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Adult daughter of an addict needs support!

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Old 04-25-2011, 01:04 PM   #1
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Everett, Washington
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owltotem HB User
Adult daughter of an addict needs support!

This is the first time I have done anything like this but here goes... My mother has been an addict for most of my life. Prescriptions drugs and alcohol. She has been in inpatient rehab twice. I attended the family counseling sessions both times and stupidly hoped each time she was ready to face this behavior. No such luck. One year ago, after a bad overdose I decided I had to live my life without all this crazymaking. I am an adult, 49 years old, have 2 amazing teenage sons and a wonderful husband. they support this decision. My mother does not know how her addiction has effected my life. She wants to have her drugs and a perfect mother/daughter relationship as well. She is now 71 years old and feeble. I grew up in an upper middle class, educated family, my mother always looks put together in her designer clothes. It almost seems like the decision to not have her in my life would have been easier if there was outright abuse. One of her best friends is now pressuring me to resume my relationship with my mom, she is certain my mom is no longer using drugs. I don't know for sure since I have not had contact with my mom but I don't see how she could just, poof, magically be clean after 40 years of addiction. I think my mom's friend is just distraught over the break in our relationship that she has her head in the sand. Not having my mom in my life is painful but seems like a healthier pain than watching her fall asleep in her food. For my sanity and the safety I had to close the door on having this addict in my life. But the guilt is immense. I have no other family (other than my nuclear family) to talk to about this. I have one sister that I lost to a meth addiction, my and my father is dead. Any advice?

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Old 04-25-2011, 03:06 PM   #2
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~Carolyn~ HB User~Carolyn~ HB User~Carolyn~ HB User~Carolyn~ HB User
Re: Adult daughter of an addict needs support!

I know your story so well. My entire life my mother and father were both addicts. Can I ask you how long has it been since you had contact with her?

Old 04-25-2011, 03:11 PM   #3
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owltotem HB User
Re: Adult daughter of an addict needs support!

Wow, a response. It has been just over a year since I have seen or heard from her. She did a birthday card that said "I think about you every day". Her friend says she is afraid to contact me because she thinks I will demand she goes to rehab. Are you an adult child of an addict?

Old 04-25-2011, 03:39 PM   #4
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Re: Adult daughter of an addict needs support!


Oh boy! I just dummped my last living father! Alcohol pills women gambleing...yup! Charlie Sheen is my DAD! UGH!

I am 38 and have had to deal with some crazy stuff...

One year ago I told him that I couldnt do it was us or the stuff and he said you dont boss my world and I said do...he called me some names and we left and never looked back.....he has been in and out of rehab for 70 years...Enough already....sad to say but it is like OD or recover....but then how can I say that when I just kicked methadone and oxys, but it was different issues...way too much for you now! :O)

So, I did what you happy the abuse stopped..and he dosent come over at 3 am kids are hubby is in Heaven LOL

You know what? if he came to my door at a decent hour and sober...cuz you can telll and smell...all pollutants make people emit an odor...I would open the door and hug him, but until that time he cant be in my life....Now that I am an Adult...Its my way or the Highway...Just my experience....Good Luck!

Tell her Friend to mind her own bussiness...tell her "When Mom is ready and sincere...I will try and be supportive, but she is not allowed in my Families Life until she is clean" you have kids to protect and them seeing her use just is wrong...would you take your kids to a crack house? NOPE!

Im always being chased by a dragon (RSD) and can't seem to stop chasing dragons(OH)....

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Old 04-25-2011, 03:41 PM   #5
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~Carolyn~ HB User~Carolyn~ HB User~Carolyn~ HB User~Carolyn~ HB User
Re: Adult daughter of an addict needs support!

