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Old 05-26-2008, 08:32 PM   #1
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Please help.. fiance hooked on drugs

Hi everyone. I have been reading a number of posts on here and really thought some of you may be able to help me. I have never had an addiction myself, but I have witnessed first hand what it is liked- through family members, friends, and now my fiance. I try so hard to understand an addiction in any way that I can, so please if anyone has any advice I'd gladly take it in. So basically my fiance has been struggling with a drug addiction for about 5 years now. Currently the drug of choice is oxy cotins. Last summer he was prescribed suboxones in order to end his oxy cotin/methadone addiction. The suboxones worked great for a few months. After 5 months of taking them, he relapsed and began taking oxys again. I try so hard to moniter the suboxone and watch him take it... but that doesn't seem to work anymore. I know he is not proud of being an addict and does not want that life, as I'm sure most of you don't either. He is a great person who just struggles with a difficult disease. However, now I am beginning to feel like I'm losing my mind. Lately he has been "slipping" up at least twice a week... this week I think it was 4 times althoug he will not admit it. What can I do?!! Please, I am desparate. I try to confront him, be caring and compassionate, and then eventually I snap and explode. I watch him take the suboxone every morning before work- how is he still able to take oxys after that? Please, any advice or suggestions anyone may have would really be appreciated.

Sorry this was SO long! I just really need some help. Thanks for taking the time to read this!

Jenny

 
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Old 05-26-2008, 09:22 PM   #2
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Re: Please help.. fiance hooked on drugs

Jenny -- I can't address the suboxone /oxy issue but I feel that you should focus on what you can control ...which is your life. I think your fiance needs a wakeup call, namely your letting him know that you value yourself and the life you want to live.

"Until you are clean/sober, I can not include you in my life." (I'm assuming you live together since you watch him take the sub every morning.) I would be looking into your own resources to move out.

Jenny, I am apologize for my bluntness and want to assure you I am supportive and care what happens to you...and to him. But I feel that he has no INCENTIVE to stop slipping. You deserve ALL of your fiance, not occaisional sobriety. If this beginning of your lives together is clouded with an addiction and he is not 100% committed to sobriety, can you be sure he will become sober?

I believe you can be most supportive of him by snapping him out of this current stage, which allows for these slipups. You don't deserve this kind of stress and uncertainty. I suggest you just put it out there in the open and remind him that HE decides to continue with drugs. You have decided not to allow this behavior in your life.

Again, I am only trying to help you and ultimately your fiance. I think he has gotten comfortable in this status quo --- I think the only way he will truly work towards sobriety is if you make it known this is NOT okay. You will be setting the tone of how married life with you will be --- you value yourself too much to allow this behavior. Fiance either accepts that or doesn't and you will both save yourself from untold grief.

I will pray for you both and look forward to more updates.

In friendship,

Droopy

 
Old 05-27-2008, 04:44 AM   #3
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Re: Please help.. fiance hooked on drugs

Hello Jenny,

Welcome.

I noticed that you stated:

"I know he is not proud of being an addict and does not want that life."

If the aforementioned statement is true, then what lengths has he undertaken, that will help keep his addiction at bay?

He has yet to admit that he has an addiction, for to do so would imply that there is a need for something to be corrected.

It is normal to feel frustrated when a loved one is in the throws of addiction but it is this person who must take matters into his own hands.

Have you suggested NA(Narcotics Anonymous) meetings to him?

Might I suggest you go to Al-Anon meetings?

You see, there are ways to create the illusion of ingesting medication and such(not saying this is the case but it is worth noting).

Whatever you choose to do, please remember that there are certain things that you can control and others that you cannot; once the difference is realized, it will place things in better perspective.

Take care.

Phoenix

 
Old 05-27-2008, 05:45 AM   #4
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TomsWife HB User
Re: Please help.. fiance hooked on drugs

Quote:
Originally Posted by jenny25 View Post
Hi everyone. I have been reading a number of posts on here and really thought some of you may be able to help me. I have never had an addiction myself, but I have witnessed first hand what it is liked- through family members, friends, and now my fiance. I try so hard to understand an addiction in any way that I can, so please if anyone has any advice I'd gladly take it in. So basically my fiance has been struggling with a drug addiction for about 5 years now. Currently the drug of choice is oxy cotins. Last summer he was prescribed suboxones in order to end his oxy cotin/methadone addiction. The suboxones worked great for a few months. After 5 months of taking them, he relapsed and began taking oxys again. I try so hard to moniter the suboxone and watch him take it... but that doesn't seem to work anymore. I know he is not proud of being an addict and does not want that life, as I'm sure most of you don't either. He is a great person who just struggles with a difficult disease. However, now I am beginning to feel like I'm losing my mind. Lately he has been "slipping" up at least twice a week... this week I think it was 4 times althoug he will not admit it. What can I do?!! Please, I am desparate. I try to confront him, be caring and compassionate, and then eventually I snap and explode. I watch him take the suboxone every morning before work- how is he still able to take oxys after that? Please, any advice or suggestions anyone may have would really be appreciated.

Sorry this was SO long! I just really need some help. Thanks for taking the time to read this!

