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Old 02-20-2009, 09:24 AM   #1
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madhen17 HB User
My 13 yr old daughter is in trouble

I'm losing my bright ,beautiful, funny, caring, innocent little girl to the world of drugs and I don't know how to stop it.
Her Father and I have always been very involved in her life and I have tried so very hard to keep the lines if communication open but when she shuts down and turns away she won't listen even if I am screaming.

Her mood changes has been gradual (and she is 13)so I can't be positive how long this is been going on. A few months ago she was at a friends B-day party and we later found out that she had gotten dunk and stoned. She said it was her first time and she was just wondering about it. We were shocked at first because she has always been so anti-drug and would put down anyone who used. We talked with her, cried with her, and found out who she did it with so we could be more careful who she spent time with. As time went on she started to change so much. She, my daughter, couldn't stand me anymore. I feel like she was close to hating me. She never listened, was horribly disrespectful, lied, didn't care about her reputation, went fom friend to friend, boy to boy, started failing her classes.

We finally said enough. We confronted her, took her phone, read all her messages, took over her my space read everything and blocked her acess and the things we found out left us heart broken. She's been buying pot and finding booze and hating herself enough to use it. She does not see the severity of this and how all this is a jummping board on to other things. To her is "no big deal" and we should just "butt out"

I'm writing this because I want to handle this the right way. I have to believe I can pull her back. It is important that I do it the right way and I have knowlege. I'm hoping to get that fom all of you. We have ideas, counceling, changing schools, a type of aa but if anyone has any stories or ideas they would share with her that might hit home that smoking pot and drinking today does indeed impact your tomarrows I would be so grateful. Please any help, it has to be better than what I'm doing now.

thank-you

 
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Old 02-20-2009, 10:25 AM   #2
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crocheting HB User
Re: My 13 yr old daughter is in trouble

I am a 41 year old mother of two 24 year. And 8 yrs. 2 year. Old grand baby. I have been on my own since I was 15 yrs. Old. It started with the pot and drinking for me. To make a very long story short.....pot and drinking always in my opinion lead to harder drugs. I am VERY strict with my girls, my adult daughter never has tryed drugs, she drinks once in a while at partys. Since I was on my own so young, from a raised in a rough area I am VERY street smart. My oldest daughter after the age of 12 was not allowed to attend ANY parties unless I was present the whole time. I never left her alone with other parents either. I don't trust anyone with my kids! All her friends could come over anytime even for lots of sleepovers. But I would never allow my girls to sleepover at anyones house except Nana. No dating until 18 yrs. Any younger in my eyes is to young to be alone with a young man. Group dating GREAT! Just a overview of how I have been able to keep control until my girls were mature enough to spread there wings and fly. You might want to try this.....all of her friends you should know very well, and there parents. I would not allow my daughters to have any kind of contact with anyone I had not known and approved of. I would drug test once a week if you feel she is using. This can be done at her doctors office or almost all drugstores sell drug testing kits. Do not let her know when you will test her, there are kits that are sold to flush your system. You will need to stand firm, I know it can hurt when your baby hates you. Tough love can save her life. Most important is to get the control back, it can be done. Check all her things daily, show up at school check her locker and desk, drug test weekly never at the same day and times. Do you have a house alarm? If you do make sure her windows are set, she should not know year alarm code, she has lost that privilige. Group drug counseling with kids her age. I would start there, you must take back the control. I always tell my daughters I could care less how other people parent there children, my way IS the only way for my girls, who are very spoiled! Do not feel guilty......if one of my daughters tryed to stray off path, they could sit in there room with everything taken away until they got on track again. Don't forget that she may be sneaking out at night without you knowing. I would also call your local police dept. And ask about a teen class on the dangers of drinking/drugs while driving. Those classes usually make a big impact on teens. They give them a intense wal through of what can happen. Make sure you know if she has a boyfriend, if she is altered right now on drugs she could make a bad choice and end up oregany' then her drug use will have impacted a innocent child. Baby raising baby. I know I am firm, but for good reason . Been there, done that! Please let me know if you have any questions at all, we are all here for you. Sorry it is so long.
Crocheting

 
Old 02-20-2009, 11:01 AM   #3
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Secrets1983 HB User
Re: My 13 yr old daughter is in trouble

