I am beginning to worry and I know I shouldn't. But I just can't believe that he did not call his dad back after making such a to-do about talking to him face to face. I guess I shouldn't be surprised....it's about par for his behavior. Maybe I am wishing this ordeal made an impact on him like it did us. I guess not.
Jules, I am wondering how you are today. when does your son leave for inpatient care????
I have been curious about your son also and wondered if there had been anymore contact. It looked like a real "maybe" there, huh? See-saw, see-saw.
Truthfully, I think his regret was real and intentions real... at that moment. There is a good chance that he messed up again and doesn't want to face you because of it.
Buddy, the longer he stays out there on his own, the more moments of "What the heck am I doing??" are going to occur. Like you, I too would be worrying. Being a mom doesn't shut off and on like a water faucet for sure. However, he is gaining experience of what it is like going solo in the world and what it feels like to isolate from the family fold. It will impact him.
Like Jule's son, no matter how much these boys think they are ready to wing it solo, they still seek the safety of the family unit, don't they? I think that is where much hope lay. You have both been consistent in the family values, the safety of families, and sources of help as families. The boys both grw up with that. Those ideas are older than the addictions in thrie stubborn young heads. And I think that foundation is going to be their respective saving graces in time.
He made a small knock on the door on Sunday. Let's hope the knocking gets louder and louder and more consistent.
Good news. He called Friday and asked if he could come over. Husband said yes. he had a friend drop him off. We all had a good talk. he said staying with HER was awful. SHE is 8 months pregnant and doing drugs. He said it makes him sick. He said her friends comes over and they do the bars and then he has to watch them stumble around. He said, he sort of felt like we did, watching....he said he would take a drug test every week if we wanted. But he needed to come home and get out of there. Husband said he could, until he could rent an apartment. We are going to look at some today. So, time will tell. He spent the evening with us and his brother. He seems to be truly embarrased and sorry about what happened. I am not going to get my hopes up. He HAS to get his own place
Hang strong MOM -- I have three kids myself (young) and would wish what I have done on any of them. All you can do at this point is LOVE him. Let him know whats in the past is in the past. Great lyric from song goes " Saw things so much clear once you (or it) was in my rearview mirror" Get the pas behind you and your family and forget about the drug tests, GET HIM TO A MEETING asap. That is wear he will learn the tools to stay clean and develop a network that will keep him clean.
"1 is too many and 1000 is not enough" -
he's going to drug classes every wednesday for 12 weeks.........I suggested NA meetings. he's done those before and it didn't help then, cause he didn't want to change..........we'll just take it day by day............
do not let him move back in whatever you do.hes only stringing you along as hes done in the past.visit then tell him it is time to go.he will play you as long as you allow to be played.hes an adult let him find his own shelter.he made his bed let him lie in it.if you give in now you will every time from here on out.next time it might be more than just your husband gettin hit.drug tests dont work so dont waste your time and money.stop this before it gets started again.it will be easier now then later.good luck-spark
Thanks Reach. I am not getting my hopes up...I have learned from the past. He is going to pay all his fines off Monday and start looking for a small apartment or duplex....which is good. We will help him with some furnishings....maybe a bed...(he can't take the one here, because I paid a fortune for it, and he doesn't take care of things)....I have a love seat and a kitchen table he can use..I think he will enjoy this new life..........of course, it will be whatever he makes of it................thanks for hanging in with me....
I was just wondering how things are going with your son. You haven't posted in a number of days...and I was thinking about you...as I am thinking of Jules and her son.
