hi- I've been dating a great guy for about six months but maybe two months into the relationship I started noticing warning signs regarding his drinking habits. I've never seen him drunk or demonstrating any noticeable changes in his behavior but I at the same time I know that he drinks on a daily basis and in the entire time I've known him, I've never been with him even once when he has not had a drink.
When we first started dating (and prior to my confronting him about the drinking) I would notice him drink a bottle of wine a night, easily. Sometimes this was accompanied by additional drinks.
I've raised the issue several times and while he has admitted that he thinks he drinks too much the conversation has never developed into the discussion about how to manage/deal with this problem.
If someone is not outwardly destructive in behavior but clearly is drinking above the recommended daily limits, how is the best way to begin the conversation about getting help/changing the behavior?
Lately I'm noticing tremors in his hands as well in the morning or middle of the day (after earting so clearly not low blood sugar and he doesn't take caffeine). I have reason to believe that while he isn't limiting the amount he is drinking, he seems to be limiting the amount that I see him drinking.
Great guy but I've been clear about my feelings about being involved with someone who can't control their drinking- been through this in a different place in my life with binge drinkers.
My drug of choice was painkillers, not alcohol. But addiction is addiction. Doesn't matter what you're addicted to. He had not reached his bottom yet. It sounds toe from reading your post, that he's never had any REAL consequences for drinking the way he does. Everybody's bottom is different. He may have to lose everything before he hits his own personal bottom. Truste when I say that "you can't help him". Only he can. He had to quit for himself or he'll never quit. Its ok for you to support him but it's not ok to enable him. And that's a very fine line to walk. Might I suggest Alanon meetings for you. They have all been in your shoes and they are a very welcoming and supportive fellowship. They will give you all the advice you need. Google Alanon meetings in "x" city and your state and you'll be surprised by just how many there are. I am an addict myself but when I got clean, I dated an addict. He had four tees clean when we met. I went to Alanon anyway because they teach you how to have relationships with an addict/alcoholic, without being there enabler. As long as things don't change on your end, they won't change on his end. Trust me. He has it good. He had his alcohol, his job, and he has you. Eventually he'll lose the job and you and all that he'll be left with is the thought that ha needs help. I pray for him that he gets it. And I pray for you to find that person that doesn't make you feel like this. God bless! Kelly
Last edited by Tysmom1; 04-14-2012 at 05:23 AM.
Reason: Mis spells
Alcoholics, rarely see themselves as having a problem or needing help for a problem, and for whatever reasons statistics show that men admit that less than women. They'll admit that they drink too much and laugh it off, but if they hold a steady job, keep friends, pay their bills, etc. they see no reason to do anything about their drinking. They like drinking, giving it up is not something they've thought of, because they don't think the drinking is a problem. I was married to a man like this for 26 years. Unfortunately, you bringing this up to your "great guy" will most likely result in him being resentful, angry and in major denial because he doesn't see his drinking as a problem. He's done it forever and it's not hurting anyone. You have to make a decision what kind of man you want to have in your life, because odds are, he's not going to change just because you ask him to. And take it from someone who's lived that life.....don't kid yourself into thinking, Oh he'll get better in time, just leave him alone and things will work out....that approach doesn't work and you will be stuck in a relationship or married even to an alcoholic. If you bring this up to your guy, ask him to change and get help for his problem, and he comes back with the standard line, "I don't have a problem!" you seriously need to decide if you want to be with an alcoholic.
I agree with everything that Kat wrote in her reply. I know this to be true because I was just like that guy. My marriage ended in divorce. My wife was very smart to ask me to leave and to push for the divorce. I know now what a hard decision this was for her to make. I would not admit this for years. Just to let you know, we had no children and even if we did I doubt I,d stop drinking at that point in my life. Aproxymately has some hard decisions coming up and at the very least she really should check out Alanon.
The following user gives a hug of support to bolter: katlin09 (05-07-2012)