Welcome Madhen,

I am sorry to hear of your situation. Boy does it sound familiar though... 13 was the magic number for me.... I will tell you my story summed up.. My parents went thru a terrible divorce when I was 6... My father remarried 6 months later to a woman who at the time I hated but now love. She had 4 children.. All much older than me.. The nearest step sibling was 6 years older than I. I looked up to her so much.. Wanted to be just like her.... My Mother was in and out of abusive relationships which caused me to have to live with my father, his new wife and her children... Well, as a few years passed.... I wanted to be like my older siblings.. I smoked my first cigarette at 9.... YES.. I said 9.... That is horrible now that I look back... I started going to bars with my sister when I was 13.. (I looked like I was 21) so it was nothing but trouble!!!!! with a CAPITAL T. I drank to fit in and feel good... Well, when I was 15 then I started smoking pot here or there.... very rarely as I was in school and heavily into sports... For a few years there I cleaned up pretty good because sports were so important to me.. However, I did drink at high school parties.... (luckily I never got caught) I held good grades, ended up being the prom queen and grew up into a nice young woman.. Well... unfortunetly, now as an adult I ended up getting sick for a time which lead to pain pill addiction which I think looking back... I should have known could have been a problem because I used to drink when I was young to forget about my messed up life.... So..... IT IS A BIG DEAL she is partying and what not at 13.... It leads to being a 25 year old woman struggling with an addiction... If I could only be 13 again.... What I wouldn't do to change things.... Hind sight is 20 20 though right?

As a parent it is time to BATTON DOWN THE HATCHES.. You are not supposed to be her friend right now.. YOU ARE HER MOTHER and it's high time she takes you seriously.. I agree with Crocheting.... time to play the tough love card.. My Mom never knew about all of my partying because she was in abusive relationships that had her consumed..... If she would have known.. She would have played the tough love card.. I know she would have.. Instead I buffalowed my parents into thinking they had the PERFECT CHILD. Boy, the real story was so much different. It sounds as though you are a great mother who loves her daughter with all her heart! She is lucky to have you.

Good luck to you and feel free to ask for anything.... no question is off limits.. We are here for you!
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~Secrets

 
Old 02-20-2009, 11:27 AM   #4
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carrara HB User
Re: My 13 yr old daughter is in trouble

Madhen17
I have a 13 year old daughter myself , and went through hell when my step daughter was 13,so I really know what you are going through. My step daughter started using drugs at 13 and we were also caught off gaurd because she had come to live with us to get away from her mother who was an addict and achaolic.She always said her mothers addictions had ruined her life and she would never let it happen to her.
Then the lying started and skipping school and then the stealing. Tell you daughter about this or let hker read it herself. She is 22 now and has stuggled to sray clean ever since she started at 13. She has stollen money from us her baby brothers college fund , stollen jewellery and pawned it, written bad checks at moneymart and all those payday loan places. We get phone calls everyday from collection agency looking for her. Dhe got pregnant at 19. The fathert and her were both using crack. She finally left him when he beat the crap out of her at 5 monthes pregant, she had left town with him and we had to send here a plane ticket to get her home, but she never came to the house she went off with a guy she had been talking to online that was 35. She stayed clean through the rest of the prenancy. She had a girl and she is ok thank god. But she went back to using a year latter, once you become an addict IT IS WITH YOU THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!! We had to take custody of our grand daughter and forced her to go to drug conciling and the whole nine yards. The 35 yaer old turned out to be a sex offender and went to jail. We were horified, He was convicted of having sex with his 16 year old cousin. She had know about it and went with him anyway, she was so screwed up at the time. Now she ia 22 pregnant again and only stopped using after she found out. She has custody of her daughter as well and we live in fear of her next relaps. AND SO DOES SHE!!!! Her mother died when she was seventeen, that was the cause of one of her relapes. The only times she has stayed clean is 4 or 5 monthes at a time. She know drugs will ruin her life but she goes back to them anyway. She had her daughter taken away and she didn't stop using untill 4 monthes latter and only because she was pregnant again and knew what crack would do to the baby. That was the only thing that has given her the will to quit. We pray that after the baby comes she can somehow handle the stress of 2 kids and won't relaps again. This doesn't have to happen to your daughter. Do everything you can now to convince her to stop now while she still can. Hopfully she hasn't tried anything more then weed and booze as they are bad enough to get away from. I Know this story has scarded you but it is all true and maybe it will help her. There must be a "scared straight" drug program or concelling . Find one and make her go. Good Luck and we will pray for you and her. carrara









fi

 
Old 02-20-2009, 12:28 PM   #5
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Lugar22 HB User
Re: My 13 yr old daughter is in trouble

