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Old 04-07-2010, 10:53 PM   #1
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My marriage with an addict

I just felt like writing a brief summary of a few events with my pill addicted husband. It helped me to read other people's stories when I was going through this, so well, here it is:

We left the pediatrician’s office not even 16hrs ago, but my husband and I are now rushing our 16 month old boy to urgent care. The doctor immediately takes Jacob back and starts administering epi pens while giving him continous breathing treatments. I know it is bad, but it wasn’t until I heard the doctor on the phone with the hospital explaining that they can not stabilize our son and that he is in critical condition and the trauma unit needs to be prepped. My heart skipped beats and while I wanted to break down, I had to do it silently on the inside as I needed to remain strong for my boy and try to calm him. I rode with our son in the ambulance while my husband drove separate. We arrive at the trauma unit and immediately my son and I were surrounding by more doctors and nurses than I could count. As the monitors turn on and I see my son’s stats, I finally realized how bad it was. Heart rate in the 240’s, trachs all over the board, O2 stats in the 70’s while on continuous oxygen/treatments/epi shots. I am now freaking out, but still remaining calm on the outside. I am holding my limp son in my arms as he is rapidly breathing at 80 breaths/minute…fighting for any bit of air he can grasp. I keep telling him that mommy loves him and he is going to be okay. Where is my husband? I need him. We need him. He should’ve been here by now. We were only 15 minutes away from the hospital. After 3.5 hrs, we are still in the trauma unit and the boy is being prepped to be taken to the intensive care unit. My husband finally arrives. He decides to tell me an excuse of why he is late. I have my suspicions, but now is not the time. My son spent 10 days recovering in the ICU. After we were released, I check credit card statements and cell phone records(a tracking device as well). It was soon obvious that after my husband left the urgent care, he decided while our son’s life was on the line, to call his dentist and have him call in a prescription for vicodin. If that wasn’t enough, he decided to go buy some Oxycontin too from a friend of his. I was devastated. How could he think about drugs while his son is fighting for his life. I knew my husband loved his son more than anything in this world, so why wasn’t he there for us. I had a lot to learn about addiction and how a substance can take complete control of someone.
I had already gone through one at home detox with my husband during the summer preceeding this incident. I believed him when he told me that he had it under control and moderation was key. I loved my husband and wanted to believe in him. He was a successful man, so all the stories that you hear about drug addicts, well, not my husband….afterall, he is successful. I went through 3 more detoxes with him during the next year or so. He said he wanted to change and even cried over his addiction. Then again, he would lie to my face about taking pills. He would protect his pills at all costs no matter the consequences to our marriage. He would sleep for 2-3 days at a time. He ended up seeking ‘friendship’ in another woman as our marriage crumbled over the dishonesty, neglect, and arguments. Everything was always turned around to be my fault and I guess maybe he felt that if we were fighting, then it made it okay to take more pills. I believe he neglected me since I was able to tell by his pupils if he was high. He would deny it and I would get angry. I started researching addiction online and eventually handled the situation differently. I tried to be overly supportive and tried to do an intervention with his family. I had the support of his family with the exception of his mother who was in complete denial herself and insisted if he did do drugs, well, then it was just to be able to tolerate my arse. While I thought I was trying to help my husband, he saw me as the enemy since I was trying to separate him from his substances. In his mind, he NEEDED this stuff and I was getting in the way.
I finally hit rock bottom and had to kick him out. I was emotionally and physically exhausted from worrying all the time. I knew he would end up killing himself in a car accident or overdosing. My son and I would be better off without his poisonous toxins that was having a negative impact on us. Immediately after he left, the financial crisis started. I never realized how bad things had gotten. We were worth $3 million. What do you mean that our businesses are going under. What do you mean that my husband hasn’t paid our home mortgage payment. What happened?! Drugs happened. Not only did he neglect our family, he also started neglecting the businesses until they were no longer making a profit and ran into the ground.
Three months later, my husband was life flighted after flipping the convertible with a brain injury. He was under the influence of xanax, oxy, and marijauana. He spent 2 months basically in a coma. He made an amazing recovery(within 2 months, he was walking/talking…and while he will have permanent short term memory problems ect, he made almost a complete recovery). He was fully detoxed as I was still legally his wife and informed the hospital of the addiction and to keep him off of all of these types of medications. After a near fatal car accident, he finally said that he is over his addiction and feels blessed to be alive. He overdosed just 3 weeks later, but again, he recovered.
It has been a year and a half from the accident. I know he is still taking pills. I only allow supervised visitation with our son. Our son is only 4.5 yrs old, but he knows something is wrong. He complains that when he does get to see his daddy that his daddy sleeps all the time. He naturally loves his daddy and misses his daddy. The easy solution would be to have his daddy join society as a responsible loving father, but with my husband’s addiction, it will never be that easy. Drugs will continue to take control of that man, while my son gets to feel the neglect and embarrassment of his daddy’s addiction.
Hindsight, I regret not leaving earlier. I spent years trying to help him. Looking from the outside in, I should’ve left earlier. Most of his family told me to leave earlier. My suggestion to those out there is do NOT UNDERESTIMATE your spouse’s addiction. I know you want to believe them and that all of this won’t happen to you and that your spouse’s addiction is not as extreme, but I USED TO SAY THAT! If you see a problem, do not tolerate it and demand they seek help OUTSIDE of home and get into rehab/group therapy. If your spouse is not willing to help themselves, you cannot do it for them. It is their decision in the end to get their addiction under control. I sympathize to anyone going through this. I know I read other people’s stories online while I was researching addiction and some stories helped me sort some stuff out, so I felt compelled to write on myself in case it could help someone else. I am now bankrupt, sole caregiver of our son that is still in and out of the hospital, amongst trying to salvage what is left of any businesses. My husband continues on his destructive path and is now only 115 lbs at 43 yrs old(anorexic..I believe he has liver damage from the pill abuse). The rest of his family is tore apart. Chalk one up to the pills….we lost this fight. Please do an early intervention or walk away before it is too late. I am right there with a lot of you. I hate the drug addiction and what it did to our family, but yet still feel guilty for not being able to save him and be there for him. It is a vicious cycle and I still cry myself to sleep at nights out of feeling sorry for him and my son. His addiction robbed us all of so many things. Again, please don’t underestimate the addiction and loose your self worth as I did.

