It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Family & Friends of Addicts and Alcoholics Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 08-24-2008, 08:31 AM   #1
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: WI, USA
Posts: 3
Lilyflower1234 HB User
Boyfriend's Alcohol Addiction

Hello,
When I first met my boyfriend about 4 years ago he drank a case of beer a day. He definately doesn't drink that much anymore, but whenever he goes out and drinks he can't control his intake. He has had 4 OWI's and if he gets a fifth one he is most likely on his way to prison. He is a great guy when he is not drinking, but when he is the alcohol seems to take over his brain and all he cares about is himself. He has gone through many different alcohol classes and been in jail and on probation, but he still can't shake his addiction. He has improved, so much since I met him, but when he does drink I worry about him so much. I gave him an ultimatum a while back that he goes to a larger treatment place in a city about an hour away and he did it. He got a counselor and got into another class. The gas to get there was getting to be expensive, so he went to class only one day a week instead of the two days he was supposed to. He was only allowed to miss three or four classes, so they kicked him out. He got to keep the book and we have been working through it together periodically. He still sees the counselor every other week. I can't seem to figure out what causes his drinking. Yesterday he left the house at 2 in the afternoon with this guy that had showed up at our house in the morning. They went over to my boyfriends parents to look at a tree that needed to be cut down. From then til 5 am I did not hear from him at all! At 5 am he came home drunk. Last weekend he got drunk everynight. He obviously has a problem and he is starting to fall back into his old drinking patterns. He missed work last monday because he got drunk sunday night. Every morning after his drinking he feels bad and appoligizes and tells me he needs to try harder, but I'm not dumb. I feel like the trust is slipping between us, but I don't want our almost four year relationship to slip just because of a disease he has. I know that many people will just tell me to leave him, but honestly that is easier said than done. Does anyone know of a stronger treatment that may help? He keeps telling me he will try harder and he keeps working on his relapse prevention book, so are these drunken nights normal? It seems to me like he is relapsing, is this part of the healing process? I want to help him, but I know that there is nothing I can do! Please if there is anyone that knows of something that I can suggest to him maybe he can find the proper help he needs before the alcohol tears us apart and tears his life apart even more!

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 08-24-2008, 09:04 AM   #2
Facilitator
(male)
 
Phoenix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 3,840
Blog Entries: 33
Phoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB User
Re: Boyfriend's Alcohol Addiction

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilyflower1234 View Post
The gas to get there was getting to be expensive, so he went to class only one day a week instead of the two days he was supposed to. He was only allowed to miss three or four classes, so they kicked him out.

I know that many people will just tell me to leave him, but honestly that is easier said than done. Does anyone know of a stronger treatment that may help?

It seems to me like he is relapsing, is this part of the healing process?

I want to help him, but I know that there is nothing I can do!

Please if there is anyone that knows of something that I can suggest to him maybe he can find the proper help he needs before the alcohol tears us apart and tears his life apart even more!
Hello L,

With all due respect to your particular situation, I would have to say that his gas excuse leaves much to be desired. It appears that the cost of drinking outweighed that of driving. He clearly knew the consequences for missing classes and did so nonetheless.

Stronger treatment that will help; in all honesty, your leaving him will probably help you more than him. What it will do(with respect to him) is force him to take a closer look at his behavioral pattern. From that point, it would leave him with two decisions; face the music and do something about it or avoid the situation and continue his cycle.

Relapse is not necessarily a requirement for recovery but does happen more often than not.

A desire to stop drinking is what he will need to possess and from what you have stated, it is not present in him.

It seems to me that he has all of the necessary tools of recovery at his disposal but simply doesn't want to use them.

His drinking is already tearing your relationship apart and it will continue getting worse at this rate.

You need to look out for yourself in situations like this;do what is best for you.

Respectfully,

Phoenix
__________________
When in doubt, post it out.

Last edited by Phoenix; 08-25-2008 at 02:28 AM.

 
Old 08-24-2008, 09:19 AM   #3
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: WI, USA
Posts: 3
Lilyflower1234 HB User
Re: Boyfriend's Alcohol Addiction

Phoenix,
I know you are right. I did just want to clear up that the gas thing we absolutly didn't have the money for that extra gas. I don't think he was making excuses we just had so many bills to pay that we couldn't find the extra money to drive that hour twice a week. Thank You for your advice!
Lilyflower1234

 
Old 08-24-2008, 09:24 AM   #4
Facilitator
(male)
 
Phoenix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 3,840
Blog Entries: 33
Phoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB User
Re: Boyfriend's Alcohol Addiction

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilyflower1234 View Post
Phoenix,
I know you are right. I did just want to clear up that the gas thing we absolutly didn't have the money for that extra gas. I don't think he was making excuses we just had so many bills to pay that we couldn't find the extra money to drive that hour twice a week. Thank You for your advice!
Lilyflower1234
Lily,

I hear you but with respect to him, there definitely was money available for the consumption of alcoholic beverages(meaning that he found a way to get what he wanted,somehow; if not from you then elsewhere).

Respectfully,

Phoenix
__________________
When in doubt, post it out.

Last edited by Phoenix; 08-24-2008 at 10:13 AM. Reason: additional comment

 
Old 08-24-2008, 02:55 PM   #5
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Michigan, USA
Posts: 181
treelover HB User
Re: Boyfriend's Alcohol Addiction

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilyflower1234 View Post
Phoenix,
I know you are right. I did just want to clear up that the gas thing we absolutly didn't have the money for that extra gas. I don't think he was making excuses we just had so many bills to pay that we couldn't find the extra money to drive that hour twice a week. Thank You for your advice!
Lilyflower1234
Lily:

I never had money for a lot of things but I always had money for my drinking.

