 AM   #10
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Smile Re: New at Al-Anon - Alcohol in my 18 year marriage

Good Morning,

Thanks for your notes of encouragement. It seems that God sent this message to me in the nick of time. I have been getting weak; just because I miss my home and all the things in it and because I feel like I need to be there to help him through his recovery.

Your note may have save me a lot of grief. I guess because my hubby is 65 years old and has health issues anyway, I feel bad not being there for him. My heart and my head work differently.

I think you just cleared things up for me. Thanks again. I needed that! ! !

Last edited by AMMAW; 01-12-2008 at 03:52 AM.

 
Old 01-13-2008, 03:09 PM   #11
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runic HB User
Re: New at Al-Anon - Alcohol in my 18 year marriage

Hang in there girl...Trust me it gets easier..... blessed be........

 
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