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Old 05-14-2011, 03:33 PM   #1
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Unhappy Alcohol is ruining my marriage

I am new here and need to vent, so here goes:

I love my husband more than anything but he drinks waaaaaayyyyy too much and is obnoxious when he is drunk. He stumbles around the house, with our kids present, he slurs his words while trying to drunk parent, he explains things over and over again to our 10 and 8 year olds. He even once got into our son's bed and woke him up and told him to go find his parents because he had no clue as to who our son was! It is pathetic and I am sick and tired of it. We have been together for 12 years and married for almost 10, so I don't want to go down the divorce road, but I could use some suggestions as to how to deal with this issue. He doesn't even believe that he has an issue, even when our kids tell him he does. Today was the worst because he had a day off work after 2 weeks without one and instead of doing something with the kids and I, he chose to start drinking at 10:30am and was drunk and passed out by 2pm! Our son had a baseball game today, which was rained out, but my husband said he didn't feel like going. This would have been his third game this year and my husband has not gone to any! I know that my kids will eventually resent him for not being there for them during their childhood and it makes me sad that although they have both parents living in the home, that they truly can only rely on me, their mom to be there for the events in their lives. It makes me sad that he would rather drink than attend school events, sporting events, and allow our children to have friends sleep over. I just hope that they don't end up hating me one day for staying with their dad. Anyone else ever dealt with a similar situation? Any advice is appreciated. My husband is a good man when he is sober and he drinks 4 to 5 times a week, except for the weeks he is on call for work.

Thanks,
Jennie in Hopkins, MN

 
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Old 05-14-2011, 04:24 PM   #2
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Re: Alcohol is ruining my marriage

Hello Jennie

Honey, what seems to be the answer for you is Al-Anon. Al-anon is a group that supports the family and friends of alcoholics. The senior members of these groups are people who can offer so much guidance to you with this. Al-Anon is listed in the white pages of phone books. It is also often listed in the front of phone books where the 'info lines' are listed.

Please, get to a meeting soon. I believe may of the answers you seek will be there witing for you. My dad was an active alcoholic in my early years. My mom actually started the Al-anon group in our locality after attending meetings further away.

With hope
reach

 
Old 05-14-2011, 05:25 PM   #3
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Re: Alcohol is ruining my marriage

My daughter was eight when her dad died; he too was a "good man"....passed away from a drug overdose. Everyday she resents him, everyday. It took me a very long time to accept the fact I'd made him move out the weekend before he died. I finally understand, we don't get to save them; we save ourselves, we save our children. My thoughts and prayers are with you; walking in your shoes is not easy.

 
Old 05-14-2011, 06:19 PM   #4
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Re: Alcohol is ruining my marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by 3red3red View Post
My daughter was eight when her dad died; he too was a "good man"....passed away from a drug overdose. Everyday she resents him, everyday. It took me a very long time to accept the fact I'd made him move out the weekend before he died. I finally understand, we don't get to save them; we save ourselves, we save our children. My thoughts and prayers are with you; walking in your shoes is not easy.
I takes a very very strong woman to realize that you cannot save YOUR MAN. Unfortunately, the overdose would probably have happened regardless of your choice to "let go". My wife SAVED me by being there for me. My mother SAVED me by letting me go.

Last edited by corissa3; 05-14-2011 at 06:21 PM.

 
Old 05-14-2011, 08:25 PM   #5
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Re: Alcohol is ruining my marriage

Reach,

Thanks so much for the suggestion of Al-anon. I think I will look into a local meeting here and see if there are people there who can offer guidance.

Thanks,
Jennie

 
Old 05-14-2011, 08:27 PM   #6
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Re: Alcohol is ruining my marriage

How exactly was your wife there for you? I need to know how to be there for my husband because we always end up fighting, verbally, when he is drunk. I find him obnoxious and call him on it and then he retorts and it goes from there.

