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Old 05-18-2008, 09:22 PM   #1
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Need advice Im doubting myself

Hi,
I am here tonite in hopes that I may be able to get some advice as I am doubting myself. I have gotten a good bit of help from this board in the past few years. My daughter is an addict, she is in recovery and has been for 9 months. She started with pills then was shooting herion. prior to her getting clean she had lost custody of her daughter( i got temporary custody),was in terrible accident and was in trauma unit,overdosed,lost her home,jobs was beaten up by numerous boyfriends. I have did the tough love,ive taken her to numerous rehabs,went to na meetings with her,court hearings with her,bailed her out of jail and also helped her po put her in jail because i knew she was better off there. She was offered a wonderful oppurtunity when she got in trouble for possession. she was put on non reporting probation with random drug testing and 60 days house arrest. she did pretty good during 60 days and was clean, then she quit testing and i found emails to her po from my computer saying she couldnt drug test because she had left town because she was homeless and lived in another city with her brother. a complete lie.so i contacted her po and informed her of the truth, she took the time to listen to me and not just see another of offender. She offered her a drug court program of 12 months in leiu of 180 days of jail. first 3 months are intense and they do not even let u work, you report to po 3 times week and test 3 times wk,2 counseling sessions wk an 3 na meetings wkly plus they meet every wk in front of judge, if they relapse they have jail time from 10 to 60 days, after completing phase 1 they have 4 more phases to go through with the reporting an testing decreasing with success. she was also put on sub and is prescribed 3 a day. my daughter will soon be graduating the drug court program july 17. My problem is that since she has been in this program she has been kicked out of 2 family members house because of non respect,not helping with bills,yelling at family members and such, she was living with her older brother and his family until 2 weeks ago when he couldn take it anymore and said she had to go. She now has custody of her daughter but as soon as she picks her up from school she has my granddaughter calling poeple to see if they will take her for the night. she has not had a job that she has been able to hold down for more than a week and does not offer to help pay any of her living expenses. but here is what she will do, the day she gets her sub she starts selling them for like 7 to 10 bucks. She runs out early every month and she takes 1 to 2 sub a day. what she does with the sub money is buy her gas to run around,buy her cigs and shops like crazy. we have called her po and told them she does this however my daughter has them believing we are these crazy evil poeple out to get her and they wont even do a pill count. I have overlooked since she wont listen to word i say. We have had a rocky relationship to say the least but i love her i just dont understand her, why she wont work or get on her own. The other day i told her that her staying here was not going to be for very long and she blew up on me, she said that ive never did anything for her that i will never be the mother she needs, shes 26. I have a 12 yr old with more maturity. I have been there everytime she has gone to jail. She no longer really has any friends and that makes me sad, so she is very dependent on me and is very jealous of other family members that i spend time with or if i talk of phone to someone she gets upset. I dont feel that i should have to answer to her for what i am doing in my life and i dont really do anything but work and spend time with all my family and have mom with alzheimers i taake care of. She screams at me and i feel like i have to defend everything i do or say to her , she always has a come back and its a big circle to try to discuss anything with her. she was like this when she used also just worse. she got kicked out of her brothers for screaming at him and his wife in fromt of his children. I know this is long, Please any advice, how long do i let her keep sponging off us and i dont know how to talk to her, i ve tried every way to talk to her and she gets defensive and screaming. It makes me afraid of her at times and other times i feel sorry for her because she has had to live with poeple. I was going to work overtime and pay her rent but im twice her age and dont feel like i should have to do that. shes younger than me and i have been working a long time to raise my family, thanks in advance for any help. sorry so long.

 
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Old 05-19-2008, 01:38 AM   #2
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Re: Need advice Im doubting myself

Hello MSG,

May I suggest speaking to her probation officer about her behavior, in the hopes that she recommends either anger management or a psych evaluation.

She is quite an angry and disrespectful sort and i'm wondering if it is not stemming from the fact that either she cannot use drugs, is under strict surveillance or both.

What I see here is a woman who has had been provided every courtesy and had taken them for granted.

Unless you have valid proof that she is selling her meds, the PO will not act on it but here lies the rub;even if you have proof, she only goes back to a place she has been before, by her own actions, that being jail.

Her personality is destructive and has way too much inner conflict to hold a stable relationship of any kind.

She has to learn the hard way; as the saying goes, a person sometimes doesn't realize what they have had, until they lose it all.

There is a term called hitting "rock bottom" and she is extremely close to being there.

Tough love is not an option but a necessity.............

In my opinion.

Take care.

Respectfully stated,

Phoenix

Last edited by Phoenix; 05-19-2008 at 01:39 AM.