Jenny
Hi Jenny,

I feel compelled to write to you. Your story of your fiance's use can be read a hundred times on this and many other boards. Heck, switch out the drugs with alcohol and it could be mine. Now, I am not mininmizing the situation what-so-ever. I am only going to write about part of your question which is "but I have witnessed first hand what it is liked- through family members, friends, and now my fiance".
Does addiction run in YOUR family? I know that you said you dont know addiction first hand. If there is addiction in your immediate family, then you as a person know and live with adiction every day with out using any mind altering chemicals. Some experts in addiction say the family members of people that take mind altering chemicals can be emotionally sicker than the one actively using. Whats you past dating history been like? People with addiction in thier family, even if they dont use, tend to gravitate towards those that do. I'd like to hear more of your history before I make any more assumptions. But, If I were you, and what I have typed is true,-- Going to be very blunt here-- I would work on myself and get rid of the boyfriend. Play your live through, -- get mariied, (he's stoned at the wedding) Have chidren, (he misses the birth). Money problems, always taking care of him. Divorce? Jail? Abuse? Play it out any way you like. Then the fun begins with your children being predisposed to addiction. Play that part of your live out too. Your young, you have choices. Wish I knew then, what I know now.............

P.S. No matter what you read anywhere, YOU CANT FIX HIM.

Marilyn
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Old 05-27-2008, 06:30 AM   #5
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Re: Please help.. fiance hooked on drugs

hi jenney...so glad you posted on here. i am the mother of a drug addict son. i have lived with opiate abuse from him for about 9 yrs...living in my home and on his own. one time he went thru 6 jobs in 1 yr!
he did the methadone clinic for a yr, then realized withdrawal from that was'nt fun. he has done suboxone twice before and supposedly is on it again now. his dad and i had gone thru total hell...questioning, believing, not believing, drug testing at home, holding on to help him, letting go to help him...the list goes on. he has written bad cks numeral times..to keep him out of jail we covered them. it has been a long vicious circle. a yr ago he got a nice girl (i think)..told me he did'nt want one til then because his life was such a mess. she moved in with him but he still went back to drugs.
we live in florida but go to new england every summer to be with family..now we are afraid to leave our home once again.
we are retired for 4 yrs now..should be a relaxed life style but cannot be with worrying about him.
we are telling ourselves we have cut all ties with him in a more severe way this time. i know i will be up north and wondering if he is dead down here.
i agree with the others..please get out of that relationship while you still have some selfworth left.
please keep us up to date....take care...bevann

 
Old 05-27-2008, 06:40 AM   #6
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FullCircle08 HB User
Re: Please help.. fiance hooked on drugs

HI Jenny -- I am and was that fiance. I was taking Oxy and Hydro for 5 years with 6 relapses thrown in there. I must say that it was my wife each time that saved my butt and stuck behind me. I dont know how she did it, but she did. She knew I was nt the man she married on the drugs and wanted him back. Relpase after relapse she would stay by me and help me try something different to get better. Reading books, telling DR after DR, taking money away, outpatient rehab, home drug test, then finally NA. NA has been the true saver for me. I am almost 90 days clean and it seems like yesterday that I was caught up in the "drug" web. You guys can do this, and you can do it together. He has to WANT to get off and you have to be willing to help him and be ready for anything and everyhting that comes with it. We are here and armed and ready for anything you bring. Have him log on and we can help him every step of the way. I could never of got here without the help of NA and my friends on here.

Medd
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Old 05-27-2008, 12:36 PM   #7
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Re: Please help.. fiance hooked on drugs

Wow! I cannot believe all the responses I got in such a short time. Thank you to everyone for you support and suggestions!

Medd, you really made me feel better. It is so helpful to get an insight to what the person on the other end is going through. Like your wife I have stood by my fiance through a lot. And I will continue to do so... I believe with my full heart that he would not hesitate to do the same for me. My fiance struggles with an addiction, but is still an amazing person. I want to help him through this in any and every way I can. I also think it would be a great idea if he would log on.. he could really use the support! Having concerned people like you all who have grown through so much would really help me. He has tried NA before but never stuck with it. I think he didn't like it because he was afraid of running in to old acquitances.

My fiance, Steve, does want help. When he slips up he gets very depressed because he does not want to be that person. We went to an outpatient program appointment a few weeks ago. However, that place required you to miss two full weeks of work, which he cannot afford to do since we own a home together. He made another app. for last friday, but they called and canceled it a day before. I think that really got him down. So today we are making another appointment. I try to push him to go to NA meetings, but I know that it has to be up to him. I really hope he will consider logging on here.. I am going to talk to him about when he gets home from work.

Marilyn, I know you asked some questions so I am going to give you answers. Addiction doesn't necessarily run in my immediate family. One of my cousins who I am very close to has been struggling with a drug addiction since she was 15. So I have witnessed many of her ups and downs... she is far worse than my fiance. I think that is why I am so observant and not passive about anything he does. I never ever turn the other cheek and pretend like its not happening. I have seen where a prescription drug addiction leads to. I thought it was soo interesting what you said about the family members having an addiction without using substances. The worrying definitely does consume me. I appreciate all your advice and concern... but my fiance and I actually have an amazing relationship when he isn't slipping up. I completely understand what you are saying about a marriage involving drugs-- it is not possible. That is something I constantly say to my fiance- you cannot have a successful marriage on drugs. Hopefully this outpatient program will be the final motivation he needs to get his life back!

Thank you again to everyone! Look for a Steve on here posting- he usually isn't a computer guy but I think at this point he will do anything to get help! I appreciate everyone sharing their stories with me... I enjoyed reading everyone and they all were very insightful!

Jenny

 
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