I have been in a relationship with my best friend for the past year. I knew his past before getting into the relationship. He used to be very addicted to pills(mainly oxy) and herion. Before we got into our relationship, he had stopped cold turkey without any form of treatment. We were coming up on our one year, when he just confessed to me for the past 3-4 months he has been using again. He says he has quit again and is now seeing a sociologist and is going to ask about treatment options at his next appointment.
I don't know what to do about trusting him. He pretty much lied to me for the last four months of our relationship and I am wondering if there is any reason for me to try. My family and friends want me to not even be there for him as a friend. Not to mention when he told me it was 2 days before my birthday and he broke up with me and then told me, but the next day he begged me to get back together. Now, I have not gotten back together with him, but I feel like we are falling back into our regular relationship pattern. I need advice, please.
Glad to see you posting, although I am sorry for the circumstances that led to it.
Kennedy, I am going to cut to the chaste here and say gently that you need to not be with this guy at this point. I know you have invested a great deal emotionally in him, but he needs time to get his life straightened out before you can be included in it. An old adage concerning addicts is that they should not be in any relationship until they have a year's clean time behind them.
For him, if he is truly trying to reach sobriety and sober thinking, it needs to be a time of selfishness where he can toatally concentrate bon no one but himself. This is a must for an addict.
I wish you well
For you, it needs to be a time for yourself to sort things out, perhaps see some other people, and to really dissect the relationship. If he makes it, then in a year he can contact you and you can decide what you want to do. I know a year is a long time to be with someone, but when we look for a life-long partner, we need someone we can fully trust and someone who is capable of investing back in us. To start off with issues, we only can look forward to a life of more of the same.
"What if he says he needs me through this process though? "
Honey, you need to say, NO," no matter how hard that is.
It is not a time for him to be investing in anything but himself. Your presence will only be a distraction to him. The people he should be turning to during this time are fellow addicts who have walked the walk and professionals who can guide him to true sobriety.
It feels good to have him say he needs you throughout this, but it not the best thing for him. Truly. Time for him to man up and face his own problem.
For you, I think Nar-Anon meetings (or Al-anon) would give you greater insight into the workings of an addict's mind. An addict needs to change his thinking. Your mind does not work like an addict's, so I am sure this is difficult for you to perceive.
If his thinking can change to the point where you are a far, far greater priority to him than drugs ever were, then you might consider seeing him. I am not advocating that you just shut off your feelings like a water faucet, but rather that you step back for a while.