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Old 01-14-2008, 01:07 PM   #1
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Question Is There *Situational* Hard Drug Use??

I'm not trying to make light of my daughter's long term drug problems. I just want to know if there exists drug abuse that comes and goes according to life situations and that can eventually stop.
She is 42 and has a son, 9. He has been with us since October of 2007.
She appears to be clean now. It seems to be based on how a particular man is reacting to her. Whether or not he is attentive, saying they "have a future", saying he loves her or if he's distant towards her. He lives 300 miles from her. This happened 3 years ago with an ex-boyfriend also. Today she told me she "made a bad mistake" and she wants her son back in May. (we do not have legal custody, just a piece of paper she signed). Her sister kept him when he was 8 due to drug use based on this particular boyfriend. I know it's a serious situation or we wouldn't have her son but is it Possible that she could stay clean? I don't want to be irresponsible or gullible in believing her that she's ok now only to once again have the family have to go and get her son. He loves his mother and he's a very good kid to say the least. He says he wants to be with her if she's sober but we never know how long it will last. I am finding that the "experts" feel if a mother is abusing drugs EVER she should therefore lose custody of her children for good. Her father is a Ph.d and he told her she should "be ashamed that your mother has your son. This is a disgrace and it's Your job to raise him, not Susan's." Anyone?
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Old 01-14-2008, 03:25 PM   #2
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Re: Is There *Situational* Hard Drug Use??

It sounds like she is the typical addict, who can stay clean for months at a time, but when something bad happens in their life, they turn back to that mental relief they know, their drug of choice.
Has she been in any counseling? Thats probably what it will take, for her too learn new healthier ways to cope with life's little crisis and make better decisions. She also has to really want it too...staying clean that is.
It sounds like perhaps relationship problems are her big trigger too, and that's a very common reason for addicts to relapse....emotional upsets. There are all types of different programs out there too, like the 12 step programs, or REBT type, which worked better for me. I learned some great tools through REBT help groups, which really changed the way I think about things.
Maybe you could try "bargaining" with your daughter, for the welfare of everyone. Perhaps try to get her to agree to see a shrink, with random drug testing (which many shrinks will do, since many work with addiction), and whatever else you feel would be adequate to keep your grandson safe, and keep your daughter on track, and give you piece of mind.
A new(ish) 300 mile relationship probably has a low chance of success too, so probably the sooner she can get some help the better, if she's willing to do so. The right relationship could probably help so much, and that's another thing she can perhaps learn in counceling. Sometimes it helps to hear a stranger say, "hey, you're doing this wrong".
You sound like a wonderful Mom, and she's lucky to have you!! With your help she has a chance if she's willing to work at it. Best regards

mano

 
Old 01-14-2008, 04:14 PM   #3
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Re: Is There *Situational* Hard Drug Use??

susangene, of course my son is only 21 not 42. but i can relate a little bit..mano is correct an addict is an addict is an addict etc..etc.....it is about the coping skills.. im learning alot on this board..you dont have to be using everyday and laying on a street somewhere begging for drugs..its about the addict brain and about rationalizing.. for my son, yes he will go to drugs when things are bad and he doesnt know how to handle it..but he was also go to them when things are good and hes happy..always a reason and an excuse..im sure you know what im talking about..the relationship is not a good thing in her life right now, but she doesnt see that. I really think their has to be some outside help, pdoc, therapy, outpatient something, anything at all. it might not stop her but it could be a deterrent along the way..thats how im looking at it now.

 
Old 01-14-2008, 04:32 PM   #4
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Re: Is There *Situational* Hard Drug Use??

