Reach, I hope you're out there cause I need some encouragement. I have been dealing with this (my son) for so long and now I have to separate myself from him. Even if it means no contact forever. Don't understand it and I've been to meetings, group discussion for parents...but I guess no one knows unless they've been there. He went into rehab for 36 days and came home in January. Did great for 3-4 months. but has relapsed 2-3 times that I know of. My rules while he was here at home were random drug tests, curfew during week so no excuse for not getting to work. he's almost 25 and has to be treated like a teenager. This last go around did it for me. He said he couldn't pass a drug test because he took some xanax 5 days ago. Lies, lies and more lies. I can tell the minute I look at him, even if he took them the day before. 7 years I have dealt with this. Now I am done. He doesn't want to stop or he would go to his meetings, and at least get involved with recovery. Just need some words of encouragement.
I have been there with my teenage son as well. We have cut him off from everything--no computer, cell phone, friends, we wasted money and time on treatment. he wold come to therapy high ( pot). Finally we just told him--- you are on your own good bye. The lies and stealing just go too much for us to deal with.
It is the best thing we have ever done.
Well, my friend, I felt my jaw drop when I saw your post. It really took me by surprise, although probably no where near as much as it did you. That damn Xanax really has a hold on him and just keeps calling his name. You know, my family doctor and quite a few nurse used to tell me all the time that Xanax was an evil drug and they sure knew what they were talking about. I thought it was great for such a long time until I had to go through withdrawals from it. Horrid. I never want to use that drug for anything again.
I don't know what goes through Son's mind. I have a feeling that he thinks just a 'taste' once in a while would feel good. He is not truly ready to give it up for good. Too little time in recovery each time. Not enough time working on changing that thinking which must occur or he will continually sabotage himself with a 'taste'.
Flint, I have never quite walked in your shoes. Not sure if I would have the courage to do what lifeaftr40 has done, but I believe in my heart it is what needs to be done. He needs to be totally shut out for now. Like a little kid in timeout, he can not be part of the group until he gets the point. How long will it take? I do not know, dear friend, but I know that for your mental health, you can not go on like this anymore.
I think he must be told in a firm and calm way thathe can not remain in your home or a part of any family activities at this time. Fight to maintain control as you tell him this... get emotional and he will just use it as an excuse to use.
Flint, you have been a wonderful parent for many, many years. You have stood by him and made it possible for him to achieve sobriety if he chose to do so. The time has come to stop catching him when he falls. If he ends up in a shelter, then so be it. He refuses to fit into the healthy mode you have tried to provide him. Okay. Then he must make his own mold for his life. When it comes to a point when we can not exert influence or control on our child, it is time for the child to fly free.
I am so sorry, Flint. I know you love your boy. I also believe he loves you. His using is not in any way related to hurting or upsetting you, but it is, nevertheless, doing exactly that. We give our lives to our children as they grow becxause we owe that to them. By the time they reach 25, we owe ourselves a life, we owe our marriages a life and the time comes when these things need to be the priority. Even in this, our children learn that we must be responsible for ourselves, that we each have a life to live and fulfill.
None of this is giving up hope on him, Flint. It is merely accepting that we can not change others; they must change themselves. I have always advised younger parents to never compromise their morals to accommodate a child. Stick to the path you believe to be morally correct and believe that someday the child will return to it, even if they are currently astray. Be firm in your convictions. I think that is the best hope for all of this. Love not withstanding, his lifestyle can no longer be a part of your life.
You are in my heart, Flint. I am hurting with you and will be praying with you that he canget it together in a way that will last. Please stay in touch.
OMG. I needed that and I knew you would give it to me!!! I am going to concentrate on me and my hubby now. He is 3 yrs from railroad retirement. We bought a used motor home and we have already planned 2 trips. I will be getting the locks changed on the doors at home, because he still has a key...alarm will be set.....19 yr old is fed up with it all too. He has been disappointed by his brother so many times. I really don't like leaving 19 yr old at home when we go camping, because I don't know what his brother will do. Come to the house, can't get in, cause trouble, break a window......I just tell him call the police.....don't answer door. So sad we have to do this.
Thank you so much Reach, I've been on this board a long time and try to keep up with you guys.....keep writing....your words help so many of us!!!
