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Old 08-24-2008, 04:32 AM   #1
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Boyfriend relapsed on Heroine after 6 months sobriety

Hello! (and in advance...sorry for the long thread)

I need advise. Please help! I met my boyfriend at an AA meeting. I was on a court card for getting a DUI ( I am not an alcoholic, I dont binge drink and I dont drink daily, I just made a VERY bad decision). On my last week of AA's I fell in love with a fellow member who was a bit younger than me but who had 6 months sobriety. He is a heroine addict who lives in a sober living household. Since the day we met we have grown closer and closer to eachother, supporting eachother through sobriety. Unfortunately, I underestimated his addiction because I have never closely known anyone with an addiction problem, let alone heroine. We went to Las Vegas to visit my best friend whose husband has a sever drinking problem. My boyfriend ended up going on a binger with her husband. The last day before leaving I finally dumped his beer out and had a "talk". He admited to me that at first this made him angry but then realized I was right and that he needed to stop. All the next morning and day he was his cheerful positive self. During the drive home he started to beat himself up over it but we had 6 hours to talk it through and agreed that going to AA meetings everyday of that week would be required. He called his sponser and confessed to what he had done. His sponsor dropped him like nothing! He basically told him "call me when you have been sober for 6 months, other than that dont bother calling". Is this normal for a sponsor?

We returned from Vegas that Sunday and hung out for 3 days, then he dissappeared. The last thing he told me was that his good friend Eric had gotten a truck (who he met through his sober living situation). Eric drinks. I could only assume that the lack of communication was because he went out with Eric and drank and was ashamed to tell me. I finally got a hold of him Thursday night...his behavior pointed to relapse. He was sluring his speach, "forgot" to call me, felt like he was getting the "flu", lethargic, and overlly apologetic. Friday rolled around and I got no contact from him. I assumed he was either done with me and I was about to move on (but sad because I love this guy!).

I got a call this morning (Saturday) at 7am with a message on voicemail saying "Bianca I need help! I need your help! I am really sick!"...I immediately went to his sober living to find him not there. So I wrote a note and had one of his roomies put it on his bed. 2:30pm rolled around and I called him. Finally got a hold of him, he was lethargic and told me that he had used heroine and was using for the past 3 days (He had shot up at 7am). He said that he and his "buddy" Eric went to a bar, got ****** faced and then went with another addict to do heroine and has been on a binger ever since. He shared with me that he almost OD'd. He is shooting up. I picked him up, he gave me what remaining drugs he had to throw away, and I basically talked to him for about 10 hours and went to an AA meeting for 1/2 an hour. He says he doesnt want to start up again, he wants to stay sober, but is going through emotional ups and downs. I am not sure if his sober living manager detected he has been using in the past 3 days but I am sure if they test him he is going to get kicked out.

I dont know what to think, feel, or help him with. I am at a stand still. I love him very much but don't want to be an enabler, catalyst, or worse...victim. I dont do drugs AT ALL! and rarely drink! I am starting Cal State Fullerton on Monday, I am a single mom, I have a good head on my shoulders, a car, and responsiblity. I am really afraid for him if I leave him. He is in love with me too, and has told me that I am the world to him. I just feel lost.....please help! Does he need to go to Detox after a 3 day binge? Does he need to go back to rehab? or will just getting a new sponsor and attending NA everyday help? Or should I leave?

 
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Old 08-24-2008, 05:46 AM   #2
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Re: Boyfriend relapsed on Heroine after 6 months sobriety

Quote:
Originally Posted by MissBiancaYoung View Post
I was on a court card for getting a DUI ( I am not an alcoholic, I dont binge drink and I dont drink daily, I just made a VERY bad decision).

On my last week of AA's I fell in love with a fellow member who was a bit younger than me but who had 6 months sobriety. He is a heroine addict who lives in a sober living household.

He called his sponser and confessed to what he had done. His sponsor dropped him like nothing! He basically told him "call me when you have been sober for 6 months, other than that dont bother calling". Is this normal for a sponsor?

I dont know what to think, feel, or help him with. I am at a stand still. I love him very much but don't want to be an enabler, catalyst, or worse...victim.I am really afraid for him if I leave him.