 
Old 05-19-2008, 01:28 PM   #3
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Re: Need advice Im doubting myself

Phoenix,
The comment that she has to much inner conflict and cant hold stable relationships of any kind is so true. A light bulb went off with me when i read that. Because it is every person she is connected with at some time there is a problem. There are times when she is sweet as syrup when none of us are on her about getting a job and getting on her own.Then there are the times if we mention something to her or she sees one person is spending time with others she gets very angry. She gets very angry when her brothers have successes in there lives. My eldest son is very successful and is working on masters degree along with full time job and family. That is where she just got thrown out of. She would scream at him, he ended up going to counseling and his counselor told him he had to get her out of his house for his own well being.
The first po I worked with was great but when they put her into this drug court program they transferred her to a new po and she has him believing that we are all out to get her and she has had this terrible life. She told me that he told her to stay away from her family because we were toxic. Us toxic to her. I couldnt believe that. I have called him and the person above him with no luck at all.
I made a big mistake letting her into my home when her brother threw her out. Now I dont know what to do. I have told her she cant live here permanetly and she just blows up on me. My hair is falling out due to nerves my doctor said. Today she was to go try to get help with housing and job but instead she stayed in basement and slept all day long. Everyone that she has lived with has the same stories to tell me, so she repeats the same behavior everywhere she goes.She knows Im so scared that she will use again and that is her blackmail with me.I have dealt with this for almost ten years with her. Sometimes I just wana leave this town and go far away so i dont have to deal with her. But I have my sick mother and other kids living here along with grandkids.
I thought when she got clean and on the sub that her manipulation would change. She said that if she wasnt on sub that she be using. I dont know what will do if they take her off it.
Thanks so much for your words of wisdom, they were eye opening
Tami

 
Old 05-19-2008, 01:45 PM   #4
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Re: Need advice Im doubting myself

Hello Tami,

I was a young adult that used and abused and it was something that my father said that really rang home with me. He said: it has come to the point that I am not going to argue with you; if you want to live your life that way and think it is living, i'm not going to stop you."

There comes a point where a parent or parents have felt that they are at their wits end with their son or daughter; it is best to let them make their mistakes and leave them be, as compared to always bailing them out or coming to their rescue.They will get upset but somewhere down the road, hopefully they will realize that it was all for the best.

I would not allow her to disrespect you in your house; set the rules and if she doesn't want to adhere to them, then you need to ask yourself if losing your hair and added stress is what you really need at this point in your life.

Remember that you don't have to leave anywhere; if she is seriously disrupting your life, sorry to say, she should be shown the door.

She has to be taught a lesson that she won't soon forget.

In my opinion.

Take care.

Phoenix

Last edited by Phoenix; 05-19-2008 at 03:48 PM.

 
Old 05-19-2008, 03:03 PM   #5
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Re: Need advice Im doubting myself

Whatever you do,don't give up on her.I've caused my family much destruction but they didn't quit on me and although I still have problems doubting myself I have been clean with the help of naltrexone for over a year and a half.I was also a heroin addict and when I first got clean I spewed the nastiest venom at everyone I knew.You must realize,you are attacking her best friend and most likely her only friend that never lets her down(in her mind that is).Its a very difficult transition that can take months after she is clean.My advice would be to look into naltrexone pellets,They are implanted under the skin and once there opiates are blocked,No matter what you do you can't get around it(believe me,I tried).If you want any more info about the pellets.The inventor of them is a doctor in merchantville NJ named Lance Gooberman.Without him I would be dead.

 
Old 05-19-2008, 08:36 PM   #6
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Re: Need advice Im doubting myself

John,
I am so very glad to hear how long you have been clean. I will never give up on her, I love this girl with all my heart, she is my only girl the rest are 3 boys. I do think that i was mistaken in just thinking if she would get clean it would all fall into place for her, she will be clean a year around july 17. During this period it has been rough. We have also came along way in our relationship, but we have a ways to go. I pull away though when i know she is manipulating and she just will not do anything.
She is very scared of coming off the drug court program she has said because she wont be testing after that. she will have completed that program completely oct of this year. she is also afraid they will pull her of sub. even though she sells some of them she does need to at least have one in her a day. I have never heard of the pellets but i am going to research it and mention to her. she is going to an addiction specialist doctor.
She said she still has dreams of using, I know she has had it rough but she has to start living sometime and be able to support herself and stop blaming everyone, i keep defending her to family and its getting old for most of them.
Thank you so much for your post, I wish you all the best.I wont give up ever Im just trying to find coping skills and ways to get her to be kind to those who help her and be productive.
Tami

 
Old 05-20-2008, 05:28 AM   #7
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Re: Need advice Im doubting myself

I still have the doubts as well,I always wonder if I can do it without a "crutch" but for now I'm just happy to be clean today.I've learned that each day sober is a gift not to be taken lightly.I haven't yet mastered living in the moment and I may never do it but I'll try.

 
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