| | I'm a wife of a crack cocaine addict in desperate need as well
I dont know where to begin....im so heart broken in so many ways i cant even count myself! i want to let go but am terrified of the many outcomes...i love my husband! But i am so emotionally worn out from all this...the lies, betrayal, the emotional, mental and verbal abuse. One day he loves me...the next he kills me with words I cant even describe! Because, I too am in constent shock of the things that can come out of his mouth to me...when Im the only one that has been there for him. I know i have to let go...but am afraid! Of the "what if"! He made me file for divorce (he doesnt want to be married anymore)...he tells me he hates me...he tells me he's not happy with me...he tells me the first chance he gets he will find another women to lay onto...he tells me he'll do anything to destroy me if i ruin him (if he looses his job) he tells me that he will have our daughter on the weekends....that'll he do whatever to getting his way! Not realizing the effect he will make on our daughter if one day he would slip....while having her. I cant have that....
But when he messes up he calls me!!!! only me!!!! says hes sorry!!!! he didnt mean any of it!!!! but in a few days the roller coaster starts all over again!!!!!
hes destroyed my trust and heart in so many ways....he calls me after a slip and tells me he wants to come back home! What do I do? I tell him as much as I want too hes killed me in so many ways I dont know what to believe anymore! he gets upset...again all over again !!!! and everything is my fault....like always! Hes starts with his manipulation and treats all over agin just to get his way....im so tired of it! I want out! but I do love him....and am scared that if Im not there anymore what would happen to him! Im starting to realize i ant help him anymore and nomatter what i offer to him (i can offer him the world) he will never choose his family! because hes not ready!!!! before he would disappear occassionaly (especially when he drank) i didnt understand why!!! then other things started happening....and one thing led to another and the truth came out!!! that he was using!!! but ever since his sister passed away back in the fall of 2010 he became a monster...first all the verbal and emotional abuse!!! with his manipulations and threats!!! telling alot of hurtful things you dont ever tell a wife....then using much more frequent!! I had to kick him out for my sanity...he was taking it all out on me telling me it was all my fault. he would always find something to blame me....even talking to women over the internet and tell me hes had better...that im ugly! and so forth when he tried to stay away from all drugs! this is really not healthy for me because my self esteem is completely shot!!! im trying so hard to hold on because my vows to him...mean the world to me! but hes making it so hard that its killing me in the process.....i have no more energy!!!! when i do tell him to come back he then makes more excuses and the roller coaster starts all over again....damn if you do and damn if you dont! I cant take his games anymore....please help! I know deep inside hes a good man...and i think along with loving him unconditionally thats why i hold on! But i wanna love myself as well!!! so I can be a better mother to my children...ive always worked and had everything! and with all this i no longer work...but I thank god that ive always held on my own finacially and learned in the process to not fall for his lies when it came to the bills and making sure my children still had everything and more. if not i wouldnt even have food for them....but my personal things...finances and material things ive always held strong! this is one of the reasons why our marriage fell thru along with his addiction....he always wanted my money! if i did that i would be flat broke with nothing!
ive always been there for him....cleaned him up! did so much for him....why does he hurt me in so many ways? why me?! when im holding on.....and i dont wanna let go because im afraid if i do! i could loose him to death...but i know too he will destroy me in the long wrong! and my weakness is my children..and the love i have for him..and he knows that! How do i gear away from this....in the best way possible!?? i dont think i can take any of this any longer...since hes been gone...i have found peace...tranquillity...not having to worry about anything (an arguement or anything)! But he is around that he acts like he want to come back (which only last a few days) all my worries come back. im hate that for 3 days he loves me and the rest he can hurt me and act like nothing! I can cry my heart out and he just stares with no remorse....but when he falls and looks for me he cries, and i listen and cry with him...and ask him to get help (that im willing to help him make those steps) he stears away and starts making excuse...then a few days later doesnt love me especially on the weekends when he gets paid on friday! but when i need him....i get nothing! just pushed down!? I really want to understand! i dont wanna take anything personal but its really hard! when he playing with my heart....whenever he wants or doesnt want! I cant anymore...i want out! but then again i think of my vows and the love i truly have for him!