I need help! My wife is severely addicted to hydrocodone and is in a rapid downward spiral. History: She told me after we were married that she had used various drugs in the past (probably 10 years ago). She has always been a fairly heavy drinker (we've been married 5 years). Last year she started smoking pot off and on. This spring she got some cocaine and did it one night. I told her that she could not be doing that. About 3-4 months later our marriage was in BAD shape. She got drunk one night and said she had something to tell me. She said she had been doing cocaine with a friend of mine for 3 months but that she had quit a week earlier. I was stunned but said ok and that I would support her. Shortly after this she changed jobs. Very quickly rumors started that a large sum of money was missing from her old job. Eventually, the police charged her with felony theft. At this point, she is still awaiting outcome of those charges. Shortly after she changed jobs our kids daycare started getting behind (she was supposed to pay), she started bouncing large numbers of checks, and our relationship went down and down. About 4 weeks ago she told me she wanted a divorce. We have 2 small children. Since then, the friend she was doing the cocaine with told me that she had been on prescription painkillers she was buying off the street and that they were VERY expensive (said she was paying $8-$10 a pill). I started looking around through drawers, purse, etc and found several recent, empty bottles for hydrocodone... some prescribed to her and some prescribed to other people. She is drinking LARGE amounts of alcohol(bottle of wine+ a night) and appears to be going through the pills at a rapid pace (she got a bottle of 40 from a doctor on Tues and it was gone by Sat night). They contain large amounts of acetom. and I'm concerned she is doing serious damage to her liver. I've figure out that since Aug 1 she has gotten over $5000 from friends, family and me. During the month of Oct she got $1575 from various online "paycheck advance" sites. When they started deducting the money from her account for the payback she closed the account and opened a new one. All this money is on top of the $4800+ she has gotten in salary since then. I need HELP! I don't know how to confront her about this. At this point, she is wanting a divorce but obviously she cannot care for our children safely and I want her to get the help she needs. My family is aware of what is going on but I cannot talk to her family... she has been telling her mother all kinds of bad things about me for several months... saying she needs money because I haven't been buying what our kids need, etc. I've thought about just confronting her by myself but don't know if that is a good idea. We have seen a counselor once to discuss the best way to deal with the kids, etc without fighting after the divorce. I did NOT bring any of the drug stuff up in front of the counselor. I have since told the counselor and we have another appointment scheduled. I am worried about bringing this up in front of the counselor because she is going to flip and say I'm trying to gang up on her with the counselor, etc. I've been in talks with a lawyer and can pre-emptively file for divorce but it's going to turn into a court battle with an attorney ad-litem being assigned. They would investigate both sides of our story, etc and determine the best thing for the kids. I really just want her to get the help she needs but I don't know what to do!
I am so sorry for the situation you have found yourself in. Being a recovering addict myself, I have to tell you that very little you can say or do will help unless she wants to get clean. Until I hit my own bottom, and it is different for everyone, I was unable and unwilling to seek any help. However, in the best interest of your children, you do need to confront her and doing it with the couselors help is probably best.
Trust me, you cannot let your children go with this woman while she is still in an active using state. You will be putting their very lives at stake if you do. As their father it is your responsibility to keep them safe and secure. Unfortunately things will probably get ugly, but your choices seem to be limited. She is already in trouble with the law and if that didn't snap her into reality, she may have a ways to go before she hits bottom and you certainly don't want her dragging your kids down with her.
I will pray for you, your wife and your kids. I wish I had some better suggestions for you.
What a very hard situation to be in. It sounds like there has been so much that has gone on and so much yet to come...
Try to stay strong! She is only going to get help if she wants to and is ready. Sometimes we wish we could make these choices for others but you can't. You have to do what is best for you as well... I think when a person is so focused on "saving" someone else they love they forget about taking care of themself.
Keep us posted on how you are doing. You are welcome to post here anytime.
You and yours will be in my thoughts and prayers!
Unfortunately, things are not going well. She is not even close to admitting that she has a problem. I've tried reaching out to here a few times recently... not bringing up the drugs but just trying to tell her I'm there for her, I'm worried about her, etc. She is COMPLETELY unresponsive and defiant. At this point, she has made up a huge number of stories and lies for months and months about all the money she has borrowed, etc. She basically blames me for everything that is wrong with her life and has told everyone (my family, her family, friends, etc) that I haven't been taking care of the kids, didn't ever pay for food, etc for the kids, was running out spending all of our money on myself, etc. This was how she got money from several of our friends and family members. I think she's told them so much and is in such denial about what is going on that she actually believes her own lies. She has become involved with several different men and I know she has gotten money from at least 2 of them.
I've realized I can't help her now so I'm focusing on our kids and making sure they are safe. I've been working with a lawyer and a therapist on plotting out the best course to keep them safe. This is truly and awful, awful experience and it's completely wearing me down.
Hang in there and be strong for the kids. They truly are the totally innocent ones and you have to protect them. I will be thinking of you and your kids and hope you can have a Merry Christmas at your family's home. God Bless
My heart just aches for you and your kids! I am so sorry she is not willing to get help. At this point you HAVE to do what is best for you and the children. I am sure that is the hardest thing you have ever had to do but as you know your childrens safety is what is most important and right now... She is not fit to be in control of them. I am sorry! I am sure you are hurting and are heartbroken... I do really feel for you.
I will be thinking and praying for you this weekend and will be back on here Monday AM so keep us posted. Hang in there.. Take care of yourself and the kids and try to enjoy them this holiday season as they grow up so fast!
Well.... not much good to report. I took the kids to visit some relatives out of state for a long weekend. She had gotten some small amount of cash from people for Christmas (probably $100 total). I checked call logs and she called her dealer Fri and Sat. Sunday AM I sat down and sent her an email saying I knew she was doing prescription painkillers and that I knew she was in a lot of trouble but that I was willing to stand by her and support her if she would get help. In the past few weeks I had told her several times that I was there for her if she needed to talk or needed help but never mentioned the drug addiction. Then she was VERY defiant. She was not defiant with this but she did tell all kinds of lies and denied she had done anything in a long time and said she never was doing the pain pills regularly. I know everyone says she won't get help until she hits bottom but I had to try. She is now saying she wants to try and work on our marriage. I would love to work on our marriage but obviously she has to get help/clean first. At this point I don't know what to do. I think I've gathered enough evidence that I can file for divorce and get full custody of the kids. But I really want my wife back and they need their mother... the person she was before she became an addict. I've thought about just laying out all the evidence I have (I didn't provide any details in my email) and maybe that will force her to face the fact that she needs help but I'm afraid it will not and it will just make her withdraw further. The whole situation is by far the worst thing I've ever been through in my entire life. For those of you out there who are addicts and are reading this and are thinking about cleaning up, DO IT! You are destroying yourselves and very likely others around you. My wife is facing probably a minimum of 1 year in prison (and possibly 4-6) for theft from a job.... she has bounced probably 20 checks in the past month.... she has gotten $2000 in "pay day" loans which she has since closed the account so they can't get their money back so they will be coming after her..... our house has been foreclosed because of all the money she took from me.... I'm close to losing my job from all the time consumed dealing with her.... she has ruined her life and is close to ruining my life and the lives of our children.
Honestly at this point it sounds like you need to do what you have to, to salvage your job and provide a stable home for your children, if that means filing for a legal seperation and gaining custody of your children, then that may be what you have to do. What will going down with her and putting your children through that prove? You have to have a job to take care of them, they've already lost their home, and this must be scaring them....I know it sounds harsh....but she really is not going to wake up until she's ready too, and it this point it seems like that won't be until she's in jail.