It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Family & Friends of Addicts and Alcoholics Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 04-14-2011, 07:00 PM   #1
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1
jgs08 HB User
wife frustrated by un-diagnosed husband

Hi! I'm just here looking for support. I don't honestly know for sure what I'm dealing with, but if I don't get something figured out, my marriage just can't last. My husband, a firefighter, leaves home for 5 days at a time, then comes home for 4 days. We talk on the phone during those 5 days, and for the most part, he seems to maintain control. But when he comes home, the first day, he drives me crazy! I've always thought he's an alcoholic. He probably is. But he is very aware of that problem, and tries to control it; unfortunately, even when his drinking is under control, his actions aren't. If he even THINKS about drinking, he goes into this state of mind- he slurs his speech, tells stories (and exagerates everything) he HATES me, verbally abuses me, calls me fat and worthless and says we shouldn't be together and the fights are unimaginable. And he works non-stop. It's not generally very productive or effective, but he doesn't stop, he doesn't sleep, he just goes on and on and picks fights with me. The next day, he feels horrible, apologizes, sucks up, tells me he doesn't know why he does this to me, he can't live without me, then gets depressed. When we only get 4 days together, we just can't waste so much of it going through these horrible emotional cycles. So I got to thinking, maybe there's more to it than an alcohol problem. I guess I would appreciate anyone's input... I'm afraid, and don't know how, to approach him with the possibility that he could be bi-polar; I don't know how to ask him to try to get some help because I don't think he'll do it. He's a tough guy, even when it comes to his drinking, he thinks he can handle it on his own, mind over matter, he doesn't need help. So my questions are, 1) does this sound like bi-polar disorder, and 2) how do I talk to him to convince him to get help. Thanks.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 04-16-2011, 08:22 PM   #2
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 5,070
katlin09 HB User
Re: wife frustrated by un-diagnosed husband

Honestly this doesn't really sound like Bi-Polar. Bi-Polar is not something that can be controlled on a schedule, it's random, comes and goes. And i've never heard of anyone that could intimate the "actions" of drinking just by thinking of it, i.e. slurred speech,lies, stories, abusiveness, etc. I mean it's clear that there is something wrong with your husband and he definitely needs help, but you might want to start with a medical doc first. The fact that he can control this "whatever it is" and manifests it everytime he comes home, that just doesn't sound mental, or completely mental. Is he behaving correctly at work or is he behaving badly there too?

I'm sorry you're going through this, but it's definitely something that needs to be taken care of on his part, how long does he expect you to hang around while he's being so abusive?

 
Old 04-17-2011, 04:51 AM   #3
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: N.W.
Posts: 72
Norcoguy HB UserNorcoguy HB User
Re: wife frustrated by un-diagnosed husband

Hi, Welcome...Are you using any drugs or alcohol?

Last edited by Norcoguy; 04-18-2011 at 05:13 PM.

 
Old 04-17-2011, 11:48 AM   #4
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: south eastern united states
Posts: 462
oxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB User
Re: wife frustrated by un-diagnosed husband

I just divorced a man a year ago like the one u described. I spent 22 years with him on the up and down roller coaster of drugs and occasional alcohol. I just couldn't take it anymore and the last time he hit me i had him thrown in jail and there he stayed for 41 days! I was upset but I was happier without him. He was physically abusive although that had calmed down in the last 5 years of the marriage but the verbal abuse was horrible. He called me every name he could think of in front of our children. I feel bad for letting them grow up like that. They turned out amazingly well so far despite it all. However, who knows what kind of emotional scars they may have on down the line with relationships.

If you have children I suggest u totally separate yourself from the issue and think about what is best for them. I obviously didn't and it is one of my life regrets. He was very verbally abusive to them also. I am still stuck with him because i made a bad decision to let him stay with me a couple weeks and it has been another year. We don't fight like we used to. He stayes in the front part of the house and I stay in the back. Good thing it is a big house. I am not happy with him though and I don't love him like I used to. I don't love him at all like a wife should a husband. You will get this way too if something don't change. I never thought I could stop loving him but boy I sure did. And it feels weird to look back at it now.