Thanks for your reply , mano. She has been in and out of NA and AA for two years, mostly doing it for the guy who's trying to stay clean. She speaks highly of these groups but I don't think her heart's in it. I don't think she feels she's "one of them." And #1 is to admit you have a problem. I've not spoken in depth with her about it-she'd get mad and I'd be so irritated since she has mental problems not related to drugs also. She is Determined to get this man to the altar and is willing to put up with Any behavior on his part to do it. So sad since he has serious health problems and is admittedly not monogamous.
Has she had counseling. No. She recently saw a psychiatrist because she couldn't stop crying and he put her on Cymbalta and that was it. Her dad told me that (this is very negative) she has such a long-term ingrained manner of dealing with Life that she can't be cured. She has never asked me to pay for counseling, strangely enough. Maybe it would be too painful to face her problems and experiences. Maybe there's no hope.
I appreciate your insight. I had no idea this was "typical addict" behavior.
But looking at this man and seeing how he has struggled with addiction since sixth grade it makes sense. Two years ago he ended up in New Orleans on the way to a liquor store in Texas and had no memory of how he got there or where he was when he woke up.
The first night my GSon was here I asked him the main difference he was feeling and he said, "safe."
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Old 01-14-2008, 04:48 PM   #5
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Re: Is There *Situational* Hard Drug Use??

Quote:
Originally Posted by jules3 View Post
susangene, of course my son is only 21 not 42. but i can relate a little bit..mano is correct an addict is an addict is an addict etc..etc.....it is about the coping skills.. im learning alot on this board..you dont have to be using everyday and laying on a street somewhere begging for drugs..its about the addict brain and about rationalizing.. for my son, yes he will go to drugs when things are bad and he doesnt know how to handle it..but he was also go to them when things are good and hes happy..always a reason and an excuse..im sure you know what im talking about..the relationship is not a good thing in her life right now, but she doesnt see that. I really think their has to be some outside help, pdoc, therapy, outpatient something, anything at all. it might not stop her but it could be a deterrent along the way..thats how im looking at it now.
thanks, Jules. You're so right. She has been extremely depressed and upset since she met this man 2 years ago but she only brings up the good times.
Sure, they had lots of fun together going to clubs and drinking iced tea and hearing music. But those things didn't send her off to drugs. His running off to get away from her did. They have drugs in common and I guess it is the thread that she THINKS is holding them together. Everyone sees they're Not together at all but if he just Says they are she believes it even without seeing him. She is getting so much worse even while sober. Her son is more mature at nine than she is. She talks like getting her dog back is more important to her than her son.
I wonder if pot is really the substance that gets all this started and ruins lives. The "gateway drug." Either that or it was put in the wrong hands in 1980. I feel like you, Jules; I'm in a bad dream.
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Old 01-14-2008, 05:09 PM   #6
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Re: Is There *Situational* Hard Drug Use??

She knows her son is in good hands and thats probably why she doesnt put up a fight for him...He is better off with you until or if she gets her act together..As for the guy, i never could understand why somebody would want somebody else if they knew they werent really loved or needed by that person.. self-esteem??

 
Old 01-15-2008, 06:56 AM   #7
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Unhappy Re: Is There *Situational* Hard Drug Use??

Quote:
Originally Posted by jules3 View Post
She knows her son is in good hands and thats probably why she doesnt put up a fight for him...He is better off with you until or if she gets her act together..As for the guy, i never could understand why somebody would want somebody else if they knew they werent really loved or needed by that person.. self-esteem??

Yes, if she gets it together. A big "if." Again, awaiting the arrival of Prince Charming she's in pretty good spirits. Now we'll see what she does if he doesn't show up.
She does have a low self-esteem. She's cute so I can only guess it comes from her father's loud verbal abuse he dished out for years, terrorizing all of us when she did something pretty unacceptable like letting her friend drain all of the diesel out of his tractor. I guess he could have merely said, "I'm sorry you did that" because she was "ungroundable." That is, she refused to be grounded, simply leaving after we were asleep. She was the main cause of the divorce but I didn't realize it then. Her sister just avoided her as best she could and went off to college. She actually would inform friends of any musical instruments my ex kept in our barn and they'd come get them and try to pawn them. You have ten years or more of this behavior and you feel you've lost control of your mind and your life. So he'd scream and yell and she has been blaming Him ever since for her drug use. I've wondered if she would ever start writing guys serving time in prison but she never did. Next best thing is her now "boyfriend" served seven years.
Both of them have warrants out in 2 states at least but they've managed to avoid arrest. Nice chatting!
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Old 01-15-2008, 08:36 AM   #8
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Re: Is There *Situational* Hard Drug Use??

