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Old 02-25-2008, 11:46 AM   #1
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New Here - Hubby is Alcoholic

Since a lot of you are addicts or recovering, I thought I'd give it a shot to post about my situation and life problems. Sometimes I'm not sure whether or not to give my hubby this title. Our old counselor said he is a binge drinker. We have been to counseling 2 times over the 16 years of our relationship. He quits and starts, quits and starts. If he quits drinking, he has to take up smoking. It is always my fault. Saturday night we got into another fight. He showed up at 12:15 AM and couldn't get in the house (due to his own stupidity). He pounded the door so hard I thought he was going to knock it down. He was yelling at the top of his lungs. Of course this woke up my son. We got into an argument and he called me a dried up dead f***. That was the most hurtful thing he's ever said to me, which I might add just started recently. Christmas Eve he called me blah and boring. I went back to bed. We've never slept in the same bed because of his snoring. The next day I told him I was going back into counseling to figure out what to do with my life. He swallowed hard and just said ok. No apology whatsoever for what he said, which isn't out of the norm. God forbid him to say he's sorry for anything. I know I need counseling again and I don't want to jump ahead and do something stupid, but I'm seriously considering giving up on the relationship. We have a 20 month old child. I find myself already lying about where daddy is. He is a wonderful father and it tears my heart out to think about splitting up for that reason. He drinks 4-5 times per week. Most nights he doesn't come home until past son's bedtime, which ticks me off! Am I just wasting my time and money by going for help again or is it worth another shot? I know this time if he says he'll quit, its critical that he gets help or I'm done. I have so many stresses going on that sometimes I feel like it would be 1 burden off my back but I also dread the thought of being lonely. My father is dying of cancer, I just started a new job, blah blah blah. I feel like I'm running out of energy to deal with this. Please help with any advice.

 
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Old 02-25-2008, 06:14 PM   #2
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Re: New Here - Hubby is Alcoholic

The only thing that worked for me was "tough love" . 3-4 times a week is a definate alcoholic, not a binge drinker, there is a dif, sorry to say. How can he be a good daddy drinking that much-you have to ask yourself that and get real with your situation, sounds like you are off to a good start. Maybe some al-anon meetings would help you---you would be around people that are in the same boat as you, and you would get some awesome face to face support in how to deal with your H's alcoholism. I wish you luck and I am sorry this disease takes down yet another family.

~Angie the alki
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Old 02-26-2008, 08:25 PM   #3
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Re: New Here - Hubby is Alcoholic

Hi Hershey -

WOW, your story sounds like a carbon copy of mine. My husband of 38 years has been drinking EVERY night since we met. At first it was just a few drinks before dinner but over the years it has progressed to drinking approximately 12 ozs of Vodka before dinner. Naturally he falls asleep as soon as he eats. He too snores and we don't share a bedroom or anthing else in the intimacy department and according to him, this is all MY fault. I've listened to his ranting and raving. I've been at the end of his poised fist. I've been demeaned and belittled and as a result have absolutely no self confidence. I have no respect for him, we share NOTHING in our lives and frankly I cannot stand being in the same room with him anymore. Don't let this happen to you.

My mother and father were alcholics, my brother died at age 57 from alcoholism and my sister is a recovering alcoholic. I don't drink at all and never have. I have no tolerance for this disease in my life. Over the years I sought counseling on several occasions. Sadly, I was never strong enough to put the "big girl" panties on and leave. I was always fearful of being the one responsible for breaking up the family and I am fearful now of wondering how to support myself at age 66. Fear of the unknown is paralizing. My husband can be quite decent during the day and everyone thinks he is the greatest thing since apple pie. Go figure. Now that our son is grown and understands my frustration, leaving would be easier but at this age I have no confidence or enough self esteem to start over again. It's a horrible way to live but my choice I guess.

My suggestion would be to follow your heart and think of your wonderful baby. Your husband's drinking problem isn't going to get better unless he wakes up and sees what he will lose. If you have a career and can support yourself, think how much happiier you will be. Eventually his drinking will take a toll on your physical health not to mention the emotional issues it causes.

Be careful as well, Hershey. Verbal abuse is often followed by physical threats and abuse. Use counseling now as a tool to strengthen your knowledge that you and your baby deserve better than this.