I am obviously not qualified to give advice. I am just telling you my experience with it. Your husband sounds like mine in so many ways. He may have something physical wrong with him in order to slur like that without alcohol or maybe he is on some sort of downer you don't know about in addition to the alcohol. I know one thing I am really stuck at the moment. You would be surprised how much stress it takes off of you not walking on eggshells in order to keep the bomb from going off. It is no way to live life. If he won't get the help he needs then it is up to you to decide if it is worth having to live this way. I can't say much cause mine is back. however, he knows better now than to try some of the stuff i used to let him get by with. but that doesn't make it any better because the love is long gone.

Good luck in whatever u decide. My prayers are with you.

 
Old 04-17-2011, 12:19 PM   #5
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 5,070
katlin09 HB User
Re: wife frustrated by un-diagnosed husband

I divorced mine after 22 years also, he was an alcoholic and verbally and physicaly abusive. Never to our 2 children, only me, he saved it all for me. He also cheated on me 3 times during our marriage that I know of. And like an idiot I just kept forgiving him and letting him stay and taking his crap. Now he's living with his girlfriend who he moved in with 7 months after we were seperated and he's all perfectly happy, treats her like a freaking princess. And what kills me the most is they have my 12 yr old son, supposedly we have joint custody, but they fill my sons head with so much negative crap about me half the time he doesn't want to come visit. So even though I'm happier than I've been in many many years, because this total jerk is out of my life, he's still winning in some ways, like having my son most of the time.

 
Old 04-17-2011, 12:21 PM   #6
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 5,070
katlin09 HB User
Re: wife frustrated by un-diagnosed husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by oxygirl View Post
I am obviously not qualified to give advice. I am just telling you my experience with it. Your husband sounds like mine in so many ways. He may have something physical wrong with him in order to slur like that without alcohol or maybe he is on some sort of downer you don't know about in addition to the alcohol. I know one thing I am really stuck at the moment. You would be surprised how much stress it takes off of you not walking on eggshells in order to keep the bomb from going off. It is no way to live life. If he won't get the help he needs then it is up to you to decide if it is worth having to live this way. I can't say much cause mine is back. however, he knows better now than to try some of the stuff i used to let him get by with. but that doesn't make it any better because the love is long gone.

Good luck in whatever u decide. My prayers are with you.
I'm sorry but I have to ask, why did you let your ex come back and why do you let him stay? I just couldn't imagine letting the monster I married back in my home.....

 
Old 04-17-2011, 07:46 PM   #7
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: south eastern united states
Posts: 462
oxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB Useroxygirl HB User
Re: wife frustrated by un-diagnosed husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by katlin09 View Post
I'm sorry but I have to ask, why did you let your ex come back and why do you let him stay? I just couldn't imagine letting the monster I married back in my home.....
It's ok Katlin, he weaseled his way in here. He said he needed a place to stay and he had been acting real nice and the kids begged me and now we all regret it. He isn't so bad lately, and is definitely better than he was before but I just don't feel the same way about him. It is kind of sad actually because I feel so frustrated and guilty if you can believe that. He has nobody but us and he holds that over me all the time. He has only been with me since he was 22 and now he is 45 and I just did everything for him. He never knew how to to a check book or pay a bill or even make a phone call. He would work and do drugs and give me usually enough money to pay the bills however, he was also mean and I just got tired of it after all those years. It is a sad story really Katlin. Very sad. But u stay strong because life is too short.