Susan,

Hon, what I'm saying to you, I'm saying out of love for you and concern for your daughter. You cannot save her. A man cannot save her. Her son cannot save her. Only she can do it, and she has to be willing to do what it takes to stay clean. First and foremost, her dad needs to quit putting her down. As an addict my self esteem was completely shot, and those words of how I was weak or shameful really sunk in. Your daughter may get mad, but the truth is, what he says is only reinforcing what she thinks about herself. And this thing about her being too broken to fix is BS. I've seen people who were living on the streets get clean, and who are really working to stay that way. On the other hand, you cannot bet your grandchild's life on her getting clean. And hon, I'm telling you now, if her sobriety depends on some guy, it isn't going to last. Those meetings are great, I would have died or been in jail without them, but I had to do it for ME or it wouldn't be working. Also, it would worry me the situations she would put her son in just to be with this guy.

I wanted to quit for so long, and I tried numerous times and ways and just couldn't do it alone. Addiction isn't logical. Most nonaddicts think "if it causes you so many problems, why don't you just stop"? Hell, I asked myself that question, and I just could not stop by myself. Your daughter may love her son more than air, and she may be a very good person, and she may very well have mental issues, but she has a problem and SHE has to find a way to deal with that problem other than using drugs. All you can really do is love her and not enable what she's doing and take care of that grandbaby. Try to get her to go into an inpatient treatment program, then do counselling and meetings with random tests. I would make sure that she's serious about staying clean before I turned that baby over. As a mom, I love my children and don't know how I'd breathe without them, but if I go back out there and start using, they should be taken away for THEIR protection. Not because I ever beat them or used the grocery money for drugs and made them go hungry. I never did those things, but there were times I was pilled up out of my mind and drove them to school or the store. I wasn't as attentive as I should've been, and the truth is, they deserve so much more than I was able to give them at that time, and so it your grandson.

Yes, if your daughter does what it takes to get clean, she is going to have to deal with a lot of past issues, but you know what, she's dealing with them now, just not in a positive way and not in a way that will lessen their impact on her and all those around. She will have to be taught how to deal with those, and her dad needs to be taught how not to create even more of those issues for her to deal with. If he can't just love her without his stinging comments, then he can help her most by staying away from her.

As for you, my dear, you may look into narconon. And it wouldn't be a bad idea for the child to, as well. Kids always have a way of finding how all bad things are their fault. He needs to understand that his mom is sick. This didn't happen because he did somethng wrong or because she doesn't love him. And you need to understand that too.

Sending lots of prayers and love your way,
RTBD

 
Old 01-15-2008, 09:23 AM   #9
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Re: Is There *Situational* Hard Drug Use??

Quote:
Originally Posted by ReadyToBeDone View Post
Susan,

Hon, what I'm saying to you, I'm saying out of love for you and concern for your daughter. You cannot save her. A man cannot save her. Her son cannot save her. Only she can do it, and she has to be willing to do what it takes to stay clean. First and foremost, her dad needs to quit putting her down.

>> Her dad tells her she cannot come to his house. Is that putting her down?
Believe me when I tell you that one night with her and your blood pressure has skyrocketed. She is not a quiet, compliant addict. She is aggressive, insulting, sneaks around going thru your drawers, reads your emails & bank statements in the middle of the night, takes things. Neither I nor my H nor her son want her over here either.>>



As an addict my self esteem was completely shot, and those words of how I was weak or shameful really sunk in. Your daughter may get mad, but the truth is, what he says is only reinforcing what she thinks about herself. And this thing about her being too broken to fix is BS.

<< It could very well be BS. I "tend" to believe him 'cause he is a Ph.d and has worked with addicts for 40 years. He says she's bipolar and borderline.>




I've seen people who were living on the streets get clean, and who are really working to stay that way. On the other hand, you cannot bet your grandchild's life on her getting clean. And hon, I'm telling you now, if her sobriety depends on some guy, it isn't going to last.