I am an adult I am 35 years old. My parents were addicted to heroin before i was born. They had stopped that 20 years ago and began going to the methadone clinic. Of course they our lifers. My mother did get off for about 5 years then she became severly addicted to codene and landed back in the clinic. I have see it all my friend your not alone. I grew up completly opposite of them was alway a good girl until about a year ago. I started taking a pill called tramadol for a toothache and it was all she wrote for me. I am clean and sober now but come to the board for support when im feeling i need it.

My dad tried getting off the methadone 3.5 years ago. long story short he was so depressed and couldnt deal with it. When he tried getting back into the clinic he was denied he begged and begged but was turned away. He went to the steets and ended up either o/d or commiting suicide--something i will never know. That was only once month after being off of methadone after being on it 20 years. I blame myself to this day because i was so mad when he said he wanted to go back into the clinic. My dad even though he used - for the most part was a very smart man no one could really tell he was messed up actually. My mom and him had been divorced since i was 2 just to fill u in more. My dad and i were so close talked daily. The reason why im telling u all this is if i could go back and try and help him 1 more time--i would do it in a second.

I know that my addiction has made me realize what my dad was going through the last few months. I understand that his addiction was a illness instead of selfish pleasure.

I would give her 1 more chance. You only have 1 mom and when shes gone u dont want to be stuck with a whole bunch of what if's ya know. keep posting and i will be here if u need to talk. You must be one stong girl growing up with parents that are addicts leaves you know other choice doesnt it?

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Old 12-21-2011, 12:37 AM   #6
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aklady HB User
Re: Adult daughter of an addict needs support!

I am 26 and my mother is an addict and alcoholic. I want to start by saying, my mom has a good amount of money and hasn't worked for 20 years. She hasn't been made to suffer any of the consequences many addicts to have to face, like jail time and job loss. I knew she partied (aka used cocaine) when I was growing up, but never in a million years would have thought things would get to the point they are at now...
I grew up in a small town with a lot of casual cocaine use. I think when she was my age she partied like everyone else, but as she got older she just got in deeper and deeper. She eventually was prescribed oxy for a back injury about 10 years ago, and things haven't been normal since. I moved out of state when I was 18, and didn't realize how bad things had become until I was graduating from college. She would nod off at dinner, her eyes were grey instead of bright blue, her body was being destroyed. She was in total denial. Even when I walked into a room and found her passed out and blue lipped with foils and straws all around her, she woke up and told me none of it was hers. Crazy how drugs make people so blind to things so obvious. Shortly after that, I left for an extended trip abroad, but had many tear filled nights worrying about if my next call home, I would hear she had over dosed or fell asleep while smoking and burned the house down. Somehow I convinced her to go to treatment and it seemed to be a success. But a few months later she relapsed; my dad filed for divorce. I told my mom I'd move home and live with her if she got clean. She agreed. My boyfriend and I moved up to AK several months later to live with my mom. That brings us up to date. She was wasted when we arrived. She overdosed last summer but yelled at me for calling an ambulance. Has started drinking bottles of vodka. Has a live in boyfriend who hasn't worked in 3 years. I have found burnt spoons and needles in the house. My mom has a nasty mark on her arm that she says is from a cat scratch. When I confront her, she always tells me how far she's come since her oxy addiction, and it's true. She is much better than she was then. She is coherent sometimes and our house is no longer a drug house...however, she is still using something. I don't know what.

I am with you. I don't know when to say when. Things have gotten better since I moved home, but I can't tell if they are really better, or if she is getting better at hiding it...???? I found the used needles and spoons about 7 months ago, and since then the shady people have stopped coming over, but she still seems off. Then tonight, I found a pack of new needles in a grocery back on the kitchen counter. Haven't confronted anyone yet. Mostly because I'm exhausted with being lied to. She pins everything on her boyfriend, who is a complete leach. I just want to know if I should pack up and leave, or continue the struggle. She begs me to not give up on her, because everyone else has. Everyone in my family just seems to be able to ignore it. Ignore when she's drunk, ignore the things they find. Just act like everything is normal. It is really bizarre. I mean how many daughters find needles in a shopping back with tortillas and then hide the needles and keep making tacos so as not to cause a scene before dinner...????