Please keep in touch....
Wishing you calm days
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Old 02-26-2008, 08:48 PM   #4
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Re: New Here - Hubby is Alcoholic

Sticher---
You can make it on your own at any age! After 38 years of marriage you would get half of everything-- house/bank accounts/stock/bonds/retirement--health insurance you would still have, talk to some legal counsel it is free for a conceltation. Why be mirserable the rest of your years married to someone you dispise? You should be with someone who would travel with you---take you dancing---just being a friend to you! Life is too short to be this miserable. I feel for you--my husband was verbal/mentally/emotionally abusive to me for years, I took matters in my own hands and went to a womens shelter, and they directed me in a path of how to stand on my own,(he told me I could never make it) and if we divorced, what I would get. I was amazed as to what I would get, I thought I would get nothing because I was the one that left, not true at all. I left because of his abuse, and don't let anyone tell you that verbal/emotional/mental is not abuse---it is the worst out there cause it tears us down to nothing, no self esteem to even think anyone would ever want us again. Atleast one can heal from bruises---you can never heal from vial words and actions of belittlement, they take our soul. He was scared to death that I had the power I did, and the stregth to take this kind of step---he had more to loose allot more, including his family. To make this very long story short---he agreed to counseling, we both go 2 x a month, things are so much better. I don't drink and he doesn't abuse. So please--look into your options, you deserve happiness. Take the ******* to the cleaners!! Happiness to you.......

~Angie
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Old 02-27-2008, 06:55 PM   #5
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Re: New Here - Hubby is Alcoholic

Hi Angie,

Thanks so much for your encouraging words. We have two homes and I frequently leave one to go to another ALONE. Doesn't seem to make any difference whether I am around or not, as long as I don't bug him about the booze. My new attitude is to just totally ignore the situation. Eventually my husband's drinking will affect his health....or one would certainly think so....he is 69 in a few months but appears to be healthy as a horse!

Yes, it's a lonely, lonely exsistance and living with an alcoholic changes who you are. Good for me I can entertain myself with hobbies, etc. I wouldn't have a clue what life would be like with a "real" companion around. Also, I have a gift of absolute freedom. If I want, I can fly anywhere in the world free, anytime I want. Just need to find someone who would like to share this desire to travel. A rich widow maybe! I don't think I would enjoy doing it alone.

My point for Hershey was to not let her situation grow into something she'll end up regretting the rest of her life. She sounds young, with a young child. The child deserves better as well.

This Board allows a free flow of different views, opinions and advice. I appreciate the ability to "vent" from time to time. Good therapy.....

Have a great day.....
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Old 02-27-2008, 07:28 PM   #6
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Re: New Here - Hubby is Alcoholic

This Board allows a free flow of different views, opinions and advice. I appreciate the ability to "vent" from time to time. Good therapy.....

Absolutely stitcher! Vent away, it is good therapy. I was happy to read that you have a second home to get away from the madness of alcoholism, and it is that. I bet I can guess what your hobby is! Either you make quilts or you sew LOL You take best care of yourself---hey I'll go with you traveling!!

~Angie
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Old 02-28-2008, 08:09 PM   #7
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Re: New Here - Hubby is Alcoholic

Hello Angie,

You are a breath of fresh air! Yes, I am a quilter and I needlepoint as well. During the cold months, I (we) head south and I have found a terrific group of gals in my community that share my love of quilting and have become like sisters to me. I adore each and every one of them for different reasons. We all bring so much experience to the table of life.

I have learned I am not alone with the disappointments alcohol abuse has caused me. First, from parents and sibblings and now husband. What chance do you supposed my son has? He is fully aware and totally disgusted with his Dad's issues but who knows what will happen if it's in his genetic makeup. No problem with it now at all. He would lose his job INSTANTLY... Forgot to mention, my in laws were alcoholics as well. My MIL used to hide her booze in the bathroom in a bottle of mouthwash!

Yes, Angie, let's fly off into the sun set and see the world....at least we can enjoy it with a clear mind.....

So nice of you to respond. I'll be checking back!
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Old 03-01-2008, 03:25 PM   #8
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Re: New Here - Hubby is Alcoholic

Wow, reading this thread was like hearing someone tell my story. My s/o is also an alcoholic, although when he 'feels' like it, he can stop for weeks at a time. A few days of the shakes and voila, he's back to the man that I fell in love with. I try not to count the days or weeks he is sober, I just enjoy the freedom from the constant anxiety that I have when I don't know which man is coming home.
He is also a great guy to all his friends, I don't think he has an enemy in the world. I am the only who is subjected to his verbal and emotional abuse.
Ditto on the loss of my self esteem...it's defunct at this point.
Life, as I know it, is a roller coaster. When he is sober, it's near perfection. He is everything I would want in a man. But, when he's drinking, which is nearly daily, he is a *bad word*
He says I have to accept him as he is or get out. I could grudgingly accept it if he would just leave me alone when he's drinking, but he always tries to goad me into an argument, and then he'll use things that I've told him (when he's sober and we're having deep conversations) as ammuntition against me when he's drinking. And he wonders why I don't want to talk to him? There is no leaving for me, I cannot afford to live on my own and my depression has all but curtailed my search for a job. My last job lasted 28 years, and I have no discernable skills that would get me a living wage. I'm pretty much stuck.
Thanks for letting me vent. I could go on and on, but this much at least feels good.