<<Of course not. In fact, the man in question dictates her moods and her drug use and he is bad for her WITH THE EXCEPTION of he lectures her on how she needs to go to AA everyday.>>



Those meetings are great, I would have died or been in jail without them, but I had to do it for ME or it wouldn't be working. Also, it would worry me the situations she would put her son in just to be with this guy.


<<worry is my middle name. She is a stalker, actually. He enjoys her calls.
Builds up his ego. But she's many hundreds of miles away from us and I cannot control what she does with her life or her body.>>





I wanted to quit for so long, and I tried numerous times and ways and just couldn't do it alone. Addiction isn't logical. Most nonaddicts think "if it causes you so many problems, why don't you just stop"? Hell, I asked myself that question, and I just could not stop by myself. Your daughter may love her son more than air, and she may be a very good person, and she may very well have mental issues, but she has a problem and SHE has to find a way to deal with that problem other than using drugs. All you can really do is love her and not enable what she's doing and take care of that grandbaby.


<<Her grandson is almost ten. I'm taking great care of him. I am not able to enable much since she's so far away but she does ask all of us for money constantly. For instance, her furniture and his toys are in storage and she gets her father and boyfriend to pay the fees.>>




Try to get her to go into an inpatient treatment program, then do counselling and meetings with random tests.

<<she would never agree to random testing. She has been to an inpatient treatment program 3 times last year (her boyfriend dropped her off). She hated it and left the second and third times after one day. >>




I would make sure that she's serious about staying clean before I turned that baby over.

<<agreed, although it is hard to judge seriousness over the phone.>>



As a mom, I love my children and don't know how I'd breathe without them, but if I go back out there and start using, they should be taken away for THEIR protection. Not because I ever beat them or used the grocery money for drugs and made them go hungry. I never did those things, but there were times I was pilled up out of my mind and drove them to school or the store.


<<driving under the influence of tranquilizers is something she did for years before she went to harder drugs. She had fender benders and usually had her son with her. In a small town it's hard to have a serious wreck.>>




I wasn't as attentive as I should've been, and the truth is, they deserve so much more than I was able to give them at that time, and so it your grandson.

Yes, if your daughter does what it takes to get clean, she is going to have to deal with a lot of past issues, but you know what, she's dealing with them now, just not in a positive way and not in a way that will lessen their impact on her and all those around. She will have to be taught how to deal with those, and her dad needs to be taught how not to create even more of those issues for her to deal with. If he can't just love her without his stinging comments, then he can help her most by staying away from her.


<<at age 68 and retired recently he is doing a great job of staying away from her totally. She still calls him. Sometimes he doesn't answer.>>





As for you, my dear, you may look into narconon. And it wouldn't be a bad idea for the child to, as well.


<<No, I don't want to hear other peoples' sad stories of dealing with their family addict. My grandson, however, has attended dozens of AA meetings and I have no idea if that was good or bad.>>



Kids always have a way of finding how all bad things are their fault. He needs to understand that his mom is sick. This didn't happen because he did somethng wrong or because she doesn't love him. And you need to understand that too.


<<I honestly do not believe he has Any notions that what she has done is his fault. I have Never heard him express anything that sounded like he blames himself. He Knows she's sick; he says so. He had private counseling in third grade w/a psychologist. My other daughter saw to it. Ideally he'd live with her but he doesn't get along with her son, 8, who is irritating and a menace. It drains her, she gets eczema and she has a nursing job. Plus, she says he is "not her business." She cannot stand her big sister and has nothing to do with her. Men and women in all directions seem to be plotting on how to get her out of their space. It must be a terrible way to live and I feel sorry for her because of it. But I can SO relate. As I said, this is not a passive, sad, quiet addict. She is more the shreeking redhead with her finger in a light socket.>>





Sending lots of prayers and love your way,

And lots of prayers and love to you also. Thanks.
RTBD
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Old 01-15-2008, 05:09 PM   #10
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Re: Is There *Situational* Hard Drug Use??

Excellent post ReadyToBeDone...I agree with every word of it!!

mano

 
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