 
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Old 04-08-2010, 12:07 AM   #2
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Re: My marriage with an addict

Your story is compelling and heartbreaking. Thank you very much for writing it..

 
Old 04-08-2010, 03:39 AM   #3
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Re: My marriage with an addict

cincin5000...I'm so sorry for everything you've had to endure but it sounds like you are one he!! of a strong woman because of it! I wish you & your son all the happiness in the world! Thank you for sharing your story with us. Take care & God bless.
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Old 04-08-2010, 09:00 AM   #4
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Re: My marriage with an addict

Hello cincin,

Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you and your son all the luck in the world. I believe that everything happens for a reason, so be grateful that you have your son. Try to stay positive and look forward, not back at that part of your life. Make plans for the future and know that you are a wonderful mother for doing what you did.

Sincerely,
emsmom

 
Old 04-08-2010, 11:10 AM   #5
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Re: My marriage with an addict

Thank you cincin!

Your story has touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes. I wish you and your son a life of endless happiness.

You have gone thru a very horrible experience and I am so proud of the strength you had for you and for your son. Your son is very lucky to have you as his Mother. You sound like an amazingly strong woman.

Thank you for sharing your story! It will help more people than you could ever imagine.

Many blessings to you!
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Old 04-08-2010, 10:43 PM   #6
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Re: My marriage with an addict

I can't thank you enough for sharing this. I came here to gather information on my sinus issues, but somehow ended up here. My husband is an alcoholic and we have an almost 3-year-old son. Last week I finally had the balls to tell him that unless he gets help, our marriage will be over. Which stinks, because I love him so very much. He is in denial, because he goes to work, he is a great father, so in his mind how could he be an alcoholic? We've made him an appt. with an addiction specialist at the end of the month. I'm hoping the counselor will be able to clarify to my husband that addicts aren't just one type of people. Some say that addicts are the hardest workers and you'd never knowthey were an addict at all.

I am so scared right now. What will happen to my home? Am I going to be able to make it financially? How will this affect my son, who is in love with his Daddy? How will I get through this, because although I am starting to get bitter, I still love him very, very much. We have been married for almost 11 years.

So yes, I'm petrified. But I've finally found the strength to stand by this ultimatum. Step by step. Gotta get through this first appt. and then see. If he continues to go and gets a little better, then we'll give it another few weeks and see how he does. But if he goes to that first appt and refuses to return, that's it. I have to go on with my life. I've spent the last 10 years of my life looking after him and putting my dreams on hold in order to take care of him. As much as I hate to have to leave him sad and lonely, it's time for me and my son to start LIVING!!

Thanks again for posting, dear.

 
Old 10-05-2011, 12:31 PM   #7
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Re: My marriage with an addict

Hi,
I know you wrote this over a year ago but it really touched my heart. I hope things have gotten better for you now. I am currently married to a drug addict myself. This is the first time I have ever reached out or read about other people dealing with the same thing. It is definitely a painful thing to deal with especially when there are kids involved. I have 3 and they are now old enough to really know what is going on. He has been addicted for at least 10 years. I'm at the point now where I am trying to decide if I want to put him out. He doesn't work, he has lived with everyone in his family and friends. I always worry about where he is going to go or what he is going to do. I know it's time that I take care of me and my children. I have to protect my children. Again I hope you are doing better and you are definitely in my prayers.

 
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