It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Family & Friends of Addicts and Alcoholics Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 03-20-2011, 12:10 AM   #1
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 12
scaredoftruth HB User
Unhappy I'm a wife of a crack cocaine addict in desperate need as well

I dont know where to begin....im so heart broken in so many ways i cant even count myself! i want to let go but am terrified of the many outcomes...i love my husband! But i am so emotionally worn out from all this...the lies, betrayal, the emotional, mental and verbal abuse. One day he loves me...the next he kills me with words I cant even describe! Because, I too am in constent shock of the things that can come out of his mouth to me...when Im the only one that has been there for him. I know i have to let go...but am afraid! Of the "what if"! He made me file for divorce (he doesnt want to be married anymore)...he tells me he hates me...he tells me he's not happy with me...he tells me the first chance he gets he will find another women to lay onto...he tells me he'll do anything to destroy me if i ruin him (if he looses his job) he tells me that he will have our daughter on the weekends....that'll he do whatever to getting his way! Not realizing the effect he will make on our daughter if one day he would slip....while having her. I cant have that....
But when he messes up he calls me!!!! only me!!!! says hes sorry!!!! he didnt mean any of it!!!! but in a few days the roller coaster starts all over again!!!!!
hes destroyed my trust and heart in so many ways....he calls me after a slip and tells me he wants to come back home! What do I do? I tell him as much as I want too hes killed me in so many ways I dont know what to believe anymore! he gets upset...again all over again !!!! and everything is my fault....like always! Hes starts with his manipulation and treats all over agin just to get his way....im so tired of it! I want out! but I do love him....and am scared that if Im not there anymore what would happen to him! Im starting to realize i ant help him anymore and nomatter what i offer to him (i can offer him the world) he will never choose his family! because hes not ready!!!! before he would disappear occassionaly (especially when he drank) i didnt understand why!!! then other things started happening....and one thing led to another and the truth came out!!! that he was using!!! but ever since his sister passed away back in the fall of 2010 he became a monster...first all the verbal and emotional abuse!!! with his manipulations and threats!!! telling alot of hurtful things you dont ever tell a wife....then using much more frequent!! I had to kick him out for my sanity...he was taking it all out on me telling me it was all my fault. he would always find something to blame me....even talking to women over the internet and tell me hes had better...that im ugly! and so forth when he tried to stay away from all drugs! this is really not healthy for me because my self esteem is completely shot!!! im trying so hard to hold on because my vows to him...mean the world to me! but hes making it so hard that its killing me in the process.....i have no more energy!!!! when i do tell him to come back he then makes more excuses and the roller coaster starts all over again....damn if you do and damn if you dont! I cant take his games anymore....please help! I know deep inside hes a good man...and i think along with loving him unconditionally thats why i hold on! But i wanna love myself as well!!! so I can be a better mother to my children...ive always worked and had everything! and with all this i no longer work...but I thank god that ive always held on my own finacially and learned in the process to not fall for his lies when it came to the bills and making sure my children still had everything and more. if not i wouldnt even have food for them....but my personal things...finances and material things ive always held strong! this is one of the reasons why our marriage fell thru along with his addiction....he always wanted my money! if i did that i would be flat broke with nothing!
ive always been there for him....cleaned him up! did so much for him....why does he hurt me in so many ways? why me?! when im holding on.....and i dont wanna let go because im afraid if i do! i could loose him to death...but i know too he will destroy me in the long wrong! and my weakness is my children..and the love i have for him..and he knows that! How do i gear away from this....in the best way possible!?? i dont think i can take any of this any longer...since hes been gone...i have found peace...tranquillity...not having to worry about anything (an arguement or anything)! But he is around that he acts like he want to come back (which only last a few days) all my worries come back. im hate that for 3 days he loves me and the rest he can hurt me and act like nothing! I can cry my heart out and he just stares with no remorse....but when he falls and looks for me he cries, and i listen and cry with him...and ask him to get help (that im willing to help him make those steps) he stears away and starts making excuse...then a few days later doesnt love me especially on the weekends when he gets paid on friday! but when i need him....i get nothing! just pushed down!? I really want to understand! i dont wanna take anything personal but its really hard! when he playing with my heart....whenever he wants or doesnt want! I cant anymore...i want out! but then again i think of my vows and the love i truly have for him!