Thanks,
Jennie

 
Old 05-14-2011, 08:28 PM   #7
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Re: Alcohol is ruining my marriage

Thanks for your response and you're right it is hard and I know I can't save him, but I want to be there for him, I just don't know the right way to do it.

Thanks,
Jennie

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your little girl- how long has it been since he passed away?

 
Old 05-14-2011, 08:49 PM   #8
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Re: Alcohol is ruining my marriage

My daughter, well she is all grown up, married and moved away - but thanks for asking. She was in counselling for a few years but still has a hard time talking about her dad. He passed away on the 4th of July 1995 and yes, this would have happened anyway. I like to think of him as a good man who made bad choices.

We were married 12 years, for most of those years I was there for him or at least I thought I was. Each of us though has a breaking point, mine was when he left my daughter at my Mom's house and forgot to pick her up; we only had one car at the time, so having to admit to family his problems and to her, that he forgot all in the same day, was horrible.

For many years I felt incredible guilt and asked the what if's. I will never know what he was thinking that day. I can only hope he found what he was looking for,

Last edited by 3red3red; 05-14-2011 at 08:51 PM. Reason: sp

 
Old 05-15-2011, 05:29 PM   #9
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Re: Alcohol is ruining my marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by mommy2002 View Post
How exactly was your wife there for you? I need to know how to be there for my husband because we always end up fighting, verbally, when he is drunk. I find him obnoxious and call him on it and then he retorts and it goes from there
Thanks,
Jennie

My situation is rare.. In July, I was arrested during a sting operation for selling narcotics...

My wife is my surety.. she bonded me out of jail and one of the 15 strict conditions of my bail is that I am under house arrest UNLESS I was with her 100% of the time. That means, if I use the bathroom in public, she literally stands outside the door.
I never took a penny from her during my addiction. I owned my own semi-successful business so it was never put on her financially (until now).

She stands by me everyday. She is VERY STRICT and no chance of being a push over for which I am grateful.

Without her, I would still be a user.

 
Old 05-18-2011, 03:11 PM   #10
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Re: Alcohol is ruining my marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by corissa3 View Post
My situation is rare.. In July, I was arrested during a sting operation for selling narcotics...

My wife is my surety.. she bonded me out of jail and one of the 15 strict conditions of my bail is that I am under house arrest UNLESS I was with her 100% of the time. That means, if I use the bathroom in public, she literally stands outside the door.
I never took a penny from her during my addiction. I owned my own semi-successful business so it was never put on her financially (until now).

She stands by me everyday. She is VERY STRICT and no chance of being a push over for which I am grateful.

Without her, I would still be a user.
I hope he doesn't get arrested in order to see the light. He has asked me several times for help in quitting and when I tell him he can't buy alcohol, he whines or gets mad and yells, so I just give in and give him money. Sometimes he calls me controlling even though he is the one who asks me to block him from buying it! He's great when he isn't drinking, but I just want him to stop altogether because he can't just drink socially, he has to drink till he's drunk.

 
Old 05-19-2011, 03:54 PM   #11
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Re: Alcohol is ruining my marriage

Do you have any family support or are you trying to carry this by yourself? I have been thinking about you alot, this brings back so many bad memories. I am hopeful your husband can get his act together, you love him so very much. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you.

 
Old 05-25-2011, 11:55 AM   #12
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Re: Alcohol is ruining my marriage

What your going to hear at suport groups like Al Anon is a whole lot of similar stories. At the end of the day YOU have to decide what you will and will not put up with and what your willing to do about it. It sounds like you might have an alcoholic on your hands. Lets be clear, YOU can not cure him save him or otherwise make him stop if he doesn't want to. Making threats will do no good and might actually be dangerous. As time and the addiction progresses, it will be more and more problematic, DUI's, domestic violence, arrests, etc. I wish I had good news for you, but unless he's willing to get into treatment...my advice, leave.

 
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