It's a strange life to live, and I have honesty been very optimistic and strong until reading this post. To think this could continue until she is in her 70s, just turns my body numb. I have always told myself she would stop before then, or die, or get clean, but then have tons of health issues. I don't know what to say to you except you must be amazingly strong and I admire absolutely any decision you make in regard to your relationship with your mom, because if you are anything like me, you have put a lot of though into it and have done the best you can. That's all any of us can do. Sorry so long and scattered. It feels good to write a little bit. Could go on forever. Stay strong...

Old 01-11-2012, 10:45 PM   #7
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owltotem HB User
Re: Adult daughter of an addict needs support!

Thanks for your letter. I actually forgot I had posted on this website. At this point my mom is supposed to be finding a therapist to help us forge a new relationship. She claims to be not "doing that anymore". I know that I will never trust that. Your story sounds pretty tough. Having shady characters hanging around and partying sounds pretty scary. My mother's problem was more insidious. She is upper middle class, hobnobs with her other charity ladies, gourmet groups and garden clubs. I think that helps her denial about her problem. You need to make a decision about your mental well being. Sounds like your mom (and maybe you) are in your own denial. Watch the show Intervention. It really helps to see the situation more objectively. Addiction is so evil, I have no patience for it anymore.

Old 01-12-2012, 10:45 AM   #8
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Re: Adult daughter of an addict needs support!

Well how about the "mom" and the "addict" perspective? My coke habit has never been an issue and i've never discussed it...cuz it's not a habit it's a use it once in a blue moon to kick the depression and bounce it to somewhat preferred poison has always been presciption narcotics....since i was like 17 and a chronic pain patient...oh i'm on them legitimately, but hey some are more fun than others. I have 2 sons, one is 21 and the other 13....they both know my evils, which are mainly addiction, cutting and bipolar lows and highs (this one I don'thave much control over). I don't believe in lieing to my kids, I've put them through enough crap in their lives, I'd rather they know the truth and at least have a clue as to what the hell is going on....when I dissapear to the psych ward for a month or so...or just check out to my bedroom for weeks at a time because I was too stoned to cook or clean or do homework...

Most of the time I held it together, was great at putting on that mask every morning and playing the game...I have 3 college degrees am and Accountant by trade currently and was responsible for making all of the income in my family...which I did, no problem. So, yeah we addicts can be professional people with money, and power, and all that jacked up stuff.

I would give anything and everything to undo what I did to my kids over the years, especially my oldest son, he got the worst, he saw the worst, my youngest was a lil guy and doesn't remember most of it....and he's still young and I get a second chance...but he has is mental scars. LOL...I still live on narcotics, I have to to walk, move, function...the boys counts my pills...he's 13! I still cut....he checks me for new scars....everytime he sees ex and I have joint yes, I have screwed up my kids to some degree, but they're good strong kids and they'll be fine. I don't let them stick around and "take care" of me or worry about me, it's not their job....I'm a big girl, I'll deal with me they have their own life to live. I just convinced my 21 yr old of that 2 months ago and finally just kicked him out so he'd get on with it....

You need to get out of your mom's house and go live your life...she's gonna do what she's gonna do, you can't make her get clean. You can love her, and care about her, but you can't make her. And all the begging, pleading, crying cajoling in the world won't make a difference, except to cause you a world of hurt.....She'll get clean, when she hits rock bottom and decides it's time to get clean and probably not until then. Most of the time when an addict gets clean for someone else....they don't stay clean, it doesn't stick.

So, there ya go. I'm sorry your having to go through this, I'm sorry your mom isn't more of a mom, I'm pretty sure in her own whacked out way she loves you though....I love my sons more than anything in this world....and they are a big part of what made me get clean....but I had to hit some pretty low points to realize it was time to do it.

Take care and be well.


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