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 03-20-2011, 03:35 AM   #2
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: N.W.
Posts: 72
Norcoguy HB UserNorcoguy HB User
Re: I'm a wife of a crack cocaine addict in desperate need as well

Yep...Thats how we treat the ones we love, they take the full brunt of it, isnt being an addict wonderful

 
Old 03-20-2011, 04:34 AM   #3
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: N/A
Posts: 36
superspy HB Usersuperspy HB User
Re: I'm a wife of a crack cocaine addict in desperate need as well

I don't usually post here, as I am a chronic pain patient. But, I'm tapering off of one of my medications, so I happened to read your post and wanted to reply.

No one should ever be treated the way that he treats you. It is disgusting. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes. It breaks my heart that you are treated this way by him.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with so much abuse and with so many things that words, I'm sure, cannot even describe. Do you have anyone that you can talk to about this? Is there any possible way that you could make an appointment with your doctor to ask if you could get someone to talk to? I'm saying this because the things that you are going through are so incredibly serious that I think it would really help you to have someone to talk to.

I would run far, far, far away from him. Really. I would leave. But, I would seek professional help while doing so (counseling), so that someone could help me with the whole process.

From what you have written, I think that deep down you know that you need to leave. I hope that others who have more experience will reply.

You are in my thoughts and my prayers.

 
Old 03-20-2011, 01:21 PM   #4
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: south eastern united states
Posts: 464
oxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB User
Re: I'm a wife of a crack cocaine addict in desperate need as well

Dear Scared, I could have written this post at one time. My exhusband is a drug addict. His main drug of choice was crack. It totally destroyed my family. I should have gotten out long long before I did but I was weak. For one thing mine wouldn't leave. He still won't even though we are divorced. He is more manageable now but all the hurt and ruination has already happened. I feel guilty for letting my kids grow up seeing all of this. Well they mainly heard it as he would go off and do this "thing" and then come home, broke and mean and yelling at us. I worked a parttime job and had some financial support from family. He would give me some of his money under the assumption that he could go "off" and spend some. It was a horrible compromise but I felt I had no other choice. The one time I had the guts to leave him, he went to the school and took our two older children who were 5 and 6 at the time. After that I lost courage. I can't tell you how badly you need to get away from him. You will look back on your life like I am currently doing right now and wish to God you had done it. I am 42 years old and have suffered a lot of health problems. Some of it I blame him for. I am currently taking roxicodone for pain and am weaning myself off of it. That is how I came to find this board and the great people on it. I don't usually tell this part of my story as it doesn't have anything to do with my pain medicine addiction but I can tell u this, there is a difference between addicts and pure demons. It sounds like your husband (please forgive me) is a mean demon like mine was and still can be. We got into an argument yesterday and I threatened to call the law on him. Before he would have threw something at me or came in the room and hit me but oh not anymore! I left him in jail for 41 days and then his mama got him out. I was DONE!!! I made the mistake of letting him come home supposedly for 2 weeks so he could get his house ready and he never left. Of course he was good for a few weeks and then the shi$ hit the fan. However, he no longer smokes crack but has a different drug of choice. It is somewhat milder but still it is a drug and I hate it. He don't do it here (pot) and he really doesnt do it alot. He is still mean. It doesn't matter if it is drugs or not. You are not going to have a good life with this man. I am not usually so direct but I am saying "Get away from him" get an order of protection and make it to where he can't see kids. That is their hold over u, your children. they know where to get u. This man sounds abusive. I have read many posts from addicts on here and there is a difference between addicts and addicts who are physically or verbally abusive. Your sounds like he is both - drugs and abuse and trust me you won't care if he is dead or alive before this is over. You will grow to hate him more than he even thinks he hates u. I am just saying this to you because it is true. I feel so sorry for you. I have been in your shoes in a roundabout way. If he leaves, let him stay gone. Trust me you and your kids will be happier if you have to live on foodstamps and section 8 housing. I wished I would have done it years ago.....Good luck hon.

 
Old 03-21-2011, 02:27 AM   #5
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: N.W.
Posts: 72
Norcoguy HB UserNorcoguy HB User
Re: I'm a wife of a crack cocaine addict in desperate need as well

Well.......Was he a good guy before he got into crack? If so, He may be salvaged some day.

