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Old 12-25-2010, 03:51 AM   #1
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New here, hubby addicted for a year and I just found out. How to deal??

Hi all, so glad I found this board. Last week I found my hubby's supply. Oxys and methadone. We have been happily married for five hrs. He was an addict before I knew him, but I had no idea he had relapsed. I feel like the last year has been a lie. How did I not know??? He admitted he lied to a dr about a car accident to get the drugs. And has been spending $400/month on his habit. I feel so betrayed, and am having a hard time being sympathetic seeing how he's not in pain and it's been 7yrs since his last use. Long story short, I've been thru all the emotions. I'm holding his meeds, but sometimes get so mad I just wanna flush them and make him c/t, to feel the pain he caused me. Am I being selfish??
Plus I have severe anxiety/depression...this is making it all so much worse. Ugh. Any thoughts/advice would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance.

 
Old 12-25-2010, 12:27 PM   #2
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Re: New here, hubby addicted for a year and I just found out. How to deal??

I'm wondering if the two of you have discussed how or why this happened. Was there something that drove him back to using after 6 years of not? It seems that he actually planned to begin using again if he went to a doctor and lied to get the pills.

I understand your anger and hurt. But I'm wondering about him. Is he contrite? Does he want to quit again or is he just doing so because you caught him? And I hate to ask but are you sure he's only been using for the past year?

 
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Old 12-25-2010, 12:36 PM   #3
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Re: New here, hubby addicted for a year and I just found out. How to deal??

No you are not being selfish you are being foolish. Get out now and never look back. Life is to short for this.

 
Old 12-26-2010, 12:13 AM   #4
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Re: New here, hubby addicted for a year and I just found out. How to deal??

I truly believe he wants to quit and is so s orry for the hurt he has caused. The 'dr' he is seeing is someone he knew would give him what he wanted. By the way, we have been married 5 years, not hours(typo). He blames his relapse was stress from work. We have had no marital issues. We will work this out, no matter what. Thanks second poster for saying I'm foolish. Addiction is a disease, not a personality flaw. I really hope you're not married. That's the problem in today's society, people give up too easily.

 
Old 12-26-2010, 04:25 AM   #5
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Re: New here, hubby addicted for a year and I just found out. How to deal??

If this isn't a marital issue I don't know what one is. I wish you the best, I feel bad for you. It may be classified as a disease but that does not take away personal responsibility, never mind the trust issues. You asked, "How to deal?"
I answered honest and correctly.

The problem with society today is that people do not take personal responsibly.

Sorry, it's the truth.

 
Old 12-26-2010, 10:00 AM   #6
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Re: New here, hubby addicted for a year and I just found out. How to deal??

Quote:
Originally Posted by 813roxy View Post
I'm holding his meeds, but sometimes get so mad I just wanna flush them and make him c/t, to feel the pain he caused me. Am I being selfish??
Plus I have severe anxiety/depression...this is making it all so much worse. Ugh. Any thoughts/advice would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Hello 813roxy

Is it selfish for you to feel like discarding the very thing he has been lying about?

Is it selfish to want to protect yourself from further experiencing stressful issues that have the potential to aggravate both your anxiety and depression symptoms?

Is it selfish to feel a certain way but not act on it?

Is it selfish to love someone but not their actions?

Is it selfish; not wanting to give up on him?

Based on these questions,i'll let let you be the judge...
__________________
When in doubt, post it out.

 
Old 12-26-2010, 03:08 PM   #7
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Re: New here, hubby addicted for a year and I just found out. How to deal??

Wow is all I have to say about that. I feel sorry for you as well. So pessimistic and disillusioned.

 
Old 12-26-2010, 03:12 PM   #8
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Re: New here, hubby addicted for a year and I just found out. How to deal??

Thank you Phoenix, I just saw your post somehow. I was referring to Mr noone or whatever in my last post.

 
Old 12-26-2010, 05:32 PM   #9
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Re: New here, hubby addicted for a year and I just found out. How to deal??

i know what you're saying about the commitment, it seems everyone's magic answer is to throw in the towel. if we did that without even trying to solve, then no marriage would last. at this point you are looking for options and you are committed to exhausting the other options, walking away being a last resort, some people don't understand this. it's not necessarily a case of staying together no matter what, when you feel you've tried everything, and basically staying with them for the sake of consistency to your word, and compromising the hope of ever having peace of mind again, let alone happiness, to do this. too many people do the latter too.