I just wanted to mention that you might want to encourage your son to try another group, location or time for the NA meetings. My son tried meetings a couple times when he was in college and really hated them. Then after he graduated, he tried again, and again really didn't like the group. The third attempt, he had a similar experience, but this time he knew he had to become clean and sober, so instead of just quitting and announcing he hated it, he tried a number of groups in different locations. He found a group at AA that was almost all young people -- teens up to about 30. Even though it was AA, most of the people also had drug problems, and a number of the kids were also bipolar. It turned out to be the best thing for our son. It was the convergence of a number of things, including him being determined to stop using, that allowed him to be successful. He made a number of new friends in this group which helped him find a new social circle. It really made all the difference for him...and he might never have succeeded if he hadn't found this group. Perhaps, if your son keeps looking, he will find a group that will be helpful to him, too.
hi flint old pal..is your son doing ok? mine went to a wellness center nice term for a rehab for a couple of weeks..he needed a break from us and vice versa. he called tonite and he sounds fine..just wanted to give an update..hope all is well..enjoy your holiday.. btw hes doing a complete med wash there and i thinkits an excellent idea.
hi mm. hope you are feeling well..how is your back? He is doing ok,he needed this "tune up" he needed a break from everything. he was on lamictal,wellbutrin,zoloft,trazadone,sub oxone..he stopped it all cold turkey (not recommended at all) and was extremely sick for 5 days..this place does not do a detox it is purely a place where people want to be to focus on a recovery..he was clean of everything when he went in..it was very hard to get him on because he wasnt actively using so insurance gave us a real hard time..its a doubleedge sword. so he just started wellbutrin only in the rehab..thats it. we will followup when hes out in 3 weeks..the medications were getting out of control, he was having so may side effects and was actually worse,probably from the combinations. he was constanly dizzy slurred speech,headaches, just like a basket case..so anyway, while he is in there we will find him a palce to live on his own..a studio apt or something like that and pay up for a coupla months..hopefully,he will get on his own 2 feet and take responsibility for himself..he will 22 in 3 weeks..its time..
That's great!! We left son come home on a Friday, he left Sunday morning and haven't seen him since. It's been a week. Don't guess we made the right decision. So, he's on his way out the door again. Full of bull and we fell for it....
I'm doing OK. It is a slow process, which I had been told to expect. I feel good, but then if I do too many errands I regret it for several days. I'm 11 weeks out now, and am off pain meds, for the most part. I am going to start PT in a couple weeks.
I really hope this program works for your son. Something has to click for him. In our son's case, it was the realization that life as he knew it (being a student) was over; that he was going to have to earn a living and any job would require a drug screen...so he couldn't keep leading a fake life, as he had been doing. This is when he confronted his bipolarity and realized that it was something to be reckoned with, that he could not control it by smoking weed, etc.
Hopefully when your son has his own place, he'll realize he is starting a new phase of his life. I will keep my fingers and toes crossed from you, my friend.
It's not so much that you fell for it as you hoped he'd learned a lesson and you were willing to give him a chance. One of these times, the lesson will be learned, something will click and make sense to him and he will see a reason why he has to change his current ways.
mm, hopefully you are right..we all need him to move on with his life..we did all we can, truthfully,its all up to him..hes well aware of drug testing for jobs and i think maybe he will think twice..but we can only hope and pray.
flint, when he left was it on bad terms? what are you thinking?
No, it wasn't on bad terms at all. He left Sunday morning going with a friend. Didn't hear a word from him until tuesday, he came in that afternoon for 2 minutes and left. Haven't heard a word since.......very strange. If he's with HER, why did he bother coming home and begging to come back home? he was bad mouthing her, saying she's 8 months preg and doing xananx and methadone..........so, I am just bumfuzzled. His dad told him when he left him come home, he had to find a job within a week............he never went looking once to my knowledge...........I have no idea what's going on. But he's on his way out again...........it makes NO sense!!!! but what does anymore???
Flint ~ I am so sorry to hear that things didn't work out with your son. It is so disappointing when we go believing that things are going to change and then only see that we have been fooled once again. BTDT I wonder what is up with him and what he is doing with his time if he isn't looking for that job???? Anyway....just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts.
Oldnews ~ Nice to see you on board and to hear that your son is getting some help and doing that med wash. Perhaps when he is off of everything he will be able to see some of the problems and slowly try to find the right meds that will stabilize him enough to stay away from the drugs. I have been thinking about you alot and hoping to hear some good news.