 
Old 03-21-2011, 07:00 AM   #6
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: south eastern united states
Posts: 464
oxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB User
Re: I'm a wife of a crack cocaine addict in desperate need as well

sorry norcoguy but should she wait for years and years for him to be reformed?

 
Old 03-21-2011, 09:27 AM   #7
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 12
scaredoftruth HB User
Re: I'm a wife of a crack cocaine addict in desperate need as well

First off I just wanted to say thanks to all...its a beautiful thing to see that people really take the time ti hear your cries...you don't even know how much I desired that for a very long time.. I am so grateful to of had registered to this website...because now I have people that understand without criticizing. Instead you have thoae that listen amd have gone thru something similar and r able and willing to help. So thanku so very much.
I wanted to add to one of the comments that my husband has been doing this for 14 yeras way even before me....we've only been married for 3 yrs. He was sort of secretive even then ...but always blamed it on alcohol (he too is a heavy binger). I have mentioned treatment and any help and instead he choose to leave and but still torments me whenever
Now he is moving in with his sister which is too an alcoholic. And loves to party
...instead of trying to make things work with his family and himself. But ocassionally I'm the beginning of the week he looks for me says he loved me and wants to come hone and by Wednesday he doesn't because the weekend is coming up! I really can't take it anymore! I'm so hurt and feel betrayed
I try to educate myself about all this and it just makes me me much more hurt that this is true. I was in denial for a long time. Even though he tried so hard to hide it something in me somewhat knew something wasn't right! Yes in the beginning he was wonderful....but come to find out he's a smooth
talker with women and that's how he falls for good women so he can live on his lie as much as he can before it all comes out
I found out I am not the only one he's done that too....he is a predetor to very home and work oriented women those that would not have a clue or r innocent. I can't believe I feel for it....the horrible part is I feel as if he never loved me and now I am in love with a man that's a monster! And I have a child with....I don't hate him....because I c it as this is way of survival and this Is all he knows now to do
Instead of trying to really love himself and learn to b a good father and husband. I don't know if its because I have a clearer mind...I don't drink or do any drugs not even smoke a cigarette but I would die to make myself better to have that love my family that Is desperate in giving me. I always tell him....that's there's many people out there that would take his place I'm a heart beat having the ability tto b with his family that adores him and would do anything to help him get better. That he is very stupid to just let it all go....for what?! Nothing...unhappiness? I am so heartbroken...why me! I cry everyday because I knew I tried my hardest to b the beat wife I can n
..and this is how I get relayed in the end
And even now he knows I will always b there for him...and I feel as if he takes my love as a joke. He shows up and plays with my heart whenever but quickly he doesn't hesitate to break my heart. He Continues to do his thing much more frequent and when he's feeling guilty he's nice and when he wants to b out there again he quick yo say horrible things. Every week the same routine....and hus favorite is he'll make sure he gets our daughter when he wants....not realizing what he's doing to himself.

 
Old 03-21-2011, 12:24 PM   #8
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: N.W.
Posts: 72
Norcoguy HB UserNorcoguy HB User
Re: I'm a wife of a crack cocaine addict in desperate need as well

Geez...I was trying to look at this objectively...But wow ,yeah, this guy gots to go, So sad, and hard to believe that some people are beyond redemption, But really if he is, what you say he is, you gotta hide, move, and possibly file a retraining order, dont leave a trail or any door open. gonna take some sacrifice on your end, might have to leave a job, friends, inlaws, maybe even some of your own family.
So sad....

 
Old 03-21-2011, 08:42 PM   #9
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: south eastern united states
Posts: 464
oxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB User
Re: I'm a wife of a crack cocaine addict in desperate need as well