Hiya mate,
Listen to the advice on here very carefully as they are heartfelt and honest. We all have similar stories in the sense that mild drugs have led to harder stuff. Me? Well , pretty much the same. I started to rebell as a young teenager with pot and thought my parents were creating a big fuss over nothin much. Whats the big deal?I used to scream at them. Now I know. It led me down a disasterous road which has ended in herion and crack addiction. As Secrets said , boy what we would all give to have this knowledge and be at that hard age again. My parents were tough with me but not tough enough in some respects - they would drive me to the pubs and pick me up when I was 15. I know it was only cause they wanted me to be safe but maybe it helped me get what I wanted (which was alcohol and to hang with peeps much older than me).
The others have all said what I would say , be tough and watch out for all the excuses and lies that may come to bear. BUT, remember that no matter what she says , Im sure she loves you both to bits and is having a hard time finding her feet. Through all my addictions and crap I forced on my parents they never abandoned me. Make sure that whatever you do you tell her it is because you love her and dont want her to get hurt. Show her these messages if you feel that we could get thru to her. She is trying to find her way in the world at that hard age when you are no longer a child but definately not an adult.
Madhen , I truly hope this all helps and please check back with us to let us know how you are getting on. Maybe we could support you too!
Blessings x0x0x0

 
Old 02-20-2009, 12:43 PM   #6
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madhen17 HB User
Re: My 13 yr old daughter is in trouble

Thank-you Crocheting for your post. I also have a 21 yr old daughter and believed I had seen it all. I am also a believer in tough love...nothing could get by me. But my youngest is smart. She watched, waited, and learned from her big sister and knew when and how to play us and did a very good job. I also didn't want to "see" what was now pretty obvious but my eyes are open now and I'm watching everything. Your advice about changing our alarm codes and finding out what the police offeres in programs for teens was wonderful. I will be doing that. Thank-you again for helping us


Secrets, my daughter to looks up to her 21 yr old sister. It has always been hard for her to understand why she couldn't have the same privlages and freedom as her 8 yr OLDER sister could (and of course the older one always rubbed it in) She always wanted to be around her older sister but she never had the time of day for her. Now she is the one who wants the responsibility of taking her to our teen chapter of NA because she wants to support her. I'm still thinking if that is a good idea or not. (for her to take her) We have taken everything away from Michelle except her softball because I'm hoping sports will have the same effect on her that it did on you. Thank-you for the encouragement.

Carrara, I think your message was my "scared straight program" I am doing everything in my power to make sure that this is something she does'nt need to turn to again. We will be returning to church on sundays and be active and involeved, I contacted our doctor and set up counseling, she will have some type of participation in our teen Na program, and possibly teen drug program from the police dept. when I get mor info,and love (tough when needed) and support from us. I just want her to know that it doesn't matter where she's at she can find support anywhere if she just looks. I hope I'm not over kill. I just want her back so bad.

Thank-you all for reaching out to us and offering your support and help.

 
Old 02-20-2009, 12:49 PM   #7
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Re: My 13 yr old daughter is in trouble

Just wanted to say it may be worth considering letting older sis take younger sis to the teen challenge meets. Maybe she will feel that she can open up a bit more to her older sister , and as she has always looked up to her maybe the older one could impart some really great life skills. Sometimes for a teenager its hard to listen to anything our parents have to say - even if we know its the right thing. Its that kicking against the system syndrome.
I just thought maybe its worth a thought but you know your daughters well and will make the right choice im sure.
Blessings.........

 
Old 02-20-2009, 12:52 PM   #8
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madhen17 HB User
Re: My 13 yr old daughter is in trouble

Lugar,
This is what I needed. That is just how she reacts to us. Like we are ruining her life. That we don't understand anything. We are just making a big deal out of nothing...everyone does it.
We thought about changing her school but you know, it will still be a problem there. I just want to help her be strong enough inside for her to be able to say no...anywhere. It just kills me that day by day she's growing farther and farther away and I might not be able to reach her. Thank you for thinking of us and when she is ready I will show her these stories of support, advice and encouragment

 
Old 02-21-2009, 07:57 AM   #9
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Lugar22 HB User
Re: My 13 yr old daughter is in trouble

So glad that some of the advice helped. I think you are right not to make her move schools (yet) as she will just resent you for that and the goal is to equip her to say no in any enviroment, and we all know that pretty much any school is gonna have the 'bad crowd' where she can access the things you dont want her too. I thought about your issue last night and matched it up with my own story.......I was so horrid to my parents at that age....so thought I knew better. Im glad that while they were tough , they always made it known that they would never abandon me no matter what. I think thats important cause (speaking for myself) if Id lost my family then there really wouldnt been much holding me back. Somewhere in my brain there was still the notion that I didnt really want to hurt them, so some things (like prostition/crime/prison) were off limits. I wanted to say that if you plant a good seed and nourish it then even if it goes thru a few harsh winters , it will come back to flourish. No matter how bad it gets , Im sure your daughter in time will come back to you. It took me untill I had kids of my own but knowadays me and my mum (my dad died 8 yrs ago) are proper tight.
Good luck!
As always.....CC

 
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