Phoenix was right on point and gave you a lot to think about. I know people who have stayed with alcoholics and people who have left alcoholics. I always believed the ones who stayed were just as unwell as the alcoholic.

There is a group called Al-Anon which is for families of alcoholics. It focuses not on the drinker but on you. I don't know too much about it because I was always on the other side of the fence.

Read up on alcholism and find out what you are dealing with. This man does not have a choice when it comes to drinking. He is physically and mentally addicted to alcohol. So he is not going to be able to wake up one day and just decide to stop drinking and do so. He needs help and so do you. Alcholics drain the life right out of you, I know.

Good Luck.

Treelover.

 
Old 08-26-2008, 08:50 PM   #6
JKN JKN is offline
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: ID
Posts: 1
JKN HB User
Re: Boyfriend's Alcohol Addiction

It is a lot easier said than done.
I did it though, I let him go after three years of the vicious circle. And it's been about five months, and I'm still angry and broken up over it, because we had a great relationship, and I feel like the alcohol robbed me of it.
I'm not as stressed anymore. I don't wake up in the middle of the night and freak out cause he's still not home. I'd try so hard to help him, but when he messed up, it hurt. It tore me down, more than him, and that isn't fair.

I definately have been focusing on MY life again.
Was it worth it? I honestly am not sure yet. I'm happy with my life, and very greatful and blessed. But I am still angry. Because He meant the world to me and I had to let him go, before I let myself go.
__________________
Just trying to understand

Last edited by mod-anon; 08-26-2008 at 10:30 PM. Reason: removed quote

 
Old 08-27-2008, 06:57 AM   #7
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: WI, USA
Posts: 3
Lilyflower1234 HB User
Re: Boyfriend's Alcohol Addiction

The next morning after the incident I had wrote about he woke up to me breaking down in tears. I had lost it, because I knew that his problem was tearing me apart! I turned on every song I could think of that made him think about how badly he was hurting me. He kept calling to me and asking if I was ok, but I just ignored him because I wanted him to suffer. He finally did get up and I layed a harsh reality into him. I told him I had nothing left, that his drinking had taken everything out of and it needed to stop. I also told him that it was apparent that he wasn't trying hard enough and it didn't seem like he would ever quit because he didn't want to. I have never seem him look so scared and heart broken in that time I've known him. He kept asking what I wanted to do that day and I said pack. I told him that I couldn't live like that anymore. I told him that I have not felt like myself for a long time now. I don't enjoy anything anymore and life is starting to seem like a chore. I honestly believe that his drinking has caused this feeling. He couldn't believe that I actually told him I was going to leave. He grabbed the cat and went into the bedroom and I believe cried. His eyes were opening up to my pain! He then came into the room I was in about fifteen minutes later and tried to talk to me. He said that he will try really hard and we can cross of each day on the calender that he is sober. He said he will also work in his relapse recovery book and go see his counselor. He is also planning on telling everyone he knows about his problem. I told him that if he doesn't tell his friends then how does he expect them to know and offer a soda instead of a beer. I know this may sound like the dumbest thing in the world, but I told him that I would stay, at the same time drilling it in his head that if he ever goes out like that again I will be packed up and gone before he even gets home. I hate to sound selfish, but I want him to prove that he loves me and can fight this addiction. He has worked on his book every night since we had that talk and I aggreed to go to an AA meeting with him. I am also considering looking up an Al-Anon meeting for myself just get find people that know my situation and can support what I'm going through. Hopefully he can fight this addiction. I'm thinking about finding him a forum like this one to type about his addiction. Maybe if he reads about how others overcame their addictions and talks with others about his it might help him out. I just hope that I am doing the right thing and not waisting some more time in my life. Although, I don't believe that most of my time was ever wasted with him, because I do love him and he wasn't always drunk, so we had a lot of good times together. Hopefully we will be able to share many more good times, but only time will tell!

 
Old 08-27-2008, 07:34 PM   #8
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 828
granny0 HB User
Re: Boyfriend's Alcohol Addiction

Hey Lili,

You've made a decision and congratulations on sticking with him on his journey to get clean.You put it all out on the table and it sounds like he is doing everything he can to stop his addiction and hang on to you. And you are doing everything you can to understand his situation and learning ways to deal with it.

You are right. Time will tell and I'm praying for him and you. He may think he can have "just one" occasionally and if he has that first "just one" drink, keep to your word and end the relationship.

Addiction is a very hard thing to overcome. Hopefully your boyfriend really wants to quit for himself and not just to pacify you. He really has to want to be clean for this to work. I'll be praying for both of you.

I think you made a good decision

Best wishes,

JB

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Is my boyfriend too insensitive? or am I too sensitive digmusic Relationship Health 21 07-09-2010 02:58 PM
Boyfriend is depressed, how can I help him?? d3sire86 Depression 0 11-30-2008 02:04 PM
Hydrocodone / Oxycodone / Alcohol... Time to stop!! Need support Proshot3 Addiction & Recovery 2 10-27-2008 03:03 PM
w/d and DTs from alcohol HandsInTheFire Addiction & Recovery 8 06-10-2006 01:49 AM
my boyfriend is an addict lzepp63 Family & Friends of Addicts and Alcoholics 3 11-06-2005 07:29 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Phoenix (4), reachout (2), captjane (2), WhistleDixie (1), sad_in_sd (1), noevr (1), solofelix (1), Stupid feet (1), kaylalala (1), Titchou (1)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1136), MSJayhawk (941), Apollo123 (856), janewhite1 (823), Titchou (770), Gabriel (743), ladybud (667), sammy64 (666), midwest1 (655), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:53 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Copyright and Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!