Want to help my alcoholic sister but am I fooling myself?
My sister is 50 years old and has been an alcholic for at least 30 years as well smokes pot every day and smokes cigerrettes. At least $50 a day and that doesn't cover food, because she hardly eats. She got herself an impaired driving charge, hit the back of a vehicle ,assulting a police office and getting out of the straps and ran away, refusing to blow. A pretty serious Friday night out, but she made lite of it like bla, bla,bla and I wasn't even doing anything wrong bla bla. My sister lives with a guy 42 years old who is also an alcoholic who does not like to work. This guy was her X-husbands best friend until 3 years ago when my sister left to move in with this guy. He is a pleasant, happy type guy but then he is always drunk. He acts like a 12 year old with ADD if he does not get attention.
I will try to shorten this up best I can, my sister confided in me that she felt the whole weekend was an eye opening event. She said her and her b/f are not good for each other, they are taking each other down-I agreed. When she told me she wanted to move closer into town for #1 when she goes to court she will lose her licence for a year at least- #2 she will need to be in closer to work as right now she is about 15 miles away.
So all of a sudden she is all pumped, tonight she found a little loft apartment close to work, stores even the liquor store. So me being the big sister told her I would help her any way I could but not to overload herself with plans and try to do everything all at once. She has work, a court date, an insurance date for the accident; finger printing next Saturday-so just take it one thing at a time.
Well she called me tonight abviously into her wine and told me she had found a really cute place and she can move in on Sunday. So can I help her get it with some $$ -"yes I will" and then she asks me if I could bring the $$ over to where she would be tomorrow! -I told her she could meet me and I would have it for her I am busy myself-I wanted her to at least put in some effort. She then turned into Ms Diva the great manipulator and started saying, well her boyfriend hadn't touched a drop all night tonight (like I care about that - it's her I worry about) she tried to tell me she only had a couple glasses of wine (well I know my sister and when she repeats herself over and over and then tells me I am confusing her by not delivering the $$ to her in the morning. She is able to move into this place on Sunday and will now need my help with some cash. I asked her who would be helping her move and she says she won't be taking much stuff to move just what she needs and will leave all her furniture with the man. I told her I would only help her if she was going to make a "positive move" like get her stuff together and get out of dodge and into her own place! Then she says her and the man won't be parting on bad terms, they just need some space from each other to figure things out! She proceeded to make me feel like I ruined all her happy plans - she ruined her own by not keeping her end of the deal. She gets all snippy and said "please don't judge me'!! ha! the judge will be judging her on Dec 19th So she said "oh don't worry I will figure it all out and find the $$ somewhere and boo-hoo.
I felt so angry and taken advantage of I told her I knew she was hammered again and that is why she is confused and can't think of more than one thing at a time-it is not because I confused her! Also seems to me she is just looking for her own quaint apartment away from him but that they will still be seeing each other because she loves him, she just needs time to sort things out. That did it! I told her she was on her own, why should I shell over $1000 to get her situated to help her get control of her life when she can't even pull it together for a week to not drink and then call me babbling and repeating all her pipe dream plans. She didn't even know the name of the street she was moving to because I got her all confused! All of a sudden her problem was to become my problem and I told her 'oh no you are not going to do that!" You have confused yourself, your life is spinning out of control at 50 years old with this loser trailer park guy and I am to foot the bill so she can pretend she is on Sex and the City with her single girl life>to make her guy see that she is sitting "cool" in her funky pad. So now I have ruined everything and she couldn't even meet me half way to pick up the money I was to "give" NOT loan her because I know I will never see it again and wouldn't want to stress her out more.
Was I wrong in saying it like it is, was she upset because she was hearing the reality? I really do worry about her but when people inflick their pain on me and then mess with me my anxiety level goes right up and at that time I have NO respect for her at all. I can't stand the situation or her. After that conversation I will not answer her calls tomorrow when she wants to beg me for my help again because she is so sorry she talked so rotten to me-I think she needs to learn that she has to stand up for herself if she has such big plans. She has cleverly forgotten the 24 hr suspension, her vehicle was towed away, she got chared with impaired driving,spent the night in jail, spit on the cop and kicked him where it hurts and then ran away from the cop! All she is thinking about is her funky pad that I was going to pay for!
Is it me?? Should I start drinking so I can relate? Isn't she a tad selfish and into herself? Oh, it gets better-the next day when she picked up her vehicle she had to go to the cop shop to pick up a temp licence, her man went in and the cop smelled booze on him and gave him a 24hr suspension and confiscated the vehicle again!!! Perhaps I need a new family.
Last edited by ebrena; 11-28-2008 at 11:48 PM.
Reason: words and spelling
Re: Want to help my alcholic sister but am I fooling myself?
You and your sister have been playing this game for 30 years and nothing has changed and nothing is going to change unless YOU change yourself and read and practice Tough Love and My name is Bill...and any other book you can find to read on Alcoholics. I am sorry but You are enabler and unless you can stop seeing/talking to your sister until she is clean and sober then you will continue to enable her and this game will continue until the day one of you dies. Alcohol robs families of so much but unfortunately nothing you say to your sister will change a thing...alcoholics are never anything but drunk so there is never a time in their day that you can expect to have a reasonable conversation. Good luck with whatever you do but remember only you can change and only when your sister hits her rock bottom will she change.
Re: Want to help my alcholic sister but am I fooling myself?
My heart goes out to you. Having an alcoholic relative is extremely painful and can really mess up your life. You can't pick a new family, and starting drinking yourself most definitely won't help. May I make a suggestion? Al-Anon is a support group for people whose lives have been affected by a relative or friend's drinking. It helped me a lot when I was living with an alcoholic (my former significant other). I think it could help you, too. It's anonymous (no one asks your name or where you live or any personal details about you), you don't have to say a word if you don't want to, and it's free. Please consider going to a few meetings. I'm sure it's listed in your local phone book. You'll meet people who can completely relate to your situation. Good luck.