First of all scared, my heart is breaking for you. I want to cry as I write this post because I too felt like you in the beginning. I want to tell you this though. You will HATE him. I promise you that if you wait like I did, you will be so mad at yourself for giving him the best years of your life. Your daughter will pick up on all this stress and she will start having problems. Your first obligation is to find a way to protect her. All it took was one witness to tell the judge they seen my husband "high" and knew what kind of drug he was taking and the judge granted me full custody of my children. He was only allowed to see them under supervision of my choice. I made the mistake of letting him come back here to supposedly stay for 2 weeks and he hasn't left since. We do argue a lot but he isn't as bad as he was because he knows i will call 911 in a new york minute. He knows what he can and cant do. It is no life though I tell you. I am working on getting him out or leaving myself. Do not become me. I am 42 and not getting any younger. I used to be such a happy person even though i was going through a lot, i still loved life and didn't have depression issues. I think i do now because i let him have so much of my life when i could have found someone who was a true husband and father and loved his family. A true father is someone who helps take kids to school and doctors and goes to baseball games and church with his family. a true husband comes home and says honey i love you and appreciate u. would u like to take a nap or a bath and i will watch kids for an hour. I never had any of that. I was always a solo parent. all of the responsibility of the kids fell on me and me only. he worked and gave me some money and he thought that he did his duty. he could go smoke crack with the rest and i should shut the f up! he missed kindergarten graduations, high school graduation of my daughter. didn't care to go. didn't want to. That is no way for you to live. i am begging you to please please please leave him. don't let him back. go find someone else. there are many men who would love a woman who didn't do drugs and wanted to take care of her family. lost of men are with women who are druggies and other things and they are miserable. it isn't just one sided. it is men and women out there. i know it is hard if your kids are small but don't let that stop u from raising them happy. that is one thing i will always have to live with the rest of my life. knowing that i allowed my kids to be made unhappy by him. and it has affected them and it is my fault. mine and mine alone! I live with that daily. Please I will pray for you. Go to church and get prayed for that you can get away from the devil cause that is what he sounds like. Let him go to his skanky sisters house. they deserve each other. he won't find no other woman. at least not for long. nobody decent will put up with him. u just happened to fall in love with him. that don't mean everyone else is out there waiting for a loser to happen to them. we made the mistake of letting love blind us. there is hope for u girl. there is a life out there. go and get it!

 
Old 03-21-2011, 09:39 PM   #10
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 12
scaredoftruth HB User
Re: I'm a wife of a crack cocaine addict in desperate need as well

Thanku I have no words right now.
..u r touching my heart in a way that just made me cry and made me realize there's hope
thanku I always thought I was alone

 
The following user gives a hug of support to scaredoftruth:
oxygirl (03-22-2011)
Old 03-22-2011, 01:03 AM   #11
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: south eastern united states
Posts: 464
oxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB User
Re: I'm a wife of a crack cocaine addict in desperate need as well

Hang in there sweetie, you are a good person and deserve a good life. He is like a disease to you. You just gotta get rid of it. I know how u feel, I have walked in your shoes.

 
The following user gives a hug of support to oxygirl:
scaredoftruth (03-25-2011)
The Following User Says Thank You to oxygirl For This Useful Post:
scaredoftruth (03-25-2011)
Old 03-22-2011, 09:36 PM   #12
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: la
Posts: 109
tandycipps HB User
Re: I'm a wife of a crack cocaine addict in desperate need as well

My daughter was married to a crack addict for about three years and she says it was pure hell the whole time. He was good as gold from Monday through Friday morning, then he would pick a fight on Friday night so he could go out all weekend and leave her sitting home with no car while he spent his whole paycheck on his "fun". She went through this for most of the three years they were married. He would end up getting fired or quiting his job and spend his time sleeping till the weekend and it was party time again and it would start all over. He got arrested for some outstanding warrents or something and she knew it was over and she was going to move on with her life. We helped her buy a car and she got her a cute little apartment and a nice job and her and her four year old son had a nice life. We gave her several things she needed for her apartment like a microwave and vcr. Well, he ended up talking his way back into their life with all the usual promises and they ended up even going to Church. That lasted about a month till she came home one Friday after work and he was gone, along with the vcr and microwave we had given her plus the little tv she had bought. He came back a few days later and stole her keys and took her car and she found out later he had smoked crack in it and even burned a hole in the seat. There was a lot more that happened but I dont' have time to write it all but all I'm saying is, you need to get rid of him and the sooner the better. You need to join some kind of support group to help you deal with this. He will come crying to you to take him back, how he has changed. He will make all kinds of promises to you but you need to be tough one last time and get him out of you and your childs life once and for all before he does more damage to you both than he already has. If nothing else, think of your daughter and what this is doing to her! Sometimes it takes just leaving them for them to ever get their life together but you don't need to be with him!
Good luck and please keep us posted

 
Old 03-23-2011, 03:35 AM   #13
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: south eastern united states
Posts: 464
oxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB User
Re: I'm a wife of a crack cocaine addict in desperate need as well