I know that you want to get him out on his own but have you thought about some type of halfway house??? I think that there is a place called Pax Christi that helps men and is specifically for those with alcohol/addiction problems. Also there is a place called Apple that you may want to look into as well. Just a few suggestions for you.
MM ~ Glad to hear that things are progressing with you. You have come a long way and I think that you should be in great shape for that wedding in June by the sounds of it.
As far us, we had a bit of a setback between the full moon, a lack of sleep from a youth group lock in all nighter, a breakup with the BF AND the continued titration down on the Seroquel. Didn't really make for a great start to Easter morning for us. Older daughter was home and off schedule as well which made for a great combination in our household. But all ended up okay despite a few meltdowns.
It is great to hear the updates and I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed that things will be looking up for everybody soon.
hi ig, thanks for your input..i have come to the conclusion that he needs to be free of drugs for a long time before anything else can be addressed..we dont know who he is truly. he doesnt know who he is..he doesnt even know what hi own personality is like..He has been calling us 2x a day..and his voice cracks like it did when he was 12 and at boy scout camp..hes doing good, having a real hard time sleeping, they dont give any drugs other than his wellbutrin. hopefully, he will develop some sort of pattern...He is definitly not into a halfway or sober house..while he wants to be out on his own ,he wants to keep it within a few towns..thats his immaturity and his seperation anxiety..amazing huh? and another thing he is sick of is all the meds and changes of meds..he told me the lamictal was making him so dizzy and forgetful and giving him awful headaches. we tried everything, this place is trying it the holistic way..we shall see..
flint, maybe your son really likes this girl...could it be?
I think your son truly meant what he said when he was home. I believe he knows that he is on a bad track, knows also that what SHE is doing is bad news. However, I am sure that by Sunday when he left, withdrawal was setting in and he just does not have the skills to cope with it. Flint, coming off the Xanax truly took everything in me and a lot of help from others. I think Son is backed into a corner with his addiction. For me, there were times of desperation coming off Xanax. It really was worse than the oxycodone withdrawal. The anxiety levels reach such high peaks that without tremendous support it is really, really hard to handle. I think he truly does mean what he says to you, just doesn't have the resources to handle staying commited to it. Honestly, I would try to run away from my family because of shame if I kept relapsing. Somewhere, somewhere deep inside him is the son you raised. I know you are willing to help him and would stand on your head to do so. I just don't think he believes he can really be helped. Sigh. What a crummy, rotten dilemma. Geeze. I wish I could give you some words of wisdom to tell him how there really is help that can honestly work no matter how addicted we are and make him believe it. Ah, all I can do is tell you that I will keep him in prayer. Tonight I will hold him up and ask that he finds hope, that he can believe that he can get past this.
OLDNEWS his voice cracks like it did when he was 12 and at boy scout camp.
That made me cry. And I think you hit the nail right on the head. he is a scared little boy. In the beginning of my tapering, I was scared out of my wits... literally. I felt utterly helpless and hopeless. God, I wanted to be better, but I had a lot of doubts that it was really going to happen. I really thought I was too far gone. Something that helped me a great deal at that point was that my support system, especially my husband and family doctor, told me often, "you are going to be okay." I clung to those words for my very life. Even when I doubted them, I clung to them and I do believe that those affirmations were a vital part of staying the course.
Moms, I am a mom, too. I do understand the despair, the hurt, the torment of seeing your boys in these conditions to some extent. However, because addiction is also a part of me, I also have great empathy for these boys. I know I had been defiant about my addiction, but in part it was the huge fear of withdrawal. Huge. I, too, reverted to 12 years old in withdrawal for a while. I did care that my drug abuse was impacting my family. I cared tremendously. I just didn't know how to get out from under it.
I guess that something I want to say to you is that even though they are acting totally unacceptably, don't doubt that they still love you. They do. I know they do. As much as you are hurting, please remember that they do love you. The bonds are strong. However much they are stumbling through life right now, they still keep some sort of contact. The bonds are there. The love is there.