 
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: oxygirl
free1day (04-18-2011), katlin09 (04-17-2011)
Old 04-18-2011, 07:09 AM   #8
Senior Member
(female)
 
free1day's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 210
free1day HB Userfree1day HB Userfree1day HB Userfree1day HB Userfree1day HB Userfree1day HB User
Re: wife frustrated by un-diagnosed husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by jgs08 View Post
Hi! I'm just here looking for support. I don't honestly know for sure what I'm dealing with, but if I don't get something figured out, my marriage just can't last. My husband, a firefighter, leaves home for 5 days at a time, then comes home for 4 days. We talk on the phone during those 5 days, and for the most part, he seems to maintain control. But when he comes home, the first day, he drives me crazy! I've always thought he's an alcoholic. He probably is. But he is very aware of that problem, and tries to control it; unfortunately, even when his drinking is under control, his actions aren't. If he even THINKS about drinking, he goes into this state of mind- he slurs his speech, tells stories (and exagerates everything) he HATES me, verbally abuses me, calls me fat and worthless and says we shouldn't be together and the fights are unimaginable. And he works non-stop. It's not generally very productive or effective, but he doesn't stop, he doesn't sleep, he just goes on and on and picks fights with me. The next day, he feels horrible, apologizes, sucks up, tells me he doesn't know why he does this to me, he can't live without me, then gets depressed. When we only get 4 days together, we just can't waste so much of it going through these horrible emotional cycles. So I got to thinking, maybe there's more to it than an alcohol problem. I guess I would appreciate anyone's input... I'm afraid, and don't know how, to approach him with the possibility that he could be bi-polar; I don't know how to ask him to try to get some help because I don't think he'll do it. He's a tough guy, even when it comes to his drinking, he thinks he can handle it on his own, mind over matter, he doesn't need help. So my questions are, 1) does this sound like bi-polar disorder, and 2) how do I talk to him to convince him to get help. Thanks.

Hello,

I only read your post and not the responses.....Girl! What are we doing? I live your life...it has to be the alchohol........guess what i got this morning after WWIII last night? A sign at the end of the street saying I love you....big flip! I am lost like you but my only problem is I am recovering myself and his behavior does not help........I say we run girl...lets pack up the kids and goooooo! I dont mean to make light of our situations but I guess maybe it is more common then we know......

I think at some point we have to choose to stay or leave......I am thinking about the latter....13 years enough!

Peace,
K

 
Old 04-18-2011, 08:37 AM   #9
Senior Member
(female)
 
free1day's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 210
free1day HB Userfree1day HB Userfree1day HB Userfree1day HB Userfree1day HB Userfree1day HB User
Re: wife frustrated by un-diagnosed husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by oxygirl View Post
It's ok Katlin, he weaseled his way in here. He said he needed a place to stay and he had been acting real nice and the kids begged me and now we all regret it. He isn't so bad lately, and is definitely better than he was before but I just don't feel the same way about him. It is kind of sad actually because I feel so frustrated and guilty if you can believe that. He has nobody but us and he holds that over me all the time. He has only been with me since he was 22 and now he is 45 and I just did everything for him. He never knew how to to a check book or pay a bill or even make a phone call. He would work and do drugs and give me usually enough money to pay the bills however, he was also mean and I just got tired of it after all those years. It is a sad story really Katlin. Very sad. But u stay strong because life is too short.
OG,,

say it aint so? THat is what he is trying to do....blah blah I m from CAlifornia..i dont have family here.....when he moved here he found me...ugh! GUILT TRIP! Poor him..he cant tie his shoes...he cant get it up...oh you poor thing...lol saves me plenty of times....oh hail! beer impotance!

Yup the love is gone fooooo sure!

My son asks me this morning..."Mom, why did Dad, ask me not to tell you how much he drank yesterday?" YEAH! we all know why!

He will work on the kids next..i See it coming...

Thats why they say ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR! and my hubby knows the art of war! but I knnow LOVE will PREVAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh God! did I just get mushy? sap!



Kaitlin,

you suffer physically like OG and I......we are in a pit of pain and dispear.....Hang in there....I might man bash cuz I am angry. I just lost my soulmate and he wants me gone! ugh! so I am still dealing...I didnt think getting rid of Oxycodone meant I had to sacrifice my marriage and family...I thought poeple didnt want others using? I guess not...he likes me looped...sicko!