Does he need to go to Detox after a 3 day binge? Does he need to go back to rehab? or will just getting a new sponsor and attending NA everyday help? Or should I leave?
Hello M,

If I understand this correctly, you were mandated to attend AA meetings because of the nature of your traffic violation.

Please understand that those in AA or NA are advised not to seek any romantic relationships for at least one year. This gives them time to work and focus on themselves and eliminates the distractions of physical and emotional bonding with others.

It must be understood that sponsors are as human as you or I and are still in recovery, for recovery is a life-long process.

From what you stated, it does not seem that this is the normal behavior of a sponsor but somehow I feel there is more that is being left out(you may not have been privy to the entire nature of their conversation).

If you leave him, you unleash the burden of guilt that you are presently feeling. You cannot save him by staying with him and eventually you will be viewed as one of the reasons for his continued relapse modes.

He can get a new sponsor, go to detox and even rehab but if his intentions are not genuine(sorry to say) the same cycle of behavior will repeat itself.

Every person in AA or NA has a personal message(don't care for the word "story") to convey that is their own and it is their responsibility to address that and reflect upon it.

Respectfully,

Phoenix
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Old 08-24-2008, 09:24 AM   #3
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Re: Boyfriend relapsed on Heroine after 6 months sobriety

He knows what he needs. There really is very little you can do for him.
I realize you love him, but you have someone else to consider (your child). You met this guy when he was sober and that's the man you wanted to date. The fact that he is not holding it together is not your fault. Personally I think you should break things off with him and tell him to get back in touch with you if/when he's strung a few months of sobriety together. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders with school and that should be your primary focus (along with your child). The last thing you need to worry about is someone elses sobriety! There are consequences for every action (as you learned with your DUI) and he should have thought about that before gambling on getting high again. Ugh. I really feel for you, but I just wouldn't bet on him staying straight. I know people deserve second chances sometimes, I just don't think this is one of those situations where I would give it. You have too much else to take care of.

 
Old 09-05-2008, 11:55 AM   #4
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Smile Re: Boyfriend relapsed on Heroine after 6 months sobriety

I was in the exact same situation in 2003 when I met a guy who was in aa for yrs although he failed to mension that he had not been to a meeting in months and was on the verge of a bender...or the fact he was a crack addict. I am also a single mother and in AA. We dated for 4 years and it was not good for my kids to go through it. Today, he is still sober and so am I - we both got sober in April 2006 and broke up. Interesting eh? I understand what you are going through, you love him and want to support him.
For me- when I look back on what I did, I was selfish in staying with someone who kept relapsing when I had two young kids. The best thing you can do for him and for yourself and especially for your kids is let him go and find his way. HE is the ONLY person that can decide that he is ready to do whatever it takes to get sober. Once this happens and he is sober for a year, earnestly working his program, attending meetings, working the steps, and sponsoring guys- then, and only then would it be a healthy situation to have a relationship with him. Let it take it's course- let him find his way... anything you try and control such as pouring out his beer and having a talk is wasted energy. I went to Alanon meetings while my ex was relapsing and it helped me to let go, set boundaries, and confirm that even though I loved him and wanted to help him... I was helping him by staying away and letting him make his own decisions. Trust the system... a year... it works...

Lots of love, strengh, hope, and patience... AND wisdom to you. My kids are already 7 and 12. I can't get any of that time back that I wasted when I so selfishly spent it trying to do my own will and get someone better so he could be my boyfriend.

Kindest regards,

Sara
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Old 09-05-2008, 11:11 PM   #5
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Re: Boyfriend relapsed on Heroine after 6 months sobriety

Thank you so much everybody for your responses! It really helps put into perspective what I am dealing with, or should I rephrase not having to deal with. He knew going into our relationship that he should wait a year...he waited 6 months...(this I did not know about AA). After his relapse things have been up and down now for the past couple of weeks and I am begining to put together what you good people have mentioned. It is too stressful for someone in recovery to mandate a relationship. The pressures of WANTING to make someone else happy takes away the FOCUS of the work towards recovery. I am going to have to be the bigger person and walk away from this...no matter how much it kills me. I love him very much and hate to do so, but your right...I hold onto this relationship for my own selfish reasons and if I care about him then I need to do what is best for him.

 
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