Tandy, you said it girl. I think she does need to join a support goup also. Online, only goes so far. It is possible she can make friends who are going through the same thing and maybe form a little "net" of support around her. How is your daughter doing now? I was in the same situation as both of them. My husband was self employed and made fairly good money at the time. He could afford both but it still didn't matter. the mood swings were horrible and I went through a lot of what scared is going through. We did end up divorced and he did talk his way back. he has been drug free of crack anyway for about almost 2 years. still has horrible mood swings and we fight constantly so it isn't any better. I am working on moving out or else moving him out one. It is not an easy thing to do. Good luck to scared and your daughter. Drugs are the devil.....they destroy marriages, families and the lives of innocent children. I hate them.

 
Old 03-23-2011, 07:36 AM   #14
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: la
Posts: 109
tandycipps HB User
Re: I'm a wife of a crack cocaine addict in desperate need as well

My daughter is doing great now. She is married to a wonderful man and they had a little girl two years ago. They are very active in their church and happy as can be. She talked to the brother of the guy she was married to and found out he had spent time in prison and is still in and out of trouble. She is just so thankful that she finally got free of him. I hope you can find happiness too!
Take care
Quote:
Originally Posted by oxygirl View Post
Tandy, you said it girl. I think she does need to join a support goup also. Online, only goes so far. It is possible she can make friends who are going through the same thing and maybe form a little "net" of support around her. How is your daughter doing now? I was in the same situation as both of them. My husband was self employed and made fairly good money at the time. He could afford both but it still didn't matter. the mood swings were horrible and I went through a lot of what scared is going through. We did end up divorced and he did talk his way back. he has been drug free of crack anyway for about almost 2 years. still has horrible mood swings and we fight constantly so it isn't any better. I am working on moving out or else moving him out one. It is not an easy thing to do. Good luck to scared and your daughter. Drugs are the devil.....they destroy marriages, families and the lives of innocent children. I hate them.

 
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to tandycipps For This Useful Post:
oxygirl (03-23-2011), scaredoftruth (03-25-2011)
Old 03-25-2011, 01:11 AM   #15
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 12
scaredoftruth HB User
Re: I'm a wife of a crack cocaine addict in desperate need as well

Well I've been having a real horrible week...I've tried to stay away and because I refuse to let him use and abuse me. Now with the threats we go....I'm tired of this already I don't know what. To do anymore ...I want out so bad. I've seen with my own eyes how horrible and monstrous he can b. How dare he threaten me and b OK with it because I no longer want to enable him from anything especially hurt me and my children. I called the the domestic violence advocate and was given the steps to do what I have to go her him away from me and my kids. I'm so speechless on how low o e van get because he was faced with the truth and was confronted with it and how now he's realized I will no longer b there that he's able to risk my children and my happiness and make sure he destroy us....i hate him! Why is he doing this to us? Please make me understand
..why is God punishing me or why is he letting all this happen? I was given a # to sign up for a suppurt group and will b going to court to do the necessary steps I have to do. Why can't he just leave me and my children alone? He wanted to live his life so why Continue to torture me...he Even got an apartment with his sister near me? Why!!!!and now is demanding I give him our daughter on saturday and because I mentioned he needed to get her thing's because I can't afford to supply him with my things he got upset and was saying real Ugly things to me and threatened me! I can't and wont anymore! Just why?! I need answers....I news this to stop! Please....I trying to now move on and not b
there and care for him because I need to b there for me and my children and now he turns on me immediately like this! All this because I have confronted him and will nolonger let him make me feel inferior and refuse to enable the situation in Any which way form

 
The following user gives a hug of support to scaredoftruth:
oxygirl (03-25-2011)
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
I'm a wife of a crack cocaine addict in desperate need as well scaredoftruth Family & Friends of Addicts and Alcoholics 1 03-25-2011 11:14 AM
Testing positive for crack because of residue on carpet? MamaQ Addiction & Recovery 6 07-17-2008 08:00 AM
I'm the wife of a crack addict, and in need of support CaliR Family & Friends of Addicts and Alcoholics 4 03-21-2008 02:50 PM
my husbands 10 year crack addiction mslong35 Family & Friends of Addicts and Alcoholics 13 10-22-2006 02:19 PM
In desperate need of advice and knowledge from recovered crack addicts and family bujo007 Addiction & Recovery 7 01-04-2006 01:35 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:54 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!