Hey, since OG said it and I was scared too, but your love sounds like he is taking something harder....maybe opiates! girl! I have been so looped that I video taped myself....crazy charle sheen stuff LOL....you just dont know messed up and you still function like a vombie with emotional and no control....oxys and alcohol are a big no no no no....just a thought.....

possible bi polar/other impairment due to damage on brain from alcohol....my dad is an alcoholic they did an mri for cancer and found some bad stuff and corrilated it back to drinking....doc said acohol caused same damage as heroin...idk this was years ago when they thought you could get aids by sneezeing...catch my drift?

I love your name <wink> My daughters name is Kaitlynn...just spelled differently


Peace,
Kim

 
Old 04-18-2011, 08:43 AM   #10
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 10,224
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: wife frustrated by un-diagnosed husband

sound bi-polar to me....either that or BPD, borderline personality disorder.
i'd look them up and see if any of the other criteria fit.....

 
Old 04-18-2011, 09:40 AM   #11
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: upstate,NY
Posts: 729
kdel HB Userkdel HB User
Re: wife frustrated by un-diagnosed husband

Hi - what do you mean he leaves for 5 days? For work or he just leaves and you don't know where he is? If he just leaves and/or he is slurring his speach even when you know he hasn't been drinking then I would strongly suspect some other drug is being used. I doubt he will tell you if you just come out and ask him - also may be dangerous for you to do that but you may want to check around the house, his car etc. for any signs of drugs or paraphernalia.
Best of luck to you.

 
Old 04-18-2011, 05:27 PM   #12
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: sea cliff new york usa
Posts: 68
dovecottage HB Userdovecottage HB User
Re: wife frustrated by un-diagnosed husband

He is torturing his new girlfriend but in a different way. get your son back u have half custody?? yes?... be well ....dove

Last edited by hb-mod; 04-19-2011 at 12:18 AM.

 
Old 04-18-2011, 05:45 PM   #13
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: sea cliff new york usa
Posts: 68
dovecottage HB Userdovecottage HB User
Re: wife frustrated by un-diagnosed husband

do you thinnk he is taking something? pills etc.??

 
Old 04-18-2011, 06:14 PM   #14
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: N.W.
Posts: 72
Norcoguy HB UserNorcoguy HB User
Re: wife frustrated by un-diagnosed husband

Im gonna get hammered for this, all girl thread here...but is it always the guys here who are monsters? after reading your post again i see that he does appoligize and pleads with you to forgive him, Do you need to lose weight? that is the most important thing for a guy...a girl can be butt ugly and have a smoking bod and life is still good.
When me and my wife get on the downs she applys the make up, dresses up, goes tanning a couple times, becomes my girlfriend, and reminds me that she is hot, puts me in my place pretty quik, you wives are a reflection of us. I wouldnt be hasty to huck a marriage over this.

 
Old 04-18-2011, 06:50 PM   #15
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 5,070
katlin09 HB User
Re: wife frustrated by un-diagnosed husband

Norcoguy,

Are you seriously saying that a woman should stay with an alcoholic abusive man and it's her fault he's like that because she's overweight or doesn't dress up enough or put enough makeup on????? Please tell me that you meant that post some other way than the way it sounds.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
My Wife Is in a Very Bad State Now - A Request for Advice/Support markzimmer Family & Friends of the Mentally Ill 11 02-26-2009 02:43 AM
Does my wife have bi-polar disorder? Ron47 Family & Friends of the Mentally Ill 18 04-30-2007 06:18 AM
Bipolar ex-wife, bi polar new wife? elsdol Family & Friends of the Mentally Ill 4 01-25-2007 08:09 AM
My Wife is bipolar. How do I help her!!? Gluberall Family & Friends of the Mentally Ill 7 01-03-2007 08:18 AM
Frustrated michele1975 Bipolar Disorder 9 08-05-2006 11:16 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Phoenix (4), reachout (2), captjane (2), sad_in_sd (1), rudiraven (1), writeleft (1), lenvegas (1), Robocat (1), Titchou (1), Kszan (1)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1136), MSJayhawk (941), Apollo123 (857), janewhite1 (823), Titchou (773), Gabriel (743), ladybud (667), sammy64 (666), midwest1 (655), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:14 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Copyright and Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!