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I know someone who is 50 years old...that's 5-0...and is still using, still an addict, and still trying to freeload off of her elderly, disabled parents. Her mom is in her early 70s and can't even walk, and her dad is in his mid-70s and has had strokes and artery surgery...yet this 50 year old woman continues to badger them for money and to buy her a car (she traded the last car he bought her for crack). She doesn't work. Her parents even raised her 3 children (by 3 different fathers!), but not a thank you from her, she just bothers her own kids for money now so she can buy drugs. One would hope that at age 50 she might have gotten tired of the routine. She has been in jail so many times I lost count and her kids were born addicted to cocaine, she looks awful and is often unwashed and disheveled, yet she doesn't stop. She is now living with an elderly woman (not a relative) who allows her to stay and supplies her with drugs, but they have a very strange relationship...I can't even speculate, but the older woman orders her around and she does what the woman orders, probably so she can get the drugs. It's just a tragedy, but it seems at this age, she will never stop.
I think your son may look back on this time in his life and realize that you are actually trying to help him from a future with no hope and no options. I know you are doing this out of love and concern for your spouse and your other son, and by not enabling the addicted son, you are trying to help him too. I sincerely hope he gets tired of living this way and finds himself some help.
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong
Thanks Reach! I am doing fine. Each day gets easier, as it has in the past. Thanks again for your encouragement and insignt. And thank you all for responding. This board is therapy. I know you understand.
Well, today is day 10 since I have seen or talked to my son. He texted me last night and said: My Heart Hurts. I didn't reply. Then he says, I just want you to know how much I love you. I didn't reply. then I just want things to be OK. I don't want to move home, (which he will never do again)...I didn't reply. I was feeling so blue, thinking he really does miss his family. then my younger son comes in and says he got a text too, saying he might come by today to see him. My younger son told him, I don't think that's a good idea. So, after looking at the times of the texts between the two of us, he texted me after him. sucking up. he's prob lost his job, is broke, got paid yesterday if he's still got a job. made me sick. So now I'm ****** again. Which is good...I am not playing the game this time. he's a grown man and can make his own choices....but i don't have to live those choices, he does!
Flint, I am sure he is feeling a little blue. He should. However, his lifestyle continues not to work with your family life.
Not to be brutal, Flint, but until he texts something like, "I am in rehab," or "I am attending meetings and staying clean for 6 months now," I would continue to ignore his texts consistently. Even at that, caution must remain the key. Maybe even more than caution, self-preservation. He must acknowledge and accept the reality of what his actions have caused if he is ever to get and truly stay sober. As you know well, sobriety involves so much more than just not using. We need all kinds of aftercare, continuing aftercare, if we really want to change the thinking and living.
I am proud of you, Flint. Keep on planning those trips. You are coming into your time of life. Smiles. It is an earned privelege and you have earned it well.
Stay in touch a bit if you can. I care a lot about you and want to know how things are for you.
i am only 19 but everyone i was freinds with is already in jail or rehab for the 4th or 5th time. they all relapse a day after rehab. its a never ending cycle and i really dont think theyll ever get help for themselves. my friends are addcited to everything from xanax, percocette, oxycontin, and heroin. no word of a lie 3 girls i went to highschool with are out there as prostitutes sothey can buy some more oxycontin. the other oxy users found heroin to be cheaper soo now thats what they do. ive seen there parents kick them out and **** and they end up more desperate and do stupider crap. but atleast now its there problemand not the parents. do what you gotta do but every now and then you should give it a try and try to help him out somehow. Not finacially god knows where the money will go. good luck i can imagine how it must be with your son when these people where just my friends!
thanks Reach. And you are absolutely right. He has been to rehab and our family supported him, went to meetings 3 nights a week. and I learned so much. I am going to start the meetings again. Alanon and others I can find, because knowledge is truth. I know as well as I am sitting here that I can not acknowledge him until he realizes this is serious. Our family will not go down this road again. And if he's feeling blue, he should feel blue for what he's put us and himself through. All it takes is making up your mind what life you want to live and using the tools you have to accomplish that. And no, it's not easy, but it's worth the effort. Ok, I am done!! thanks!!!!