 
Old 03-05-2008, 11:02 AM   #9
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Re: New Here - Hubby is Alcoholic

Thank you ladies for your words of wisdom. I am going back for counseling today. I feel very strange about where to begin, but I will go with the flow. Weird problem I have is that I complain about hubby being an alcoholic, but I enjoy a few drinks per week and feel stubborn about giving up one more thing to satisfy him. Anybody understand that? I feel like I've sacrificed my whole life around him and once again he'll be taking something else from me. I know on the other hand, those few drinks aren't worth tearing away my son's father. I work full time but would barely make it on my own. We pay out $800/mo for daycare and have tremendous credit card debt plus a mortgage and car payment. I know if it comes down to it, I WILL make it on my own but would prefer to stay married. I will keep you posted.

 
Old 03-05-2008, 07:59 PM   #10
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Re: New Here - Hubby is Alcoholic

Nice hearing from you, Camryn and Hershey,

WE are all in the same boat....Don't know how old you gals are but I am 66 and have been living with this ALL my life. Married for 38 yrs....but even before marriage, I lived my entire life with parents who were alcoholics. Frankly, it sucks.....

Camryn - Your description of your SO "goading" you into arguments and then using your most inner thoughts against you is typical. I've been experiencing this forever. I don't have any real interaction with my husband anymore. We live like polite roommates....We don't communicate on any level. We have separate rooms, separate friends, separate interests. Mainly I don't discuss anything with him because no matter what my views are on a subject, he argues the point just to be difficult. He is critical of EVERYONE but himself. Sound familiar? For years I stayed because of our son. I didn't want to be the one to break up the family and I too was (am) so insecure, I didn't think I could make it on my own. At age 66 now I feel it isn't worth even trying. This is called "passive agressive" behavior.

One thing I will tell you both is that the resentment builds over the years and it breeds a form of contempt and hate. I despise that word but it's how I feel. The love and excitment I once had for this outstanding man is gone. He robbed me of my full potential, robbed me of my ability to trust and to love freely without consequence. He has robbed me of my self respect and my confidence.

Alcoholics literally suck the life out of you. By refusing to stand on our own and set limits, we enable these people to treat us this way. They do this to us because they can. We're telling them, "hey, do, say anything you want, I am so weak you know I'll still be here when the dust settles". Don't let this happen to you gals. Wouldn't it be great to have this burden lifted? I know personally, the stress is taking a toll on my pyscial health. My sister (a recovering alcoholic herself) often asks me what am I getting from this relationship that makes me want to hang around for more? Interesting question.....
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Old 03-06-2008, 10:04 AM   #11
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Re: New Here - Hubby is Alcoholic

My first session went ok. I am always very honest and told him straight out that I wasn't there to beat up on my SO and that I also have issues that need worked on. Our goal is to meet somewhere in the middle. He was amazed how SO can quit drinking for so long without help. I am hoping to get SO to go with me. I think he will. I know he loves us, he's just out of control and I know some of it is my fault. He suggested that I go to some AL-ANON meetings.

Stitcher, I feel real bad for your situation. I didn't experience this growing up thankfully. I'm glad you're here to vent as well. It helps to know we're not alone. BTW I'm 38 years old.

 
Old 03-06-2008, 02:56 PM   #12
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Re: New Here - Hubby is Alcoholic

Hershey -

Happy to hear you are stepping up to the bat and addressing these issues both for you, your SO and your child. If he loves you and will also attend counseling I think you two can work things out. At lease you are trying. I'll be cheering for you!

My husband flatly REFUSED to go for counseling and actually made fun of me for going and trying to find a way to work these issues out....I think he knew I would never leave and at that time our son was about 13. Son is now about to turn 29! Gives you an idea how long this can go on.

Don't let it...

As a side note, the end result of my counseling was this.....It was suggested that I.....

1) get a job,
2) go back to school
3) it's OK these days to live separate lives and live together thus keeping your financial assets protected and in place!
4) go on antidepressants (no thank you)
5) forget trying to make this go away, it won't. you can only change yourself.....

I was so totally frustrated that I quit going. It didn't help my situation but then I didn't have a willing partner to participate and share the results with.

Let us know how things go for you.....