i have had a similar experience with an alcoholic. i'm not going to get into the disease/personality trait argument, whichever it is, if it's going to destroy you to be around someone or you're going to suffer the loneliness of a lack of someone you can lean on too, you're not as selfish for doing what it takes to save yourself from that if you have no option to do so in a way that doesn't hurt him, than he is being in taking the option he has, which hurts you. often your sense of duty and that you must be unconditionally committed is taken for granted by your addict, and the eventual sharp shock of being abandoned can do wonders! it was like mine didn't realise that the situation was not one i could live with - because i had been living with it after all - until i left him, then he got the message, and that seemed to cause his rock bottom.

an addict has to reach their rock bottom, their own reason to quit, for themselves. recovered addicts say so themselves, nothing anyone else can - and do - do, makes a difference, until they hit the point that addiction is a nightmare for them, that makes recovery easier by comparison, it's unlikely to happen. in the meantime you must find support for yourself to deal with your own pain.

a drowning man, in his desperation he we cling to you and not notice that he is pulling you underwater. other people here have pointed out one solution, to get away. another solution is to find a raft, and this, you must do regardless, or else you are acquiescing to drowning with him. get support, contact narcotics anonymous, share with anyone you can, let people know what you're going through, even if it is embarrassing, it's better than facing this in isolation believe me.

 
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Old 12-26-2010, 05:34 PM   #10
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Re: New here, hubby addicted for a year and I just found out. How to deal??

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Originally Posted by 813roxy View Post
Wow is all I have to say about that. I feel sorry for you as well. So pessimistic and disillusioned.

Consult a professional about addiction and marriage. Also listen to your family.

best of luck with this

 
Old 12-26-2010, 10:22 PM   #11
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Re: New here, hubby addicted for a year and I just found out. How to deal??

I divorced my husband of 19 years mainly and exclusively because of addiction issues. I hope 813roxy can work it out. I however could not. he had many other problems such as abuse issues and you name it. it was not just one drug either. I am still trying to distance myself from him. I allowed him to stay with me and now i can't get him to leave. we have 3 children 2 who are grown and one who is 13. i don't want to call the law but i don't know what else to do. I found this site because i am having trouble getting off my pain meds. I have a lot of legitimate pain issues but i don't like how the pills are controlling. I think you post is right. it is a disease but it is also a choice.

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Old 12-27-2010, 03:13 AM   #12
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Re: New here, hubby addicted for a year and I just found out. How to deal??

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Originally Posted by oxygirl View Post
I hope 813roxy can work it out. I however could not.
Sorry you could not work it out but I certainly understand. You are powerless to control someone else's behavior so really there was nothing you could do but hope for the best while taking the worse. As I said I would not recommend anyone place themselves in such a powerless situation.
Most people think they can work it out, most people learn too late that they can't.

 
Old 12-27-2010, 02:10 PM   #13
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Re: New here, hubby addicted for a year and I just found out. How to deal??

Oxygirl,

I don't think I could deal with what you went through either. My situation doesn't even compare. Sorry for what you went through.

 
Old 12-27-2010, 02:56 PM   #14
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Re: New here, hubby addicted for a year and I just found out. How to deal??

Wow, this could have been me writing this! We have also been married for 5 years, but my husband was addicted to Lortab or any other pain med he could get his hands on, then switched to Methanphetamine. (sp?) I was SUPER nieve-wondered what was going on but never dreamed it was that-In an attempt to get himself off meth, he started buying methadone off the street and self dosing.
I found his 'stash' and one of the bottles still had the label on from the clinic w/ the patients info on it! So...I called the clinic. I didn't tell them the patients name, just told them what was going on and asked for help for my husband.
So I told my husband he could either go to the Methadone Clinic and sign up for help or else I would give them the name of the person he was buying from and in turn they would call the Police. He went!
But now he is on 120 mg/per day of Methadone and it might as well be the other meth! it is crazy-and Lord help me if he gets take home! He will take extra then end up on the last day with none-then goes CRAZY.
I don't see an end in sight-he just keeps going up in dose and I am sure when he maxes out he will go to something else.
It costs $75 per week for the clinic and I think it is just legalizing another drug!
Hang in there-and it is just my experience, but I would not recommend keeping his 'meds' from him-they have serious side effects-he needs professional help.

 
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Old 12-27-2010, 03:49 PM   #15
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Re: New here, hubby addicted for a year and I just found out. How to deal??

Dear Monday,

I'm sorry to hear you're going thru this. Since I found his pills last week, he has totally quit the methadone and is down to four Oxys a day. Things are looking up! Just a bump in the road. I give him the pills daily so he's not tempted. And I know he's not getting them elsewhere because I am keeping track of every penny spent. Oxy w/d sucks, but isn't life threatening like benzos or alcohol. I've done plenty of research. Good luck with your hubby. Methadone is the devil compared to the other opiates. Hang in there!

 
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