Hi I have been a pill abuser for 34 yrs I have decided to come off Xanax today I have come off pills before but I always go back. Hopefully this time I wont I'll still take my Valium and Endep but the Xanax has lost me of my son, my sister, I have nobody it makes me abuse family members and I don't remember but that could be due to my other pills. I used to take 48 anti depresents a day(tryptanol/Valium/Serepax/Normason/Digesic "pain killer" and others) and it took me 2 yrs to come off them.
Tell your son he needs to think about his life and the people around him. He will end up with nobody like me due to the Xanax and become very lonely. It could do serious damage,
Today is my first day I have cut down from 6 2mg Xanax to 1/2 a 2mg Xanax 4 a day for now, whether I go back I don't know I have an addictive personality so I will be addicted to something always. I am on mental Health team. Find some information off the net on Xanax tell him he wont have a life or anyone when he needs someone nobody will listen I am lucky as I have my 30yr old daughter. I've lost my husband but we are friends only I cant walk properly I look like Ozzy Ozbourne these days I cant speak properly and more things. He needs help he needs to see other addicts in rehab to see what it has done to them. I have to sleep now he needs to go to rehab and be watched carefully he has to admit he has a problem and think about his future. I don't have much future left and if I could change it I would. Tell him it hurts to get your stomach pumped I have a few times. Look what we put our family through he needs to come off. <edited> I cant even walk unless I have a walking stick due to many falls lack of concentration from being off my face all the time.
Last edited by mod-anon; 06-16-2010 at 10:43 PM.
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I'm 53yrs old and been an addict to pills for 34 yrs it wrecks your life no friends leaves you on your own and lonely like me. I have an addicted personality and I'll always be taking something. Its sad for the younger ones not knowing what their future would be like If I knew I'd changed my ways. Its too late for me but I am coming off Xanax as from today I'll get off it but thats not saying there is a chance I'll be back on it soon after I'm off it. My family is effected and some don't even speak to me its very hard though. What goes around in my head its just a way of everyday life for me. I cant cook or do much housework anymore. My daughter checks me and my estranged husband does my shopping as I cant go out. Its all My fault and too late to change much
We just returned from a 3 day weekend trip. It was great! We needed it~ Father's Day today. I figure son will try and call his dad, but he's at work, on the train, and can't turn on cell phone. Which I think, is a good thing. he doesn't want to communicate with son, just as I don't. Sad, but this is something we have to do. Hope all you dads have a great day!!!!
Kudos for taking a well-deserved long weekend trip! You are doing what you need to do, what you should be doing, to continue living your life. We can not let anyone else dictate how we run our lives, not even a child who is making all the wrong moves.
One time I sat with a psychiatrist crying and bemoaning all the tragic things that had happened in my life. I cried that I couldn't go on anymore. He looked me dead in the eye and said, "We go on living because we have no choice." Honestly, at that moment, his words really, really ticked me off. However, eventually I did see the truth in them. We go on living becaue we have no choice... our choice lies in HOW we go on living. We can sit the rest of our days bemoaning our fate or we can grab the bull by the horns and go on living despite whatever life has brought. The recognition of this is what finally helped me to say that although I had painful losses in my life, I still had my life to live and living it to the fullest was my choice.
I think this is the realization that parents must come to when a child's behaviour threatens to destroy all quality of a parent's life. To throw our own live away in futile attempts trying to change what we cannot is to waste our own life. To live our life to the fullest benefits us and others around us. It even sets the example to the 'lost' child that we can fight for our own happiness.
I am proud of you, Flint. As you share your own painful journey here, you are showing the thousands of other suffering parents how to go on living because we have no choice but to do so.
Exactly! The whole family is more at peace without the constant turmoil. We are going to make this work for "us." I have worked too long and hard my whole life to not enjoy peace and quiet now. Love has nothing to do with what we are doing. We love our son more than anything. But we don't love the addiction and what it causes. I pray for him daily and hope that he can come out of this cycle and enjoy life. Reach, your words are so helpful to me. I can't thank you enough for being part of this board. Any parents reading this saga, please don't tolerate it as long as I did, thinking just one more cahnce and you can help the addict. Only the addict can help the addict.