Cheers
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Old 03-06-2008, 02:59 PM   #13
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Re: New Here - Hubby is Alcoholic

Stitcher, your post is so poignant and means so much to me, as I feel the same way most of the time. I cannot believe that I could have such hateful thoughts for someone that I used to idolize. Awful, awful thoughts. Then he goes on the wagon and the good man comes back and I remember why I fell in love with him. I am 61, and the loss of my job was like a death for me. My entire life changed in an instant. I have been depressed and see myself becoming agorophobic (sp) and there are several other family issues that are of great stress to deal with. I am between a rock, and another rock. My future was planned to be with this man, we met when we were both over 40 so the future is here. I have some savings and modest investments but as I have no income, I just try to make the best of it.
Right now, I am having such anxiety because he will be home any minute and I don't know if he will be nasty or nice.

 
Old 03-07-2008, 07:41 PM   #14
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Re: New Here - Hubby is Alcoholic

Hello Camryn - Hope you had a good evening yesterday. You mentioned the anxiety you were feeling while awaiting hour DH's return. Hope everything was OK.

I understand the depression, anxiety, resentment etc. I too went through a bad period a few years ago. My Mom died, my son went off to college and my husband decided to retire all in a period of 12 months. I was his office manager for 18 years and absolutely loved working. All at once I'd lost my mom, I felt I was no longer needed as a mom, I lost my job and then on top of all that, I got to go through menopause and all it's glory. At the same time, hubby decides it's time to sell the homestead and move up to our summer home in the mountains, to a town of 167 residents.....talk about depression! It was at that time I started to look back at our life together and realized how much I had given up over the years.

My husband has been a heavy drinker all the time I've known him (41 yrs) but it really got bad about 15 yrs ago. He starts drinking about 4:30 in the afternoon and has about 8 drinks before dinner (approx 12 ozs) of vodka. He goes through a large 1.75 liter bottle every 5-6 days. One Dr. asked me if I was prepared for the medical/mental problems that are bound to crop up in the future On the flip side my Dr. here in Fla tells me he may never show any ill effects from his heavy consumption. He drinks this amount EVERY day of the year.....

I have learned over the years that I cannot discuss this with him ever again. I've been at the other end of his fist although he has never hit me, he has pushed me around. He terrifies me when he gets in a bad mood and that seems to be precipatated by something I've said that ticked him off. At the end of the day, I stay in the marriage mainly because of our financial situation. We're retired and 80% of our funds are in his name in an IRA. A lawyer quickly pointed out that he can do some pretty ugly stuff if he wanted to get even with me for leaving. The only way I can protect this asset, to assure myself of half, would be to file for divorce and when that happens the court apparently freezes his ability to change beneficiaries or spend the money recklessly.....nasty nasty way to live.....

Well, I hope you are doing OK today. Do you have any hobbies or friends you can go out and do things with? Have you thought about getting out an doing some volunteer work at a local hospital, nursing home, school? Now that I spend my winters in Fla. I have met some really neat gals that have become almost like sisters to me. If it weren't for them, I'd be in the nut house for sure.... Just a thought. You are several years younger than I am and much too young to be housebound.....

Please keep in touch when you can.
PS: How much does your hubby drink and how often?


Hershey - How you doing today? Are you guys making any progress? Hope all is well.
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Old 03-26-2008, 04:52 PM   #15
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Re: New Here - Hubby is Alcoholic

Hello, I understand your situation all too well, I too am married to an alcoholic, it's very depressing to think that they can destroy a family involving children over such a thing as beer, pills, etc... I don't have the mind of that type so it makes it very difficult for me to understand. I have been married for 11 years, I have two children, one 7 and one 9, they are wonderful, beautiful children but are being directly affected by his drinking, mainly because it affects me. He's a wonderful father, the kids know him no other way than with a beer in his hand, it's very sad. I want to have a relationship with him so bad without other influences being involved but for some reason he can not do that for me. He has given me promises and dreams over and over again, maybe this time he means it, I never know because it hasn't;t happened yet.
When I had my babies my life changed forever, I care about how their world is shaped, I wouldn't want them to think that it's OK to depend on a substance in order to deal with life's obstacles, I want them to be strong and tackle life head first but as they see their Daddy drink himself into the walls it bothers me. I am running out of time and patients. I finally told him I am leaving if he doesn't change and I think I mean it this time, even though it hurts so much and the kids would go through a huge change. If i were you I would figure out what you are going to do before your baby is old enough to really be bothered by all of this. For some reason I was blind to his faults for awhile but it became for prevalent when we moved into another home with a larger mortgage and more responsibilities. I take care of everything, bill paying, yard work, repairs, you name it. The only thing he does is cook because I work so late. I have to beg, nag for anding else to be done.
Anyway, enough of me. I hear Al-anon is a great helper I am thinking about going soon, maybe you should too. We deserve so much better than this. We should do what ever we can to make that happen, with or without him. Please write me back, I need to talk too.
Wisteria63

 
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